At the thought of dinners with Justine, Porter’s stomach dropped. Ever since Boise, she’d been distant. He couldn’t blame her for that. After all, this was his way. Whenever things got serious, he’d shove people out of his life, so they wouldn’t affect it any more than necessary. And up until now, it had worked just fine. He’d been perfectly happy with shallow relationships and one-night stands.
But something about this time was different. And he knew why. He was in love. Without sleeping with her, without even getting to second base. It was ironic, and very unlike him. But here he was.
Frowning, he looked up to see Cat watching him.
“What’s wrong, Porter?” he asked.
“Nothing, Champ. Nothing’s wrong.”
“That’s not true. I can tell.”
Porter knew that Justine had told him about the fiasco with his mother. He didn’t know if she’d told him about the email his mom had sent the next morning, apologizing. Telling him she wasn’t ready yet. That she loved him, but maybe she’d never be ready. She was ashamed of herself, but apparently not too ashamed to make it right.
“It’s just been a hard couple of days,” he said. “Nothing to worry about.”
Cat put the brush down and walked over to lean against the fence. Wookiee followed him like a puppy, then got distracted by Clifford, who was rolling in something a few feet away.
“I know what happened with your mom,” Cat said quietly.
Porter looked over at him. Such a sweet, sensitive kid. But tough as the day was long.
“Oh yeah?”
“Justine told me.”
“I thought she might.”
“Are you sad?”
“No. Maybe a little disappointed. Maybe a little mad at myself. But not sad, really.”
“Because it’s okay to be sad, you know.”
Porter nodded. Maybe he was sad. He’d spent so much time denying that particular emotion, he didn’t even know anymore.
“And you’re probably worried about taking me to the livestock auction,” Cat continued. “We could see my dad and he could do the same thing to me.”
“That’s true. I’m not going to lie.”
“It’s okay. I think about it, too.”
“Yeah?”
Cat shrugged. “But I’m not going to let it stop me. And it’s good that it didn’t stop you, either. Because now you know how your mom is. She doesn’t deserve to get to know you again, right? She doesn’t deserve to get to know Brooks and Griffin, either. And now you don’t have to wonder about her anymore.”
Porter felt his lips stretch into a smile. Out of the mouths of babes.
“How’d you get to be so smart?”
Cat grinned. Gap toothed, freckled faced. Looking happy as he turned his attention back to Wookiee.
Porter was quiet for a few minutes, watching the boy and horse enjoy each other’s company. The sun had come out and was warm on the back of his neck. He thought of Justine, wondering what she was doing right then. If she might be thinking of him.
He cleared his throat. “Hey, Champ…”
“Yeah.”
“How’s Justine doing? When she dropped you off, she didn’t stick around long.”
“She’s okay. Busy with grading and junk. Getting ready for Thanksgiving break.”
“Ahh.”
“Why? Do you miss her?” There was a sparkle in Cat’s eyes.
“Sure,” he said. “Sure, I miss her. But she’s got a lot going on.”
“Well, she misses you, too.”
His heart stumbled at that. Betraying him. Making him feel like he didn’t have any control here, no matter how hard he wanted it. But that’s what love did. It made a fool of you every time. He wasn’t in control. And neither was Justine.
He pulled his Stetson low over his eyes, not anxious for Cat to read his expression right then.
“You should call her,” Cat said matter-of-factly.
“Oh…well…”
“I know you two like each other.”
“Sure, we like each other.”
“Not like that. Not like friends.”
Porter shook his head. “It’s not that easy.”
“Why not?”
“For one thing, she’s got a job that’s taking her out of the country pretty soon.” He knew that Cat was more than aware of this fact, since it also meant he’d be going back to Missoula. Porter wondered if Nola would be well enough to take care of him by then. How he’d do back there. If he’d start fighting again, if he’d slip back to that dark place where he’d been before. All questions that would be answered soon enough.
“And for another,” he continued, “I’ve got my hands full with this place. It doesn’t leave a ton of time for a new relationship.” It was more than he’d been planning on sharing, but Cat seemed to take it in stride.
“It’s the slow season,” Cat said. “Remember? You said it yourself. Pretty soon there won’t be many guests.”
“Yeah, I did say that. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t guests now.” He looked at his watch, remembering he was supposed to be giving a lasso lesson at eleven. He was better at these kinds of lessons than Brooks, who was admittedly shit at hitting any kind of moving target.
“And so what if she takes that new job?” Cat said. “That doesn’t mean you can’t like someone just because they’re leaving. I like her, and I know she’s leaving.”
Porter stared at him. What could he possibly say to that, since it was absolutely true?
“I know, Champ,” he said. “But it’s more complicated than that.”
“Why? What’s complicated about it? If you like someone, like them.”
“I could say the same about you and Amber.”
“How’s that the same?”
“You like her, right?”
Cat considered this. Then sighed. “Yeah.”
“And she likes you.” He held a hand up before Cat could deny it. “It’s pretty obvious.”
“Whatever.”
“But just because you like each other, doesn’t mean it’s as easy as all that. You haven’t called her yet, have you?”
Cat raised his small chin, suddenly looking like a force to be reckoned with. “No. But I will if you will.”
“You mean call Justine?”
“Sure.”
“I don’t…”
“I know. You were going to punk out. But that’s what I’m here for, remember?”
Porter sighed. “Okay. Alright, I’ll give her a call. Will that make you happy?”
“Yes,” Cat said simply. He seemed satisfied.
“But it doesn’t mean anything, okay? It just means that I’m saying hi. That’s it.”
“I know.”
“And you’re going to call Amber?”
“Yeah. But I don’t know what to say.”
“Why don’t you ask her to the movies or something?”
Cat narrowed his eyes. “You think she’d want to?”
“I do. But even if she says no, that’s the worst that can happen, right?”
“I guess,” Cat said, snapping Wookiee’s lead rope back on. “I guess you’re right. So, if that’s true, if you asked Justine to stay in Marietta, the worst she could say is no.”
Porter laughed. “I think you might be missing your calling as an attorney.”
Cat looked pleased with himself.
“Why don’t you take that little guy back out to the pasture with his mom,” Porter said, pushing off the fence. “I’ve gotta get over to the barn for that lesson.”
“Can I come?”
“Sure thing. How’s your throwing arm?”
“It’s pretty awesome.”
Smiling at that, Porter headed toward the barn. Cat had started out with chores at the ranch in exchange for lessons, but now he was basically here every day. Absorbing everything, soaking it in like a sponge. It was painfully clear how much he’d come into his own here. And he’d have to leave it all behind next summer.<
br />
Porter felt the smile fade on his lips. The reality was, he wouldn’t just be losing Justine in a few months, he’d be losing Cat, too. The weight of that settled squarely on his shoulders for the very first time.
And all of a sudden, he felt like putting his head in his hands.
Damn.
Chapter Fifteen
Justine sat with her head bent over her grade book, her curls brushing the top of her trusty red pencil. Henry, the janitor, was mopping the hallway outside her room, and humming some nameless tune. Every now and then, he’d jingle his keys, and remind her that she really needed to get a life.
It was Friday night, and Cat had wanted to stay the night at the ranch—something about the vet coming out to see Alloy. So she’d decided to stay late and work on grades. Staying late had never fazed her in the past. She loved her job, and especially enjoyed the solitude of a quiet, near-empty school where she could catch up on work. But tonight, it felt a little sad. She’d grown so used to having Cat around, that with him gone, her world felt a little less warm. A little less colorful.
And then there was Porter. She looked up with a sigh, letting her gaze fall on the poster of Abraham Lincoln across the room. He stared somberly back, his expression mirroring the somberness in her heart.
Honest Abe… He couldn’t tell a lie. And most of the time, Justine couldn’t, either. But over the last few days she’d begun to wonder if she was being honest with herself. Her decision to move overseas had started out as a solid choice. A choice that she was excited about, that she was looking forward to. But lately, she’d been having to come up with reasons why it was still a good idea.
She put down her pencil and rubbed her eyes.
“Ms. Banks,” Henry said, poking his bald head into her doorway. “There’s someone here to see you.”
She raised her brows. “Oh?”
“Says her name is Nola. She says she stopped by your place but you weren’t home, and that she figured you’d be here burning the midnight oil.”
Justine’s heart jumped. She hadn’t seen her friend in months, but Nola had told her she was going to surprise her one of these days. She just hadn’t thought it would be so soon.
“Thanks, Henry!” she said. “You can just send her on back if you don’t mind.”
He nodded and disappeared again.
Justine began putting her paperwork away, excited as a little kid. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed her friend, how much she’d longed to see her in person, until just now. She knew Nola had lost her hair, and had also lost some weight, so Justine had been careful not to push a visit until she was ready. She felt like her coming tonight was a good sign. A sign that pointed to her getting better.
“Knock, knock!”
She looked up to see her friend in the doorway, beaming from ear to ear. She wore a purple jacket, and a lovely white scarf wrapped loosely around her head. Her cheeks were full of color, her hazel eyes sparkling. She looked absolutely beautiful.
“Oh my goodness!” Justine said, getting up and pulling her in for a hug. “I love your surprises!”
“Ooomph. You’re gonna break me.”
“Sorry!” Laughing, Justine pulled away, but kept both hands on her friend’s shoulders to get a good look at her. “You look amazing. Just amazing. How do you feel?”
“I feel amazing, if you can believe that. Had my last treatment a few weeks ago, and the doc thinks I’m headed for a full recovery. I wanted to tell you in person.” Nola pulled out a small plastic chair and sat down. “No guarantee, but I have a good feeling.”
Justine sat across from her. “This is the best news. Just the best news ever.”
“It’s pretty great, right?”
“I’m so happy you’re here. I’ve missed you.”
“Oh, honey. I’ve missed you, too. I appreciate you keeping Cat away like you have. I didn’t want him to see me feeling so poorly.”
Justine grinned. “He’s going to be so excited. He’s out at the ranch tonight, but I’ll go get him.”
“No, no, don’t do that. I’ll see him in the morning. You and I can gab like we used to. I wasn’t sure what you had going on though, so I made a reservation at the Graff, just in case.”
“Oh, no you don’t.” Justine patted her friend’s knee. “You’re staying with me.”
“If you’re sure… I’m not interrupting a hot date with your handsome cowboy?”
Justine sat back in her chair and it squeaked underneath her. She’d told Nola about Porter, but she’d left out the one major detail of falling in love with him. Now, with her sitting so close, with such a loving expression on her face, all she wanted to do was confide in her.
“No hot date,” she said. “But here’s the thing… I kind of let myself start caring about him.”
Nola watched her. “How much caring are we talking about here?”
“You’d have to meet him, Nola. He’s just this, this…force to be reckoned with.”
“Justine.”
She twisted the small gold ring on her pinkie finger. A Christmas gift from her dad. “Yes?”
“How much caring are we talking about?”
She pulled in a breath. Then let it out slowly. “I love him.”
Nola sat back in her chair.
From down the hallway, they could hear Henry pushing the mop bucket along. Time seemed to be slowing down, with Justine’s heart thumping steadily against her rib cage. She hadn’t even told Jemma how she truly felt about Porter yet. She loved her little sister dearly, but sometime over the last few years, Nola had become Justine’s touchstone. Her true north. The moment felt significant, and a small lump formed in the back of her throat.
“I love him,” she said again. “But that’s where it ends.”
Nola held up a hand. Her nails were freshly painted, bubble gum pink. “Now, wait just a minute, pumpkin. Hold up.”
“It wouldn’t work.”
“How do you know?”
She shook her head. “We talked about it the other night. I told him how I feel, and he reminded me that I’m leaving. Starting a brand-new relationship from overseas doesn’t make any sense. I know that. And so does he.”
“But—”
“And he’s not ready anyway.”
“Did he say that?”
“Basically. Basically he said it.”
“Hmm…” Nola tapped her lips with her index finger.
“What?”
“I’m just absorbing this. Since you don’t exactly fall in love easily, Justine. Not in all the time we’ve known each other. And that’s not for a lack of me trying.”
“That’s true.”
“So, maybe this whole thing isn’t as cut and dry as you say.”
Justine frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe you need to take moving away out of the equation. Figure out how you feel about him without that complication in the mix.”
“But it is in the mix.”
“Will you just humor me for a second? Please?”
Justine exhaled softly. Nola was an expert at peeling layers away. She was the one who’d helped Justine finally forgive her father. She was the one who’d walked her through the complicated emotions surrounding her mother’s death, and all the pain it had left behind. Other than Jemma, Nola knew her best in the whole world. So it wasn’t a surprise that she’d be demanding a closer look at her love life now. She simply didn’t want her to make a mistake. If the shoe were on the other foot, Justine would be doing the same.
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll humor you.”
“Good. Good girl. So, you love him…”
“Yes.”
“And he loves you? I mean, how could he not?”
“You’re the only person who thinks I’m so lovable.”
“That’s not true. Cat loves you. And so does your sister, and so does your dad, and so do all your students. I think that’s part of the problem here.”
“What is?”
/> “I think you’ve spent so much time telling yourself that you don’t deserve love, that you’ve actually started believing it.”
Justine gazed at her friend. Maybe she had a point. Maybe she didn’t think she deserved love. Especially not Porter’s. It was so like her to sabotage every chance at happiness she had. It was just easier to tell herself that something wouldn’t work, that it wasn’t right, than to dig deeper where the sharp things were.
She tapped a fingernail against the chair.
Nola watched her. “Are we getting somewhere?”
“You don’t think I should take this job.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You do think I should take it.”
“I didn’t say that either.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“Honey,” Nola said, leaning forward. “I think you need to do what makes you happy, and let go of the rest. I’m here to tell you that life is short, and so precious that I don’t have the words for it. Don’t waste a single second of it being afraid.”
Sudden tears prickled Justine’s eyes. For her, tears had always been a sign of weakness. A lesson her mother had instilled at a young age. Never let them see you cry! But she was beginning to realize that feeling deeply wasn’t a weakness. It could actually be a great strength. It was for Nola. It could be for her, too, if she’d trust herself enough with it.
“Now,” Nola said gently. “You just have to figure out what’s going to make you happy, and go from there.”
“I wish it were that easy.”
“I know, pumpkin.”
Sniffing, Justine reached for a Kleenex from her desk.
“Hey,” Nola said. “Why don’t you finish up here, and we can go grab a glass of wine somewhere. I think tonight calls for Chardonnay. You can tell me how Cat’s doing. And then fill me in on this Porter fellow. I need a bigger picture.”
“I’d love that,” Justine said.
And meant every word.
*
Justine sat in her darkened living room, looking out the window to the snow falling outside. The first real snow of the season. The world was peaceful and quiet, and her head was still pleasantly fuzzy from the wine with Nola. Her friend was asleep in the guest room, where Justine could hear her soft snores from down the hallway. Her house felt warm and cozy. But when she’d tried closing her eyes, she’d only been able to toss and turn.
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