“What you’ve done is exactly what Katie would have wanted you to do—love her daughter with all your heart. There’s nothing wrong with that, Grace. Nothing.” Faith handed her a tissue.
“So why does this feel so wrong?” Grace begged to know. Why was loving Sophie so wrong then?
“It’s how Nathan depends on you that’s the issue,” Faith answered.
Grace looked toward the house and caught sight of Nathan standing on the porch with a clearly unhappy child in his arms. Sophie twisted and turned in his grasp as if trying to get out.
“It’s going to kill me not to be there to help him with her; you know that,” Grace whispered.
“That’s not your responsibility. You’ve got to remember that. Love the little thing with all your heart, be there to help her grow into the young lady you know Katie would be proud of…but the raising part, that’s up to her father.”
She needed to find a balance; Grace realized that now. Not just a happy balance, but a healthy one too.
Grace’s heart twisted at the sound of Sophie’s cries as the infant’s arms reached out for her.
“Why don’t I try?” Faith reached out for Sophie instead, smiling at Nathan as she did so. “We got along pretty well yesterday; didn’t we, sweetheart?” She jiggled her gently in her arms and walked toward the other end of the front porch.
Grace’s arms felt empty, but she appreciated what her sister had just done.
“Thank you for coming, Grace. I know John didn’t want you to, but…” Nathan trailed off. He stepped away from the door, beckoning her in, but Grace only shook her head and remained where she was.
“John was right, Nathan.” Grace stared at her sister holding the now calmer child. “There is nothing I can do to replace Katie in your or Sophie’s life, no matter how much I might want to. I love this little girl with all my heart, and I will always be here for her…but I can’t keep doing this, Nathan. I’m sorry; I just can’t.”
Nathan frowned as confusion grew into realization. His shoulders buckled forward as if the heavy weight of Grace’s words bore down on him.
She held out the notebook to him. “This is for you.”
He took it from her hands and opened it. “What is it?” His brows knitted together as he read what she’d written inside of it.
“Suggestions for ways to help calm Sophie. Like how to put her to sleep, what she should be eating…all the important pieces of information I thought you would need from those parenting magazines Katie signed up for. At the back is also a list of people I think you should call.” As she said the words, her soul grew calmer and she knew she was doing the right thing.
She would heal. They both would heal.
“You need someone to come in and clean the house. There are a few ladies in town who have a cleaning service. There is also a nanny service you might call—they can provide not just a nanny for Sophie but also a housekeeper. There’s also a listing of teenagers in town who would love to babysit evenings and weekends—the ones I placed a star beside are my top picks. You also need to call Paige and ask her to come take care of Katie’s gardens on a regular basis. Katie would be so embarrassed to see them this way.” She rattled off all the information while keeping her focus on Sophie.
“Grace, I…I don’t know what to say. This is all so overwhelming.” Nathan staggered back, his whole demeanour screaming for her to help him.
Except she couldn’t.
“At first I’m sure it will be, but it’s time.” She took Sophie from her sister’s arms and held the little girl close. She breathed in Sophie’s smell and kissed the top of her forehead softly. Sophie looked up at her with wide eyes, and it was all Grace could do not to break down in tears.
“I’ll still be around, but not on a daily basis. I plan on being the best aunt your daughter will ever know, but…” She looked at her sister, who gave her a small nod, encouraging her to continue. “School will be starting soon, and I need to get ready for my classes. My sister is staying for the month to help me get ready as well.”
“That’s something you and Katie would do together,” Nathan said softly.
Grace gave him a pained smile. “It’s going to be different without Katie there.” She kissed the top of Sophie’s head. “I’m sorry, Nathan.”
She was sorry for so many things, and she hoped one day he would be able to forgive her.
Reluctantly she handed Sophie back to Nathan and tried to ignore the way the little girl struggled to remain in her arms. “Be a good girl for Daddy, okay?” Grace reached for one of Sophie’s hands and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Why is she calmer when she’s with you but like this”—he grappled with his daughter in his arms—“when she’s with me?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Nathan, other than that you need to find a way to bond with her. I thought I was helping, but…apparently I was wrong.” She reached for Faith’s hand.
“Call those numbers in the book. Or your mom,” Grace suggested. “There are a lot of people in town who would be more than happy to step up and help you if you just ask.”
With one last look at the little girl who’d stolen her heart, Grace walked away. She’d have to be careful when she returned to not step back into the same pattern. It would be hard to not be with Sophie every day, to trust Nathan to be the father she knew he could be.
But she could love from a distance. She would work on repairing the rifts in her own marriage, and maybe…maybe one day having a child of their own.
But first she needed to heal and to grieve and figure out how to be the best kindergarten teacher Stillwater had ever had. She couldn’t do that with a broken heart. Her kids deserved more. John deserved more.
She deserved more.
Thank you for reading Stillwater Tides. I hope you enjoyed it!
Turn the page for Stillwater Deep…
STILLWATER DEEP
Stillwater Deep
a Stillwater Bay series
There are so many people who helped in creating this story.
Thank you my amazing reader group - Steena’s Secret Society! If it wasn’t for your encouragement, your help…this story wouldn’t be what it is today. Amy Coats, thank you for being the first to read and re-read this story, for being honest and for pushing me to do better.
For all the readers who kept asking me for the next story in Stillwater…this one is for you!
Welcome to Stillwater Bay
STILLWATER DEEP
Stillwater Bay Series
STEENA HOLMES
www.steenaholmes.com
www.facebook.com/steenaholmes.author
www.twitter.com/steenaholmes
Copyright © 2016 Steena Holmes
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-987877-09-0
ISBN: 978-0-9920555-5-4
1
One month prior
Charlotte’s hands pummeled the punching bag with a steady rhythm. She pushed everything else out of her mind and concentrated only on her timing. Sweat dropped from her forehead, her chest hurt from the workout, and her knuckles cramped up from the constant impact, but she wasn’t ready to give up, to give in.
“Will you talk to me, please?”
Jordan appeared in front of her, his hands on both sides of the bag, forcing her to stop. She bent down, her hands gripping her knees, and gulped in air.
“Go. Away,” she managed to get out.
“No.” His arms dropped from the bag, and he handed her a towel and her bottle of water. “I’m done with you avoiding me.”
“Excuse me?” He did not just say that. He had no right. As far as she was concerned, she could and would avoid him as long as she needed to.
Two days ago he’d destroyed her world by confessing a secret she should have known from the beginning.
“We need to talk about this.”
She wiped her face and took a long drink of her water before rolling her shoulders to work out the stiffness. She ignored hi
m, as she’d done for the past two days, and walked past him and up the stairs.
She refilled her water bottle, cut a few slices of cheese, and went up to their bedroom, where she got ready for a cold shower. She knew Jordan had followed her. Knew he wanted to speak to her, needed her to say something to him. But she refused to.
She couldn’t stomach the sight of him right now.
“I’m not going away, Charlotte.” Jordan sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room and crossed his legs.
“What do you expect me to say, Jordan? That I forgive you? That I understand why you did what you did? That I find it perfectly okay that you would . . .” She couldn’t say it. She just couldn’t.
Everything made perfect sense now. Or not. God, no, nothing made sense anymore.
Two days ago when she’d found Jordan in Julia’s backyard, she knew something was off. Why would her husband, the man who before the school shooting had happened, wanted nothing to do with Julia Berry, be in the woman’s yard crying with her?
“No,” Jordan said. “What I did wasn’t okay, and I don’t want your forgiveness. I don’t deserve it.”
“Then what is it you need?” Her body shook from unspent emotion.
When Jordan broke down after the ceremony where the glass heart memorial had been unveiled for all the victims of the Stillwater Bay school shooting, she’d told him that they’d deal with whatever had happened—together. But she hadn’t expected this.
This, she didn’t know how to fix.
“I don’t know.” His voice was full of remorse and rejection.
She turned her back on him and walked into their bathroom, locking the door behind her.
Leaning against the wall, she stared at herself in the mirror. She’d aged dramatically in the past two days. More wrinkles showed around her eyes and forehead, and the grey hairs in her hair had more than doubled.
Yesterday she’d locked herself in her office, and the only thing she’d done was look through old photos of her and Jordan, starting from when they first met. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected to find in the images—a clue, maybe, to the double life her husband had led.
How could she not have realized there was something more between him and Julia? She’s thought it odd that he never really seemed to warm up to her despite her and Julia being such good friends…she ignored the elephant in the room.
That was her mistake. She had to find a way to move past that, to focus on the bigger picture.
Her husband’s cowardice.
He’d actually hid in a closet on the day Gabe Berry came into Stillwater Elementary with a gun.
What kind of man, principal, authority figure did that? When he’d first confessed to her, she’d thought she could handle it. Okay, so her husband was a coward and not the hero everyone made him out to be. She’d help him keep his secret. Right now the town didn’t need to know he’d placed his own life ahead of his students’. That he’d hidden at the first sound of gunshots.
She tried very hard not to judge him for that.
But it was afterward—when they were at home, when he’d confessed his other deep, dark secret—that the world she’d known had been destroyed.
Gabe Berry, the sixteen-year-old who had shot and killed so many in May, had actually been Jordan’s son. He’d been in a relationship with Julia before Charlotte met him, and he’d never told her. Never given the slightest hint about his and Julia’s past together or that they’d had a child.
How did she fix this?
How could she face Julia again? One of her best friends—or so she’d thought. How could Charlotte look her in the eye and pretend everything was normal between them, when she knew about the secret between her and Jordan?
She couldn’t pretend, and that was the issue.
Julia needed her right now more than ever before. She’d been labeled the mother of a monster and subjected to more hatred than a person should ever have to endure. Charlotte should be at her side, supporting her publicly, and yet…she couldn’t.
Right now she couldn’t distinguish between being a woman with a broken heart, and the mayor who should be strong.
When Charlotte emerged from the shower, Jordan was still there in the chair, waiting for her.
“All right, Jordan. You want to talk. You want me to open up and tell you how I’m feeling, is that right?” With her back turned toward him, she donned a sundress, pulled her hair into a ponytail, and took in a deep breath.
“Yes, that’s what I want. That’s what I need.”
“Need?” She shook her head. “Right now your needs are the last thing on my mind.”
She knew that from this moment on, things would never be the same between them again. Ever. She couldn’t leave him. Not now. Not when her town was so fragile and needed her support and strength. But she didn’t have any extra energy to put toward rebuilding her sham of a marriage, and to be honest, she wasn’t sure she wanted to.
“Here’s what I need. I need you to move out of our bedroom. Sleep in the guest bedroom downstairs or the one up here; I don’t care. But you’re not welcome here—in my room, in my bed. Not now. I’m not sure if you ever will be again.”
Jordan cast his gaze downward but nodded.
“I also want you to start looking for a new position. Somewhere else. I don’t care where. It can be in Seattle, Portland, or all the way across country. I. Don’t. Care.” She steeled her voice as he lifted his gaze and looked at her with shock. “Do you understand?”
God help him if he didn’t.
“Why would you give up being mayor?”
She shook her head. She wasn’t going to give up anything. Not for him.
Tears that gathered in his eyes as the understanding of what she meant hit him. “I can’t do that, Charlotte. I can’t.”
She hardened her heart against him even more.
“You can and you will.”
Two days ago Jordan had destroyed her world by not only admitting to his cowardice but also to the lie about Gabe that he’d lived for years.
The reason Gabriel Berry had gone into Stillwater Elementary with a gun was not because of some psychotic breakdown, but because he’d just found out who his father was.
2
One Month Later…
Charlotte ran a hand through her messy hair and stared up at the popcorn ceiling above. She hated that ceiling. Late at night, the way the moon would shine and light up a section of her wall, it looked like tiny droplets of water just waiting to drown her in her sleep.
Every night since Jordan’s big reveal, she’d stare at that moonlit sliver and dare the water to fall.
The fact that she believed it to be drops of water when she knew it was just her damn ceiling should bother her, but it didn’t. She hadn’t slept a whole night through since kicking Jordan out of her bed.
She stretched her arms out and rubbed the empty space beside her. She didn’t like sleeping alone.
She missed her husband, plain and simple.
It was time to start focusing on the future. Her future. She’d said as much to Jordan last night. He’d asked her one simple question.
Did that future include him?
Rather than answer him then, she’d suggested they wait till today.
Over the past month, after making it clear to Jordan their marriage was over, she’d thought long and hard about what that would mean.
She’d tossed and turned all night, wrestling with her covers while mentally trying to come to a decision.
She’d made one.
“We keep talking about starting renovations but never get around to it. Maybe now we should?”
Jordan stood at the open door, jeans lying low around his waist and his hair dripping from his recent shower.
“Good morning.” Him being here surprised her. For the past month, he’d waited till she came downstairs for coffee before coming up to their room. “Where’s this coming from?”
“If we’re going to talk about th
e future today, then I wanted to offer a suggestion.” He took a step inside her room and sat on the corner of the bed and reached for her hand. “I know someone who could get started right away,” Jordan offered. “I know you’re worried about living in the house while it’s being renovated, but I also know of a house that is empty that we could rent.”
This was the Jordan she’d missed these past few months. The partner who took charge, who wanted to take care of her and one who worked with her, beside her, as a team.
Charlotte stared at his hand. She’d come so far in the past month. When he’d first confessed that he was Gabe’s father, she couldn’t stand the sight of him. She wanted him gone, out of her house and out of her life. But he’d begged her to not throw away what they had, to give them a second chance, that they were stronger together and the town needed them. As much as it tore at her inside to not throw him out right there and then…she’d listened.
How could she not?
He was right. They were stronger together. Or they had been, before she’d found out the truth beneath his lies.
Charlotte folded her arms over her lap. They hadn’t discussed the changes they wanted to make to their home for months…not since before the school shooting. Their whole life had been on hold since that moment.
“Or not.” He must have noticed her hesitation. “We can stay here and work on one project at a time if that’s what you’d prefer.” His shoulders straightened. “I’m not ready for a future without you in it, Charlotte. I love you and I will do whatever it takes to prove it.”
She searched his eyes, looking for…what? More lies? More doubts and fears? There was nothing in his gaze other than complete honesty and love for her.
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