by Tessa Anders
“How about seeing a movie? I hear there’s a really good chick flick that just came out. I’m a sucker for a good romance.”
“Nah, I don’t believe in those. Too many selfish men out there.”
“Now that’s the truth.”
I laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.
“I’m sure you will. And Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Take the rest of the day off. Go have fun on your one night out.”
“Thanks Dara, but I can’t…”
“Stop right there. Consider it a partial sick day with pay. Or vacation.”
My chest tightened with some unknown emotion. As cautious as I was with men, Dara’s generosity reminded me that there were a lot of good people still in the world. “Thank you,” I finally choked out.
I hung the last dress on a hanger, before grabbing my purse and heading home.
When I parked the car, I unbuckled the seatbelt then stepped outside and locked the door. Even if my car wasn’t worth much in money, to me it meant keeping a much-needed job.
I took a good hard look at the surroundings. Kyle sat in the same spot on the bottom step, head hung low and clearly tripping from his drug of choice. Broken bottles scattered the pavement. Graffiti painted the red bricks of the apartment complex. In the distance I heard the one short followed by one long train horn as it drew near the crossing. The smell of sewage drifted from the plant located just up the street.
I scoffed. This is what I’m holding onto?
And yet, I knew there had to be something better than mistress status. That felt like a glorified prostitute. No thank you.
Making my way over to the stairs, I stepped over the broken brown beer bottle, ignored Kyle and headed up.
Knocking on Frankie’s door, it surprised me when Ricky answered. Even with the shortage of men, he always put off bad vibes. My internal alarm blared danger! Danger! Grab Maddie and get the hell away! I knew when Frankie was around that Maddie was safe. But where was she now and why didn’t she answer the door?
“Where’s Frankie?”
“Around.” A creepy smile crawled up and settled over his five o’clock shadow.
If you only saw a picture of Ricky, you’d think he was a handsome guy. Black hair, a sharp jaw, muscular arms, however, his beer gut and filthy mouth along with very questionable morals made him ugly at first glance, at least to me. And the leer on his face gave off a vibe that screamed stay away.
“Maddie!” I called, trying to peer over his shoulder.
“She’s not here.” He’s eyes raked up and down my body. “I don’t know why you wear clothes like that. What are you hiding underneath them?” He reached out and touch the hem of my shirt. I slapped his hand away.
“Where is she?” A dread filled me to the brim making my heart beat wildly inside my chest.
He casually shrugged, then reached out and snagged the back of my neck pulling my face closer to his. His lips touched mine and I panicked. Nothing felt normal or exciting as terror settled deep, my chest felt like it might explode. I did the only thing I could think of, I kneed him in the nuts.
“You bitch!” He slapped me across the face before bending and cupping himself.
I seized the moment and dashed around him, almost knocking him over. “Maddie! Maddie!” I rushed down the short hallway, looking frantically for my daughter.
“What’s going on?”
I spun when I heard Frankie’s voice. She was standing at the front door holding Maddie’s hand. The relief was instant.
“I was looking for Maddie, and he,” I nodded at Ricky, “wouldn’t tell me anything.”
“We walked down to the post office to get the mail.” Then she pointedly looked at Ricky. “Get out. And this time, stay out! I’m serious Ricky, I don’t want to see your face around here again. If I do, I’ll call the cops.”
“Frankie, baby…” He tried to saddle up next to her in that creepy come here and forgive me way.
She shoved him away. Pointing her finger at him. “Don’t you Frankie baby me. You only use me because nobody else will let you freeload.”
He advanced closer to Frankie, and I didn’t know what to do. “Come here, baby,” I whispered, waving Maddie over to me and then pulling her against my side.
Frankie shoved Ricky’s chest, knocking him a back a step.
For some strange reason, he must have thought this was my fault because he glared at me over his shoulder before facing Frankie. “Fine.” And then he stomped out of the apartment.
Lifting Maddie, I snuggled my face into her curls, inhaling the smoky smell. That’s when it hit me. The smoke that hung thick in the apartment almost choked me to death. I did a quick glance around the room. Beer bottles, ashtrays full of cigarette butts. The TV blared some western that was currently playing. Even the sink held stacks of dirty dishes.
Plastering a grateful smile on my face, I kissed Maddie’s cheek. “Thanks Frankie.”
Frankie walked over and grabbed Maddie’s bag, handing it to me. “Anytime kid. See you Monday.”
Monday. I held in my sigh. Yes, I was grateful to have free help, but how long could I subject Maddie to these living conditions?
6
__________________
Alex
“Mama, you okay?” Looking down, those intense dark brown eyes were staring up at me. If anything happened to her, I don’t know what I would do. Maddie’s my world and nothing could happen to her. Ever.
“Yes, baby.”
“That Ricky say sometun to you?”
“No, honey, it’s fine.”
“I don’t like him much.” Her little voice sounded fierce as she squinched her eyes and shook her head.
I locked the door behind us and blew out a shaky breath before plastering a smile on my face. The encounter with Ricky rattled me. A lot. “Guess who’s coming over to see you?”
“Jessie?”
“Yes.”
Maddie squealed, punching the air with both tiny fists. Jessie was the only one who ever came by to see us. My mother, well she wasn’t in the picture.
I would like to say I had a good relationship with mother, AKA Josie, but that would be a lie. She had her own ideas and apparently, I screwed everything up. How many times could a person hear ‘I told you so’ before slowly cutting ties? Okay, there was nothing slow about the way I left.
Even now with the very rare phone call, she never fails to throw her accusations and opinions at me. But I still called from time to time. I feel most children crave their parent’s love and approval. At least that’s what I told myself so I wouldn’t feel so pathetic.
Standing at the small kitchen bar, I watched as Maddie grabbed her coloring book and a crayon, placing it on the coffee table before lowering to her knees. As long I lived, I would make sure she knows how much I love her.
And then I thought about Ricky and how bad things could have turned out. What would he do if he ever caught her alone without Frankie? I would like to hope he wasn’t into molesting kids, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
My heart deflated as I realized at that moment that I would do anything for my little girl. Maybe even become a glorified mistress. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I plastered a fake smile on my face.
“I’m going to take a quick shower.”
Maddie glanced up and smiled. “Okay mommy.”
After taking a five-minute shower, I wrapped one towel around my head, the other around my body.
Rummaging through my closet, I couldn’t find anything to wear, at least nothing that complemented by muffin top waist. Everything I had come from Goodwill. And why was everything made for super-skinny, perfect waistline women? If someone would come up with a line of clothing for us mothers, they could make a fortune! If I had the money, I would invent it myself and call it MTFM jeans. Muffin Tops For Moms - making jeans that actually fit! It would be a great slogan.
“Mommy, someone’s knockin’.” Maddie ye
lled from the living room.
Throwing on a faded blue robe, I hurried to the front door and took a quick look through the peephole. A girl could never be too careful.
When I opened the door, Jessie sashayed in. “I am so glad you’re here.” I said, shutting it behind her and bolting the lock.
Her eyes traveled from head to toe. “I can see that.”
“You goin’ out mommy?”
Jessie answered before I got the chance. “Yes!” she said excitedly, then reached down and tickled Maddie under the arm, making her giggle. “What do you think Maddie, does your mama need a prince charming?”
Maddie’s eyes turned dreamy. “Yep. Everybody needs a prince. Just like the book.”
“Okay you two, I’m not getting married or looking for a prince. I’m going to…” Hmm… I hadn’t really decided yet. That probably helped with my wardrobe conflict.
Jessie shot me a cheeky grin before asking Maddie. “Want to help me pick some pretty clothes out for your mom?”
Maddie twisted her mouth in disgust. “Nope.”
“Alrightly then.” Jessie sounded surprised, but I wasn’t. Maddie would be perfectly happy to wear her PJ’s all day, every day.
After trying on a few items, I couldn’t decide. My hands were sweaty, I felt on-edge. Life had suddenly become complicated, and off-kilter on so many levels.
“Put this on.” Jessie handed me a royal blue V-cut cotton shirt that was tucked in the back of my closet. I hadn’t seen it in months.
I took it from her. “What should I wear with it?”
“Jeans.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, pretty sure.”
“Gee, thanks.”
I ducked into the bathroom and tried on my fourth outfit. The jeans were stretchy around the waist so I didn’t have a huge mom muffin going on. That helped. Flipping my damp hair out from under the collar, I walked back to the bedroom. “What do you think?”
Jessie eyed me up and down. “Perfect. It’s comfortable so it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard, yet the shirt accentuates your breasts. Not to mention that the color looks amazing against your skin tone.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. Every man you meet will do a double take.”
I smirked, “Don’t bullshit a bullshiter,” and then headed into the bathroom and applied a little mascara, dabbed a little rouge on my cheeks, puckered up for clear gloss. That was plenty of makeup.
My hair was almost dry, so I fluffed it a little and then shrugged. I didn’t have anyone to impress. And then I thought of the guy with glowing blue eyes. After seeing me wearing my jumbled-up emotions, anything would be an improvement.
Heading back into the living room, Jessie had pulled Maddie onto the couch next to her. I felt like a painting on display as they both looked me over.
“You look pretty mommy.”
“Thanks baby.”
“You really do, Alex.”
“Thank you. Are you sure you don’t mind staying with Maddie?”
“I’m sure. Neither one of us has to work tomorrow so stay out as long as we want. I’ll be right here.”
I nodded. “There’s not a lot to eat but help yourself to anything. Also, can you give Maddie a bath?”
“Bubble,” Maddie chimed in to clarify.
Jessie and I both smiled at my beautiful sweet baby. And then I told Jessie, “It’s sitting on the side of the tub.”
“Yes, I will, and don’t worry about the food, I’m ordering in.”
“Pizza?” Maddie glanced up with a hopeful look.
“Pizza it is.”
Watching the two of them, Jessie on the couch and Maddie once again on her knees, they appeared very content. Maddie didn’t seem to mind me leaving her with Jessie. “Okay, then, I’ll guess I’ll go.”
Jessie rose to her feet and stepped in front of me, stuffing my hand with something. “Take this. Go sit in a restaurant, have a decent dinner and watch. You’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.”
I opened my hand and spotted the $20. “I can’t take this.”
“Consider it a gift. Now go have fun.”
Tears glossed my eyes. I knew money was tight for Jessie too, but she only had herself to worry about. Plus, she shared an apartment with another friend, so the rent was cut in half. But still, to babysit Maddie and give me money to do as I please…to eat something besides ice cream, fast food, or hotdog stands…nobody ever offered so much and asked for nothing in return. We lived in an ‘I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine,’ type of society. Nothing was free. Ever. Except Frankie and Jessie’s generosity.
Swallowing hard, I barely got the word “thanks” over the lump in my throat.
“You’re welcome Alex. Now go have fun.”
Maddie climbed to her feet and came around the coffee table. “Bye mommy.”
I knelt, then kissed her cheek. “Be a good girl for Jessie.”
“I will.”
“Love you baby.”
“Love you, too.”
_________
I drove around for about an hour with no direction, no place in mind. After years of scraping by, I had stopped looking at my surroundings. I didn’t want to see the new stores with fancy clothes, the steak house with lines of people waiting to get inside. It would only make me melancholy. That’s why I wore blinders and never saw the couples, or should I say the women chasing the smug ass men. Yes, I meant smug ass. If you had your choice of women then smug ass was probably 99.9% true.
Feeling guilty, I pulled into the parking lot of Sally’s Burgers and stared into the large window, watching people come and go. After five minutes, I reversed out of the spot and left.
I thought about catching a movie, but movies were expensive.
When someone gave you a gift and you had to choose one thing out of so many possibilities…it was hard to settle on a plan.
Pulling the $20 out of my front pocket, I stared at it hard, hoping it would speak and tell me what to do. (Not really, I’m not that crazy.) Jessie wanted me to do something nice and people watch, so I headed to Andrea’s Steakhouse. It wasn’t a 5-star restaurant. Not even a 3, but it would be a nice treat for me.
I waited in line for fifteen minutes before a hostess led me to a table for one in the far corner against the wall. After being seated, the vacant chair stared back at me, reminding me how alone I was. Shaking my head, I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu and decided to watch and learn.
And so, I did for the next forty-five minutes.
Jessie was right. The women tried to outdo all others, or at least keep up, but the men were sloppy. Pudge bellies, unkept hair, most looked like they hadn’t shaved in days.
And then there were the ones like me. Satisfied and not worth the effort anymore. As I was watching, reality smacked me in the face. I would be fine, but what about Maddie? What would she want in life? And the big question now, how could I give her a choice?
The waitress delivered a chicken salad, and as I ate, my mind kept straying to Black. Would it really be that bad? And if he felt the same desire I did, could he really treat me as a mistress? Would Maddie have a chance in his realm? I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, I would do anything for my daughter if it meant she could have a better life, but my pride demanded that I stay away. I would not be someone’s mistress.
My entire life, I always had something that nobody could take from me. My decency. I never slept around. I never lied or took things that didn’t belong to me. I made sure that Maddie had food to eat even if it meant that I had to go hungry. And yet Ricky had thrown everything off balance. As good as Frankie was to Maddie, I knew deep down that I needed to get her as far away from Ricky as I could. He was bad news.
I chewed my inner jaw, thinking, and then took another bite. I just didn’t know if I could be that person who traded sex for an easy life.
I finished my meal, paid the tab, and the next thing I knew, I was pulling into the
empty parking lot. With no other cars around and only the dim light from a streetlamp, it looked dangerous, uninviting.
I knew I had lost a few marbles and I should just call it a night. But I couldn’t make myself leave.
Not yet.
Remembering the searing kiss from earlier, an excitement I hadn’t felt in almost forever, I wanted to see Black again. Not that I deluded myself into thinking Black would whisk me away to some promise land, I just wanted an evening. An evening to see if I could live with this—with myself. And if I was being honest, I wanted an evening to let myself go.
It had been so long since I let myself feel anything other than responsibility. Certainly not this reckless, one-night stand behavior that I’m really considering at the moment.
The way his lips moved expertly over mine, the way he seamlessly had me in his arms. Black knew what he was doing. Unlike me.
Sitting in the car, I blew out a long slow breath. Procrastinating was a specialty of mine.
As I stared at the door, I still wrestled with whether or not I could abandon my morals. It was just one evening, not a lifetime. That’s what I told myself to make myself feel better. I needed to feel him out and find out all I could about him, his intentions, his realm, and most important, how he felt about kids.
Nerves were getting the better of me as I tried to talk myself out of this stupid notion. I was about to leave, about to reverse out of the parking lot, head home and call it a night when the inside light flicked on. Black filled the doorway, his eyes glowing into the darkness.
Those glowing eyes scared the shit out of me. And still, I couldn’t leave. Blowing out a long slow breath, I opened the door.
Getting out, I shut the door, then checked the handle to make sure I’d locked it. I had. My legs felt heavy as I took one shaky step at a time. The air smelled clean, a light breeze ruffled my hair.
Locking eyes across the parking lot, my mouth felt like cotton. What was I doing here? Another step closer and I felt more alive than I could ever remember. Except for when I delivered Maddie. (I knew I was alive because that hurt like hell.) Butterflies took flight in my stomach and I grew wet between my thighs.
Need slammed into me.
