by Stella Rhys
His upper lip curled. “She’s one of your brother’s many friends, Holland, who I don’t give a single fuck about.”
“Then why are you with her and ignoring me? Knowingly hurting me?” I demanded, keeping my eyes pinned on him even as the crowd jostled me. “We both know this isn’t you, so don’t be a coward and just tell me what’s behind this sudden change of heart!”
“It’s not a change of heart, Holland,” Iain growled, close now as the crowd swelled around the bar. “It’s what I knew from the beginning. That I’m not the one for you. That this is wrong.”
“How so, Iain? Because no one gives a shit,” I argued. “Adam said it himself! He wouldn’t care if—”
“If I was dating you, Holland, not fucking you,” Iain hissed so harshly I reared back like he’d raised his hand against me.
In the silence that followed, I glared in awe at him, feeling my heart twist violently inside my chest.
“And that’s what you’ve been doing, right?” I asked softly. Furiously. “Just fucking me?”
He only stared, saying nothing. His eyes were cold and his jaw was tight, and when another few seconds passed without a word from him, I went off.
“For the record,” I enunciated, my voice trembling as I forced the tears away from my eyes. “I was ready to let you go. I was ready to move on because you were busy and a mystery, and I couldn’t trust you not to just disappear again. But then you came looking for me. You showed up at my apartment. You said you cared about me, and you acted like you needed me. You told me just this morning that all you wanted was to be with me, and if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be standing here right now looking at you like you’re a fucking asshole, and asking you what the hell your fucking problem is.”
Emotion choked my last word before I could get it out fully, and I hated the idea of crying in any form in front of Iain right now, especially when I’d yet to get an answer, so I forced myself to calm back down. Forced my voice to relax before I spoke again.
“Tell me why you can’t be with me,” I asked evenly.
“Because I can’t afford to feel the things I feel around you,” he replied.
“Like what?” I seethed. “Good? Passionate? Actually interested?”
“Yes.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t.”
“Not an answer. Why not?” I repeated fiercely.
“Because, Holland,” Iain growled, making my heart leap into my throat as he got suddenly right in my face. “Because when I feel good,” he muttered hotly, his stare piercing into me as I backed into the wall, “and I mean genuinely fucking fired up, and passionate, and fulfilled,” he murmured. “I hurt people. And I don’t mean I break their hearts, I hurt people physically. I ruin their lives. I leave a trail of fucking chaos, because the things I crave aren’t good, and you know that. You remember what I was like back then. You saw us coming back fucked up every night. Bloodied. Bruised. You knew your dad bailed Adam out of jail. That Speed Demon wasn’t just some funny thing with no consequences. We hurt people, and you weren’t so young that you couldn’t understand all that,” he hissed. “You were just so hell-bent on seeing something good behind it. But it wasn’t there and it still isn’t. I’ve just gotten really good at pretending.”
Teeth clenched, I stared back, refusing to look as daunted as I was.
“So, what? You can’t be with me because I’m just so good and pure and you’re just the total opposite?” I said scornfully once he stood again at a normal distance, his shoulders still tight, the fire still burning in his eyes.
“There’s nothing here for you, Holland,” he said simply. “I’m not the person you think I am. I’m not good. That’s not innately me.”
“I think you’re wrong,” I fought him.
“I don’t care,” he said cruelly, holding his stare to ensure I knew that he meant what he said. “It doesn’t matter what you think.”
The tears were burning in my eyes now as I stood there in shock, my chest feeling raw like my splintered heart was scraping my insides.
I didn’t even remember turning around. Walking away.
All I remembered was pacing back toward everyone, refusing to let myself cry.
I wasn’t going to do that.
I was just going to get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. This awfulness crawling all over me.
It was seeping into my skin by the time I got back to the table where everyone was still happy, still laughing, still fake-arguing about who was going to get the stupid phone.
So taking a big swig of my drink, I slammed my cup down.
“You know what? I’ll get it,” I said, hearing a few of the guys say “what?” as I turned and went. Then came the sound of moving chairs, everyone standing up to watch me kick off my shoes and walk over to the pool, never breaking my stride before I jumped in.
Plunging deep.
Submerged myself in the cold.
And as I closed my eyes, I reveled in the peace and quiet. The way my tears weren’t tears here but just water. The sounds above me were muted and for a few seconds, that was just what I needed.
But when my heart finally stopped pounding, I kicked my way to A.J’s phone. I waded a little deeper down to grab it, and then I burst to the surface to the shattering volume of Adam’s friends cheering. Hooting and hollering. Making a scene.
It was one I would never normally survive—something Adam would incite and enjoy, not me.
But I just didn’t care right now.
“Holy shit, babe,” Caleb said, his eyes lit like Christmas lights as he appeared at the side of the pool to help me get out.
I said nothing as I took his hand and let him hoist me out of the water.
“Jesus. You’re gonna get me in trouble tonight, aren’t you?” he muttered, shaking his head as he stared at my dress.
It clung to me like a second skin as I walked with him back to the table, giving myself a three-second-long glance at Iain who stood paused a few tables down.
Staring.
Livid.
I could see the rise and fall of his chest from where I was at the edge of the pool, his fury so dark I could barely enjoy it.
Because this wasn’t like the other times.
It wasn’t playful torment. A little game. It was real.
Actual pain that hurt to the bone.
“Oh my goodness, Holland, you did not have to do that!” A.J gasped, throwing her arms around me after I handed over her phone. “Poor thing, there’s a breeze right now. Adam—get her a towel!” she called down to my brother, who was already going off somewhere to find me a towel. And when he came back with what didn’t look like a towel, she groaned to the skies and ran off to get a “real” one.
And unsurprisingly, Adam went with her, leaving me alone with his grinning, laughing friends.
But no Iain.
I didn’t know where he was and he didn’t come back for ten minutes.
Maybe he had left. Forced himself not to care.
The thought alone hurt me almost as much as his words had before.
It doesn’t matter what you think.
He knew it would hurt me when he said it.
But he had no idea just how much.
It was hurting me so much right now that I’d do anything to forget it. To erase it from my brain.
I can’t be here right now, I realized.
So without waiting for Adam and A.J to come back, I slipped away from the group.
I just had to go.
To just get out of this place. To not have to think of those words.
It doesn’t matter what you think.
I was already scared of having them play on repeat in my head all night. Having them be the last thing I heard before I went to sleep. So when Caleb found me at the elevators, I didn’t completely ignore him like I did when I got out of the pool. I didn’t smile, but I returned his gaze as he gave me a laugh.
“Kind of hard to Irish goodbye w
hen you leave a trail of water everywhere you go,” he said before he furrowed his brow. “You okay?”
I stared blankly at him. “Yeah. I just want to get home,” I said. “Had a long day at the beach.”
“I get that,” he nodded, quiet for a few seconds. Then he gave my wet body the once over before taking off his blazer. “Any chance you need an escort?”
34
HOLLAND
I took my hair out and peeled off my wet clothes as soon as I got back to my apartment. I changed into the black silk robe I had been saving for what tonight was supposed to have been.
And I tried to scrub Iain’s words from my mind by letting Caleb touch me.
I turned away from his kiss, wouldn’t let his lips come close to mine. But I let him run his hands down my arms. Along my hips. I let his palms smooth their way to my front, his breath heavy as they began to move up to my breasts.
But just as he tried to touch them, I shirked away.
“I can’t,” I breathed out, shaking my head. Eyes closed. Mind spinning. When I opened them back, he was stepping toward me again. “Stop,” I said firmly. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. You have to leave.”
Standing in the middle of my living room, Caleb grimaced and stared. Still looking down at my body. Still hoping for another second.
But when I said it again, he nodded, blowing out a big breath of air through his mouth before he turned around and walked out my front door.
And once he was gone, I stood there and buried my face in my hands, ready to just let it all out. To let go of the sob I’d been holding in for so long. The pain that had been bottling inside me since I walked onto that roof.
But then I heard shuffling in the hallway.
Then jostling.
I looked up from my hands when I heard the sound of low muttering outside. Two voices that got louder by the word.
Then came a loud thump.
One, then another, and when I realized limbs were crashing into the wall outside my apartment, I flew to the door, swinging it open just in time to hear Caleb hiss, “So what? You’re clearly here for the same!”
I got in the hall just in time to see Iain throw him against the wall.
“Iain!” I yelled, rushing between them just as Caleb swung at Iain and missed. My eyes lit on fire as I turned to him. “Get out!” I yelled at Caleb, my voice reedy and tears threatening to spill.
But I held them just a little longer, waiting till he finished cursing under his breath and getting out of my sight.
And once he was, I turned and stalked back to my door without so much as a glance in Iain’s direction. “Don’t come near me,” I said, my voice vibrating with fury.
He said nothing in reply but when I got into my apartment and slammed the door behind me, I heard him catch it and walk in.
I turned around, heart thudding when his stare locked on mine—vicious, tormented. Fired up like I’d never seen.
“Get out,” I said. Almost calmly. But when he shut the door behind him and came toward me, I screamed, “Get out, Iain!”
My pulse rocketed when he only kept coming, so I spun and headed for my bedroom, intent on slamming another door in his face. But I yelped as he firmly caught my arm and pulled me back.
“Don’t—” I ground out, pushing away, getting out two long strides before he growled my name and caught me by my robe, spinning me around and pulling me into his chest.
My tears finally spilled as I tried to fight him, to shove him away and tell him I didn’t want him here. It was all a lie, but I didn’t want it to be, so I tried yelling it true while shoving in vain against Iain and his every muscle clenched so tight it felt like stone.
But my body slowed, weak from resisting, and when I could see through my tears again, I saw the anguish in Iain’s eyes as they bore into me. The torment twisting in his features as he panted an inch from my lips, whispering I’m sorry with my hands collected in his and my back pinned against the wall.
I stared into him as he did the same to me. Three seconds of our hot breaths tangling in the same fog of thick air.
And then our mouths crashed against each other, our arms wrapping around each other and holding on tight as we kissed like we needed one another to breathe. My hands grasped fistfuls of his hair as his hands grabbed all over my body, squeezing at me, pulling at me like he refused to let go for even as second.
“I can’t give you up, Holland,” he whispered urgently. “I tried. I can’t. I’m sorry,” he murmured to me between kisses, his hands cupping my face, his forehead resting on mine. “I can feel it when you hurt. I always have. And I hate being the one who does it to you. I fucking hate it. I can’t do that again.”
I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me. Talking to himself. But it didn’t matter. He was talking. Telling me all the things I needed to hear.
“Come clean with me, Iain,” I whispered, holding his wrists as he held onto my face. “You have to.”
“I will. I promise. I’ll give you everything you want, Holland. I’m not letting you go again,” he breathed harshly. “You’re everything I need, and I need you to be mine and only mine. Because you belong to me. You’ve always belonged to me.”
His words tranquilized me, fire still in my eyes but a calm spreading though my veins as I pushed Iain back enough so he could look at me. All of me. Still wet. Fully bare under my torn open robe. The room was silent besides our panting breaths, but then I spoke the words that started it all.
“Show me then.”
He swallowed hard. “Show you what?”
“That I belong to you.”
He looked at me for only another second.
But then we lunged at the same time, our bodies crashing against each other. My arms pulling up his shirt. His tongue against mine as he undid his button and zipper.
Once he was fully naked, he pinned me hard to the wall, hoisting me against it. He wrapped my legs around his hips and he never broke away from our kiss as he lifted me higher, till I could feel his crown nudging against my sex.
Eyes locked, we exhaled the same breath as he eased me down every inch of his shaft, letting me feel his every hard ridge, and for a moment, we just breathed with him inside me, soaking each other in, but then letting our mouths find each other again. Our lips parted and our tongues slid against each other, slow first but then faster, faster till he was moving inside me, flexing his hips, steadily lengthening each stroke until he was fucking me so hard he pushed me up the wall with every thrust.
“You’re mine, Holland,” he growled, his voice fierce, pained, penetrating me between kisses. “Mine. All mine.”
He chanted the words as he tightly gripped the bottoms of my thighs, his entire body flexed as he drove in and out of me, making me feel so good I couldn’t keep still. I hugged my arms tight around his neck. Raked my hands through his hair. I dragged my fingernails down his back and I begged him to kiss me when he dared to break away to groan with pleasure.
I was only vaguely aware of him carrying me elsewhere. Still inside me as a door creaked open. As he lay me down. It wasn’t till his weight was on top of me that I realized I was in my bed.
And there, our limbs tangled, Iain grinding himself inside me, our eyes locked and our breaths mingling. He soaked in every second of me, whispering words I couldn’t quite hear till the last time he said it. “My weakness… you’re my fucking weakness, Holland. And I’m never letting you go.”
Much better words to end my night on.
Words that I heard even as my climax forced me to cry out his name. Even as Iain came with me, groaning into my neck, his heart against mine, our bodies soaring together, and our frantic eyes searching each other as we came back down.
There were other words now. Words unsaid that danced like sparks between us.
I didn’t say them though. And neither did he. But wrapped in each other’s arms, we knew it was okay.
That it could wait till tomorrow.
35
H
OLLAND
I woke up a little past nine the next morning.
Unsurprisingly, Iain had already been up. He’d probably been for hours. I could hear him talking quietly out in the living room right now, and I assumed he was on a work call. But then I heard Mia’s laugh.
Oh my God.
I rushed outside to see them sitting at the little square table between the kitchen and the living room, which technically counted as our whole dining room.
Mia was in a David Bowie hoodie and leggings. Iain in his Empires T-shirt and sweats.
Wow.
It was a remarkably cute scene.
Especially when they both turned at the same time and smiled at me. But then they laughed, probably because I looked very confused by the fact that Mia was drinking out of a shot glass.
Mia looked down at it.
“Oh. This is coffee,” she said, holding up the little glass. “And it’s amazing. Have you tried this? He made it.”
I paused, my eyes processing enough to let my sense of smell pick up the scent of fresh coffee. And then I realized that Iain had made his famous cafezinho. When I cocked my head curiously at him, he cracked a smile.
“I went out for a walk after I woke up. Found a coffee place that had something I could use.”
I blinked. “How long have you been up?”
“Since five,” he replied.
“Mm-hm. Imagine my surprise, Holland, when I woke up to the smell of coffee this morning and found this man in my kitchen.”
I burst out laughing because Mia’s voice was casual and pleasant, but she was staring at me unblinkingly in an attempt to convey the true shock she’d experienced this morning.
“Man. Sorry I was just sleeping like a rock,” I said, sitting at the end of the couch. “So… what have you guys been talking about?”
Mia answered in singsong. “Oh, nothing. Iain’s just telling me about your plans today.”
I cocked my head at him. “Which are?”
His eyes glimmered on me as he shrugged. “Whatever you want to do,” he said. “We can do what you originally planned or we can just hang out here. But I canceled most of my meetings for tomorrow and I only have a few calls to make. So we don’t have to rush. We can just take it easy and relax.”
