by Stella Rhys
“If you trust me now, I’ll tell you soon,” I said, making him crack a smile. “So do you trust me?”
His gaze was warm, calm as he nodded. And then he said the three words that were almost as good as the ones I’d been dreaming of last night.
“I trust you.”
37
IAIN
“Ah, fucking hell, man.”
Adam threw his napkin down as he sat across from Holland and me at our sidewalk table for lunch.
I’d spent the morning trying to figure out how I wanted to tell him about the fact that I was seeing his sister, but when Holland saw a second’s worth of a frown on my face as we headed to the restaurant, she said, “I got this.”
Which meant her sitting down at the table, letting me sit next to her, then saying to Adam, “So, we’re a thing.”
And that was it.
“What’s he so upset about now?” A.J snorted as she came back from the bathroom.
Seemingly, the answer was he’s not taking it well that Holland and I are together.
But instead of saying that, Adam heaved a sigh, took out his wallet and handed A.J a twenty.
Holland burst out laughing. “You knew?” she asked A.J, who gave a cocky toss of her dark ponytail over her shoulder.
“Suspected it early,” she said before turning her eyes to me. “I mean the whole buying her a bed thing was a little suspicious, Thorn. But you got the benefit of the doubt because I was swamped. But then the other day at the bar, I just felt it. And had I been there in person to see you guys earlier, I’d have known even faster because this energy?” she pointed back and forth between us. “Palpable as fuck.”
I had to laugh even if it meant I wasn’t as slick as I thought, and later in the meal, when I snuck inside to pay the bill before Adam, he found me and clapped his hand on my shoulder.
And though I expected his usual jokes, all he had for me was a quiet, close-lipped smile that was so obviously emotional that I had to give him shit.
Or at least try, but then he said, “Stop. Just… let me have this fuckin’ moment, okay? Because if I had to pick anyone in the world for her, it would be you in a heartbeat,” he said, humbling me so fast I couldn’t even crack a teasing grin anymore. “You were the one who taught me how to be a better brother for her. You always looked out for her from the start, and I’m not even sure who’s luckier. You or her.”
His hand was still on my shoulder as I broke into a smile as I nodded. “I appreciate it, man.”
“I’m sure I’m supposed to give you the customary ‘if you hurt her, I’ll kill you’ speech, but I’m pretty sure that’s yours to give,” Adam said, making me laugh. “So, you guys going off on the secret birthday adventure today?”
“Yep.”
He grinned. “Dude. This girl hasn’t been anywhere in the world except our shitty hometown in Jersey and the lower half of Manhattan, and she only got her driver’s license two years ago. You’re really going to trust her to drive you to some mystery location?”
“You bet. If she wants it, she gets it. I’m not even going to ask questions at this point,” I said, making him laugh and joke about how I was already whipped. And though I easily roasted him right back, it didn’t take away from what I’d just said, especially as I caught Holland’s eye through the front window of the restaurant.
A piece of her blonde hair blew in the breeze as she smiled at me, warming my entire soul and affirming what I knew in my heart as fact now.
That I would do anything for this girl.
And there was nowhere in the world I wouldn’t go for her.
Hiking.
That was apparently what Holland had in mind for my birthday surprise, and I wasn’t complaining.
But I was definitely perplexed.
And amused.
“Okay, but don’t you understand that hiking is never just hiking? It always serves a purpose, Iain,” she teased—teasing me in every way possible, actually, considering the fact that she was climbing ahead of me in these spandex-looking training shorts that made me want to spank her ass and fuck her right in these woods.
“I know, I know. There’s always a view of some sort at the top,” I said, though I had to wonder what kind of view we were going to get in this random area about an hour-and-a-half outside the city.
But as we traversed another twenty minutes up a steep incline of grass, dirt sticks and trees, I felt a natural rush in my veins. My blood start to pump. And when we got a little farther and I heard the unexpected sound of water, Holland turned to me with a bright smile for the look of realization on my face.
“It’s not just a view,” she said, taking my hand and leading me up the rest of the way up till I was grinning wide because suddenly the woods opened up and there was open sky above us and a waterfall ahead.
It was a little hidden oasis surrounded my trees, with more than a few big, flat stones the perfect height above the open water.
Including the thirty-odd-foot one we were standing on now.
“Like I said, it’s not just a view, it’s a cliff,” Holland smirked as we stood together a few feet from the edge. “And what you’re going to do is jump off… and I don’t mean that you have to backflip like you used to,” she laughed, making me great into a big grin. “But you have to just jump so you can feel the thrill and know it’s okay. That you can do the things you want and have the things you love. And you’re still going to be the same person after. You’re still going to be as good and perfect as you’ve always been.”
I had to breathe out disbelief. Complete awe of her.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Holland,” I said genuinely, making her lips curve up.
“I do,” she said.
I smiled. “What?”
“You gave me the fighting chance to be happy,” she said.
And when I frowned in confusion at her, she looked briefly down at our joined hands before looking back up at me.
“It wasn’t as easy as you think,” she said. “Getting past all the things that happened to me in high school. I know it seems like I can be all rainbows and sunshine sometimes with my gratitude journals and my vision boards and my breathing exercises,” she laughed softly, so fucking beautiful when she smiled. “But all that happened way later, Iain. And none of it would have even had a chance to work if I went through with it.”
A knot formed in my throat as I squeezed her hands.
“Went through with what?” I frowned.
She took in a deep breath, taking a second to squint down at the sun reflecting over the water
“It might sound stupid, because I was a teenager,” she started quietly. “But I really felt like I was suffering for awhile. There was a period where it hurt too much. I lost all my friends overnight. I had to watch them parade around the halls without me. I sat alone for everything. Teachers, even the principal hated me. The way I looked at my mom was the way everyone looked at me. No one would go near me. I wasn’t invited anywhere. I’d known Kelsey and her family since I was six years old and she wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I tried to say hi to her mom at school and she looked away. Everywhere I went, I had to wear my mom’s shame, and I knew my mom wasn’t going to let me dorm at college, so it felt like there was no end in sight. I felt like I was suffocating.”
My heart hammered in my chest as I squeezed her hands tight. “What did you do?” I asked.
“I didn’t even know I started thinking about it. I didn’t realize. I knew I was sad, but I thought I was Googling things out of morbid curiosity. Maybe because I heard a story on the news. I didn’t think I’d ever do anything myself.”
My heart rioted inside me as I thought of Holland when she was that age.
Hurting alone. Hurting that much.
It made me want so badly to go back in time and find her. To wrap my arms around her the way I was doing right now.
“I think I’d spent probably months hoarding pills from my Grandma’s purse. I’d just take a
few every time she came over. Which was messed up because she loved me and she used to try to defend me,” she said into my chest, her hand curled next to her lips as I held her tight against me. “You and Adam just started working at Engelman. You were too busy to come home that winter. I hadn’t seen you in three months, and June felt like forever away, so I just… picked a day to do it. And that was it. But then you called.
“You called to talk to my dad first. But then he handed his phone to me without my mom knowing. You asked me if you could try to fly me out to L.A to celebrate Adam’s birthday.” She laughed at the memory, nestling her head against my chest. “And I said that would never happen. Right away. I think I asked you what you were thinking too, which might’ve been the meanest I ever was to you. And you laughed and you said it was worth a shot, because it would be a great surprise for Adam. You said he was upset he didn’t get to see me for Christmas. And then you asked me about school. And then we hung up.”
My words would barely come out when I tried to speak.
“I remember,” I whispered.
I just didn’t know what it had meant.
“It was the first time you and I spoke on the phone. The first time I ever pictured myself on a plane. Or being in L.A. I visualized palm trees. Venice Beach. All that jazz. You said ‘we’ll try next year’ and it made me think about next year. It made me think that there might be things ahead of me. Others firsts to look forward to. Which is why I still write all my firsts down in my gratitude journal,” she said, looking up at me with a little grin. “I know it was nothing on your end but it was everything to me. And it wouldn’t have been if you were just some random friend of Adam’s who called. It was because you were you. Because I trusted you, and because you meant the world to me.”
Surrounded by water, standing over the edge, I brought her face close to mine, kissing her softly, letting my forehead rest gently on hers as she spoke again.
“I don’t think you realize that I’ve loved you since I was a little girl,” she whispered right against my lips, making my heart swell so full I thought it could it burst. “And it wasn’t just the crush, Iain, it was because you were my one saving grace. You were the best person I knew. Even before I fell into my dark place. Even before you pulled me out. You were always there for me. Like no one else ever was. And it hurt when you left, but I never stopped being grateful for what you did for me. So do you believe me now?”
I looked at her. “Believe what?” I murmured.
“That you’re a good person,” she answered, running her thumbs over my hands. “You deserve happiness more than anyone I know, because you gave me my shot at mine. And now that I have my happiness, I’m going to do whatever I can to help you find yours.”
All I could do was look at her for a moment. Stunned. Amazed. So fucking overwhelmed by my adoration.
“I have it right here, Holland,” I said.
And the little smile she gave me after was all I needed—for this birthday, the next, and all the others that followed.
“You ready then?” she asked.
I nodded, pulling her close to kiss her deeply, sweeping my tongue against hers before I peeled her her tank top up over her head. Our mouths found each other again as she tugged at my sweats, and when we were finally down to our underwear, we broke away and stood before each other with our eyes dancing in excitement.
I took the plunge first.
Then she followed.
One free fall after the other.
And when she burst up to the surface with the biggest smile, I couldn’t help but mirror it, laughing as my blood rushed and my heart pounded. Adrenaline surged through me as I pulled her close, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing her through all the words I couldn’t hold in anymore.
“I love you, Holland. I’ve loved you for a long time now. And I’m never going to stop.”
38
IAIN
“Just like the good ol’ days, right?” Adam called to me from across the bar, holding up two pints of the shitty beer we used to drink when we came here as law school students who didn’t have clients yet and thus no need for flashy meetings or remotely sophisticated taste.
“So this is where I’d hear you guys go off to at night,” Holland laughed, perched on my lap as we watched A.J cue up for a shot at the pool table. “God, I used to just lay in bed and wonder forever what kind of bars you were sneaking off to,” she said as I smirked and kissed the back of her neck.
She looked like an effortless knockout tonight in a white Empires V-neck and a pair of those ripped denim shorts she made herself, and with a pool cue in hand, she seemed much more likely a regular here, not a starry-eyed first timer who couldn’t stop looking around like a tourist in Times Square.
I smiled as I watched her survey the bar, taking in its pretty typical sports bar decor like it was something much more interesting. But in truth, if it was interesting to her, it was interesting to me. Because while it had taken some time, I was starting to find her appreciation for the simple things infectious.
Starting to realize just how much good I had in my life.
“You know what, I lied, it’s not the good ol’ days,” Adam said when he came back, handing me my beer. “It’s a million times better, because this one is here,” he grinned, reaching over to ruffle Holland’s hair before turning to heckle A.J despite the fact that they were on the same team.
I smiled instinctively at the sound of Holland’s laugh as I took a drink of my awful beer, which a part of me wished was coffee, because I was completely wiped after my first day back to work following my first ever long weekend. There’d been plenty to catch up on, and it had been easily one of the busiest work days of my life, but as tired as I felt right now, I was still grinning from ear to ear because I had Holland leaning back against me right now, giggling at Adam’s antics and asking to try a sip of my beer.
Apparently, the solution to any bad feeling was just holding her to my chest.
I’d felt ripped wide open the other night after I told her the truth about everything. Daniel. My father. Growing up the way that I did, I’d felt vulnerable more than a couple of times. But the other night wasn’t as simple as feeling vulnerable.
I felt like a bleeding wound.
It was every rush of emotion I’d feared and spent years training myself not to have. And I wouldn’t have believed it if anyone told me a month ago that I would feel that way, confess those sins, and live to tell the tale. As I had said them to Holland the other night, I wasn’t fully sure I’d survive it.
But I did because as freely as my heart bled, just holding her against my chest had made me feel okay. Good, even.
Whole.
It made me feel like one day, the bleeding might actually stop.
The pain of what happened was never going to disappear, but now that I’d reached into my heart and touched it, it didn’t feel so much like a dark beast I had to bury. It just felt like another part of me. It wasn’t pretty and it was still raw.
But I was going to work on helping it heal.
“Okay, you should probably stop that now,” Holland whispered, making me peer up in the middle of planting soft kisses along her neck.
“Stop what?”
“Making me want to go home and take all my clothes off for you.”
I groaned into her shoulder and smoothed my hands down her thighs. “We can do that, you know.” I brushed my lips along the softness of her skin. “We’ll just make the time up to Adam by visiting him in L.A soon. Next weekend if you want. Or tomorrow.”
Holland giggled as she rolled her head back onto my shoulder. “I don’t think you realize how crazy you sound right now.”
“I don’t think you realize how completely in love with you I am.”
She stilled, pausing for a moment. Then she turned in my lap to look at me with her cheeks flushed and her eyes bright. But just as she opened her mouth to speak, I heard a familiar drawl to our right.
“No fuckin
’ way.”
My brow furrowed before I even turned to confirm who I knew I’d see there, but once I saw him, my frown deepened further.
Because standing three feet from us was a grinning, bleary-eyed, already-drunk-as-hell Shane Watt—who was not only my client, but the one who had initially spotted Holland at the bar the first night she came back into my life.
He was the one who’d said every filthy thing under the sun about her.
The one who’d inspired me to get her fired.
So yeah. Definitely had more than a few reasons to be less than pleased.
On a professional level, it was still the middle of the season and he was supposed to be rehabbing a recent elbow injury, not getting shitfaced at a bar.
And on a personal level, he was staring at Holland in sheer delighted surprise, leering so openly at her right now that I felt her shirk back into my chest. Instinctively, I held her tighter, but when it was clear Watt wasn’t going anywhere, I murmured in her ear to go to where Adam and A.J were across the pool table.
And once she did, I rose to my feet. “This can’t be good for the rehab, Watt,” I said.
“Don’t worry about me, Thorn, I know what’s best for me. At least I do now,” he sneered.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked while taking a quick glance around to survey the number of eyes on us. More than a few pairs considering Shane Watt was a pretty recognizable figure in a New York sports bar.
“It means I thought I was crazy, but now I’m feeling like I shouldn’t have trusted you,” Shane said.
And when I asked if we could step somewhere private, he spat a hard no, so I asked patiently, “Why shouldn’t you have trusted me, Watt?”
“Well, for starters, the contract,” he said easily, referring to the very endorsement deal I’d been talking to him and Ty Damon about that night we saw Holland. The deal he’d been perfectly fine with until he saw in the news that Damon was earning forty percent more.
