“Here it is” Georgia said.
The fields were just as magnificent as Georgia had described them. The wide open space was overwhelming but pure. Being in the city, it is facile to forget how green the natural world is and how magnificent rural England can be. What I liked even more than the view was the smell. The unpolluted clean air filled my nostrils and entered my lungs. Like an intense thirst being quenched after a voyage through the Sahara desert, my body felt satisfied. As did my soul. At the entrance of the fields was a small wooden gate and as I pushed it, I smiled at Georgia and whispered, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” She said shyly. I hugged her and we stood there holding each other like the two silly girls in love that we were.
“Come on, come on.” Georgia laughed.
We walked through the thick grass. I allowed my entire being to be filled with the beautiful sounds, aromas and spiritual sensations that mother earth provided. In retrospect, the love that existed between us is what gave the wondrous atmosphere its true delightful essence. We held hands and walked through the fields like in a dream.
“How about here?” I asked when there was a nice clearing in the grass.
Georgia nodded in acknowledgement and we sat down. Both sets of eyes were wandering the landscapes as we took it all in. I sighed in happiness.
“Can anything be truly better than this?” I posed the question.
“I doubt it baby.” Georgia said.
I leaned in and kissed her. She then fell onto my lap and I stroked her hair. It was perfection.
“What are you thinking?” I asked.
“It’s strange being back here.” She posited.
“Good strange? Or bad strange?” I added.
“No no, amazing kind of strange.” She asserted.
“I’m glad. Baby, I wanted to talk about the other day.” I said.
Georgia got up and sensed the tone was a bit more serious.
“The other day?” She asked.
“Yeah. Remember how you told me that you were scared of the fact that you are in love with me?”
“Yes…” she stated with suspicion.
“Do you still feel afraid?” I said.
“Why are you asking that?” Georgia said.
“Because ever since we had that conversation, you seem a bit off with me baby. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to misconstrue anything but it’s been on my mind.” I told her.
“If I’m truly honest…yeah I’m still scared. I’ve never been in love before, I’ve never had anyone who knows literally everything about me the way that you do. Baby, I never want you to doubt how much I love you because really I do. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be. Every second I spend with you is heaven on earth.
But you have to understand that I have so much emotional baggage…I suppose we both do. I am just so scared of these feelings. When you’re alone your entire life with no-one to confide in, it’s uncanny when someone breaks down those walls.”
“I understand. I just want you to know that I will always love you” I said.
“I know you will Adri, I know you will.” She responded.
I was reassured by the affirmation of her love for me. So I dropped it and we sat there enjoying living in the moment with each other.
“How about you?” She said after a break of silence.
“Me? What about me?” I asked uncertain of what she meant.
“What are you thinking about?” She said while stroking my hand.
“I’m thinking about you, well…more specifically, I’m thinking about us and what we have.” I said.
“It is pretty perfect huh?” She intervened.
“Yeah, it really is. I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have found you. You say how you have always been alone, always living in your head since a young age. Well I have too, in a way. I chose to be alone because I never really had friends or anyone to turn to. I’ve always seen people as selfish. But with you, I don’t feel alone anymore. In you, I’ve found everything that I have ever wanted. A best friend, a lover, and a soulmate. You think you’re afraid because you’re in love with me, but I’m terrified.”
“Of what?” She asked with consternation.
“I’ve never trusted anyone before but I completely trust you. What scares me is the prospect losing that trust. I’m not saying it’ll happen but I just know that if this fell apart, I don’t know if I could ever trust someone again.” I said.
Georgia sighed and nodded, “I know exactly how you feel.”
She clasped my hand tightly and like a vulnerable child, I buried my head into her. She held me for a while.
Before we knew it, sundown was imminent and we left.
We took the bus home and when we arrived at the campus, we knew it was time to part ways again. I stood and looked at Georgia. “I love you so much” I said with conviction. I wore my heart on my sleeve for her.
“I love you too.” She said.
Immediately, tears formed in her eyes.
“Baby, why are you crying?” I asked.
She wouldn’t say anything and looking back, I should have trusted my gut instinct. Something was wrong.
Instead of inquiring further though, I simply held her.
“I’ll miss you.” She said weeping.
“I will too and I can’t wait to see you again baby.” I replied.
We parted ways and I watched as Georgia left my sight. Just like at the end of a romance film, she walked away in slow motion. I focused on every movement trying to absorb every small bit of life that the mere sight of her brought to me. Beauty knows no boundaries when you are in love. Infatuation is a more appropriate term, to be sure.
6
Love and a Lot of Pain
Our relationship developed and grew. We were together almost every day, making time for each other whenever we could. We went on countless dates, too. We had it all and our passion was only getting more intimate and intense. She was my everything as I was hers.
However, things began to take a downhill turn when I finished university. I had a place lined up for a postgraduate course in the north of England which means that we would have to pursue a long distance relationship.
We both knew it was coming and Georgia had another year at university. I graduated with a very good degree but my excitement of doing a master’s degree was undercut by not being able to have my girl, the one and only reason I bothered to wake up in the morning.
The day came when I moved into my new apartment, sixty one miles away from her. It was extremely difficult.
Georgia rang me every hour or so to check in on me as I moved my stuff and emptied the van that I had hired. It was a standard one bedroom apartment, all that I could afford as a graduate student on a part-time income. It was nicer than one might expect though and my decorations and additional ornaments brought some additional life to the place.
The first month was a nightmare because we were juggling the amount of work we were doing while both trying to hold down part time jobs, her as a waitress while I was writing on commission as a researcher. All of this while trying to keep a healthy relationship.
I cried countless nights and unfortunately, our relationship became a bit of a routine whereby we would have to pre-plan our talking hours when we were both free. The arguments were endless but every two weeks, she would travel up to me and our relationship would be renewed.
For the two days we would have together out of every fourteen, the apartment was our own, something we called ours. I would have done anything to have changed those two days to every day. Throughout those short visits she would make, in order to come and see me, we forgot about the world outside and we ignored our struggles living life in two different cities.
We were truly in the moment and nothing mattered but the love between us and the life that existed within us that remained dormant when we were apart. Just like when we first met, the playful romance and touchy intimacy were ever most
present. There was no separating us. We had to make do with the time we did have instead of dwelling on the time that we didn’t have.
Still, we both agreed that we needed an end goal to all of this. Something to work towards that would keep us stimulated and motivated. Therefore, we decided that when we were both done with our education, in eight months time from the initial conversation, we would move in together. The chain that she worked with agreed to place her near where I lived. This would be temporary while she job-searched while I would try to get a full time position at the organisation.
And so, a plan was in place and that was what we had at the forefront of our minds throughout that difficult year. It was everything to us and we would often talk about what our lives would be like. It was all I was looking forward to.
The hardest aspect of living so far apart was the lack of her company. Seeing the one you love in photographs is vastly different to being able to have them in your physical presence. I missed her so much that it hurt. I wanted her scent, her lips, her touch, our cuddles…everything. The nights were the worst. I couldn’t sleep without her. Sometimes I would wish to wake up beside her by some sort of miracle. Or alternatively, I wished that I’d leave my house in the morning and she would be there waiting with open arms.
Looking back, I ask myself every day if it’s possible for anyone to love somebody the way I loved Georgia. No love has existed so passionately. I had her voice when we were on call, but it wasn’t the same. The weekends we would spend together were a glimpse of heaven but when I had to drop her off at the station again, solitude and darkness would wrap itself around me as I came home to an empty house.
Our lives were miserable but the love we had kept us going. They gave us hope and the prospect of sharing one life together was all I could ever wish for.
The long and bitter winter months faded away with strife, refusing to leave without an impact on our hearts and minds. But they passed nonetheless and the new year arrived.
April was the most memorable of months because that was the beginning of the end. I just didn’t know it back then. It came when Georgia called me at four o’clock on a Wednesday morning.
I missed her first call but she called back and I answered, “baby?”
Georgia was panting, “I can’t sleep.”
“What’s wrong, what’s going on?” I asked panicking as I sat up and turned on the bedside lamp on the side table next to my bed.
“I’m scared. I have the worst tormenting ache in my stomach.” She said.
“Are you on your period yet baby? It could be cramps.” I said, trying to be reassuring.
“It’s different to that sort of pain though. I’ve never had it this bad and I’m not due for another two weeks.” She answered.
I advised her to go to the doctor’s later in the day and she did.
Needless to say, I couldn’t concentrate on anything but her that day. I wanted nothing more than to travel to her and be with her during such a crumby time. There is nothing more grave or tragic in human existence than when you have no possibility of being with an ill partner. I had a vital meeting and a deadline the next day. Looking back, I was a complete fool to not have gone.
I waited all day.
I was concerned and gave myself an anxiety attack just worrying over and over again. I have a tendency of over-thinking and only the worst came to mind every time I allowed myself to overindulge on negative thoughts.
Eventually, I received a text from her telling me to call her. I did but there was something very off about her.
“What happened today? What did the doctor say?” I asked frantically.
“He told me that I have to go do an MRI scan.” She said.
She didn’t say much else and we tried conversing as normal. I felt as if she wasn’t telling me something and I was very perturbed. She reassured me though and even through the uncertain medical affairs, she told me she loved me every single day and we tried to carry on as normal. We had a saying: “I’ll always love you, forever and always.”
We made a promise to hold each other forever through thick and thin and it was evident that neither of us were willing to give that up.
My worries only increased however. I expected everything to be fine with sheer naivety and ignorance but in life, mere wishful thinking only bears disappointment and heartache if and when things go wrong.
The times she came around during April, May and June, I noticed that Georgia was changing. She was a lot thinner, her skin was paler and she had lost her enthusiasm due to physical weakness. I looked after her though and fed her.
One weekend, things could not have gone more atrociously. I asked her why she was so meek and feeble. She blamed it on stress but I was suspecting that she wasn’t eating right or taking care of herself. We argued but I gave up the subject after a while. How can you not be worried sick when your partner is visibly ill but denies everything?
When the time came, Georgia successfully completed her degree and all was in place to move in together. We did, slowly over the course of two months. The apartment was customised to suit our style and we made it our own. We didn’t get a pet because of all the responsibilities we had but things seemed to be getting better.
I know now that you must always trust your gut and intrinsic instincts. Moving in was supposed to be a dream come true and while it’s true that having my baby girl living with me was amazing, something was off.
I was troubled by Georgia’s declining mental health. She seemed distant and progressively, I had more and more thoughts that she might not love me anymore.
Just like with everything else, she batted away my concerns and tried to put my mind at rest. She apparently did still love me, so what was wrong? I told myself to not dismay because she was having a hard time finding employment.
The job-searching was not going well for her. She told me that she kept getting rejected applications but supportively, I believed in her and pushed her to keep trying.
One day, when she went to an interview, she left her laptop open on our bed. I was so worried about her situation that I just took one look. Georgia’s browser was open on her emails. There was one which was flagged as urgent from the day before. It was then that I realised that my own girlfriend had lied to me.
She was not at an interview that day but had a serious appointment at a nearby clinic which she was referred to a month ago. She hadn’t even informed me about either pieces of information. I was enraged and torn between two emotions: fear and anger.
The minute she came back, the latter got the best of me.
I went straight in with it and did not hold back, “you didn’t have an interview today, where did you go?” I inquired.
“What are you talking about?” She asked.
“I saw your laptop, you had an appointment at some West Broughton Clinic?” I insisted.
She didn’t say anything, but rather just ran upstairs crying. I chased after her as she fell onto the bed weeping. I held her shoulders, “Please…please look at me! Babe, it’s me… You always said that you could tell me anything. How can you expect me not to worry when clearly, something isn’t right with you lately? I love you, for goodness sake.” I started crying as I grabbed her in my arms and held her so tight.
“I freaking love you!” I repeated while crying hysterically.
Georgia turned to me, still curled up and face in her hair.
“Baby, please look at me.” I asked moving the hair out of her eyes.
“You need to tell me what’s going on. You haven’t been honest with me in months and I am worried sick.” I said.
Georgia scuffled herself up and sat cross-legged on the pillow. “I…I have ovarian cancer. I was diagnosed last month and today I had my first session at the West Broughton Clinic.”
No words have ever devastated me more than those knife-like atrocities that came from the love of my life’s mouth at that moment. My heart sank and I felt my arms collapse. I lost all strength and was numb as
I said with a shaky almost inaudible voice, “why…why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to scare you and you know how badly I’ve wanted to move in together.” She said.
I was all over the place and didn’t know whether to laugh in an anxious fit or to cry and break down. I did neither and monotonously went into a slide of questions, “so is it treatable? I mean, what’s the course of action? What’s the plan? What’s going to happen?”
She got up and sat on the floor in front of me as I was on the edge of the bed. She looked intently into my eyes like she did on that hilltop all those months ago. She hadn’t done this in a long time and so I was mesmerised but nervous.
“Baby…” she couldn’t finish her sentence without the tears welling up. She shook her head as she uttered, “baby, it’s too late. The cancer has spread and…well… I don’t have much time.”
Forever and Always Page 6
