Now, thinking about the fact that she’d been through so much – combined with that scorching, intense lust I felt – made me feel powerless and weak. I wished there was something, anything that I could have done to help, but what the fuck would that have been? It wasn’t like I could call her up and ask her out: to her, I’d always be Danny Andrews, annoying twerp friend of Steven.
Still, I had to try. I cleared my throat.
“So,” I said. “About Lyssa, I was wondering if—”
“Oh, there’s Meredith,” Steven said, and I clamped my mouth shut as disappointment swelled inside of my chest. My best friend glanced across the bar and watched as Meredith, Steven’s slender, blonde fiancée, picked her way through the chairs and patrons. She tossed her hair as she joined our table and gave me a curt smile.
“Hello,” Meredith greeted us. She leaned in and kissed Steven on the cheek, then squealed. “Baby,” she whined. “Have you been smoking again? You know how much I hate that,” she added in a childish voice. “It’s so nasty!”
Steven sighed. “No,” he said. “One of my clients had a cigar earlier – celebrating,” he continued.
“Well, I hate it,” Meredith said. I felt a wave of dislike rise inside of me, but I pushed it back down. Meredith had always been like this – always smiling on the outside, but talking shit and complaining about anything. Steven had to have noticed – they’d been together for almost a year and a half – but even if he didn’t, what the fuck could I do about it? Bro code dictated that you were always nice to your buddy’s girl.
I was always polite to Meredith – but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that there was more than one thing wrong with that phony smile of hers.
“So, Danny,” Meredith said, already sounding bored as she turned to me. “How’s your job going? We haven’t seen you in forever – and you really need to get fitted for your tux soon!” She let out a high-pitched squeal. “If I don’t have your measurements, I won’t be able to let you pick which one of my friends you walk down the aisle with!”
I raised an eyebrow at Steven. “Sounds like a decision best left to you,” I replied.
Meredith pouted. “My friends are like, totally hot,” she said. “And dying to meet you – you’re a doctor, which makes you a real catch in New York. Although, you should have gone into cosmetic surgery, right? Like, that’s way more fun.”
“I’ll make a note of that the next time I enroll in med school,” I replied drily. Steven snorted but my sarcasm went right over Meredith’s head, and she began talking a blue streak about the wedding.
I sighed, sensing that I was in for a long evening about appropriate colors and dress length and shoes. As much as I wanted to believe charitable things about Meredith, it was impossible. I knew that wedding planning was stressful, especially for women, but I had the feeling that after the wedding, she’d just find the next thing to obsess over and dwell on. Not to mention that once, privately, Steven had drunkenly told me that the wedding with Meredith was about bleeding him dry.
“Danny, you’re not listening,” Meredith cried. She jabbed me in the arm, then pointed down at her phone. “I think you should be paired off with my friend Lisa, but what do you think?” Without waiting for my reply, she continued: “Lisa used to be really fat, but she lost a lot of weight, so she should like, totally match you, right? Not that you used to be fat or anything,” Meredith rambled on. “But you’re like, the same level of hotness,” she finished.
My head was starting to ache even though I’d only had one beer and I got to my feet.
“I’m gonna call it a night,” I said. “I have a wicked early morning next Monday– another conference that I need to start prepping for.”
“That’s like, over a week from now,” Meredith replied. But if she was sad that I was leaving the bar, she didn’t look it – if anything, she looked cheered at the prospect of being alone with Steven.
Maybe there’s nothing really wrong with her, I thought skeptically. Maybe she’s just possessive of Steven’s time and she feels like I’m always intruding.
Steven nodded. “Yeah, I get that,” he said. He didn’t look thrilled at the prospect of being left alone with his fiancée, and he was frowning deeply as I gathered my stuff and nodded goodbye to Meredith.
Outside, the warmth of the day had faded and there was a chill in the air. My mind was crowded with thoughts of Lyssa and Steven and the whole mess of a wedding that Meredith was planning. Was it my duty as a best friend to say something to Steven about his intended?
Or was that breaking bro code?
And furthermore, bro code also meant not wanting to screw your best friend’s sister. If Steven was furious with me for saying something about Meredith, just how much angrier would he be to discover that I still harbored an intense lust for his older sister?
Fuck.
What a mess.
3
Lyssa – Wednesday
“Mommy’s home!”
I heard the sound of the front door opening and closing, then a burst of footsteps. Seconds later, my best friend Anna appeared in the doorway. Her little girl, Trina, who had been sitting peacefully on the floor just thirty seconds before, was now running around the room like she’d downed six espressos.
“She was calm,” I said, chuckling. “I swear.”
Anna nodded. “I know,” she said. “She always gets like this at night – we call it our ‘evening crazies’, don’t we?”
“Yes!” Trina screamed. She launched herself at Anna and wrapped her arms around her mother’s legs. “I’m happy you’re back,” she said sweetly.
“And I’m happy that I’m home, and that you’re using your indoor voice,” she said. “Ready for bed?”
Trina pouted but after a few seconds of protest, she yawned widely.
“I am a little sleepy,” she admitted.
“Me, too,” Anna groaned. “But Mommy doesn’t get to go to bed for a long time – Aunt Lyssa is here, and we’re going to have a visit.”
I eyed her, feeling a curious blend of sympathy and envy.
“Why don’t you chill out here for a few minutes,” I suggested. “I can put Trina to bed.”
“Gosh, would you? You don’t mind?” Anna asked. She was already sinking back down on the couch and she groaned as she pulled her heels off and threw them to the floor.
“Not at all,” I said honestly. “I love spending time with Trina.”
Trina led me down the hallway into her bedroom, where we changed her into Princess Jasmine pajamas and brushed her hair.
“Would you like a story?” I asked as I pulled down the covers of her bed.
Trina shook her head. “No, thank you,” she said, with a surprising amount of seriousness for a four-year-old. “I’m fine.”
She was so sweet, so smart, so perfect, that just looking at her nearly made my heart explode. I couldn’t imagine how Anna actually got anything done with such a cute little human around all the time. And if I felt so attached to my best friend’s baby, how much more attached would I feel to my own? Spending time with Anna and Trina was wonderful, but it always left me feeling so sad and alone when I went back to my own apartment. For years, ever since I’d been a little girl myself, I’d wanted a baby. I’d looked at the curve of my belly with longing as I wondered what it would be like to grow a small person inside of me. How it would feel to nurture a child into existence. How the immense love and bond between a mother and a child would change my life.
And now, as a thirty-seven-year-old divorcée, I was feeling bleak about the future.
“Auntie Lyssa,” Trina said sleepily. “Can I have a hug?”
I leaned down and hugged her, then kissed her forehead and breathed in the sweet, baby-smell that always lingered in Trina’s hair. After one more kiss, I waved goodnight and stood in the doorway as the twinkling rainbow rays from her nightlight filled the room. Tears actually came to my eyes and I blinked them back.
Was I pre-menopausal, or just
more emotional than usual?
I wiped my eyes on the backs of my hands, then went into the living room where Anna hadn’t budged from the couch. She yawned and rubbed her face, then got to her feet and went into the kitchen. When she came back, she was holding a bottle of red wine and two long-stemmed glasses.
“I figured we could use a little juice,” Anna said, smirking at me as she poured the wine. “Cheers.”
“Cheers,” I echoed. We clinked glasses and drank, then I settled down on the couch and curled my legs under me.
“Trina is getting so big,” I mused.
“I know,” Anna cried. “It feels like just yesterday that she was born.” When she saw the look on my face, she flushed. “I’m so lucky to have you as my best friend,” she said. “When I had her, I thought my social life would dry up forever.”
I pressed my lips together and nodded. Searing envy filled me, and I took another long swallow of wine.
“I really feel my clock ticking,” I admitted. “You know, I actually teared up when I put Trina down for the night?”
“That happens to me all the time,” Anna said. “Usually because she’s being such a brat that I can’t wait to relax for the night.”
I bit my lip.
“I’m kidding!” Anna said. She cleared her throat. “I mean, I love being a mother ... but it’s like, more than a full-time job. And of course, it’s worth it. But it’s hard,” she continued. “Being our age, being alone.”
“I would still do it,” I countered.
“I know, I know,” Anna said. “But it’s hard, Lyss. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded. “Of course, I do,” I said. Thinking about being pregnant, about having a baby, made the memory of my ex start to flash to the front of my mind and I pushed him away.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing,” I said. Anna raised an eyebrow and I blushed. After a beat, I added: “It’s just ... I guess baby talk makes me think about Curt. And ... about how I’m glad I didn’t have a baby with him, but how I didn’t want to give up the right to have a child, either.”
Anna’s face grew concerned. She took a sip of wine and set her glass down on the coffee table before shifting into a more comfortable position.
“Yeah,” she said slowly. “Well, it makes sense. He was such a jerk to you.”
I nodded.
“He was the only guy I was ever with,” I said. “And when things started to get bad, like really bad, I guess I figured that I had been with him for so long that it was just a bad spell, like it would get better.”
Anna shifted on the couch. “Yeah,” she said slowly. “You’re young, though. It’s not like you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.”
I pressed my lips together. Even though Anna was my best friend, I had been starved for intimacy for so many years before meeting her that I still wasn’t comfortable talking much about my feelings. It felt self-indulgent – at least, that was what Curt had always snapped at me – and uncomfortable.
“It’s not that I want to be alone,” I admitted. “It’s just ... I’m getting older, Anna. And look at me,” I added as I gestured to my round, curvy body. “I’m not exactly a Playboy model.”
“No one wants that,” Anna said. When she saw my skeptical look, she snorted. “At least, no one with a brain who you’d actually be into.”
“And what am I supposed to say,” I mused. “Hi, I think you’re cute but like, I’m almost forty and I’m dying for a baby, so let’s have one immediately?”
Anna snorted.
“Guys would think I was totally crazy,” I told her. “They’d run away screaming. They’d like, watch me like a hawk to make sure I wasn’t poking holes in the condoms.”
Anna burst out laughing and after a second, I joined her. Sometimes, I really did feel crazy when I thought about how desperately I wanted to have a baby, like a cartoonish parody of the real Lyssa Holm. On the outside, I thought I managed to keep it together most of the time.
But on the inside, there was a madwoman who wanted a child of her very own and would stop at nothing to get it.
“I just don’t see it happening,” I admitted after a long pause. “Which ... is fine, you know. I have you and Trina.”
“And believe me, you do,” Anna said. She smiled at me and clinked her glass against mine.
“So, there’s that,” I replied. Almost as good, I told myself.
But no matter how much I loved Trina, I knew that we’d never share that mother-child bond I so longed for.
“What about going to like ... a sperm bank?” Anna suggested.
I blushed hotly. “That’s so weird,” I said. “The idea of having a child with someone who I don’t even know – what if they suddenly decide they want parental rights after I’ve had the baby? What if it’s like, some rich guy making bank and the court would take the baby from me? I couldn’t handle that,” I finished. “It would break my heart. It would kill me.”
Anna frowned. “What about a fertility doctor?”
“Aren’t those so expensive?” I countered. “Like, I could never afford that kind of thing on my own. Not with my apartment. And I’m still paying off my divorce attorney – I’ll probably owe her money for the rest of my life.”
Anna looked away.
“Lyssa, don’t kill me for this,” she said slowly. “But time is running out, you know? Not like, immediately. But if you really want a child, you’re going to have to do something.” She got to her feet. “I’m going to check on Trina. I’ll be right back.”
I nodded and pulled out my phone. I knew it was dumb, knew it was something I’d never be able to afford, but I did a quick Google search for fertility doctors in the area.
Pressing my lips together, I held my breath as I scrolled through the reviews. A lot of them were written in Mandarin or Korean, but I kept scrolling until I got to one doctor’s page who had a five-star rating.
And his office was close to mine.
My heart began to beat faster. You don’t even know that you can have a baby, an inner voice told me. You might not even be able to get pregnant in the first place!
But, another voice began. That’s why you would go to the doctor – just the tests themselves couldn’t be very expensive?
Could they?
My fingers hovered over the keys. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, just inches away from tumbling over.
It wasn’t scary, though. It was almost comforting, like falling asleep.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I tapped the ‘Schedule Your Free Consult!’ button on the page and filled out in my information. Doing so felt taboo and scary, like signing up for online dating, but I submitted my information and held my breath.
Anna came back and settled down next to me, reaching for her glass.
“She’s been having nightmares about this neighbor’s dog we saw the other day,” Anna explained. “I just wanted to make sure she was still asleep.”
I nodded slowly.
“I just booked a consult for myself, at this fertility doctor,” I said. As I talked, I kept my gaze locked on the screen of my phone. It was foolish – it was almost eight-thirty at night, there was no way the office would get back to me so soon – but I found myself hoping the phone would buzz and ring.
“That’s so great, Lyssa,” Anna said. She smiled warmly at me. “You want me to come with you?”
I shook my head.
Anna giggled. “Might give them the wrong impression, anyway,” she said. She raised an eyebrow at me. “Now, we just need to get you a man.”
“That’s going to be the hard part,” I told her. “I’m just going to the doctor so they can tell me whether or not I’m actually fertile.”
“You’ll be fine,” Anna said. She sounded so comfortable, so sure of herself in that moment, that I couldn’t help but trust my best friend and her wisdom.
I just hoped that she was right.
4
Dan – Mon
day
“Good afternoon, Dr. Andrews,” Alice called out when I went into the office that afternoon. “How was it?”
“Not great,” I admitted. “A lot of stuff about robotics and conception.”
Alice flushed. “Sounds fun,” she teased. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” I said.
“Good, because you have a busy day,” Alice said. She began reading off my list of appointments for that day and I realized that I wouldn’t have time to do anything other than grab a quick sandwich from the downstairs deli for lunch.
“Wow,” I told her when she’d finished. “Has business been picking up?”
Alice shrugged. “Oh, and one more – I forgot,” she said. “Someone scheduled an appointment for an initial consult this afternoon, can you see her?”
I nodded, barely paying attention.
“Good,” Alice said. She handed me a clipboard with the new patient’s information and I carried it into my office and sat down at my desk.
When I saw the name that Alice had scrawled, my jaw dropped.
Ms. Lyssa Holm, Alice’s penmanship read.
“What the fuck,” I muttered under my breath. “It can’t be her.”
But the age was right – the birthdate that Lyssa had provided would have put her at thirty-seven – at the address was a Brooklyn one.
My heart pounded in my chest and my mind began to spin and race. Before I knew it, I was thirteen years old again, horny, and completely in love with Lyssa Holm.
“Hey, loser!” Steven yelled. “Think fast!” He threw a Nerf football at my head and I dove under the cool, blue water of his parents’ swimming pool to avoid it. When I came up, Steven was splashing and screeching at the other end of the pool. I hauled myself out of the water and chased after him, yelling and laughing riotously.
Baby for Brother’s Best Friend: Brother’s Best Friend Book 1 Page 3
