by Colbie Kay
Standing in the middle of the room with everyone staring at me in awe and disbelief begins to make me feel uncomfortable. I’m beginning to think this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it was too soon or the wrong approach to simply show up? I feel like I’m being torn in different directions with my emotions, my expectations about returning, and the vacant emptiness I feel now that I’m here.
Tyler sits on the couch with his wife next to him. “I guess I’ll ask the questions everyone wants answers to. Where have you been, and what happened to you?”
Jenson comes to my side. “Just relax,” he whispers for only me to hear. “Why don’t you let her settle in a little before bombarding her with your interrogating bullshit?” My head snaps to Jenson.
“What are you even doing here?” Tyler’s eyes cut to Jenson’s. “What is it you go by now? Bam Bam?”
My bewildered gaze travels between the two of them. “Why are you guys fighting? You’re best friends.”
Jenson replies as tension I’ve never seen flows off of him in waves, “Not anymore we aren’t.” His eyes cut to Tyler. “Haven’t been for a long time.”
“Both of you, stop it,” My mom demands. “Rowan is here and that’s all that matters. We need to listen to her, and you need to put your differences away for the time being.”
I speak up, hoping I can satisfy them just a fraction. “I’m not ready to talk about what happened to me, but I will tell you about that night.”
“We need to call the police and inform them she’s home…if it really is her,” Tyler states.
Shaking my head, my eyes grow wide, and I suddenly can’t breathe. I swallow hard, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat enough to speak. “No, please, no!”
“Afraid we’ll find out you’re not really Rowan?” My brother sneers.
“It’s her!” Jenson yells.
“Please, no. Not yet.” They can’t call the police.
“Calm down, Ro,” Jenson speaks in a low voice only I can hear.
It’s my mother who is the voice of reason, “We won’t. Not yet.”
“Mom!” Tyler snaps.
“I can’t,” I stammer.
My dad reassures me, “It’s okay, honey, tell us what you can, and we’ll hold off on the police for now.”
Standing in the middle of the living room, my mind goes back ten years. I’m still terrified, but I relay what I can, “That night, after the basketball game, I was heading home, but I had a flat tire, so I pulled over to the side of the road. I began changing it like Dad taught me, but someone came and tried to help. He said I could sit in his car because it was so cold. I trusted him and thought I was safe. Instead of changing the tire he came back to the car. I tried to get out, I tried to fight, but he slammed my head into the dashboard, and I blacked out. I remember waking up, being grabbed and thrown into a van. I was so scared that I cried and begged whoever it was to let me go, but they didn’t, and someone put a towel or something over my mouth, then my eyes started closing. The next thing I remember is waking up on a cot locked in a cell with two other girls. There were at least ten cells and so many girls down there. Most of them were replaced during the ten years I was there, but I was one of three that were held there the longest. The only outside we saw was from our little windows that had bars on them, and that’s how I managed to get free. For months I worked those bars loose until finally, I could pull them out, and then me and Belle ran. I had to leave her behind.”
My widened gaze snaps to Jenson. “Belle! We have to find her!” Tears brim my eyes as I remember leaving her alone in the woods. “It was somewhere in Colorado. Jenson, we have to get her!”
“Calm down.” His hands rub up and down my arms. “I’ll do what I can to find something out.” Even though he was acting cold toward me earlier, I’m relieved he’s here to comfort me. I don’t think I could do this without him, especially with all their eyes on me…Tyler silently judging me. He’s taking in every word I say, watching my body language as if he’s going to find something deceitful.
Tyler stands from his place on the couch with his fists clenched at his sides. “This is a police matter. Keep yourself and your club out of it,” he snarls.
“The fuck I will.” Jenson steps closer. “Rowan found me, and she’s asking for my help, not yours.” Jenson’s stance mimics my brother’s, the veins in his arms pop from tension. “Keep living your pretty little fucking life while me and my club handle the dirty shit.” What happened between these two? It’s like they hate each other.
Tyler stomps closer to Jenson. Neither of them is backing down, and if something doesn’t happen, they’re going to get physical.
My dad interjects, “Jenson, I think it’s time for you to go.”
“No!” I shout. “I want him here.”
Jenson backs away from Tyler and comes to stand in front of me. “You’re going to be okay. Remember, you’re free and you’re safe. If you need me, you know where to find me.” He leans in to kiss my forehead.
“I’m safe with you,” I whimper.
“Spend time with your family. You’ll adjust.” Jenson closes his eyes and grimaces as if it is causing him physical pain to leave me. I watch him walk away, and a dreadful sense of emptiness sits heavy on my heart.
“If you were in Colorado, how did you find your way back here?” Tyler continues asking questions.
“I ran through miles of woods until I came to a road and flagged down a truck. He was a nice older man and gave me a ride to the outskirts of town. I slept for most of the ride so I don’t remember much, but when he dropped me off, I ran from there, and that’s when Jenson found me. I was climbing the fence of his club.”
His eyes travel over me. “You look pretty beaten up. Who stitched you up?”
My eyes narrow on Tyler, glaring at him. “I had to run through freezing snow with no shoes, no coat, and a flimsy torn up dress. Almost every part of my body was hit, scratched, ripped open from tree branches as I was trying to escape. It doesn’t matter who stitched me up. All that matters is they took care of me. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here.”
“No!” My mom rushes to my side. “Your brother tends to forget when he’s not on duty.” She glares at Tyler. “That’s enough! Your sister needs to rest, and she needs to eat.”
Peering at Tyler, I ask, “What do you mean on duty?”
Tyler proudly puffs out his chest. “I’m a detective.”
A lump forms in my throat, and I try to swallow it down without succeeding. “You’re a cop?” My mind begins to swirl with dizziness.
“Come, sit and eat.” My mom helps me to the dining room table. I stay quiet while she places a plate of food in front of me, and I zone out while everyone around me is laughing and enjoying their meal. I feel Tyler’s gaze on me every so often, but I try to ignore it.
Picking up my fork, I eat as much as I can, but I start to feel sick to my stomach. “I need to lie down.” My father jumps out of his chair to assist me. He guides me to my old room and helps me lie down on my old bed.
“I’m so happy to have my daughter home. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask. Tyler will come around.” He quietly shuts the door.
I stare at the ceiling as that empty feeling continues to invade me.
This isn’t the way it was supposed to feel. I was supposed to feel happy, this was supposed to feel like home, and I was supposed to feel safe.
This feels wrong, and this isn’t my home any longer.
Parking my ‘69 black and chrome fully restored Camaro in the garage at the compound, I grip the steering wheel and tip my head back. I didn’t want to leave Rowan there, but that’s her fuckin’ family. Even though I know she’ll be fine with their watchful eyes on her, I wished she’d come here with me. I want to protect her just like I did before she was taken, I want her in my arms to reassure me that she’s fuckin’ safe. I want this fuckin’ guilt I’ve held onto for ten years to be gone. I want to do for her what I didn’t do then. My hand clenches into a
fist, and I slam it against the steering wheel. Fuck!
Stepping out of my car, I walk out of the garage, my boots crunching in the snow as I trek to the door of the clubhouse.
Inside, it’s quiet since almost everyone is still gone for Christmas, but the few that are here are lounging around with drinks in hand. A few of the club girls are here, and normally, I’d take one into my room and bang her into oblivion, but it’s not happening.
“Hey, Bam,” Drifter greets me from behind the bar while he pours a shot of bourbon and slides it over to an empty spot.
Sitting on one of the stools, I pick up the shot glass. “Hey,” I reply and drink, letting the poison slide down my throat as I embrace the burn. “Why you still tending bar when you’re patched in now?”
He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “I like tending bar. It’s what I know, and what I’m good at.” His eyes lift to mine. “You get the girl taken care of?”
I slam the glass back on the counter and cock my brow. “Why you askin’?”
Drifter shrugs his shoulder again. “Just curious. She looked to be in bad shape last night when you brought her in. Looked better a few hours ago, but she ain’t here with you now.”
Nodding, I force myself to calm down and be less defensive. “Yeah, got her back to her family.”
“That’s good. Hope she’s alright.” He pours two shots this time and keeps one for himself.
We both tip our heads back, taking the shots. “Me too, brother.” Setting the glass down, I tap my knuckles on the wooden countertop. “Me too,” I repeat before stepping away.
Sitting on my bed, I pull the tray out from under my bed and lay it in front of me. Breaking up some of my weed, I roll up a fat ass joint, and with the lighter, I spark Mary Jane to life. With each hit I take, I will her to lead me into her foggy haze.
I walk into the kitchen, my mom is standing at the sink rinsing off dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. “Can I get something to drink?”
She shifts her eyes to me. “Sure.” She nods, her gaze sympathetic. “You don’t have to ask, Rowan. Get whatever you like.”
“Thank you.” I step around the island and reach into the cabinet for a glass. It’s been strange between me and my parents for the last few days since Christmas.
I don’t know how to be around them, and they don’t know how to be around me either. I thought it would be comfortable or familiar, but it’s not. It’s weird and different. Tyler sent his wife and kids home the day after Christmas. They live in Missouri, and I’m not sure why he stayed. It’s definitely not to reminisce or to bond with me because all he ever does is question me.
Pouring some orange juice into my glass, I put the lid back on the jug and slide it back into the refrigerator. I take a long drink as I stare at my mom. I hate this feeling of everyone walking on eggshells. “I think I’m going to go see Jenson today.” I haven’t seen nor heard from him since he brought me here. I thought maybe he would at least check in, but he hasn’t. I want to feel normal, even if it’s for a little while. He made me feel like my old self before, and I need that now. I’m beginning to feel restless in this house.
Mom starts the dishwasher and faces me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Why don’t you let me take you to the doctor so they can check your wounds?”
“I don’t need to go to the doctor. My wounds are healing fine. Why can’t I go see him?”
Tyler steps into the kitchen. “You’re not going.”
I gape at him. “Just because you guys aren’t friends anymore, doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with him. He took care of me. He was nice to me. He was happy to see me.” I slam my glass down on the counter.
Mom tries to grab my hand in hers, but I move so she can’t touch me. “We’re happy to see you. We just don’t understand why you won’t tell us what happened to you. Why you won’t talk to us. Why won’t you let us call the police?”
“Because I don’t want to talk about it. I want to move on. Why can’t you accept that?” My tone rises as anger takes root, and I ignore her question about calling the cops. “Why can’t I go see Jenson?”
Mom and Tyler share a secret look that I can’t make out. Mom responds, “Jenson is not the type of company you want to be around. He’s not a good person, Rowan.”
“Not a good person?” I scoff. “Why? Because he wears a leather vest, has tattoos, rides a motorcycle, and is part of that club? If it wasn’t for him, I would have probably died from hypothermia. I’m lucky I even made it as far as I did in the snow with no shoes.”
Mom starts, “We understand—”
Tyler cuts her off, “That gang are criminals. You will not be associated with them.”
I huff. “Oh, now you’re worried? Are you finally accepting that I’m your sister?”
“Listen, I’m sorry for saying you might not be Rowan, but it was a shock when you showed up out of nowhere.”
I nod in understanding and accept that I won’t be seeing Jenson today. They defeated me today, but I will find a way. “I’m going to watch TV.”
It’s been a week since Rowan was here at the club, and fuck all if she isn’t in my every goddamn thought. I wanna know how she’s doing, how she’s adjusting, and I want more fuckin’ information so we can find those cunts who took her. She was holding back, and someone needs to get her to talk.
“Bam Bam,” Hanger says my name, pulling me from my thoughts.
My gaze focuses on him. “Yeah, Prez?”
“The girl, tell me what you can.”
I glance at each of my brothers who are sitting around our table for church. “She’s not a fuckin’ snitch for anyone who could’ve been associated with Deuce. I’ve known her my whole fuckin’ life. She was kidnapped on the side of the road ten years ago when she was sixteen. The fuckin’ pigs could never find her, and there was no evidence or clues left behind about her disappearance. After a long time, we all assumed she was dead. Her brother was my best friend, but after she went missing, we grew apart. He went one way, I went the other. Now we’re on two sides of the law.”
Hunter cuts in, “Can she tell you anything about her kidnappers or what happened to her?”
Sighing heavily, I tell them, “She was talking the day after she showed up. She told her family a piece of the puzzle, but I think she’s holding back information. I haven’t seen her in a week, but I can go check on her and see what I can find out…if she’ll talk.”
Gunner jumps in with his assumption, “Could it be part of the sex trafficking that Snake mentioned a few months ago?”
Romeo adds, “Or that we dealt with in Arizona.”
“Could be. She said there were a lot of girls who were all locked in cells, and she mentioned they would take girls out and bring new ones in.”
Bear’s brows pull down tight. “But...they kept her for ten years? Why?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
Hanger speaks, “Let’s have a meeting with Snake and find out what he knows. Church dismissed.” He slams the gavel down on the table.
Filing out of the room, I walk into the bar, and my steps halt at the sight of Rowan standing there awkward as hell. She’s looking down at the floor, fidgeting with the bottom of her new coat. “Hey.”
Her head jerks up. “Hey.” She smiles beautifully, and her crystal eyes shine.
“C’mere.” She rushes over to me. “You okay?”
She nods, but her eyes don’t meet mine. “I’m adjusting.”
Putting my finger under her chin, I lift her gaze to meet mine. “You wanna go talk?”
She nods again.
Taking her hand in mine, I lead us to my room. After I shut the door, I turn to face her. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.” She plops down onto my bed. “I thought it would be different, but I also thought it would be the same.” She laughs lightly. “That doesn’t even make sense. For ten years, I dreamed about seeing my family again, about being home, but I continue having th
is longing.” She shakes her head. “It feels like something is missing, an empty feeling. I don’t feel like I belong there.”
Sitting beside her, I give her the best response I can, “It’s going to take time, Rowan. You’ve been gone ten years, and a lot has happened in that time.”
Wetness is pooling in her eyes as she stares at me. “That’s just it. It’s like I’m stuck because I stupidly thought everyone would be the same, but they aren’t. Everyone moved on without me, and now, I’m living in this world where I don’t fit. It’s like they’re walking on eggshells around me, and I’m scared to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. It’s not my home anymore. They want to keep me in this bubble, and Tyler constantly questions me every chance he gets. I don’t even know why he’s still there, but I will say he treats me like I’m a case instead of his long lost sister.” Tears fall down her cheeks.
Blowing out a deep breath, I reach up and gently wipe her face. Her eyes close at my touch. “I want to make it better for you, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to help you, Rowan.”
Her eyes slowly open. “They watch my every move.”
I chuckle. “Do you blame them? I wouldn’t let you outta my sight either.”
Her gaze searches mine. “It’s different with you though.”
“How?” The word falls from my lips.
“This is the first time in a week I haven’t felt like something was missing. I don’t feel like a disappointment around you, and I don’t feel like anyone is judging me or waiting for something to happen. I know they want me to talk to them, but I can’t. You make me feel normal, and I don’t care if Tyler says you’re a criminal. They wouldn’t even let me come see you. I had to sneak out of the house like I’m a teenager again. I only wanted to see you.”
“Rowan—” I interrupt her, but she quickly cuts me off.
“I felt something with you the night I stayed here too. It’s you, Jenson, I need you. I felt it when we were kids, I felt it when we teenagers, and I feel it now.”
Coming to my senses, I jump off the bed and run my hand through my hair. Oh, fuckin’ Christ, I feel it too, but it’s just because I’m the one that saved her. We have history but neither of us is the same person we were. I want to be the person to protect her, to make my guilt to vanish, but she doesn’t know the shit I’ve done. She deserves someone to love her who is a hell of a lot better than the man I am. “I’m not Jenson anymore, Rowan. I’m Bam Bam. I’m not a good guy. I’m an outlaw, a criminal. Tyler was right. I want to protect you and make up for letting you down ten years ago, but that’s all I can give you.”
