by Rob Reger
In any case, here’s what they’ve had to say:
Let us out! (constantly, by all of them)
Now! Now! Now! (constantly, by all of them)
Where is my catnip? (several times, by Miles)
Why are there two of you? (many times, by all)
I dislike there being two of you. (mostly Mystery)
I will punish you for this. (Mystery)
Mystery has defiled the closet. (Sabbath—that tattletale)
Let us do as Mystery has done. (Sabbath, NeeChee, and Miles)
What is that shiny thing on the other side of the room? (Sabbath)
Don’t touch me. (every time I tried to pet one of them)
Put me down. (every time one was picked up)
You will pay for this in your own blood. (see above)
&*%^$&#$%&$ (frequently—man, who knew cats had such filthy mouths?)
Am feeling proud of us for completing the translator but annoyed at the cats for not being more pleased that there are two of me. They will just have to get used to it!!!!!!
Later—just before daybreak
Mom was reading the paper at breakfast when she suddenly started cackling. “Hey, E,” she said, “your, uh, friend Raven made the Silifordville paper!” We had a good hahaha together over the headlines (“Local Birdbrain Wows Scientists, Suitors”) and the photos (Raven demonstrating feats of strength and communication with birds; Raven posing with the ladies of the Silifordville Science Club; Raven fending off suitors with judo).
But since then I have been sitting here feeling very displeased about Raven being exploited by the ladies of the Silifordville Science Club. Had thought that they were going to shelter her from the world a little better than this.
Told OtherMe about the episode and suggested we bust Raven out and bring her back home, but OtherMe brought me to my senses.
OTHERME: What are you, dull? Remember that little incident with the ax?
ME: Well, yeah, but it’s not like she’ll do THAT again.
OM: C’mon. You don’t HEAR yourself talking in your sleep, man.
ME: Really, it’s that bad?
OM: For serious. You’re all like, “Mrble mrble oh no the nefarious arms of Gregor the Tickling RoboCockroach are slaughtering me mrble mrble mrble.”
ME: Ahahhahahhhahah! Well, that doesn’t sound too dangerous.
OM: And then you’re all like “DESTROY THE ODDISEE!” and then you’re all like “CUT MY HEAD OFF WITH AN AX, RAVEN!”
ME: OK, that DOES sound serious.
OM: “MRBLE MRBLE RAVEN, YOU MUST KILL MYSTERY AND PATTI!”
ME: [Shocked.] OK! I get the picture.
Vardtrax!!!!! Did not realize I had so much ANY subconscious hostility toward Mom and Mystery. Am grateful that OtherMe is looking out for us. Will not raise the subject of Raven again!
Later
In hindsight, it might not have been super tactful of me to bring up the whole losing-her-guitar-skills thing to OtherMe. All I said was, “Hey, OtherMe, was that a new musical genre you were inventing earlier, or do you just suck at guitar now?” She got steamed, made some cutting remarks about my performance on the skateboard, and left in a huff. Looks like she’s going to sleep in the treehouse.
Not used to sleeping alone anymore. Sure wish OtherMe would come back inside. I feel kind of…lonely, I guess that’s what that feeling is. Not an emotion I have felt too many times in my life.
June 13
Master Pranks threatened, 1; mothers and identical twins cooperating with me, 0
Mom is being difficult tonight. She wants me to go with her on our annual fun family outing to Black Basin Canyon tomorrow, which ordinarily I would love to do, but right now OtherMe and I have a Master Prank to pull off. Have not yet come up with a convincing story to get us out of it.
Later
Unbelievable!! OtherMe has broken my promise to Mom. Here’s what happened: I had told OtherMe that we needed a story for Mom to get me out of going to Black Basin with her, and OtherMe was all like, “I’ll handle this,” and ran downstairs. Naturally I eavesdropped on their conversation—I didn’t bug all the rooms in this house for nothing! Here’s how it went:
OTHERME: Dude, Patti, we gotta reschedule that family outing.
MOM: But tomorrow’s the new moon, and you know that’s the best night of the month to go.
OM: Well, it’s kind of important. The other Emily and I have to be here to pull off the final step in this huge elaborate prank we’ve been cooking up for the last few days. If we don’t, well, you can imagine what it’ll do to our self-esteem.
M: [Sounding weird.] The…other…Emily? Is that what I heard you say?
OM: [Annoyed.] Come ON, Patti. You know what’s going on and it’s time you faced up to it.
M: [Sounding unstable.] So, you’re asking me to accept that you…“duplicated”…yourself during an experiment?
OM: That’s exactly what happened. Is that so hard to understand?
M: [Getting slightly hysterical.] I thought YOU understood…that I don’t WANT to understand! I thought we had an agreement! YOU PROMISED!
OM: Get over it, Patti! There’s two of me now! You have TWO…IDENTICAL…DAUGHTERS!!!!!!!
M: [Crying. Running to her room.]
Am extremely peeved with OtherMe! She is responsible for my first fight with Mom! (Wait…is it even MY first fight with Mom? Very confusing.) AND she broke our (my?) promise. Am going to confront her as soon as she gets back up here.
Later
Am hiding out in the treehouse. Have had my first fight with OtherMe. Ugh! Here’s how it went:
ME: DUDE! You broke our promise to Mom!
OTHERME: Hey, I’m not the one who made that stupid promise.
ME: But…
OM: That’s right. Make all the lame promises you want. Makes no difference to me.
ME: But…
OM: Look, Patti needs to get tough with herself and face the truth, that’s all.
ME: Stop calling her Patti.
OM: [Snorting.] You do, all the time.
ME: Only to her face.
OM: Man, how’d you get to be such a baby? Whining, complaining, picking your nose, tiptoeing around Patti…
ME: And how’d YOU get so evil? Breaking promises? Tormenting Mom’s mind?
OM: Get over it. We’ve got work to do. I need you to help me finish the editing on the Manifesto and move all the projectors into the central auditorium.
GRRR!!!
Am feeling very let down by this whole self-duplication thing. Am actually wishing it had never happened at all.
Also, did not really realize it until now, but there HAS been a drastic increase in the time my finger spends up my nose. Very strange. Do not like the fact that OtherMe has noticed. Will try to control myself.
Later
OtherMe and I pushed our drama aside for the moment and went to finish our work at Town Hall. I let her handle the editing—I didn’t feel like being in that small room with her tonight—while I went from one conference room to another, collecting the modified A/V equipment and plugging it into the central unit in the main auditorium. I didn’t even bother to use the heating ducts like we’d started off doing. It suddenly seemed much less exciting and spylike, and much more cramped and dusty.
Am not feeling happy about recent developments. I’m not sure how it happened, but it seems like we are already growing into two separate people, and I don’t really know how much I can trust the person she is growing into.
Although, come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve EVER been able to trust her. Didn’t she try to kill me on our very first night together? Sure, she SAID she was only sleepwalking…Do I have ANY good reason to believe her?
Should I be worried about my safety, for real?
Grakking vertfarks, this isn’t how I wanted things to play out.
Later
Have tried my best to persuade a cat to come console me. No dice. Have had to make do with cat-cam photos. T
hey’re a sorry substitute.
OK. Being here at home, knowing the cats have found themselves a new snuggle-buddy instead of having fun-times with me, is a bit much for me right now. Am feeling flashes of jealousy. Very unusual emotion for me. Not pleased!!!!!!!
Am heading underground.
Later
Am feeling somewhat better after a little Q.T. spent on sewer mural. Am glad in a small, vindictive way that I never told OtherMe about this place.
Binary Larry was there, as usual. I had brushed up on my binary-to-English skills and started to translate his coding (see notes), but stopped after about 13 letters when he realized what I was doing and got embarrassed. Funneeee!
Also, he brought me flowers! AHahhahhahaAHHhahhahhaAHhaha!
Have put them in a tin can, just to be polite.
June 14
Master Pranks successfully completed, 1; disastrous family outings, 1
TERRIBLE day.
It started when Patti came up to the bedroom at sundown and woke me up. “OK, it totally makes my mind hurt, but I decided that I’m not going to run away from the facts,” she said. “So where is she, my other daughter, if that’s what she really is?”
Good point. “Uh…I don’t know where she slept last night, Patti. We kind of had this fight…Maybe the closet?”
She wasn’t in the closet, or anywhere else in the room, so Patti and I split up and searched the house for her. Actually, I spent most of that time trying to find my journal, which it turned out I had left in the basement yesterday, and by the time I found it, OtherMe AnnoyingMe had turned up, and she and Patti were sitting on the couch chatting. Patti did not look mentally well at the sight of two of us, but she has agreed to deal with it if we Emilies go along on her “fun” family trip to Black Basin tonight. At least Silifordville is even closer to Black Basin than Blandindulle was, and the drive will be tolerably short.
One good thing is that we don’t have to do this hiding-in-the-bedroom routine anymore. But I have not forgiven AnnoyingMe for our fight. Nor do I trust her as far as I could dropkick her!
—Anyway. We got some sandwiches packed and drove out of town to Black Basin Canyon. No matter what town we might be living in, Patti and I have been taking nighttime hikes there for years. Unfortunately, I could tell right away we were not going to have a good time. Instead of making up obnoxious lyrics to songs on the radio, the three of us sat in grim silence. Patti didn’t pretend to take the wrong turns, and I didn’t pretend I was late for my big cheerleading competition, or any of the other silly stuff that normally makes our road trips fun. We didn’t even bother to point out our special landmarks: the phone pole that once got hit by lightning right in front of us, Old Man Dameron’s Krazy Tarp Shack, and our favorite gnarly tree that looks like a cross between a skeleton and a rutabaga.
Finally (FINALLY) we arrived at the trailhead. Patti insisted on taking a cheesy family photo—we had to use the camera timer since there was no other hiker in sight.
Patti had brought special low-light flashlights for navigating in maximum darkness. And she really had picked the best night of the month for minimum moonlight. In some small part of me, I knew she was trying to make this hike a bonding experience for her and her bizarrely doubled daughter, and I could appreciate that. But in the rest of me, I felt…I don’t know. Kind of Mad at the World, or something, and wanting the two of them to suffer for it.
But back to the Hike.
Black Basin Canyon is probably a spooky place even at noontime, but around midnight on a night with no moon, it’s downright diabolical. The darkness is like tar. The birdcalls are like ghosts wailing for their dead lovers. The black, bubbling hot springs smell like the sulfurous pits of the underworld. Obviously, it’s been one of my favorite spots all my life.
After so many years of hiking here, I don’t even use the flashlight…I know all the rocks and all the trees, all the treacherous parts of the trail where you have to hug the cliff wall because there’s a sheer drop of hundreds of feet on one side. I know all the places where the trail seems to end, only because it’s blocked by a massive pile of boulders or trees or brush; and I know how to steer my way over or around or through every single obstacle. And as we hiked on and on, I forgot about being Mad at the World, and just enjoyed the hike.
I guess I was enjoying myself so much, it kind of slipped my mind that anyone else was with me, so I was just as surprised as Patti was when we stopped for a sandwich at our favorite lookout point, and OtherMe was gone.
Patti turned on her flashlight and swept the trail with it. No one was there.
“She’s probably right behind us,” I said.
Patti called for her as we walked back the way we had come, searching the sides of the trail with our flashlights. “I knew I should have brought at least one normal flashlight,” she complained. “This thing is useless.”
“I thought she was right with us,” I said. “She’s probably planning to jump out and scare the cheeks off us.”
Patti gave me a terrible look. We kept searching. Patti was calling, “EMILY!” I was calling, “OTHERME!” And the next thing I knew, we were back at the trailhead, and there was no OtherMe AnnoyingMe in sight.
Patti was staring around wildly. I could tell she had about seven seconds of calm left before she lost it completely.
“I’m sure she’s fine,” I said, but Patti was already calling Search and Rescue, and I knew as I said it that she wasn’t fine at all.
Top 13 thoughts running through my head as we waited at the car for Search and Rescue to arrive:
Excellent! AnnoyingMe has disappeared! Can we go home now?
Craphounds! AnnoyingMe has disappeared! I need her for our prank!
AnnoyingMe is clearly getting back at me for that argument we had last night.
If AnnoyingMe ends up needing some kind of organ or limb transplant, there is no way I’m volunteering.
If AnnoyingMe turns up dead, I am gonna request that her organs and limbs be frozen in case I need them in the future.
If helicopters have to be called in for the search, can I ride in one?
If Patti has to pay for the helicopters, is it going to be taken out of my allowance?
I wonder what Raven’s doing right now.
I wonder if I crossed a banana tree with a toadflax, would its fruit still be tasty?
Is AnnoyingMe frightened, or is she enjoying herself?
Does she need a sandwich as badly as I do?
Would it be unforgivably after-school-special if I felt the tiniest bit concerned about her? What about if I didn’t?
How am I going to punish her for this?
Search and Rescue finally arrived. I immediately nicknamed them Jock, Biff, Tip, and Winky. Insufferable crew-cut musclebound jerks. Clearly former high school football stars who were rejected by the military, police, and fire department for being sociopathic maniacs who desperately need to feel like heroes while bullying the emotionally vulnerable families of the missing.
JOCK/BIFF/TIP/WINKY: So, what brings you out to Black Basin in the middle of the night, ma’am?
PATTI: I told you, we were hiking. Do you suppose we could chat later, after you’ve found my daughter?
J/B/T/W: First things first…we need to ask a few questions to determine the best plan of attack. Now, could you explain why you thought it would be a good idea to take your daughters on a midnight hike through one of the most treacherous areas in the state?
P: Could YOU explain how that question is going to help you find her?
J/B/T/W: No need to get huffy, ma’am. We’re the experts here, not you. Now, we noticed you have a taillight out on your car…Were you aware that’s a ticketable offense?
I didn’t wait around to hear any more, just slipped away from the car and back to the trail. No one noticed me, and soon I was out of earshot. I concentrated on making my footsteps as silent as possible and focused my attention on my ears, listening as hard as I could for anything at all. Ghostly b
irdcalls…pebbles rolling down the cliff…dry leaves rattling…I closed my eyes for maximum concentration. Haunting birdcalls…grains of dirt compressing under my shoe…spider legs rubbing against one another…
Pretty soon I had reached our lookout spot.
“OtherMe!” I called, and listened.
Eerie birdcalls…drop of cricket spit hitting cricket wing…my own blood pulsing in my eardrums…
This was so stupid. That brat, that rotten annoying LAME piece of STINKY BRAT, she could ROT out here for all I cared. “EMILY!” I screamed. “Get out here, you stupid piece of…BRAT!”
Creepy birdcalls…moth wings beating against air molecules…speck of pollen falling from dried-up wildflower…tiny straining intake of breath through constricted throat of OtherMe, sprawled in tangle of brush on the steep hillside twenty feet above the trail.
That’s where she had been lying in wait for me and Patti, planning to leap down on us, shrieking like a demon, and scare the cheeks off us; at least that’s my best guess. When I found her she couldn’t move or speak. She was barely breathing. Based on my knowledge of the local fauna, I was pretty sure she’d been paralyzed by a bite from a black jackal spider, which would certainly be fatal within a few minutes if I didn’t do something to save her life.
Yep.
So what was I to do? Pretend I never found her? Sneak back to the car, knowing she would die before the Search and Rescue jerks got there? Or find the bite and suck the poison out the way Patti had taught me?
