Her father sighed. "With luck, however, particularly when his House finds that a Crown Agent had reason to investigate his actions, perhaps he will be prudent enough to make no mention of it at all, and we can let this awful night wash away into the river of our past, never to be dwelled upon again." Her father gently turned the handle of her door. “Rest, my love. As bitter a day as this has been, the morrow will be better, I promise.”
Jess forced herself to nod, even though she had buried her face in her pillows, and apparently it was enough for her father, who gently closed the door and left.
Jess allowed herself to unleash the full torrent of tears welling up within her, alone at last, numb and exhausted, her emotions in tumult as the bitter waves of sorrow washed through her and out her eyes alone, it seemed, Twilight silent save to discretely lick away all traces of those diamond tears. It felt like ages before the storm of sorrow had passed, and she could finally curl up in a ball, slipping into an exhausted sleep.
48
“Jess?” She woke instantly, though still in a half doze, feeling her familiar’s gentle paw against her shoulder.
“Yes, Twilight?” She sleepily murmured.
“You did well, Jessica, speaking with your father.” He gently butted her, rubbing his head against her palm, she taking up her long tradition of scratching him in his favorite spots and stroking his sleek fur as he gently purred, before plopping at last on his side, favoring her with his contemplative gaze. “Whatever else was said, however much he treated you like a half-mad soldier he was fond of, you managed to wheedle his consent for that which we most needed to secure.”
Jess tilted her head. “Getting permission to reclaim my mithril armor, at least in my dreams, so that when I sleep I can feel fierce and strong, even if I now feel as helpless and pathetic as a declawed kitten?”
Her familiar shuddered. “Please, Jess. No need for such a cruel analogy. The important thing is aligning our pieces just so, allowing us to execute the next step of our strategic plan, should worst come to worst. You did well, Jess, for all that you allowed him to treat you like a sick puppy.”
Her familiar stretched and yawned. “And who knows? Perhaps letting them think of you that way will encourage your family to let down their guard even more. Excellently done.”
Jessica smiled. "Thank you for the kind words, Twilight, but sadly I now feel like the half-mad beast they painted me out to be, a sick creature that Mother despises and Father takes pity on, when a harsher master would just have snapped my neck and been done with it."
“Wrong!” Twilight snapped. “Your mother is a sheltered lapdog who can’t bear to recognize the sight of a predator when it circles her cubs, instead blaming the hound who fends off the threat. And your father should know better than to question your judgment in battle.”
Stunned, Jess gazed at her familiar in surprise, not expecting her calm, reserved kitty, so prone to the sardonic remark even in times of dark peril, to speak so harshly of her parents. “Twilight!” she gasped.
Her familiar sighed, curling up, and if Jess didn’t know better she’d think he regretted his words. “I am not very happy with your parents right now, dear Jess. They spoke… out of turn. They pierced your heart with blades you cannot parry, cutting you deeper than any foe has ever managed to in a very long time.” Her familiar gazed sadly into Jess's eyes. “They shook your confidence, and that displeases me most of all.”
He gently licked her cheek. “I am sorry for the harshness of my words, my mistress. I know you love them, and that they love you. I regret only that their perceptions of you are so distorted, vital truths having faded from their minds like flickers of lost dream.”
Jess blinked. “What are you saying?”
Her familiar gazed at Jess thoughtfully. "I am saying, my dear Jess, that even though your mother and sister lived through the terror of seeing hideous monsters from the land of nightmare rend people limb from limb upon the Turnsby grounds, and even though they paid witness to you risking your very life tapping into ancient arts of Claimance to pull those lands free of living nightmare, to them it is as insubstantial now as a vaguely remembered dream. And the gratitude they should feel has faded to fear and frustration, as you succumb to more mundane follies. For some truths, dear Jess, the mortal mind is ill-equipped to handle, no matter that they should weep every day in praise of the girl who saved their very souls."
Jess was silent, considering her familiar’s words. “No wonder Mother and Apple are always quick to tease my ways, even when I haven't committed violent acts. They only remember how awkward I can sometimes be. My strengths come to the fore in times and places they cannot bear to remember. The events at the Turnsbys is on some level no more real to them than a nightmare long forgotten.”
Twilight nodded approvingly. "Exactly. The events of that night are viscerally felt only by Karine, the true queen of the Turnsby estates, having bonded to the land by right of Claimance, and Onnika, who shares a blood-link with the land as well. For those two alone, memory did not fade almost completely away when next they woke."
Jess sighed. “And all my deeds of valor fade like a midsummer's dream, whereas the violence Apple witnessed last night she will not forget anytime soon. As far as she is concerned, I'm just a raving lunatic who threatened to butcher her beau before her very eyes. And all mother sees is me engaging Kipu and his men like a headstrong fool, putting my own life in peril, and leaving us vulnerable to political reprisals.”
Twilight purred and nodded. “You cut to the heart of it, my mistress. That is exactly the situation. Had your mother and sister actually been able to recall exactly how fiercely you had to rely on your natural instincts to save their lives; indeed, to save the hundreds of lives upon the Turnsby estates, they might be far more forgiving of those same instincts today. For if you are a war hound, my Jess, they are the flock of sheep constantly under threat from predators only you and I can see.”
Jess gently stroked Twilight's back, kissing his forehead. She smiled softly. "I wouldn't say my mother's a well-sheltered lapdog, exactly, and she is quite brilliant at the verbal games ladies play. She and Apple can both tie knots of innuendo around me, as I have been humbled by the pair on many occasions. Yet I also know that when trouble comes, when cold steel is unsheathed and the mad gazes of those who wish one's death are glimpsed, she and Apple are like as not to freeze. That’s when my thoughts become crystal clear. The problem and solution are both as obvious to me as the simplest of equations.”
Jess suddenly flushed under her cat's amused gaze. “And I did not cheat on all my exams back at Highrock either, Twilight! Only those not involving Eloquin's courses,” Jess admitted sheepishly. “It's not my fault Malek was in almost all my classes, and I managed to get him to sit next to me and poked him for the answers. He was just being helpful.”
“I never said a word,” Twilight smirked. “He was but fulfilling his accustomed role. For handling numbers and bureaucratic details has always been one of his strengths, besides his obvious talent with tooth and blade. In any case, those sorry excuses for professors knew damned well who your true mentor was, and didn't dare say a word in protest.”
Jess flashed a grin. “And what is your talent, dear Twilight?”
Her familiar cracked an eyebrow. “You mean besides being your beloved familiar, adviser, and confidant in regards to all things big and small? Culinary expert, of course.”
Jess laughed. “In other words, you eat all the fish.”
“One must always be willing to do one’s part to assure excellence. Particularly in terms of dining, I find. And let it be said, my dear Jess, you have never suffered for a poorly trained chef.”
Jess tilted her head. "Well, we did have a new assistant chef who fancied himself quite the poissonnier. Nervous looking young man. Had a lot of pimples, and was always sighing after Apple. Confidence aside, I didn't see how he could prepare a proper whitefish stew, if he was always mooning over my sister." Jess scratched her head
. "Come to think about it, I haven't seen him since that first week."
Twilight's chuckle was wicked. "Poissonnier indeed. Let's just say his interpretation on the best way to poach a salmon left much to be desired, and so the situation was… remedied."
“Ah!” Jess gave a slow nod. “So that’s what all the screaming and banging was about that night.”
Her cat looked smug. “Let’s just say he won’t be presenting anyone with poorly prepared seafood anytime soon.”
Jess smiled. "Thank you, Twilight. You've helped me feel a bit less awful." She sighed. "I just wish my family wasn't quite so disappointed in me."
Her familiar gave a fluid shrug. “They’ll get over it.”
Jess nodded to herself, knowing it was time to confront that which troubled her heart the most. “Twilight?” She asked softly, almost tentatively.
Her familiar cocked a single eye in response, an impressive feat for a cat. “Yes?”
Jess took a deep breath. "Do you think that maybe I was wrong? That maybe I overreacted? Do you think… maybe… Kipu is innocent?"
Twilight regarded her thoughtfully with his sapphire eyes. “Does it matter?”
“Twilight! How can you say that?” Jess was shocked.
“Let us look at the dark ugly truth in its face. Let us have no fear of it. Perhaps you were wrong, Jess. Perhaps you were about to kill a man who was guilty of nothing more than dishonorable attentions toward your sister. There are still several things we must consider.
“For one thing, you did not act out of malice. Rather, you acted out of genuine concern for a member of your pack. Driven by nothing more than a flash of insight, you felt your way through the oldest of rituals, reinforcing the bond of blood between you and your sister, so that what threatened her resonated with you as well. This was not without cost, not without risk. In order to become one with her, you accessed wild magics. Magics which you can't control any more than you can control the roaring fury of a winter storm.”
Jess shivered, imagining that powerful wave of righteous madness swelling through her even now. All doubt and uncertainty washed away, more than willing to kill the man that had been before her, with no trial or proof, save the roaring in her heart. A seductive, hypnotic madness it had been. Riding the storm indeed.
Her familiar flashed a lazy grin, as if sensing her thoughts, then continued. “When you confronted Kipu, you were riding that storm, seeking the truth through the misty veil of uncertainty. Only by whipping away layers of deception, crying out the past as you sensed it, resonating ever stronger with his own dark secrets no matter that he feared you, only in doing so were you able to ascertain anything at all.”
Twilight hopped off Jess’s lap, pacing up and down the length of her bed. “And most importantly, when all’s said and done, you were no more than a noblewoman armed with but a dirk. For them to draw steel and attack you was an absolutely unforgivable offense, no matter what else had or hadn’t transpired.” Twilight’s voice turned cold as ice. “For that alone, Jess, they deserved to die. And were I not bound by ancient covenant, I would have torn out their throats myself.”
With that, Twilight gently slipped through the door, leaving Jess to brood over her regrets, wishing her familiar’s words could comfort her, aching to heal the terrible look of disappointment in her mother’s eyes, dreading the prospect of facing her sister in the days to come.
“My lady, here is your attire.” Jess woke up and rubbed her eyes, responding to a hesitant knock, one she didn’t recognize. Bleary eyed, she trod barefoot to the door, resting her hand gently upon the wooden paneling. She sensed naught but a single timid presence, no doubt that of a maid.
Upon opening the door, she found that this was indeed so, and had difficulty holding back the grimace she so wanted to vent forth at the prospect of being forced to wear dresses for the remainder of her days. The very thought made her want to hammer into her training mannequins with full force. No doubt something of her feelings was conveyed in her expression, for the maid blanched and quickly stepped away. “My lady, I shall leave these here for you?” With that, she meekly placed the outfit on an end table by Jess’s doorway, skirting away and back down the hall as fast as she could, abandoning all attempts at composure.
Jess sighed, and picked up the dress. It was a flimsy thing with gossamer thin layers made of pink and cream satin and lace. Cursing softly, she pulled off her nightshirt, changed her undergarment and squeezed herself into the dress, grateful that at least it was of simple construction, without endless hooks or ties or any other such nonsense, easy enough for one person to put on. She shrugged her shoulders, feeling utterly naked without even a belt knife, without even her mail gloves.
Jess had to look around for an old neglected pair of satin slippers, all her thick comfortable leather boots having been taken away, right along with every other article of clothing she had the least bit of interest in wearing.
Dresses. Nothing left in her now cavernous wardrobe but lace, gowns, blouses, and enough bows and ribbons to make her sister smile with delight. Her sister, who no doubt hated her.
With a deep breath, Jess slowly opened her door, resolving to do her best to get through the day.
49
“By the gods, Twilight, it was dreadful!” Jess confided with a shudder that evening. The day had been an endless series of boring tasks and duties. Gone was her mother's nurturing encouragement, enticing her to embrace the dance, with all the crepes she could ask for and sparring practice afterwards as a just reward. Oh no. Those days were sadly long past.
In that loving mother's place was a stern-eyed taskmistress, quick to cut Jess down should she make the slightest infraction with her manner of dress or speech, even the way she used her silverware. Jess shuddered in memory of the scathing commentary Apple had had for her when she had gone down to breakfast. Her sister made her feel like an unclean thing. Her contempt for Jess was plain for all to see.
She blamed Jess for Kipu’s utter disdain for her when their father had finally let him go that morning, no doubt breaking her heart. Apple took pains to make it abundantly clear that she thought her sister a savage killer, and wondered aloud more than once why her mother hadn’t had Jess locked away in a sanitarium. It had been enough to bring Jess to tears.
Filled with bitterness and regret, Jess had been about to renounce her blood ties to her family and, at that moment relieved of all family oaths and obligation, gather what she valued most and leave out the front door, never to look back. Banished by her own choosing, a black mark on the family. Or such was the brooding, self-pitying resolution roaring inside her, and perhaps her mother could sense something.
“That’s enough, Appolonia. You are excused from breakfast. Please leave,” her mother had said.
"But Mother! You know what Jess did! She jumped into one of her raving fits, and killed four armsmen! She was a bloody monster, and now Kipu despises me! Did you see the look on his face? It is Jess that should be confined to her rooms, forever as far as I’m concerned, and I’m the one being sent away? Fine!” Apple had snapped. “Then let Aunty Eva know that I wish to board with her. Frankly, I don’t want to be in the same house as this… killer.”
Her eyes had blazed with such contempt that Jess felt like she had been stabbed. She had actually gasped, then fiercely squeezed her eyes shut, so her sister wouldn’t see any more of her tears.
Save the single mercy of sending her sister away, her mother was pitiless. “There are consequences for our actions, Jessica. And no matter how bitter, they must be faced. Take your pain and learn from it, so you never act the mad fool again.”
"Mother!" Jess could not believe these words were coming from the one who had loved and nurtured her all her life. Who, even if she couldn't understand her oldest daughter, at least strove to be supportive of her. Gone. Perhaps forever. Replaced by an icy woman who suddenly found her daughter unworthy of gentle words. No soothing for her. Clearly, Jess could only be redeemed through penance.
Bitter lessons, as her mother had put it. And indeed, in everything from snapping at every inappropriate eating gesture such that Jess eventually gave up eating altogether and just stared at her plate, to critiquing her posture, hair, general appearance, and deportment, Jess realized how very much her mother had been holding back all these years. Well, no more.
"I did not give you permission to speak!" Her mother had snapped. "You have things you must learn and take to heart, Jessica. Many, many lessons you need to know so well that they become second nature to you. Things I should have drummed into your thick head, years ago! We don’t have time for regrets, and we certainly don’t have time for debate. You are going to learn what I will teach you in order to be a proper young lady, and failure is not an option! Am I clear?”
Said with the force of a drill sergeant, Jess couldn’t imagine any other response save the one her mother clearly expected. “Yes, Mother.” This earned her only the slightest of nods, and so the grueling day had proceeded until Jess, stressed, wrung out, heart aching with regret at how low she had fallen in her family’s eyes, had at last collapsed to her bed in exhaustion.
"By the gods, Twilight. Apple utterly loathes me, Geoffrey is too embarrassed to even look at me, Father is completely avoiding me, and Mother snaps at me every time I so much as twitch my fingers or move an inch in any direction she does not approve of! How I bloody hate this! I swear Mother wants me to suffer, to feel ashamed that I had ever taken an interest in the sword! She condemns me for never having sought the life of a delicate little wallflower, devoted to nothing more than the idea of being some man's prized jewel! As if because of what I did, the terrible mistake I might have made, all my past accomplishments are meaningless!" Bitterly Jess bit back her tears. "And you know how much I regret what happened now, Twilight. I can't take it back, but does Mother have to hate me so?"
Paladin's Oath Page 59
