by Dave Ferraro
abnegation (n.) - denial of comfort to oneself
It was my freshman year when I started hanging out with Paul Bowman. He was a year ahead of me, and the cutest nerdy boy I’d ever met. He was tall and awkward but had the most amazing smile. He had a thick short mop of wavy black hair that had grown just beyond the baseball cap he liked to wear. We were in the same Honors Geometry class back then.
We’d started out as study buddies, or so I’d thought. It easily progressed to hanging out at school events. When he’d held my hand the first time, I’d been over the moon. This had been all new for me. And though it felt perfect, he seemed just as nervous as I was.
One day, I needed to stay after school to meet with a teacher. Afraid I was going to miss the bus, he’d offered me a ride home. Maggie, with her strong personality and quick advice, insisted that I agree. She’d already had her first kiss and felt sure since my mom was working late that day, it could be the day for mine. I wasn’t really an overly shy person, but who wouldn’t be nervous their first time alone with a boy she liked?
Paul had driven his mom’s old brown Buick back then. When he pulled it to a stop in front of my house, I made the move Maggie coached me on. It wasn’t much at all, but she told me it would signal to him that I might be ready for the next step. So I turned to him. “Want to come in?” I invited with a smile.
He looked at me for a second in surprise with his gray eyes, flecked with hints of silver, before he nodded and said, “Sure.” His tone hadn’t been gleeful, but rather filled with minor shock.
To say I was anxious was an understatement. My hand literally shook when I twisted my key in the door. I had to psych myself out of looking like a total freak, calming myself down. This is no big deal, Mercy, I said to myself. Taking several steps inside to my left and down a step, I dropped my bag on the coffee table in the living room. When I turned to ask him if he wanted a drink, I nearly barreled into him. He’d been on my heels, following me closely. I looked up at him and met his eyes. “Uh, you want something to drink?” I mused.
His smile was radiant. “Coke,” he said. Before I turned to go to the kitchen, I was sure he’d flushed a bit.
“Okay,” I said, shimming around him to go to the kitchen, located in the back of my house. Quickly grabbing two Cokes from the fridge, I headed back. I admit I wasn’t sure of what to expect next. He was sitting on the sunny yellow sofa my mom so loved when I came back into the living room. The flower-decorated pillows were at his back. I didn’t know if I should sit next to him or on the flower-printed chair across from it. I didn’t want to send the wrong signals.
Making my decision easy, he scooted over so I wouldn’t have to go by him and evade the table in front of him. So I sat next to him. Kicking myself, I realized I should have really talked more to Maggie about this before I left her at school. This was all so new to me.
Handing him his Coke, I cracked open mine. I took a swallow before setting mine down on the table. It felt awkward now. I didn’t know what to say and, well, he hadn’t struck up a conversation either. I looked to the table and noticed he hadn’t opened his Coke. He’d just sat it on the table. So I angled my head to look at him, thinking of conversation to make.
“When are baseball tryouts?” I asked. I had this unbearable need to break the silence.
“Next month,” he said eagerly. He must have been searching for a topic of conversation as well. “Are you going out for softball or track?”
“Softball probably,” I answered. I’d played sports every year at school. I was surprised he noticed enough to ask.
“Cool,” he said shaking his head and looking away from me.
“My mom’s not going to be home for a while,” I said before thinking. I quickly cursed myself and closed my eyes at the blunder I'd made. I didn’t want him thinking this was an open invitation to anything. But well, I did want to kiss him.
His head snapped back to me, although he was still leaning forward with his arms on his knees. I glanced away from his stare because I was totally embarrassed by my words. Their meaning, to him, was apparent by the look on his face. I felt the couch shift with his movement.
When I turned back to look at him, his lips met mine. I had no time to prepare. The rush of heat was instant. I closed my eyes like they did in the movies to take in the sensations. It felt magnetic, as if we couldn’t be parted. Waves of something I can’t describe rolled over and into me. I would understand later just what that sensation was.
I thought I'd died and gone to heaven until the front door opened and my mom walked in. I jerked back, horrified, staring at my mother in the doorway, when Paul’s head hit my lap. Dumbstruck, I pushed him away urgently, never looking from my mother’s furious eyes. It was too late to warn him of the impending danger when he simply rolled off my lap and thudded on the floor.
“Paul,” I gasped when I saw him unmoving on the floor. Heart pounding, I fell on my knees next to him, ready to do CPR. Looking at him, however, I couldn’t remember the life-saving technique I’d just learned last week in health. My hands were shaking when I leaned down over him to check if he was breathing. Thankfully, my mom moved into action, dropping the grocery bags with a crash on the floor.
“Don’t, Mercy. Move away and don’t touch him,” she rambled on as I felt for a pulse, ready to give him mouth to mouth.
Lightly, she shoved me away and tilted her ear to his mouth and listened. She then placed her hands on his throat and counted silently in her head. My mom was an RN, so I trusted she knew what to do. I felt hot tears stream down my cheeks while I waited.
“Should I call 911?” I asked, breaking her concentration.
Shaking her head, she continued to count. Finally, she turned back to me and said, “He’ll be fine. Help me move him.” She shoved the coffee table toward the flower chair and we positioned him in the spot it had been. In the process, the two Cokes tipped to the floor and then opened one spilled its dark contents, staining the carpet while it fell. Neither of us paid it that much attention.
“Mom, what’s wrong with him? Should we call a doctor or his parents?” I asked, hand trembling.
She patted the sofa before she got up and sat on it herself. I looked at her, stunned. Paul lay on the ground and even though she was an RN, he wasn’t moving. Now wasn’t the time for a chat.
“Mom, we can’t just leave him like this,” I pleaded.
She continued to pat the seat next to her without saying anything, but giving me a look that said not to challenge her on this. Finally I obeyed, but not without throwing another worried look at Paul, who looked like he was sleeping, if not anything else.
She faced me with her somber blue eyes and her easygoing close-cut blond hair spiky from her recent hand rubbing through it. I knew there was trouble coming in the words that would follow her mouth parting. “Mercy, there is something you should know.”
I looked in befuddlement. What does this have to do with anything? Paul needed help, I thought, looking helplessly at him.
She took my hands and looked down on them before meeting my eyes again. “I thought I had more time before I’d have to tell you this.”
“What?” I asked, still confused as to why this was the right time for this.
She looked at Paul, who lay still on the ground. “Apparently, I waited too long,” she said with her hands folded, creating a triangle shape under her chin.
“Mom,” I said, wanting to get Paul to the hospital, seeing as he was still, so still.
She looked at me for another long moment, then said four words I will never forget, even though I didn’t know or understand their meaning at first. “You are a succubus,” she said with a heavy sigh. “And this is what will happen to any boy you kiss.”
I frowned. “Is that a slang term for a slut or something? If so, I’ve never kissed a boy until today,” I said, not understanding the meaning of the word succubus. I should have been
mortified at my mother walking in unexpectantly on my first kiss. I was at first, but now I was on the defensive.
“No, and I know that you haven’t kissed a boy before. That is something that wouldn’t have gone unnoticed,” she said tersely.
My eyes glazed over as she began to explain that I was half human, half succubus. In a gist, it meant I stole the life force of any human being I kissed. It got weirder when she explained the birds and bees to me and how sex was also deadly, at least for me. With all my dreams of boys, prom, dating and such, I didn’t think my life could go on. Abnegation was my only option now. There would be no boy who would date me and be content forever to only hold my hand. My mom did explain that later in life, I would be able to contain the “demon” within me. She said I would be able to have normal relationships in the future. But now, while my hormones raged on, I wouldn’t be able to control it. Thus, if I didn’t abstain from everything, I could kill someone unwittingly as I almost did with Paul.
I was so embroiled by what she was telling me that we didn’t notice Paul had regained consciousness. His eyes were wide open and it was clear he’d heard enough of our conversation to know just what I was.
She’d sworn him to secrecy and shooed him off as my life as I knew it ended. I thought that my life would be ruined more the next day by his words if he chose to tell, or even give any version of the day’s events. But my worry for the next day of school proved fruitless, because Paul proved himself loyal to his word. More than that, he didn’t ignore me either. We remained friends, even best friends as time passed. He knew more about me than I could share with Maggie.
The memory faded. Back in the bathroom, I wished he hadn’t worked tonight, so he could have come. Paul had changed in these last few years from cute nerd to cool nerd. He was really good at baseball and was considered among the elite seniors in school. If he’d been here, he would have gotten me out of the mess somehow.
Thinking of my second kiss ever, I pondered why nothing had happened to Flynn. I hadn’t kissed anyone out of fear since Paul. Maybe my mother had lied to me so I wouldn’t date. Maybe it was some extreme no teen sex talk. Looking at myself in the mirror again, I gathered tissue to pat my face dry. I was unconcerned with the consequences of the wetness, because I hadn’t been wearing much in the way of makeup except a little lip gloss today. I pulled the tube out of my pocket. I looked at it a second.
Maybe the kiss had been too quick, or I’d been too nervous, and somehow that protected Flynn. I applied my lip gloss and headed out the door. On the other side, Luke stood with his hand in midair, apparently ready to knock on the door.
“Hey,” he said. “I just came to see if you were alright.”
I had to look up to see into his marine blue eyes. They seemed so sincere. He was surely cute, but totally off limits to me. I looked away from his face, staring into his chest. I’d known that the guys in the room were tall, but being so close to Luke let me know just how tall he was. Clearly he was over six feet, because I stood five feet six inches.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“The guys can be jerks at times, but they don’t mean anything by it.”
I looked back up at him and gave him a tentative smile. I was surprised by his honest intention to make me feel better. I thought Maggie would have followed me to the bathroom, but instead here was Luke looking at me with eyes that spoke volumes. I stepped back, creating distance between us, thinking how great it could be if I could actually have a boyfriend without killing him.
Luke didn’t move and I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So against my better judgment, for the third time tonight, I took a step back in his direction.
“Are you coming back in?” he asked.
I couldn’t leave Maggie, as much as I wanted to. The worst was over, right? “Yes, I guess I’m in total abnegation. Lead the way,” I said, holding out my hand in a gesture mimicking my words.
He smiled and didn’t ask the meaning of my word of the day before turning and leading me back into the private room. Points for him, I thought. I’d only just sat back down when the door opened and Paul peaked in. I had to contain myself from jumping up and crossing over to him at the sight. I needed him now more than ever. But when he walked in followed by his new girlfriend, Amber, my heart was crushed. He still looked much like the same boy I'd kissed two years ago, only he wasn’t as gangly. He’d grown into his tall frame and even added muscle definition to his physique. The only difference was tonight he didn’t sport his usual baseball cap.
I relished our friendship more than he could ever possibly imagine. But secretly, I wished for more. Where Flynn spawned a quick burn of lust with his gorgeousness, Paul inspired a longing for something more. I’d long ago considered Paul my soul mate, even if he didn’t know it. He understood me and he accepted all of me just the way I was. In my heart, I longed not to be a weird half demon, and just a regular girl.
Paul and I had liked each other and who knew what could have been if I hadn’t almost killed him? But that was one secret I kept from him and Maggie alike. She would never understand why it couldn’t be between the two of us, unless my mom would let me let her in on our secret. After tonight, I would seriously consider telling her despite my mother, because I couldn’t do this again.
I looked up into Paul’s eyes and he gave me a quick smile before greeting his other friends. What would come next could possibly cause me nightmares.
