by K. L. Slater
I’m literally speechless. This woman, after trying to rob my sons of their father, turns up out of the blue at my class and has the audacity to try and start a dialogue with me? It beggars belief.
What I’d really like to do is tell her, in two choice words, to go away. Sadly, if I do that, I can kiss goodbye to my teaching opportunity here.
‘I’ve nothing to say to you.’ I keep my voice level and ensure I don’t sound threatening. ‘Why did you come here? I’d prefer you didn’t attend my class again.’
For a second, she doesn’t move, and I think she’s going to say something else, but then, thank goodness, she turns around, picks up her mat and water bottle and leaves the studio.
I stand at the side of the room and lean against the wall.
I’m shaking, and people are staring. One or two of the stragglers, still packing up their stuff, take a tentative step towards me, obviously concerned.
I squeeze my hands into fists to try and stop the trembling, but my knees feel like they might buckle at any moment. Finally I manage to grab my stuff and march determinedly out of the studio without saying goodbye to the class participants who are still in there.
Just before the door closes, I look back and see a cluster of women shaking their heads and rolling their eyes. Lanson’s instructors are known for their professionalism. They don’t behave like this.
I walk through the gym and past the entrance to the changing rooms. I’m just a few paces into the club members’ café, next stop reception, when someone calls my name.
Daniela is sitting at a small table tucked away in a corner. I look around. Nobody seems to be taking a blind bit of notice of me, but if I ignore her, she might shout louder and that will draw attention.
I walk over to her and she stands up. We stare at each other for a few moments. She looks so… together. I feel like a wreck in her presence.
‘Latte OK?’
I give her a curt nod, and she sets off to the counter.
I force myself to take a few deep breaths and look out of the window. The outdoor pool is cloaked in a dark cover, the tables and chairs that members use in the summer months stacked away under tarpaulin.
I can’t believe she’s had the front to come back to Nottingham and bought the house I was living in. More to the point, I’d like to know why she’s come back. To make amends with me? I seriously doubt that, and yet it was clear she wasn’t going to take no for an answer until I agreed to speak with her.
She’ll always be the woman who enabled Joel to live a lie. Because of her, he had less time with his children, and I can never forgive her for that.
I just wish I’d reacted differently to the deceit and betrayal and immediately accepted my doctor’s offer of a counsellor. Instead of sliding into obsession fuelled by hatred of Daniela, I could have invested my time and energies into rebuilding a stable life for myself and my boys.
I thought I could go it alone. But when Steph and Brenda offered to look after Kane and Harrison, so I could have a little time to myself, I chose to spend it finding out about Joel’s other woman.
I drag my eyes away from the bleak view outside as Daniela returns to the table with two frothy coffees in elegant latte glasses on tiny saucers.
‘Look, I know it must be so, so hard still to get your head around what happened.’ She holds her cup with both hands but doesn’t pick it up. ‘I’ve struggled too. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been through.’
I bite down on my back teeth as my stomach tenses.
‘What you’ve been through? You didn’t have two kids to think about.’
Good old Joel, wonderful brother, father and husband, who systematically not only screwed but actually lived with another woman in a neighbouring town for half his working week.
‘It’s not a competition to see who felt the most pain, Darcy.’
I could crack my glass on the top of her head. She’s so sorted, so over it. So patronising.
I pick up my cup and force the creamy liquid down my throat. It does help me feel slightly less flaky.
‘You don’t fool me. I know you’ve bought the house I was renting. Shame your plan to evict us failed when I moved out.’
But Daniela is not deterred. ‘Buying your house wasn’t my idea, if you must know, and I haven’t actually gone through with it. But I know you’ve been stalking me online. I saw you outside my house once, about three years ago, just before I moved to Manchester. You were just sitting there in the car, staring up at my window. So please don’t pretend this is all one-sided.’
That takes the wind out of my sails. I shift on my seat, cringing at having to face my own behaviour in her presence. I’d made a habit of following her after the funeral. It was easy to find out where she lived.
‘Steph told me you were obsessed with me. She’s kept in touch with me, as has Brenda. They kept me informed of what you were up to.’
Those snakes. I knew I should never have trusted them.
‘They’ve turned against me,’ I say. ‘I’d rather you didn’t mention them.’
‘I know. They’re trying to get the boys off you.’ Again, I try not to show my surprise, and fail. ‘I haven’t been snooping; they’ve been insistent on keeping me up to speed. They even tried to get me to give evidence of your stalking tactics to help their custody bid.’
I swallow hard. ‘And are you? Giving evidence?’
‘No. Believe it or not, I’m here to try and help you, Darcy.’
I feel like I’m in the middle of a nightmare dreamscape. Daniela Frost is here to help me, not to try and ruin my life? Somebody pinch me.
‘I moved away because I had to separate myself from what happened. I dealt with what happened with Joel differently from you. You turned to social media. I closed my old Facebook account from when I was married and opened a new account that reflected my new life. I entered into therapy, refreshed my circle of friends and kept working on my inner thoughts, telling myself that what happened wasn’t my problem at all, it was Joel’s. And now I’ve met someone new and I’ve no need to hold on to old negative feelings.’ Her voice softened. ‘You took another path. You probably blamed me more than you blamed him. Maybe you still do.’
I lower my eyes, unable to deny it.
‘You told yourself that because of the boys, you had more right to be with Joel than I did. But that’s just not true and I think you know that deep down.’
‘What he did was terrible, but he loved me. He loved his sons with all his heart.’ I spit out the words like broken teeth. Each one bitter and sharp. It’s a strange relief to speak them out loud. ‘My boys are Joel’s legacy. If it hadn’t been for you, we could have—’
‘Darcy, your denial has gone on long enough! You’ve been surrounded by people who’ve gone along with the lie you’ve told yourself all these years.’
‘What lie? I haven’t been lying about anything.’
Daniela juts her chin forward and speaks at me rather than to me.
‘I was Joel’s wife… not you!’ Her words pierce my skin like little arrows and I shudder.
Silence falls over us, soft as snow and just as icily cold. I shiver and wrap my arms around myself.
I’m vaguely aware of the two women at the next table giving us sideways glances, but the noise of the café remains a comforting buffer around us.
‘He was married to me, Darcy,’ Daniela says again, each word like a dagger in my heart. ‘You came in and broke up my marriage. You willingly had children with a man who only lived with you for part of the week.’ She sounds breathless. ‘But the act of having his kids didn’t give you the right to have him. Joel was my husband.’
Fifty-Four
My hand flies up to my mouth and I look down so she can’t see my brimming eyes. I can’t handle it. Hearing it out loud like this. I just… I can’t face myself.
All this time, I’ve dealt with what happened by telling myself I was the betrayed one, that I had more right to Joel than Daniela did because
of the boys.
But now… her words have shone a bright light on my self-delusion and I’m blinded by the truth. I feel sick, my skull is splitting with a thumping headache and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to feel the pain of it.
It’s always been so much easier to suppress the knowledge than to face it, to look at myself properly and see the ugliness of what I did.
It’s true. He was married to her, not me.
Daniela is his legal wife. The one who got to organise his funeral and inherit his estate.
She kept her own name after they married, but I changed mine to his, even though I wasn’t his wife. I did it for the kids. I did it for myself.
Yet still I couldn’t deal with it. Couldn’t accept it.
I look at her. Daniela Frost. The only person who really understands everything that happened, everything we went through after Joel died. Both of us finding out about his other woman. Both realising we’d been played in the cruellest of ways.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper. ‘I… I didn’t know he was married. I—’
‘You’re still young, Darcy. You have your boys and a new relationship but you have to face the truth for your own sake.’
I think of George and whether we’ll still be together in a week’s time, whether he’ll sort out his priorities in time. She bites her lip, as if wondering whether to say something. ‘I think you’ve allowed yourself to be controlled by Joel’s family.’
‘They helped me out,’ I start to say, and then stop, wondering why I’m still jumping to the defence of the people who are trying to take my boys away. ‘It was hard, having the boys, and—’
‘I know. It must have been horrendous. But what I mean is that you’ve allowed them to airbrush Joel’s deceit out of your personal history.’
‘For the boys’ sake.’ I repeat what Brenda and Steph have told me a thousand times.
‘The boys don’t need to know until they’re adults themselves. But don’t you see? You need to respect yourself enough to stand up and say to yourself and to those close to you that you were lied to and betrayed.’
Hearing her say it brings a sob to my throat. I’m shocked that I can be so transparent to her of all people, and swallow it down, embarrassed.
‘I sound so clever and knowledgeable, don’t I?’ she continues. ‘But I wasn’t at the beginning. I’ve had to work bloody hard to get to this place. And now, if anyone asks about my late husband – if it’s someone I feel quite close to – I tell them the truth of what Joel did to me.’
‘You just tell them what happened?’ I shake my head, imagining the horror of it.
‘Yes. And I do it because I did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. Joel did the bad thing to us.’ She pauses and stares me right in the eye. ‘The truth of it is, however much others have set us apart, you and I have no real reason to hate each other.’
I consider this last statement and find that basically, it’s true.
‘You know, I asked Joel’s family why they’ve played along with you all this time. Why they’ve just accepted the fact that you framed yourself as his wife.’ To her, the words seem like nothing, but to me they feel like rubbing salt into a raw, festering wound.
I don’t want to face myself and my pathetic delusion.
‘They seemed to believe it too,’ I say, but Daniela shakes her head.
‘Your sons are all they have left of Joel. They all agreed between them a long time ago that if allowing you to carry on with your delusion was the price they had to pay to play a major part in Kane and Harrison’s life, then so be it.’
I look at her and realise she’s discussed all this with them in depth. All of them talking about how crazy they think I am. Laughing about me behind my back.
I stand up, and Daniela’s face starts spinning around me like a vortex. My legs are wobbly and I feel her firm grip on my arms.
‘Sit down, Darcy,’ she says. ‘Take some deep breaths.’
She thinks I’m trying to run from the truth, but the reality is, new truths are flooding into my mind.
‘I honestly didn’t know he was married, but…’ I hesitate as I muster the determination to say the words that have hooked themselves into my throat, struggling not to be spoken. ‘I’m not sure, back then, it would have made a difference.’
I blow out my cheeks and release the air slowly, together with the shame that’s been lodged there for so long. The self-realisation burns my chest like burning oil, but it feels good. It feels cleansing, somehow.
To deal with my choices and what happened, I’ve blamed everyone else. Everyone but Joel.
My head feels full and my heart feels wrung out like an old rag. I think about George and Opal, about Steph and the rest of Joel’s family… the way I let the people in my life control me.
‘I’ve blamed myself and other people. I’ve blamed everyone but the person who did me wrong. I’ve buried what Joel did, just like they told me to.’
‘We’ve all done stuff we’re not proud of,’ Daniela says quietly, studying her hands. ‘I’ve been happy to rest the blame on your shoulders in the past, Darcy, and I know you’ve done the same with me. But Joel betrayed both of us and he short-changed his own sons, too. Without his lies and deceit, our paths would never have crossed.’
‘Why did you come back to Nottingham?’
‘Joel’s family have fostered hate between the two of us in order to assist them in excusing his behaviour,’ she says sadly. ‘If what happened was the fault of one, or of both of us, then it was so much easier for them to tell themselves that Joel just got led astray by a woman. All this time you thought they were supporting you and the boys, they’ve been planning how they could get permanent custody. Then you met this new guy and finally they felt they had enough ammunition.’
I remember the look on Steph’s face when I told her and Brenda about my relationship with George. That was her real face, but I failed to recognise it as such. I thought it was just her initial, illogical reaction.
‘They’ve tried to get me onside to destroy you once and for all so they can take your boys, and I couldn’t just let that happen, or when would this all stop?’
I process what she’s telling me, and it’s like someone just lifted a veil from my eyes. The cold core of anger I’ve held for her shifts inside me.
‘Joel’s family couldn’t face the truth of what he’d done to us. The vile, ugly truth that he was a liar and a cheat… They couldn’t handle it, so they told themselves a different story, and they’ve been doing it for years with my full approval. Steph tried to convince me to buy your house to push you over the edge. In the end I decided not to get into all that.’
It feels good, hearing her say this stuff, like squeezing an infected boil and letting all that hot yellow pus spurt out. I can feel the relief like someone just hit the pressure valve.
And what have I done lately? I’ve started to get over my obsession with Daniela by throwing myself into stopping Opal from ruining my new start with George, from doing the same thing to me that Daniela did: taking away my man. At least that’s what I’ve told myself since Joel died; that’s how I’ve deluded myself about Joel’s wife.
My thumping headache seems to ramp up a notch. It’s hard to even think it but it’s the truth.
What I’ve never considered is that perhaps Opal is hurting about something I’m completely unaware of; perhaps she feels just like I did when I became obsessed with Daniela. Maybe, just maybe, there are good reasons for her behaviour, from her point of view at least.
It’s a long shot, I know, but Opal has tried to talk to me several times and I won’t entertain it. Now I see that it’s all part of the self-delusion, the way I tell myself my man is innocent and someone else is to blame.
George won’t discuss Opal with me, so what have I got to lose?
It’s better than this hell. It’s better than living with shredded nerves and in fear for my children’s safety.
‘Well, I must get going now.’ Daniel
a picks up her bag and stands up. She places a business card on the table in front of me. ‘If you want to talk some more or need to contact me, you can do so on that number.’
She turns to leave.
I stand up and say her name and she turns back to look at me.
‘Thank you,’ I say.
Fifty-Five
Back home at last, I unlock the front door and stumble into the hallway. I shrug off my yoga mat bag and sit on the bottom step, head in my hands, thinking about my conversation with Daniela.
Every time I think about it, I cringe inside. The flood of relief when I finally let my true feelings out – the humiliation, the anger, at both Joel and myself – it felt so empowering.
Things have changed. I’m not alone any more, because now I have George and Romy and I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep my boys despite Joel’s family’s deluded bid to get custody of them and to paint Joel as some kind of saint instead of the lying rat he was in reality.
I feel stronger, as though I can confront them and challenge them on their behaviour. If I’ve been through a period of instability, then they have played a part in that too. They are no more fit to look after the boys than I am!
I make myself a cup of tea and open up my laptop, logging into Instagram once it has booted up. Three notifications, but there’s only one there that interests me.
Asking to follow Opal via my false profile has worked. My heart begins to thump as I click on the link. Here I am, still playing games online but this time, I have a valid reason. I truly am trying to set things straight.
From the moment the page starts to load, I have this inexplicable feeling that I might discover something I’ll wish I hadn’t. But never in a million years do I expect anything like the photographs that now fill my screen.
I run a bath and take my iPad into the bathroom. With the kids running around, it’s one of the rare places I can get a bit of peace and my go-to haven in the house.
Fortunately, Harrison has after-school football training, which I don’t have to pick him up from for another hour, and Kane and Romy are watching a Disney film in the living room.
