by Sherri Renee
“Maybe tomorrow,” I said. “Don’t the guys usually go there for lunch? Tonight, I think I’ll head home and drink my amazing green juice.” I wrinkled my nose, making Ginger laugh, although it was sympathetic.
“One slice of pizza won’t kill you.” Before the last word was out of her mouth, the blood drained from her already pale face, making the smattering of freckles on her nose stand out, and her jaw dropped. “Oh, Maddie! I didn’t mean that. I’m so sorry.”
The words knocked around in my chest, but I forced a smile. “Stop it, or I won’t let you hang out with my awesomeness anymore.” I tried to make a joke of it, but for the most part, I meant it.
And there was reason number two why I didn’t want friends. I didn’t want people guarding their every word around me. Getting tongue-tied and tripped up anytime the word “death” came up.
I was dying. Side-stepping the issue only made it that much bigger. Death was the one-ton elephant in the room. It just happened to be sitting on my lap. It couldn't be ignored all the time, but it didn’t have to get any special pats on its trunk either.
Ginger dipped her head and slid her hair—which was a surprisingly dark shade of brown for a girl with a name like Ginger—behind her ears with a sigh.
“I don’t mean to overreact,” she said. “That was just a terrible choice of words.”
People made their way from the stands and out of the gym with a lot of grumbling from our side and cheers from the other. A mother holding her toddler’s hand as he jumped from one bleacher to the next caught my attention, and my stomach knotted.
Usually, I didn’t let myself think about what I would be missing out on with my future cut short, but every now and then, little things snuck a jab at my heart. I would never know what it felt like to have a child of my own. Some tiny little person who looked up at me with sheer love in their eyes, as if I were the most important person in the entire world.
I had my little brothers, but I knew that was different. They loved me, but not the way they loved Mom.
It wasn’t like kids were on my horizon, even if I had been perfectly healthy. I didn’t even have a boyfriend. But it was those little moments that reminded me of what I couldn’t have. What I wouldn’t have.
It had taken a lot of tears and yelling and prayers before I’d made peace with my illness. But I finally had. But that peace came with stipulations. I wouldn’t go out on a wave of pity. And I wouldn’t be mourned by a bunch of kids who’d never even known me.
I would finish school and then slip away. When my time came, if things went as planned, no one would know I was gone besides Ginger and my immediate family.
Ginger had her head bent. I knew if she looked up, I’d see remorse in those expressive eyes of hers, so I did my best to lighten the mood.
“It’s not pizza that’s going to kill me, but those gross green drinks Mom keeps making for me. I’ve drunk more kale and celery in the past half year than most people eat in a lifetime. I’m pretty sure my skin’s going to turn green any day now.”
I held up an arm as if inspecting my skin and narrowed my eyes at a bright red scratch that hadn’t been there earlier. I would need to get that doctored up ASAP since my body could only fight off the smallest infections at the moment. I sure didn’t want my death to come in the form of an inch-long scratch.
Ginger glanced at my arm with a watery smile. “Sorry,” she said again. “I don’t mean to make things awkward. I say something stupid, and then I think about actually losing you.” She shook her head, her feelings stamped on her face.
We were almost alone in the bleachers at that point. I reached over and hugged her. “I get it,” I told her, and I did. “You have to do what I do. Don’t think about it.”
“Yep, denial fixes everything.” She smiled to soften her words as she stood, but I knew she didn’t like how I handled my illness. She thought I should tell the world what I was going through, but she wouldn’t push it. We’d been over it so many times she knew she couldn’t change my mind.
“I guess I’ll head to Luigi’s. You sure you don’t want to come? You don’t have to eat anything.” Her face brightened as she added, “Lucas will probably be there.”
“Tempting.” I grinned. “But Mom would throw a fit. She was upset enough that I came to the game and breathed in everyone’s ‘dirty old germs.’” I laughed. “As if the germs at a game are any worse than the ones at school.”
Slinging her purse over her shoulder, Ginger worked her way down the bleachers. She turned to wave. “Call me later,” she said. “Maybe I can come over and work on our calculus homework.”
“Maybe.” I returned her wave, watching until she left the gym. Then I leaned back and took a deep breath as I prepared myself for the trek down the bleachers and out to my car in the side parking lot.
It seemed like I had less energy every day. I needed to mention that to Dr. Reynolds in case it was a side-effect of a pill I was taking.
I gathered my purse and jacket. Just before I stood up, I heard arguing. I looked toward the locker rooms and saw Lucas standing by the door, talking to Brianna Logan. Things could get interesting.
Chapter 2
Brianna Logan was the Raiders’ head cheerleader, and while I knew that could go either direction, Brianna wasn’t one of those super-sweet girls everyone wanted to befriend. She was a tyrant who earned her friends through fear. At least, as far as I could tell.
Lucas must have seen something in her that she kept hidden from the rest of us, though, because they’d had some kind of on-again-off-again thing going on for the past couple of years. At least I told myself Lucas saw some hidden quality in her, because I refused to believe my perfect guy was shallow enough to like her just because she had a pretty face. And big boobs.
I glanced down at my almost-flat chest, but it wasn’t even worth the effort of a sigh. Between my typical lack of appetite and the gallons of low-fat green juice I chugged each week, I didn’t have enough curves to fill half of Brianna’s cheer uniform. Not that I cared. Usually.
I was resigned to my fate, and I refused to get so caught up in life that it would be impossible to let go when the time came. Except when it came to Lucas Nash. He was the one person who made me dream of a future. Of running on a beach hand in hand. Of kisses under a perfect starlit sky.
Not that I’d do anything about it. And an even bigger not that Lucas would be at all interested in me if I did. But he was my one vice, and I refused to see him as anything less than the perfect example of humanity that I’d built him up to be. So, that meant I had to believe Brianna had some redeeming qualities. Even if I couldn’t find them.
I moved a couple of rows down the bleachers and took another peek across the gym. Lucas reached for Brianna’s hand. To my surprise, Brianna yanked it away, tucking it behind her back. I stopped walking, openly watching them now. That was interesting indeed.
A little ball of hope sprang to life in my chest as I realized Brianna and Lucas were probably on the outs again. Yippee! Lucas could do so much better than her.
“I’m going to Luigi’s with Duncan,” Brianna said, her words echoing through the empty gym as freely as if she’d shouted them. “He didn’t miss the winning shot tonight. He’s not a loser, like some people.” She still wore the cheer uniform that showed her every curve, and her blonde hair was caught in a high ponytail. Shiny and silky. A far cry from my thinning locks of mousy brown.
She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder in a practiced move, giving Lucas a long look before spinning on her heels and leaving with a saucy sway to her hips.
I wiggled my hips from side to side, trying to imitate her graceful moves, and rolled my eyes.
No one would be watching my bony-butt walk away anytime soon. Not the way Lucas watched Brianna as she hurried out of the gym without another word.
Lucas rested his hands on his hips, and when the door closed behind her, dropped his head forward. He looked beaten down and defeated.
I wa
nted to run to him and give him a big hug. Not because he was the guy of my dreams and at a vulnerable point and might turn to me in his time of need. Or not entirely because of that—although, I would probably add that scenario to my daydreams. But because he looked like a little boy. Lost and broken.
It called out to something I’d hidden under layers of protective “don’t-give-a-crap.” Some sensitive part of me that I’d buried so deeply over the past year that even I sometimes forgot I had it in me. But Lucas wasn’t mine to comfort and never would be, and it would do me good to remember that.
Shaking myself from my daydreams about Lucas, I realized I was the last person in the bleachers. Knowing the janitor would turn off the lights soon, I stopped my creeper-spying and made my way to the floor and headed to the exit farthest from Lucas’s dejected form.
Lightly pressing against the handle, I tried to sneak out. I couldn’t believe Brianna. If I had a guy like Lucas, I’d be thanking my lucky stars every day. And here she was belittling him for missing a shot in the game? The door gave a small clank under my hand but didn’t budge. I frowned at it and pushed harder.
Nothing.
Starting to panic, I decided my chance at stealth was over. I just needed to get the stupid door open and escape. I shoved against the handle with all my might, trying to convince the door to release me before I got caught. I would die if Lucas found out I’d witnessed his little spat with the brat.
“They already locked the doors to the school,” Lucas called across the gym. “You’ll have to go out this one to the parking lot.”
And I was dying.
I scrunched my eyes and hunched my shoulders. Dang, it. Now, not only would Lucas know I’d been here to witness his humiliation, he’d probably think he had to talk to me. I mean, we were the only two people in the gym. It would be more awkward not to say something to each other than to share a brief greeting.
My heart beat even harder than usual. For a second, I pictured blood pulsing through my veins and exploding through a weak spot. Yeah, kind of gross. Morbid actually, but odds were good that was how I was going out. I just hoped I wouldn’t do it right here in front of Lucas.
An image of myself sprawled across the gym floor at Lucas’s feet made my heart beat even faster. Not good.
Keeping my eyes on the floor, I took a deep breath and pivoted, making my way as quickly as possible to the door closest to Lucas. The one Brianna had just gone out. I peeked up and saw him watching me.
I needed to say something or he’d think I was crazy, or rude, or oh! I didn’t know, but the silence, broken only by my footsteps, weighed on me and the gym floor seemed to grow by the second.
“Good game,” I said, just as I passed him. I lifted my head, and our eyes met. The moment the words left my mouth, I knew they’d been the wrong ones. Lucas’s pretty eyes, which I finally had a perfect view of, clouded before he looked down.
Now I knew exactly how Ginger felt with her “dying” comment. I couldn’t believe that out of the millions of words in the human language, I’d decided on those two. I could have thanked him for telling me which door was unlocked. Or commented on the weather. Anything would have been better than unintentionally rubbing his loss in his face.
“Thanks,” he muttered before turning to pick up his bag.
I tried to pick up some speed as heat pricked at my neck and cheeks. I needed to get out of there before my heart really did explode—from mortification. To my dismay, Lucas fell into step beside me.
He reached around me, his arm just brushing mine as he pushed the door open and held it for me. My heart jumped to my throat. I’d never been this close to Lucas before.
“Um, thanks,” I stammered. I glued my eyes to my cute blue sneakers and wished I could put them to good use and run to my car. But I knew no amount of discomfort was worth the damage running could do to my weak body.
I moved at a relatively slow pace across the parking lot. Lucas could have easily outpaced me, and I expected him to leave me any second. Instead, he somehow matched his stride to mine.
He appeared lost in thought with his shoulders slightly hunched as if he carried the weight of the world. I wondered if it was the game or Brianna that put that weight there. Probably a combination of them both.
I wished I could come up with some witty comment to put a smile on his somber face. Unfortunately, my repertoire of witty comments were being held hostage somewhere deep in my brain under the shock of finding myself within arm's reach of dream-boy Lucas Nash.
With only a handful of cars in the lot, I quickly picked out Lucas’s silver truck—parked right beside my compact blue car. It looked like we’d be spending a few more minutes together.
I wracked my brain for something to say, witty or not. After months of blowing people off, I was rusty with the whole conversation bit.
“Sorry I said that about the game.” I scrunched my nose and stole a peek at him before refocusing on my feet.
“Huh?” He looked over with a deep frown as if he’d forgotten I was there.
I swallowed hard, shooting him another glance. “I mean, it was a good game. A great game, really. I just don’t imagine you feel like celebrating after the way—” And that’s when my brain shorted out. What did I say now? After you choked? After you lost the game? After your girlfriend made you feel like crap?
“After the way it ended?” Lucas offered helpfully, putting an end to my frantic search of words. I gave him a thankful half-smile.
“Yeah, after that.”
His chest rose and fell with a heavy sigh, and he ran a hand through his hair. “You’re right. The last thing I feel like doing is celebrating.”
He stopped walking and narrowed his eyes as they swept over me from head to toe and back up. I shivered slightly under his brief appraisal, wondering what he saw when he looked at me. A frail girl with only months left to live, or a girl he might consider asking out if Brianna was ever fully out of his life.
Dream on, Maddie girl. Dream on.
“Madison, right?” Lucas said. I stopped and turned to face him.
“Maddie,” I corrected on autopilot, but then it hit me. Lucas Nash knew my name. I swallowed hard. The night was getting more interesting by the second.
Lucas kept his eyes on me, narrowing them slightly. “I don’t imagine you feel like hanging out for a while?”
“What?” I spat the word. My eyes widened, and I wondered if I was hallucinating. I’d had dreams that included Lucas and me hanging out, talking, kissing. But I never in a million years thought they’d become reality. He had the beautiful Brianna. Why would he want to spend time with me?
He adjusted the strap on his shoulder and started walking again. “I’m not up for the normal crowd at Luigi’s, but I don’t really want to be alone. Are you up for a burger? My treat.”
I’d fallen in step with him, but my feet stopped moving as my brain tried to process what was happening. Did Lucas Nash just ask me out?
“You want a burger, and you want me to go with you,” I clarified because stuff like that only happened in my fantasies.
I might have put a little more disbelief into those words than I meant to because Lucas swept a look around the almost empty parking lot before his eyes landed back on me.
“No worries,” he said, but his tight tone contradicted his words. “I get it. Who wants to be seen with a loser, right? I’ll see you around.” He clenched his jaw and hurt flared in his eyes before he turned away. He took a few steps toward his truck, then looked back and softly added, “Maddie.”
My heart ached for the hurt I could all but feel pouring off of him. I felt frozen as Lucas moved farther away with each step. I was having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that the guy of my dreams wanted to spend time with me. I mean, it wasn’t necessarily me he wanted. He just didn’t want to be alone, and I happened to be the only person around.
Could I hang with Lucas for however long it took to eat a hamburger without acting like an inval
id? I did a quick mental inventory. I still felt reasonably fine, and I wasn’t due to take any more pills until right before bed. But it absolutely contradicted my don’t get involved with anyone because you’re dying soon goal.
Lucas had made it to his truck, and I gnawed my lower lip as my heart fluttered against my ribs. Going out with Lucas was a terrible idea. What if he thought it meant we were friends, and he tried to be part of my life? Then I’d have to push him away, and pushing away the amazing Lucas Nash, the guy my very dreams were made of, would be torture. On the other hand, what if he really did just want company for tonight?
We could have a nice time, and I could remember what it was like to be a normal teen for a couple of hours. Maybe I could even help him forget the night’s disappointments for a little while. Then we could go back to our separate lives tomorrow. He and Brianna would probably be back together by then anyway.
It was now or never. I either let him drive away and regretted it forever, or. . .
I sucked in a deep breath and clenched my hands into fists. “Sure!” I yelled. Lucas glanced back, raising his brows as he gave me a startled look.
I took a couple of quick steps to catch up with him. “I mean,” I added, knowing I’d sounded way over excited about his offer, “I’m not really ready to go home yet, either.”
I added a shrug as if it wasn’t the most important moment of my life so far. “I could eat a burger.”
Chapter 3
Lucas studied me for so long I worried he’d changed his mind about asking me out. I started to fidget, wondering if I should simply walk away and try to pretend I hadn’t just humiliated myself in front of Lucas. Just before I did, Lucas dipped his head in a quick nod.
“Want to ride with me or follow me to the restaurant?” he asked without meeting my eye.
