by Sherri Renee
I lifted the bun. Protein in the meat. Calcium in the fake cheese. Some kinds of vitamins and minerals in the thin slices of lettuce and tomato. Nutritious enough for my one night of cheating.
And it did feel like a cheat night. I was cheating on everything important to me. I was getting close to someone, and I was eating food that might not prolong my life. I mentally shrugged. After eight months, I deserved a cheat night, didn’t I?
Lucas watched me. “Are you going to try it?” he asked.
I nodded and lifted the massive burger with both hands. Thankfully I hadn’t gone for the double. The greasy meat and salty cheese hit my tongue, and I smiled at Lucas as I chewed. “You were right. This is great.”
Lucas looked pleased that I liked the burger and took a bite of his. “Brianna won’t come here with me,” he said after he swallowed. “She says all the grease is too fattening.”
It surprised me that he mentioned Brianna, but you know, hey, since he did, I let my curiosity loose. “So, what’s going on with you two, anyway? One minute you seem like a couple, but the next you don’t even talk.” My eyes widened at the thought that I’d just admitted to watching him.
“I mean, not that I’m around you much. People talk, though. Not just about you,” I hurried to add. “About everyone. You know how school is.” I snapped my lips together and prayed no more words snuck out.
I wished I could crawl under the table and hide. There was apparently a reason I didn’t interact with people and it had nothing to do with being sick. I couldn’t seem to control my tongue. Every thought I had simply popped out of my mouth. I majorly needed to retrain my conversation filter.
Lucas didn’t respond right away, and I bit my lip before adding. “You don’t have to answer that. It’s none of my business."
Lucas set his burger down and wiped his hands on a paper napkin while shrugging. “I’m not sure, but I think it’s over between us,” he said. “Things never really work when we’re together.”
His words were calm, but he sounded sad. I reached across the table and surprised us both by grabbing his hand. “I’m sorry. That sucks and everything, but I think you’re making the right decision. Life’s too short to do things that don’t make you happy.”
Our eyes met and held. Lucas swallowed before nodding. “That’s some deep conversation for The Greasy Spoon.” The corner of his lip kicked up in a grin, and I couldn’t stop a small laugh.
“Well,” I composed my features into a mock-serious look, “I happen to think life’s too short for shallow conversations, too.”
This time Lucas laughed and raised his glass with his free hand. “Hear! Hear!” he said.
“You tell it like it is,” Lucas added, studying me intently so intently I started to blush. “I like that,” he added softly.
And I liked that Lucas liked that about me. Way too much.
I realized I still held Lucas’s hand and quickly pulled mine away to grab my shake. I took a long drink of the chocolate-heaven-in-a-glass to hide my embarrassment. My eyes closed as the sweet, creamy chocolate washed over my tongue. Oh, my. I’d almost forgotten just how good a shake tasted.
I might have let out a moan because when I opened my eyes, I found Lucas watching me with this incredibly intense, hooded gaze. Oh, double my. That look did all kinds of amazing fluttery things to my insides. He looked like he wanted to lean across the table and give me a taste of his perfectly kissable lips of his after all.
Germs or no germs, I wasn’t sure I would have had the willpower to say no if he did.
“Um. Ha!” I said, trying to distract both of us from the awkward moment. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a chocolate shake. It’s delicious. Thanks for bringing me here,” I added.
Lucas swallowed. “We should come here every day.” The soft words sent goosebumps up and down my arms. I couldn’t look away from him. Did he mean that? Would he want to spend time with me again after tonight?
Everything inside me jumped at the thought. What would it be like to come here every day with Lucas? We could visit, share a meal, get to know each other. Grow close. Make out. My thoughts tumbled over themselves as my nerves revved into gear.
I had no business getting attached to anyone. Right now, if I died, Lucas would probably be shocked and maybe a little sad to hear about it. But then he would go on with his life. It would be little different for him than hearing about a stranger’s death.
But if Lucas and I became friends, or even more, my death would hurt him. It would leave a hole in him. I saw the confusion in his eyes as he watched me. I imagined I looked like a wild horse with wide eyes, ready to bolt. It wouldn’t be far off if I did because that’s exactly how I felt. I had to get out of there. I wanted too much. And I couldn’t have any of it.
I set my napkin on the table and grabbed my purse. “Coming here was a mistake.” I grabbed some bills from my wallet and dropped them on the table, hoping they’d be enough to cover my wasted portion of the meal.
“I’m sorry.” I bit my lip and scooted out of the booth. I stood beside the table and Lucas’s confused expression tugged at my heart. I wanted to explain. At least tell him it was all me, not him. But tears clogged my throat. If I didn’t get out of there, I would start crying. That was another thing I’d vowed not to do. Cry in public. I saved my tears for my pillow.
I shook my head and tore my eyes from him as I spun around to rush from the restaurant. I heard Lucas call after me, but I didn’t turn back. Not as I unlocked my car and scampered inside. Not as I tore off down the street, clenching the steering wheel in a death-grip like I was fleeing demons. Not even as a single tear rebelled against my self-imposed rules and slid down my cheek.
I didn’t even let myself think about what I’d just done until I was half-way home.
“Oh, Maddie.” I whimpered. I’d been sitting two feet from the guy of my dreams, having a fantastic time, and I’d run from him. Literally, run out of the restaurant. I couldn’t even imagine what Lucas must think.
My head hit the seat rest. I’d thought having news of my illness getting around school would be the definition of mortifying, but no, I could clearly see that rumors of me running away from the school’s wonder-boy during a perfectly innocent meal would be worse.
So much worse.
Chapter 6
“Madison? Is that you?” Mom’s voice came from the living room the minute I opened the front door.
“It’s me.” I’d wanted to sneak in and have a little time alone with my thoughts, but that wasn’t going to happen.
I could hear Mom say something to the boys before her footsteps hurried my direction. Resigning myself to the questions and lecture I knew were to come, I was surprised when Mom stopped in front of me with an eager expression and grabbed my hands.
“Tell me everything,” she said. “Did you have a good time? Did the Raiders win? Where’s Ginger?” Her eyes narrowed in on my face. “Why are your cheeks so pale? How are you feeling?”
And there it was. I squeezed Mom’s hands before wiggling out of her grip and heading to my bedroom to put my purse down. Mom followed almost right on my heels.
“The game was okay,” I started answering her questions, hoping she’d think the game was the only reason I was pale. I was not ready to talk to her about Lucas, or the way I’d made a fool of myself at the restaurant. I reserved those conversations for Ginger.
“We lost, though,” I added, as Mom continued to study me through narrowed eyes, searching for what I wasn’t saying.
I dropped my purse on my dresser and slipped out of my shoes. “Ginger might come over later.” I went to the closet for my comfy PJs.
Mom stood in the doorway when I came out with my favorite sleep shirt and pants in my arms. “Was the game too exciting for you?” she asked. “Do you need to rest? How about some juice? I found a new recipe with pears in it.”
I knew she was trying to help the only way she knew how, but Mom’s constant offer of juice or raw v
eggies or a handful of vitamins could get annoying.
“I feel fine.” I put my hand on her shoulder, easing her to the other side of the doorway. “You have to stop worrying so much, or you’ll be the one needing juice.” I smiled to soften the words. Mom’s worried frown didn’t lessen, but she stepped back so I could close the door to change.
“We’re watching a movie. Come join us after you change,” she said.
I hated that Mom worried about me so much, but I knew I couldn’t stop her. I just wished I would magically heal so she wouldn’t have anything to worry about. My lips curved at the thought. Mom was a mom. Even if I was perfectly healthy, she would always find something to worry about.
Stripping out of my jeans and sweater, I pulled on my PJs then dropped down on my bed with a heavy groan. I’d run out on Lucas Nash. First, Brianna had tossed him aside for another guy. Then I’d left him sitting alone at the restaurant. Struck down by two girls in one night. Nice.
I pulled a pillow over my head and growled into it. I should have stuck the evening out. Ate a few more bites of my burger. Had a fry or two and just talked to Lucas.
He didn’t try to kiss me or even offer me a second date. Not that tonight had even been a first date. My fear had whipped all of those thoughts up from thin air. And I’d acted on it. Boy, had I acted on it.
I dropped the pillow beside me and shook my head. What was wrong with me?
Remembering I’d set my phone to silent, I dragged myself off the bed to dig it out of my purse. I hoped Ginger would come over tonight. If I didn’t talk out the Lucas situation soon, my brain might actually explode.
But then again, I already knew what she would say, didn’t I? She’d tell me how foolish I’d been to leave him—that I needed to live it up while I could. Then there would probably be at least one comment about throwing him down on my bed, but I’d learned to ignore those.
She wouldn’t say anything I didn’t halfway believe myself. But was she right? Wasn’t my way better?
I knew I was making some mountain-sized assumptions, but what if Lucas did want to date me, and I said yes? What would happen to him—to anyone I got close to—when my expiration date finally kicked in? Wasn’t it better to keep my distance? Wasn’t I doing him a favor by keeping him at arm’s length?
When Dad dropped out of my life, it had broken me. Sure, it was different. He hadn’t died, but I still ached from his loss every day. I couldn’t do that to someone else. It wasn’t fair to them, and I’d be able to go peacefully when my time came, knowing I hadn’t left a lot of broken souls behind.
I clenched my teeth and focused on my phone. I did have a couple of texts from Ginger. I quickly called her, hoping I’d catch her before she made it home.
“Hey,” I said when she answered on the second ring. “Still coming over?”
“I’m out front now. Let me in!” I laughed and hung up, heading for the door.
“Ginger’s here,” I called to Mom before I opened the door to find Ginger studying me with curious eyes and a surprisingly devious smile.
I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes in question.
“Spill,” she said simply.
“What?” I backed up to let her in. She grabbed my arm, dragging me to my room.
“Hi, Mrs. Gardner,” she called toward the living room where Mom and the boys watched their movie, but she didn’t stop until she had me in my room. The door closed with a firm click, and Ginger leaned against it.
“You went out with Lucas Nash,” she blurted.
“What?” I gasped. “No! Well, kind of.” I rubbed my mouth.
“Kind of?” She grabbed my arm again and pulled me down on the bed with her. “What kind of answer is that?”
“How’d you know?” I asked, blindsided by her confrontation.
“Rich Nolan told Jodi Mallory, who told Brianna Logan that he saw you and Lucas eating together somewhere.” Her grip tightened, but I refused to make her feel bad by letting her know she was hurting me. Plus, my mind was spinning so hard the pain barely registered.
“So, is it true?” She gave the bed a small bounce, staring at me with a wide, unblinking look that demanded answers.
I bit my lip but couldn’t fight back a smile. “It’s true. Kind of,” I quickly amended.
“No way!” She bounced harder now, bouncing me along with her. “Tell me everything. How did you end up on a date with the guy of your dreams?” Her eyes narrowed. “And why are you home so early? Do you feel okay?”
I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m fine, Mom.”
She made a face but didn’t let go of my arm.
“So, Brianna knows, huh?” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. A little happy that she knew Lucas wasn’t crying in his vanilla shake over her. A lot terrified that she had the power to make my short life miserable.
“Yes, she knows. Are you kidding? The whole school knows by now. I need deets. I’ve been dying since I heard the rumors. Tell me everything. Don’t leave out a second.” She spun around, flopping onto her stomach and propped her chin on her hands expectantly. “You and Lucas. Wow.”
“It was amazing.” I let out a sigh, falling on my back and covering my eyes with my arms. I told her everything. From Brianna’s tirade toward Lucas, to getting locked in the gym, to Lucas asking me if I wanted to get a burger. Then I sat up and wrinkled my nose. “But then I ruined it all,” I said.
Ginger had added some “ohs” and “ah’s” but hadn’t interrupted me. Now she sat up and grabbed my hand. “I’m sure you didn’t ruin anything,” she said, ever the loyal friend.
“Oh, no.” I nodded. “I’m pretty sure I did. Lucas mentioned something about us going out to eat every day. Next thing you know, I’m picturing us in a relationship, and I freaked out and ran away from him.” I bit my lip before meeting Ginger’s eyes. “I mean, I literally ran out of the restaurant.”
Ginger drew in her lips, her warm eyes filled with a swirl of emotions. “You ran away from him?” she finally squeaked out.
I nodded, making my hair fall in my eyes. I shoved it back and tucked it behind my ears.
“You did not!”
And then the girl I considered my best friend, the one person besides family I’d let into my life, did something quite shocking. She laughed. And she kept on laughing until she fell back on the bed, clutching her stomach while tears ran down her face.
I huffed out a breath that lifted my bangs, then flicked them back with my fingers. “Thanks, Ginger. No, really.” I held up a hand. “You laughing your butt off is exactly the reaction I needed to help me feel better.”
Ginger wiped her eyes and let out another chortle. “Sorry,” she choked out. “I just can’t believe you did that.” She opened her eyes and pushed herself to sit up. “You were on a dream date with Mr. Perfect, and you ran away.” She sucked in her lips again, apparently damming up the laughter that was trying to escape.
“Yes! Okay?” I jumped up, too wound up to sit still any longer. “I ran. What was I supposed to do?” I spun and splayed my hands at my sides in question.
“Um, maybe stay and eat dinner with the poor guy?” Ginger said with a snicker.
“Ugh!” I groaned, but I wasn’t upset with Ginger. Just myself. I tipped my head back and put my hands over my eyes. “You’re right.” I dropped my hands and opened my eyes. “But it’s too late to change it now. How am I going to face him at school tomorrow? How will I face anyone? You know this will spread even faster than news of us going out.”
Ginger looked thoughtful. “It will only spread if anyone knows about it. Unless someone saw you leave, it would be up to Lucas to tell anyone. Maybe he won’t say anything.”
That was something to think about. I hadn’t recognized anyone at the restaurant. I didn’t know when Rich Nolan saw us together, but if I was super-duper lucky, maybe he didn’t see me leave. Or more accurately, run out like a hell-hound was chasing me.
“Maybe,” I said slowly. The chance of my craziness not spr
eading around school was slim, but at least there was a chance. Something told me that Lucas wouldn’t tell anyone about our night.
I felt a tiny spark of hope ignite in my stomach. If I was lucky, I’d go to school the next day, and things would be no different than they were today. Did I mention I was never lucky?
Chapter 7
The whispers started in the parking lot. I ducked my head, avoiding the stares, and hurried to my locker. Stuffing the books from my book bag into it, I grabbed my notebook for first period, pretending I didn’t hear the loud whispers around me.
“Lucas and Madison. . .”
“Poor Brianna. . .”
“I hear it’s over. . .”
That comment caught my attention. I searched for the source of the gossip, but I couldn’t tell who’d been talking. Lucas had said he thought things were over with Brianna. Was it possible that they were over for good?
I couldn’t help the excitement that shot through me. Not that I’d ever have a chance with Lucas. Not that I wanted a chance with Lucas, I reminded myself. But I’d be thankful if he got away from that conniving—cheerleader—once and for all.
“Lost the game. . .” another voice interrupted my thoughts. “. . . don’t blame Brianna at all for dumping him.”
My jaw dropped before I could stop it. I snapped it closed and gritted my teeth. Brianna broke up with him because of the game? And people thought she was right to dump him? I couldn’t even imagine how crushed Lucas must feel.
I mean, he’d basically said things were over between them, but still, to know that she’d broken up with him because he missed a shot in a basketball game had to be devastating.
I grabbed a blue pen out of my bag. Ripping a sheet of notebook paper from a pad, I scribbled out a quick message, folded it up, and stalked down the hall with my books in my arms and a righteous fire burning in my chest.
