by Sherri Renee
Before I had time to register her words, Lucas appeared around the corner, looking as good as ever in jeans and a loose red t-shirt. I felt my expression morph into Mom’s as surprise flooded through me.
Chapter 17
I sat up straighter and smoothed the blanket over my lap before reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ears. I knew I looked terrible. I wasn’t wearing makeup, and I was sure my eyes were bloodshot, and my skin would be more pale than usual. Plus, I had no doubt I was rocking a bedhead since I hadn’t even made the effort to brush my hair since I’d been up. What was Lucas doing here?
“Maddie hasn’t been feeling well,” Mom said, still looking dumbstruck. She drew in her lips, turning from me to Lucas then back. “I’m, ah, afraid I’ll have to ask you to keep your visit short so she can rest.”
“Of course, Mrs. Gardner. I won’t stay long.” Lucas flashed her his earth-shattering smile.
“Okay, then. Great.” She widened her eyes at me, and I could see the hundreds of questions in them that I’d have to answer later. “I guess I’ll just, um, head back to the kitchen then.”
I wanted to laugh at her perplexity, but I was feeling pretty perplexed myself. “What are you doing here?” I blurted as soon as Mom left, unable to stand the suspense.
Lucas’s smile fell. He strode into the living room, glancing around before sitting in the recliner beside the couch I was on. He crossed his legs and leaned back. “You lied to me,” he said shortly. He didn’t sound mad, exactly, but he did sound confused.
I wanted to act like I had no idea what he was talking about, but I didn’t have the slightest doubt. I leaned back and scrunched up my nose. “I take it you talked to Brianna?” I didn’t need to ask, but I decided it would be best to hear exactly what had gone down before I started volunteering incriminating information.
“I did.” Lucas steepled his fingers under his chin without taking his eyes off me. I straightened the blanket on my lap, giving it way more focus than it called for as I worked to smooth each individual wrinkle.
“So, did you two get back together,” I asked with my attention fixed on the blanket.
He ignored my question, tipping his head to get a peek of my face. “Why’d you tell me you were leaving those notes for her?”
I picked at the blanket and considered my options. Tell Lucas the truth or come up with a new lie. I raised my head and pressed my lips together. He deserved the truth. At least as much of it as I could safely give without admitting I liked him.
“I heard what Brianna said to you after that game.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “And that she broke up with you because of it. I wanted to be sure you didn’t take her words to heart because she was wrong. So very wrong.”
Lucas clasped his hands over his knee, studying me like a newly discovered organism under a microscope. “I don’t understand why you’d lie about that, though. It was a pretty cool thing for you to do. Why would you give someone else the credit?”
“You caught me off guard,” I admitted. “I never thought you’d figure out I’d left the notes. I’d planned for them to be anonymous bits of inspiration. When you caught me at your locker, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want you to think I expected anything from you in return.” I hesitated. “I just. . . It was just something I wanted to do.”
My eyes burned as tears built, and I worked to hold them back. Crying was a waste of energy and wouldn’t fix a thing. At least, not in this situation. I rubbed my forehead and leaned back, dropping my hands to the couch.
“Why are you here, Lucas? Did you want me to confess I lied about Brianna?” I splayed my hands at my sides. “Fine, I lied. I might have gone about it wrong, but I only had the best intentions when I left those notes. I use a lot of affirmations myself, and I thought they might be helpful for you, too.”
Lucas didn’t say anything. I squirmed as the silence grew. “Do you want an apology?” I asked. “I apologize. I was wrong. Now, don’t you have a basketball game to get ready for?”
Lucas’s expression fell, and I felt bad for even mentioning basketball now that I knew he probably wasn’t looking forward to the game.
“I’ve got time,” Lucas said. “Where are your brothers?” I blinked at him. That was about the last thing I’d expected him to ask. “You told me you had two brothers, right?”
“I do.” I was surprised that he’d remembered that little fact. “My dad picked them up since I was sick.”
“That’s cool that you still get to see your dad.”
I snorted. “I don’t.” I rolled my eyes. “He sneaks in and out when I’m not around to make sure he doesn’t have to run into me,” I blurted what I’d just been thinking then widened my eyes at Lucas. “Sorry, didn’t mean to dump that on you.”
“I don’t see much of my dad either.” Lucas shrugged. “Well, I guess I do, but the only thing we talk about is basketball. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know a thing about me other than my stats.”
“Is he the one pushing you to play?”
“Isn’t everyone?” Lucas sank back into the chair.
“I’m not,” I said softly.
His eyes darted to mine. Realization spread across his face, and he nodded. “That’s true. You’re the only person I can talk to who doesn’t work basketball into every conversation. My dad’s the worst though. If it wasn’t for basketball, I’m not sure he’d ever talk to me at all.” With that painful admission, Lucas pressed his lips together in a flat line, and I wondered if he did it to hold back more words that wanted to rush out as I sometimes had to do.
Silence hung in the air between us. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything would be all right. Show him somehow that he was more than a sport. At least to me.
But I didn’t have the words, and I was scared to let myself touch him. I wanted too much when it came to Lucas. If I wrapped my arms around him, and he held me close, I might not be able to let him go.
I tucked my hair behind my ear, and glanced at Lucas from the corner of my eye. “It sucks your dad is like that,” I finally said.
Lucas let out a quiet laugh. “It sucks about your dad, too.”
I heaved out a deep breath. “I am sorry for lying to you about the notes. I didn’t mean to, I just panicked.”
Tears pricked at my eyes again. I felt like I always made the wrong choices. Pushing people out of my life when I should let them in. Letting them in when I should keep them out. Lying when the truth would have been a much better option.
A tickle started in my throat that had nothing to do with tears. I swallowed hard to keep it at bay. I shot a panicked look at Lucas. If I started coughing now, it was possible I wouldn’t be able to catch my breath. I did not need Lucas there for that show.
“I didn’t come for an apology, Maddie Gardner,” Lucas said, oblivious to my growing discomfort. “I came to ask you out on a real date.”
“What?” I gasped and instantly realized my mistake. The rush of cool air caused the tickle in my throat to grow. I covered my mouth and let out a tiny cough.
“You should go.” I coughed again, my eyes squinting as I struggled to keep myself under control. “We can talk tomorrow.”
The coughing started to overtake me. I shooed my hand toward the door, hoping Lucas would take my hint and leave. My eyes burned and watered. My chest felt tighter and tighter until I was gasping for air between each cough.
A hand squeezed my shoulder, and a part of my brain that wasn’t focused on survival registered that Lucas was still there. Told you I was never lucky,
“Are you okay?” he asked. The worry in his voice cracked my heart.
“Maddie?” I heard Mom’s footsteps as she rushed into the room. “Oh, Maddie.” Before I knew it, a mask covered my mouth and nose. Mom turned on the nebulizer, releasing medicine that would help the alveoli in my lungs to expand so I could catch my breath.
I coughed and wheezed a little longer, but soon, the medicine worked its magic, and I drew
in a deep breath.
“There’s my girl,” Mom said, I could hear the smile in her words. I kept my eyes scrunched shut. I didn’t want to see the emotion in Lucas’s eyes. I wasn’t sure if I’d see horror or pity, but I wasn’t looking forward to either one.
“You’re really sick, aren’t you?” Lucas’s words were soft but crushing just the same. If Lucas found out about my illness, he’d tell someone. It was human nature.
Before the game was over tonight, the entire school would know my secret. That was the last thing I ever wanted to have happen.
I opened my eyes and drew in my lips as I focused on Lucas’s worried expression. His eyes were gray again, and I was starting to get that gray meant upset, while green was reserved for happy. I let out a sigh, some weird part of me wishing I could be the one to make those eyes green all the time.
“I’ll let you two have a moment,” Mom said, darting me a sympathetic glance before slipping back out of the room.
I slowly pulled off my mask and reached over to turn off the noisy machine. “You can’t tell anyone.” I shot Lucas a pleading look. “At school. You can’t tell anyone I’m sick. I wouldn’t be able to bear the pitying looks. The whispers as I walked by. The false friends who wanted some kind of claim to fame just for knowing the dying girl.”
Lucas’s face paled, and he jerked back as if I’d slapped him. “You’re dying?”
Crap. I hadn’t meant to let that slip.
“Aren’t we all dying?” I tossed some philosophy at him, trying to sound flippant, but he wasn’t deterred. He sat on the edge of the recliner and leaned forward, grabbing my hand.
“Maddie, what’s wrong with you?”
I had two ways of dealing with Lucas’s question. I could be the ice princess and freeze him out, or I could be honest. I’d just realized I hadn’t been fair to anyone by keeping my illness secret and pushing them away.
But was I ready to let someone in?
It was a scary thought, and I’d pretty much decided to freeze Lucas out until he stroked his thumb over mine. Chills raced across my skin. I stared at our joined hands. His fingers, long and tanned. Mine petite and pale in comparison. He could have run when I’d had my coughing fit, yet here he sat, gently stroking my fingers.
“It’s an autoimmune disease,” I admitted. “In my case, my body is attacking my veins, but that ends up causing all kinds of problems.” And there it was, the information that made me different from every other kid in our class. The words that classified me as a freak.
I waited for Lucas to pull away. For him to run out of the house and out of my life. Instead, he squeezed my hand. “That really sucks.”
I let out a surprised snort and nodded. “Yes. Yes, it does.”
“My aunt has MS,” he said. “I know it’s probably not exactly the same, but it’s an autoimmune disease, too. I’ve seen some of what she’s had to deal with.”
My head snapped toward him. I didn’t know much about MS, but it was autoimmune. “I’m sorry. As you said, that sucks.”
Lucas’s lips turned up. It wasn’t quite a smile. More a look of commiseration.
“You can’t tell anyone for real, though. Promise me.” If Lucas thought I was being extreme, he didn’t show it.
“Promise,” he said, drawing an X over his chest, mimicking my action from the bleachers the other day. I was probably making a huge mistake, but I believed him.
Chapter 18
After a weekend of pills, green juice, amino acid, and bowls of chicken soup, I was up for school by Monday. Neither Mom nor Dr. Reynolds was thrilled about me going back so soon, but I was itching to get out of the house.
Okay, okay, I was itching to see Lucas.
We’d been texting every day, and it was fun and exciting. My heart skipped a beat every time my phone pinged, and I hadn’t smiled so much since before I’d hit puberty when the world had still been pure and innocent.
Mom had thought it would be best if I didn’t have any more visitors until I was one-hundred percent. I didn’t like it, but I agreed because I didn’t want to take a chance of getting even sicker while my immunity was down. But that meant I hadn’t seen Lucas in days.
But we’d been texting—a lot. Our texts were fun. A little flirty. And I couldn’t wait to see how he’d act around me in person. I hadn’t come out and said it, but I thought I’d made it clear that I wasn’t interested in dating.
His texts were light enough that I could take them as just friendly. But every now and then, he’d slip in something a bit more personal that made my heart pound and kept me guessing.
I pulled into the parking lot, looking at the school differently than I had in almost a year. Instead of simply a goal I wanted to achieve, today, I was looking forward to walking the halls, hopefully with a cute guy by my side. Just as friends, of course.
I smiled down at the sidewalk. Yes, I wanted more with Lucas. Who wouldn’t? He was kind and athletic and so darned cute. And those eyes of his, man, talk about swoon-worthy.
Maybe I would recover. People with autoimmune diseases occasionally went into spontaneous remission where they weren’t necessarily cured, but their disease stopped progressing. It was rare, but there was nothing to say I wouldn’t be one of the lucky few. And if I was, then, and only then could Lucas and I see if there was more between us than friendship.
Lost in my thoughts, I jumped when someone grabbed my arm, yanking me toward the bushes just off the sidewalk. I jerked my gaze up, and my stomach jolted as I found Brianna glaring at me. Her golden curls fell around her shoulders and contrasted prettily with the navy blouse she wore.
Everything about her was perfect, from her wide blue eyes to her pink cupid lips. But with her mouth curved in a snarl and her eyes narrowed, she looked more like a devil than the angel she could have been.
“I turned in your project,” she said shortly. “Now back off my boyfriend.” Her words came out as a hiss. “He’s just killing time with you to make me jealous. He does this kind of thing every time we break up.”
My heart thundered. I could only stare at Brianna as her words pricked at my soul. An icy smile curved her lips. “There’s no reason for you and me to be enemies. I thought you’d want to know you’re simply a pawn in the games Lucas and I play.” With that parting shot, her face relaxed, and she sashayed away, disappearing into the school.
I stood on the front step and tried to stop my body from shaking as Brianna’s words soaked in. She had to be lying. Lucas wouldn’t play with my emotions like that, especially now that he knew I was sick.
But he and Brianna had been doing their on-again-off-again dating thing for years. Was that something Lucas did in their “off” time? Flirt with another girl until Brianna was ready to get back together with him?
I felt sick in a way that had nothing to do with my disease, and I wished I’d stayed home like Mom had wanted me to. I couldn’t face Lucas until I knew if Brianna was telling the truth or lying. She had to be lying. She had to be.
But what if she wasn’t?
I yanked the door open and stomped inside, my day ruined before it had even started. My eyes darted up and down the hall, both hoping and dreading the thought of seeing Lucas. I wanted to flat out confront him with Brianna’s words and put an end to the doubt one way or another.
But I was terrified that he might confirm her story. That I was just someone to pass the time until he and Brianna were ready to get back together.
He hadn’t made me any promises. He didn’t owe me a thing. But I’d felt like we had a connection. I’d trusted him with my deepest secret. If I found out I was no more than some kind of side-chick, it would destroy me.
I grabbed a book from my locker, annoyed that it smelled like smoke from my burned project, and ducked my head as I hurried to class. I didn’t have the time or energy for friends or boyfriends, and especially not for the drama of ex-girlfriends.
“Where’ve you been?” I jumped as Ginger appeared beside me. “The bell’s a
bout to ring.”
We darted into class just before it did. “I got ambushed by Brianna,” I told her, sliding into my seat.
“What the heck?” Ginger asked. “Are you okay?”
I wasn’t okay, but I wasn’t ready to admit that I’d let Brianna get to me. I summed up our conversation while we waited for class to start.
Ginger rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me you believe her.”
I shrugged and wrinkled my nose. “I don’t want to, but she could be telling the truth.”
“Brianna wouldn’t know the truth if it walked up and bit her on the butt,” Ginger said without a trace of remorse. “She’s a scheming witch and has been since she buried her popsicle in the sandbox in first grade and blamed us.”
The memory made me smile. Our teacher, Mrs. Buchanan, had seen Brianna dump sand on her own popsicle and then try to get us in trouble just because we wouldn’t play princesses with her. Brianna had missed recess for a week after that.
Where was Mrs. Buchanan when I needed her?
Chapter 19
“Hey,” a deep voice said almost right next to my ear. I jumped away from my locker, spinning around to find Lucas grinning down at me. “Where’ve you been hiding all day? I’ve looked for you everywhere.”
I soaked in Lucas’s warm smile and gentle green eyes. The way his hair fell across his forehead and the light scent of cologne I could just pick up over the nasty scent of smoke that oozed from my locker. Everything inside me longed to trust him. He looked so innocent and happy to see me.
And maybe he was. He could honestly like me and want to spend time with me while having every intention of getting back with Brianna.
I considered ignoring him, but I had a feeling he wouldn’t just let me go without an explanation. And he deserved one. Whether he and Brianna planned to get back together or not, he hadn’t ever told me otherwise. I was the one making assumptions, and if my assumptions that he liked me were wrong, that was on me, not him.
