by Ellie Wade
My entire life, I’ve been hard on myself. I wanted to be perfect and right at all times, but that’s not how it works. Storms are inevitable—or in my case, catastrophic tsunamis—and as long as I’m trying my best, I need to give myself some grace, to be kind to my heart and gentle with my soul. Love’s middle name is a reminder for her to do the same. I want her to try her best and then gift herself with grace.
The one person we all have to rely on is ourselves. These past years have shown me that it doesn’t matter how much someone else loves me. I need to be able to love, forgive, and hold myself up. Only I can do that. Only I can keep going when it seems impossible.
I hold Love in my arms. At two months old, she’s already developing a personality. I see Leo in her features, and I’m so grateful. She has his deep blue eyes, full lips, and wide smile. I hope she grows up into an incredible soul, just as he was. I spend my days nursing, changing, and holding her. She’s the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.
The way in which I adore her is just as powerful as my love was for Leo but different, more intense, because she’s mine and Leo’s—we made her—and I’m going to protect her with everything I am. She won’t go a day without knowing that she’s loved unconditionally. She will never be left alone with anyone who could hurt her. Her achievements will be celebrated. I’ll show her how to be kind and thoughtful, though if she’s anything like Leo, she was born with those traits. I will catch her when she falls until I can’t, and then she’ll catch herself with the skills she owns because she will be fierce and gentle, like her daddy.
“Mama loves you, baby Love.” I grin toward her, and she gives me a hint of a smile and clings to my finger. “Mommy’s going to love you so much, you might get tired of me, but promise to show me grace. I just can’t help how much I adore you. And when you’re a teen, just skip the part where you hate me, okay? My heart couldn’t handle that.”
She holds my finger tighter, and I take that as a yes.
I lean down and kiss her cheeks over and over again as she makes the cooing noises I love so much.
“You’re the best gift that your daddy ever gave me.” Tears well in my eyes. “The very best gift.”
Two Years Later
“Come on, Lovebug. We’re going to drop these flowers off with Daddy.” I hold out my hand, and Love takes it.
I sigh in relief. She’s a very strong-willed little lady—a trait I think she inherited from both of her parents. Her short legs walk beside me as her chestnut-brown ponytail bounces on her head.
We reach Leo’s tombstone, and I set the pot of flowers down at its base. Reaching in the bag on my shoulder, I pull out the blanket and spread it over the grave.
“Pic-a-nic!”
“You got it, girlie. We are having a picnic! I have all sorts of goodies in here.” I pull out the Tupperware containers of finger foods, which is every meal with a toddler. “Here are some strawberries, cheese, Veggie Straws, and blueberries.”
I set Love’s sippy cup in front of her as she holds the container of blueberries in her lap and begins to shovel them in her mouth.
“One at a time, or you’re going to choke.” I grab a single blueberry and demonstrate.
Love is concentrating on her food. I sit cross-legged in front of Leo’s grave. I talk to him every day in my head, his love still very much alive inside me. Though, sometimes, I like to come here and speak out loud.
“It’s hard to believe that, next month, you’ll have been gone for three years. If I didn’t have a visual representation of the passing of time, who’s growing like a weed, I wouldn’t believe it. Gosh, I wish you were here. I wish you could love her and hold her, and I wish she could know you. You would’ve been such an amazing dad.”
“You’ll be happy to know that she’s your mini. From your bright blue eyes to your mischievous grin, she’s you. She’s kind and sensitive, and she definitely has a little temper when things aren’t going right. I swear, I’d bet she’s your mirror image when you were two. She makes me laugh and cry because, gosh, it’s like watching you grow up.”
I turn to Love, who has pulled all of her chubby, little toddler-sized Disney princesses out of the bag and is lining them up. They’re her favorite toys right now. They’re a modern version of the Little People figurines, which were popular when I was a kid, turned into Disney princesses. I got her the whole set when we went to Disney last month, and she’s obsessed.
I nod toward Love. “She likes to line up and organize her princesses, which I can’t be certain but I think that’s one trait she got from me.” I chuckle. “She’s smart, Leo—like, so smart. You’d be amazed. She’s perfect.” I wipe an errant tear.
“Leo, I don’t know where I’d be without her. She pulled me from my grief and saved me in so many ways. Your letter told me to love again and be happy, and she allowed me to do both. Thank you for her. Thank you for the greatest gift you could’ve given me. You left me a part of you, and I get to see you in her every day. I swear, a piece of your soul lives within her too. When I hug her, I feel you. When she laughs, I see you. And I promise you, she’s so loved and so happy, and I will never let anyone hurt her.”
Love walks over to me and touches a tear on my cheek. “Mama cry.” She looks sad.
“No, baby. Mommy’s happy. Happy tears.” I pull her pudgy, little hand to my lips and kiss the top.
“Happy?” she asks.
“Very happy.” I smile.
She retreats, scurrying toward her princesses on the blanket, and then comes back to me. “Mama?”
“Yes, Lovey?”
She gives me the Snow White doll. “White. Mama, white.”
“You want me to have Snow White?” I ask her.
She nods, a dimpled smile spreading across her face.
“You want Mommy to have your Snow White even though she’s your favorite?” I raise an eyebrow.
She nods again, giggling now.
“Thank you, Love.” I hug Snow White to my chest and then pucker my lips toward my daughter. “Kisses?”
She leans toward me and plants a wet kiss on my lips before heading back to the rest of her princesses.
I hold the plastic doll, Love’s most cherished possession, against my heart. “I told you she has your soul.”
My heart aches with adoration, and my chest fills with love. I close my eyes, my face toward the sky. As the sun warms my skin, I smile with a joy that’s soul deep, and I know that wherever Leo is, he’s smiling too.
Dear Readers,
Are you okay? That was rough, I know. It broke my heart to write, and I’m sure it was devastating to read. I want to tell you how Alma and Leo came to be and why their story is so special to me.
Leo was modeled after my late father. My dad was abused, same as Leo. His mother and brother knew and didn’t protect him. He fought the demons his whole life and battled drug and alcohol addiction. He died too young.
My dad had a kind heart and a gentle soul. Despite everything that he went through, he never laid a finger on me or my siblings. He loved us as best he could. He searched for happiness and love his entire life, but he could never let go of the pain of his childhood.
There are many sides of addiction, and I wanted to show that. Drugs don’t define the person; their heart does.
The chapter where Alma broke the mirror after Leo’s death was the first chapter I wrote in this novel. The scenes from the death to the epilogue have been in my head for years. I just didn’t know how Leo and Alma would get there.
Then, I heard the song “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe, featuring Julia Michaels. I listened to that song on repeat for two days, and in that time, the entirety of this book came to me. That’s now happened to me twice. My novel Chasing Memories came to me the same way—by listening to one song on repeat.
I love that song, and if you haven’t heard it, you should listen to it. It is the perfect mood for Alma and Leo’s story.
I hope I gave Leo’s life justice with
this novel, and I pray that, despite the heartache, you enjoyed reading it. It’s hard to pick a favorite book from the ones I’ve written, as they’re all special for different reasons, but I really love this one. Leo and Alma will always have a cherished place in my heart. Their love story was incredible, and though I wish Leo’s life weren’t so short, his love will live on, for those who love us never leave us.
Thank you so much for reading.
Make your journey beautiful.
Love,
Ellie
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I want to thank my readers so very much. Thank you for reading my stories and loving my words! I wouldn’t be living this dream without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
To my beta readers and proofreaders—Gayla, Tammi, Amy, Kylie, and Kim—You all are so awesome. Seriously, each of you is a gift, and you have helped me in invaluable, different ways. I love you all so much. XOXO
Gayla—Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to help me, no matter what I need. You are so smart and talented. You are a blessing, and I love you more than I could ever express.
Tammi—I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. I will forever continue to write as long as you continue to read because your feedback alone is enough. You get me. *Tight Hugs* I freaking love you!
Amy, my BBFFL—I have cherished your support from the beginning. Thirteen novels later, you continue to bless me with your feedback and support. You are one of the kindest and most supportive people I know. I love you to pieces! ♥
Kylie—I love you for so many reasons! Thank you for loving and supporting me. You are such a good person. Thank you for all you do to help me, including reading this entire 93K-word novel three times before it was even published! I am so grateful. ♥
Kim—Thank you for your friendship and support. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for taking time out of your busy life to help me make my books better. Love you! ♥
To my cover artist, Letitia Hasser from RBA Designs—Thank you! Your work inspires me. You are a true artist, and I am so grateful to work with you. People do judge a book by its cover, so thank you for making mine gorgeous! XO
To my editor, Jovana Shirley from Unforeseen Editing—You are, simply put, the best. Your talent, professionalism, and the care you take with my novels are worth way more than I could ever afford to pay you. Finding you was a true gift, one that I hope to always have on this journey. Thank you for always fitting me in! I am so grateful for you and everything you have done to make this book the best it can be. XOXO
Lastly, to the bloggers—I love you! Since releasing Forever Baby, I have gotten to know many of you through Facebook. Out of the kindness of your hearts, so many of you have reached out and helped me promote my books. There are seriously great people in this blogger community, and I am humbled by your support. Truly, thank you! Because of you, indie authors get their stories out. Thank you for supporting all authors and the great stories they write.
Readers—You can connect with me on several places, and I would love to hear from you.
Join my readers group: www.facebook.com/groups/wadeswarriorsforthehea
Find me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/EllieWadeAuthor
Find me on Instagram: www.instagram.com/authorelliewade
Visit my website: www.elliewade.com
Remember, the greatest gift you can give an author is a review. If you feel so inclined, please leave a review on the various retailer sites. It doesn’t have to be fancy. A couple of sentences would be awesome!
I could honestly write a whole book about everyone in this world whom I am thankful for. I am blessed in so many ways, and I am beyond grateful for this beautiful life. XOXO
Forever,
Ellie ♥
Other Titles by Ellie Wade
THE FLAWED HEART SERIES
Finding London
Keeping London
Loving London
Eternally London
Taming Georgia
THE CHOICES SERIES
A Beautiful Kind of Love
A Forever Kind of Love
A Grateful Kind of Love
STAND-ALONES
Fragment
Chasing Memories
Forever Baby
A Hundred Ways to Love
BOXED SETS
The Flawed Heart Series
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ellie Wade resides in southeast Michigan with her husband, three children, and three dogs. She has a master’s in education from Eastern Michigan University, and she is a huge University of Michigan sports fan. She loves the beauty of her home state, especially the lakes and the gorgeous autumn weather. When she is not writing, she is reading, snuggling up with her kids, or spending time with family and friends. She loves traveling and exploring new places with her family.
