by Talia Jager
“Darkness?”
“Excuse me?” she asked.
“So bright… hurts my head,” I tried to explain.
“Can I help with that?” Zander asked.
The nurse nodded. “Sure.”
Zander went into the bathroom and came back out a minute later with a washcloth. “Can I put this over her eyes?” he asked.
The nurse nodded. “Just keep it away from the wires and bandages on her head and it should be fine.”
“Great.” he smiled. He stroked my cheek and kissed me gently. “Get some rest. I’ll close the blinds, too.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, closing my eyes. Zander put the cool washcloth over my eyes and I slipped into a deep sleep.
* * *
The next day, Dr. Logan came in with a technician. “We’re just going to show you some pictures, ask you some questions, okay?”
“Okay.” I felt a little better than the day before. I wasn’t quite as tired. They showed me picture after picture. Sometimes I had a hard time getting out the word for it. I was glad that Connor wasn’t in the room. I didn’t want him to worry.
After an hour of testing, Dr. Logan sat down. “Do you want me to wait for Connor to get here?”
“No,” I answered warily.
“You’re having some problems getting your words out quickly and in the tests you had some trouble connecting words with images. It is very subtle. I don’t think it’ll be a long term problem,” he explained.
“How long?” I asked worried.
“Might take a couple months, but I think it’ll work itself out. We do need to tell Connor,” Dr. Logan said, he must have been reading my thoughts. I rolled my eyes. “He should know. It’s not like it’s a permanent problem.”
I sighed. “Everything else okay?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yes. I’m very pleased. Your cognitive skills and your motor skills are fine.” He smiled. “I think in a few months, you’ll be 100%. It’s going to take time to heal and recover. You can’t go moving out next week.”
I laughed.
Dr. Logan laughed too, and then he got this very serious look in his eyes, “Teagan, you must remember, that I didn’t cure you. Hopefully, the surgery helped reduce the number of seizures you have. Please don’t get discouraged when you do have a seizure. I truly believe that you won’t have as many. You have to keep taking the medicine.”
“I understand.”
“I know you say that, but the first time you have a seizure you may feel depressed or disappointed. Don’t. Give it time.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“We will talk more about what to expect in a few days. Right now, you still need to rest and heal.”
“Bandages off?”
“They’ll come off before you leave and you’ll be able to wear a hat.”
“Okay.”
“Your hair will grow back quickly.” He smiled and patted my arm before leaving.
I was pleased with the news he gave me. I knew I might have difficulties, so to only have my speech affected wouldn’t be too bad.
Connor was real understanding about it too. I was afraid he’d start ranting and raving about it. But, he didn’t. He just told me to let him know if I needed any help at all.
Maddie and Mandi came every day to say hi. They brought magazines to look at. They’d talk about life outside the hospital, normal people stuff.
After convincing everyone to go home and relax, I sorted through cards and gifts that had poured in from our family in Ireland. I talked to Grandma, who had called every day. It was always nice to hear her voice. It reminded me of the voice I missed most, my mother's voice.
I remembered the conversation I had had with my mother while in surgery. I hadn't told anyone about that, I wasn't sure if I was going to. It had been so wonderful to see her and talk to her. Knowing she was proud of me meant the world to me.
Life was so odd. My safety net had been taken away, I had been thrown in with the sharks, and I survived. If my parents hadn't died in that crash, I wouldn't be here in the hospital now. I wouldn't have gone to camp. I wouldn't have met Zander, Lainey, or Maddie. I felt guilty enjoying my life now; it almost felt like I was glad my parents had died. But, I wasn't, I missed them terribly. This was God's plan. Somehow, it all worked out.
Lainey and Zander continued coming every day to visit. Owen usually came with them. Lainey and I would watch soaps together while the boys took a break. Zander would talk to me about our future while Owen and Lainey went for a walk.
It was so nice to have my family and friends surrounding me with their love and support.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Seven days after my life changing brain surgery, I had experienced lots of twitches, but no big seizures. I was up and walking the halls as much as I could, even though I was still weak and very tired. I continued to have a pretty bad headache and I was nauseous a lot. But, it was slowly getting better. Dr. Logan said I’d probably be able to go home in a couple days. I was looking forward to that.
On the eighth day, I experienced my first real aura. Many times before a tonic-clonic seizure would hit, I would get a glimpse into an aura, but I always started seizing before really experiencing what it was like.
Lainey was in the room and we were talking and all of a sudden it hit. The room started getting further away and the colors stood out. At first, I was scared because I thought I was going to have a seizure. I felt like I was in a dream. It was like I had been here before. The scents and sounds were familiar. It was peaceful.
I could hear Lainey calling to me, but the dream was so vivid that I didn’t want to ruin it by trying to respond. She must have pushed the button because when the dream started to fade, I realized the room was full of people. “Teagan? Are you okay?” Lainey was asking. She was holding my hand.
I smiled. “If that was a… seizure, I wouldn’t mind… having more.”
“What?”
“It was like… a dream…”
“I think it was an aura,” the nurse said.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“I’m going to let Dr. Logan know,” she said and left the room.
“It was neat,” I told Lainey. “Did I shake?”
“No,” she said. “Not a bit. You just stopped talking. I thought that maybe you were having an absence seizure, but then you’re eyes were moving and I hadn’t seen you do that in one of those before.”
Dr. Logan confirmed that I had my first real aura experience. He said many times, people get them after surgery.
* * *
On the tenth day after surgery, I was discharged from the hospital. Dr. Logan came and took my bandages off. “Thank you for letting me operate on you,” he said.
I laughed. “Thank you for doing it. I’m not sure… many doctors would have.” My speech had gotten a lot better, it wasn’t perfect yet, but I was closer.
“You deserve to have a life. I’ve watched you grow for so many years.”
“It’s not like you’ll… never see me again.”
“I know. You need to come see me in a month and you still have to come in every six months. I’ve just watched you go from a scared little girl to a beautiful young lady with a boyfriend! Do you remember all the times you used to cry and say you’d never have friends or a boyfriend?”
“Yeah… wasn’t so long ago.”
“Now look at you.”
I nodded. “You’ve been a big part of all that.”
He smiled. “Thank you.” He gave me the bandages. “You have a beautiful bald head.” I was glad nobody else was around for the unveiling.
I giggled. “Thanks, I think.”
“The incision site looks good. It is healing very nicely.” He handed me a mirror. “You ready?”
I took a deep breath and then looked in the mirror. Tears sprang to my eyes. The bandages had given me a false sense of security. To see my bald head was hard. “Wow.”
“It’ll grow back fast.”
“I k
now.”
He sat down next to the bed. “Do you remember everything we’ve talked about?”
“Yeah. Don’t get… discouraged if I have… another seizure.”
“That is the most important one. Do you know that we’ve documented about five absence seizures since the surgery?”
“No.”
“They are still there, just not as much. You only had a few tonic-clonic seizures and they were right after the surgery, but none since.”
“That’s good.”
“Take your meds. Keep track of any seizures you do have.”
“What about the auras?”
“I don’t know for sure how your brain will react. It could have been a one time thing or you could have a couple.”
I nodded. “No big deal. It was kind of cool.”
“So, I’ve heard.” He smiled. “Now, you’re being sent home with pain medication. Take it when you need it. Your head might hurt for a while longer. Call me if you need more. You should have enough to get you through a month. The nausea should go away. You’re pretty steady on your feet. Your speech has already shown much improvement. As far as connecting words with pictures, I think that will work itself out in the next couple months. Don’t bend over and don’t lift heavy things. Use ice packs for pain or itchiness from the incision.”
“What about being so tired?”
“You just had brain surgery. You need to recover. Most patients feel weak, fatigued, tired for a good month after surgery. Also, I want you to continue on the anti-depressant you’ve been on. Many patients get depressed after surgery. That will help with it.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve already told all of this to Connor and Kate. I want you to take it easy for the summer and I will see you in a month. Obviously, if you have any questions or concerns, call me.”
“I will. Thank you, Dr. Logan.”
“You’re welcome, Teagan.”
* * *
Kate came in as soon as the doctor left. “I brought the scarves and hats you bought.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
I could tell she was trying not to look at my head. “Which one do you want to try?”
I went through them all and she helped me try on a bunch of them. I finally settled on a green scarf that matched my eyes. Kate helped me put it on.
“It looks good,” Lainey said, walking in.
I blushed and muttered, “Thanks.”
“It does. Better than that white piece of tape that was on your head,” she smiled.
I laughed. “True.”
Kate stood up. “I’m going to go see where Connor is.” She said and left.
Lainey squeezed my hand. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s stupid really,” I said, dabbing my eyes with a tissue.
“No, it’s not stupid if you’re feeling so sad about it,” she said.
“But it is,” I insisted.
“Teagan, it’s okay, you can tell me anything. You know I won’t think differently of you.”
“I… I don’t want to be ugly,” I said. “See, it’s stupid. I miss my hair. I know that I just… survived brain surgery and I should be… thrilled. I know that my… epilepsy is going to be better now. But… I’m worried that Zander will be… repulsed. I’m worried about what… people are going to say. I’m worried that you… won’t want to be seen out with me. Even with a hat on… you can tell I don’t have hair!” I started to sob.
“Oh Teagan…” Lainey wrapped her arms me. “You’re my best friend. I don’t care if you have hair or not.”
“Not now, but what about when… we’re out together? People will stare.”
“Who cares? Let them.” She reached up and grabbed the scarf.
“What are you doing?” I yelled.
“Looking at your head,” she said and that’s what she did. She just looked at it. “It’s a head.”
“An ugly one.”
“No, a beautiful one,” she opened the mirror. “Do you know what this head signifies?”
“No.”
“Life. You can have a life now. But, the hair had to go for a while in order for you to get one. It was a sacrifice. However, that hair is going to come back as red and full of life as it once was. I know that Zander still loves you. I don’t care if other people stare. You’re my best friend and I will be here no matter what.”
I smiled through my tears. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She hugged me again. Then she tied the scarf back on my head. “Are you ready to get out of here?”
“Yes!”
Connor came in with a wheelchair. “Your chariot awaits, my lady.”
I laughed again. It was so good to be alive. Zander was behind him, he came around and helped me get out of bed and into the chair. “Home, Connor, take me home!” I commanded jokingly.
“Yes Ma’am.”
We left the hospital and I didn’t look back. The sun felt so good on my face. The hot, humid air made me feel alive. Zander helped me get into the car. I was off to start a new life.
When I got home, Connor helped me into the house. “Surprise!”
As I looked around the room, I saw the faces of the people I loved. Connor and Kate had invited Zander, Lainey, Owen, Maddie, and Mandi. I smiled seeing them all. They were here to celebrate my new life. I knew I wasn’t cured. I knew I’d still have seizures, but they were cut down to something I could handle. I had a new lease on life. Even though I lost my parents, I gained so much. A boyfriend, a best friend, and many other friends. I was on my way to college and who knew what else. I couldn’t wait to get started. I knew it would be a long haul. Even if I did still have seizures, I realized as I saw the love in all of their eyes that it had all been worth it.
* * *
The recovery was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The headaches didn’t let up for a couple weeks. The nausea stayed with me for a while too. I got dizzy or lightheaded when I stood up. I spent most days in bed or on the couch. I worked on reading and writing a lot. Making sure I could do it as fast as college would need me to. I had Connor hold up pictures and I would say what they were. It did get better; it was just very slow going.
I stood in front of the mirror and slowly took the scarf off. It had been a week since I last looked at it. The scars were healing and a tiny bit of fuzz had started to grow. I carefully rubbed the top of my head. “Grow hair,” I whispered to it. Something flashed and I looked over to find Connor taking my picture. “How could you?” I cried! I tried to run to my room, but he stopped me.
“What?”
“How could you take a picture of me like that?” I asked in tears.
“I thought you wanted this type of stuff. We took pictures in the hospital,” he told me.
“You did?”
“Yes, we figured you’d want to document all of this.”
I shook my head. “No, I can’t,” I couldn’t look at him. “I have to get a scarf on.”
“You don’t need to cover up at home,” he said and kissed the top of my head. “You’re beautiful.”
“Please Connor,” I begged. “I… I can’t.”
He nodded sadly and moved out of my way. I hurried to my room and buried my head under my pillow and cried.
* * *
As the days passed, I got a little more comfortable with my head. I could finally sleep without wearing a scarf. I think I shocked everyone the first morning I purposely walked out of my room without one. I sat down and apologized to Connor, “I’m sorry for freaking out the other day. I was having a bad day and I guess I wasn’t ready yet. I’m still not ready to go out without something on, but I’m… well, I’m getting there.”
He smiled and took my hand. “I’m sorry for taking your picture. I should have asked. I thought you would want a few.”
“It’s a good idea. It just caught me off guard, that’s all.”
We had to write down every symptom, every twitch and everything I felt. According to w
hat my brother wrote in my log, I had twelve absence seizures in the month and five times my arm twitched. Only once more did I have an aura. The results were looking good, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. Twelve absence seizures in a month beat twelve a day!
Connor wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him. He insisted that Zander, Lainey and anybody else who wanted to see me come to the house and visit me there. He didn’t want me out of his or Kate’s sight until I saw Dr. Logan again. My friends didn’t mind. They understood and came to visit me all the time. It gave Connor and Kate a break. I think they appreciated that.
College started in a month and I really wanted to be ready. I didn’t want to have to postpone until next semester.
I went for my follow-up with Dr. Logan four weeks after my surgery. It was only the second time I had been out of the house since I had gotten released from the hospital. I was feeling very self-conscious. My hair had grown a little more, it was about half an inch long. I still wore scarves and hats around, especially out of the house.
This time I wore a sky blue one to match my shirt. I knew it was still obvious that I didn’t have any hair. At least in a neurologists office, people could figure out I had had brain surgery. They didn’t look at me as strangely as people somewhere else might. I knew it should be the least of my worries, but it bothered me still.
Dr. Logan walked in with a smile on his face. “Good morning, Teagan.”
“Good morning, Doctor.” I couldn’t help but smile back.
“How are you doing?” he asked, looking through my file.
“I’m good,” I answered.
He picked up my journal and looked through it. “This looks great!”
“I know,” I said.
“No tonic-clonic seizures at all?”
“Not one,” Connor said.
“Good. We knew that you’d probably continue to have some absence seizures. I’m glad that they have decreased in frequency.”
“What about the twitching?” I asked.
“I think it’ll go away,” he answered. “I see the nausea has finally calmed down.”
“Yes!”
He laughed at my response. “Good. Still having headaches though?”
“Yes, not as often the past few days, but they still bother me.”
“I think those, too, will get better. And listen to you talk! No more problems?” he asked.
“Not really.”
“That’s great. I told you it would clear up quick,” he said as he walked closer to me. “I need you to take off the hat so I can take a look at my handiwork,” he smiled.
