Classy AF: Cheap Thrills Series Book 3

by Moore. , Mary B.

  I figured the last bit was pretty self-explanatory, so I didn’t question it. I did have two questions I wanted to ask, though, so I did. “He’s not the boss of me, if your ass needs looked at, just shout.” Shooting me a grin over his shoulder, he snorted and then went back to watching my house. “I have some questions for you. Is it bad? And how do you sit on a wounded ass?”

  “Second degree burns and carefully.”

  Burns had been one of the things I’d always hated. You can stitch up and dress a wound, but burns? Then again, it beat losing a limb. But a burn on your ass?

  One of the doctors I’d worked with after I’d graduated had been burned in a house fire when he was a teenager, and the skin on his arm looked painful when he’d shown me. He said it was like touching your face after you’d had a cavity fixed at the dentist, and that description had stuck with me since then. He also said that the best thing for most burns was ice and cold water (just not directly on the skin with the ice), but it was also one of the most painful things to have on it so to make sure to keep on top of the patient’s pain medication.

  Sure enough, a week later, a woman came in with a burn on her leg from a firework, and she had been unconscious because someone had poured a bucket of ice water on it. It was lucky for her that they’d been storing their beers and drinks in it, but also unlucky because it had been so painful that she’d thrown up and passed out. After that, she freaked out anytime one of us mentioned doing any sort of cold treatment on it.

  I’d been watching Garrett during my thinking and noticed how he kept rubbing his teeth with the sleeve of the Henley was wearing. “Did you injure your mouth, too?”

  Turning his body to face me, he leaned against the window frame and glared at me. “How long does it take for this shit to wear off?”

  “Uhh, what shit?”

  “The coffee, Rose. How long?”

  Thinking through all the things I’d read and heard about coffee, I tried to figure his question out. It had a laxative effect, that first coffee triggering a poop, too much caffeine, heart tachycardia, it was all there. There was also the fact that cocaine was smuggled in coffee sometimes, too, and only a couple of months ago someone had overdosed in Florida after they’d drank some because there had been drugs in it. That had me up on my feet and crossing the room immediately, grabbing his wrist to take his pulse.

  “What are your symptoms?” I asked, reaching up with my other hand to feel his forehead.

  “Blue. Fucking. Teeth.”

  So, in my defense, coming home to a wrecked house had made me forget what I’d done to Raoul’s coffee the night before. Also in my defense, I’d been fairly certain that the trick wouldn’t work because the blue would show up after he added creamer so he’d see it – which is what had occurred to me this afternoon.

  Lowering my hands, I took a step back, trying to see his teeth in the light coming through the window. “Why did you drink it? Didn’t you think something was wrong when you saw it was blue in the cup?”

  Placing his hands on his hips, he glared down at me. “I put them in those travel cups he’s got like thirty of, so I didn’t see the blue.”

  That made sense, kinda, but… “You didn’t see it at all?”

  Leaning closer to me, he growled, “No. I was looking for a spoon, but he’s moved shit around so it’s like a freaking maze in there. Because I couldn’t find one I couldn’t stir it, and I knew he’d lose his shit about that. So, I put the lid on, gave it a shake, and passed it over. I don’t take creamer in mine, just sugar, so I guesstimated the amount I was tipping in, added water and then a lid. Satisfied?”

  Biting my lip to stop myself from laughing, I tilted my head to the side and saw the slight blue tint on his lips. “How bad is your tongue?”

  When he stuck it out, I lost it. Thankfully, he was standing close enough for me to grab onto so I didn’t hit the floor. I was laughing so hard that the second I tried to take a breath in, more laughter would come out and I was starting to panic that I was going to pass out. Regardless, it just kept coming.

  “Just to say, he looks like this, too,” he informed me, making me laugh even harder. Well, that was until he added, “But your fuck up was making his coffee sweet.”

  Oh shit!

  I didn’t look at him and I didn’t say anything, I looked for a way to escape. I didn’t realize the stuff would make it taste like there was sugar in it, and the last time I’d seen Raoul take a mouthful of sweet coffee, he’d spent ten minutes telling us how bad it was. They were valid reasons if you didn’t like sugar in your coffee, and he truly hated it. I was dead.

  And then my heart sank a little bit more when lights started flashing through the window, indicating that the police had arrived to search my house. Everything right then centered on worry. The worry that the person would be inside the house still, the worry that someone had stolen something from me, the worry that a stranger had been through my stuff, the worry that my cat had indeed had a flashback from the plug-in and would do this repeatedly for the rest of his life, and now the worry that Raoul was going to suffocate me with a pillow.

  “I’m going on the lam.”

  Raoul

  “Holy shit,” Logan muttered, looking around the room. “I’ve checked out everywhere else and there’s nothing, not even a broken window. What the hell happened?”

  “Find anything?” My brother’s voice sounded from behind us, and I glanced over to see him standing there with his arms and legs spread widely in the doorway.

  I didn’t need to ask why he was like that, especially not when I heard Rose shout, “Would you move your ass out the way!”

  Garrett ignored her, and aside from when she pushed against him – hopefully the uninjured parts of him – he didn’t move a muscle except to look around the room. “Are those scratch marks?”

  Following where he was looking at the four sets of lines that went down a wall, I went with my initial theory. “Maybe the intruder spooked Rex, and he tried to run up the wall? Or maybe he tried attacking them and ended up on the wall? But it looks like he’s responsible for some of the damage.”

  The look that came over my brother’s face had me tensing and standing up from where I’d been crouched down. “We need to talk.”

  * * *

  With Rose looking at the damage, and promising not to touch or move anything, I followed him outside.

  “I think I know what happened,” he winced. “Remember how we had the laser pointed at the house for the cat?”

  “Yeah, but that was only to get him to move cushions and shit. To do that sort of damage, we’d have had to…” I stopped, remembering when we were arguing over the laser and how he hadn’t pressed the button to turn it off. “Ah, shit.”

  Nodding at me, he looked back over my shoulder. “Good thing I’ve got time to work on the damage.”

  Groaning, I turned back to the house, trying to figure out how to explain it to her. Would she hate me? More than likely, yes. I mean, I’d be pissed if she’d somehow managed to get Ranger to fuck my house up like this, but that would take a miracle seeing as how Ranger only moved for food.

  “Time to face the monkey,” I sighed heading back in, praying with each step that I hadn’t finally pushed her over the edge. Blue teeth and lips were one thing, a smashed living room?

  * * *

  Surprisingly, she’d taken it well so far. When we’d explained what we’d done, even Logan had looked around the room seeing more evidence of what we were surmising was the cause for the damage.

  “So, you had a laser pointed from your house to mine?” she clarified, looking confused. “What the hell kind of laser did you have?”

  Clearing his throat, Garrett avoided eye contact with her, instead looking around us like he was trying to find something. “It’s one we used in training to point where we wanted them to look,” he explained. “Nothing special really. And it would have been ok if he hadn’t tried to grab it.”

  “Technically, it woul
d have been ok if her cat wasn’t the size of a wrecking ball,” I mumbled, trying to find the feline in question.

  “Leave his weight out of this,” she snapped, putting her hands on her hips. Out of everything that had happened, her cat’s weight was the issue? Jesus Christ, she had three holes in her wall. “He’s only a couple pounds out of shape.”

  Before I could reply, Logan yelled, “Holy shit, have you seen the size of this thing?” Meaning that Garrett couldn’t help but leave us alone to go and check it out for himself.

  Closing the distance between us, I cupped her neck, and nudged her to get her to look up at me. There were a lot of moments when the difference between our heights was really noticeable, and this was one of them. I actually hated it right now because I wanted badly to make sure she wasn’t going to hate me for the rest of my life, and the height distance felt like it went on for miles instead of the reality which was just over a foot.

  “Sweetheart, listen, I swear I’ll fix all of this. I had no idea that it would be this bad and I feel like total shit.” I really did, and now that I was looking around us, I realized how much of a bad idea it had been. “It was only ever meant to make him knock a couple of things over, not total your living room.”

  I expected her to scream at me, maybe even knee me in the balls – although I was praying she wouldn’t – but I didn’t expect her to burst out laughing. The swelling in her eye had gone down even more since I’d seen her last, but the bruising was definitely coming out properly now, and I winced each time she squeezed her eyes shut to laugh harder.

  “I want to be super pissed - and don’t get me wrong, I am pissed – but at the same time the fact this backfired on y’all so badly…” she wheezed. “And you’re standing there, in your uniform, with blue teeth…”

  That was a sensitive subject for me, but I managed to hold in the growl. I’d had to put up with hours of bullshit from the others when they’d seen me, and those guys were the kind of assholes who’d never let it drop, so it would follow me for life.

  “Let’s not mention that,” I advised her seriously. “I haven’t found the funny part of your prank yet.”

  Trying to calm herself down, she wiped gently under her eyes. “It wasn’t meant to last that long. It’s dried food coloring, so I didn’t think it would do that,” she snickered, gesturing at my mouth.

  Her prank had not only tinted my teeth, but the inside of my lips looked like a dead person’s, and my tongue looked like a Chow-chow’s. “I’ve been accused of blowing a Smurf.”

  That was apparently the wrong thing to say because she started laughing her ass off again, tipping her head back as she did it. Like it did when people laugh, her mouth opened, and without even realizing what I was doing I kissed her, hoping that she wouldn’t finally give in and knee me in the junk. Would I still want her if she did, though? You bet your ass I would.

  Moving to wrap my arms around her waist, I pulled her into me, remembering at the last second that the shit on my utility belt might hurt her, and angling my body slightly to the side to try to minimize it. The fact that I’d totaled her living room didn’t matter at that moment. Neither did my blue mouth, the war between us, me being on duty, my brother and Logan being in the kitchen looking at her cat… none of it mattered. Only her.

  Just as she started to press her pussy into my thigh, my brother yelled, “That’s not a cat, it’s a freaking mutant. What the hell did you do to it, girl?” Making us break apart, both of us panting against each other’s lips.

  Running the tip of my nose gently across hers, I whispered, “I’m going to fix it, I promise.”

  All the worries that she’d hate me flew out of the window when she smiled and leaned into me. “I know. And it’s kind of funny.”

  It was an awkward move to do given that there was over a foot difference between our heights, but I weathered the pain in my neck and spine and lowered my head so that my forehead was resting on hers, letting her see the relief I was feeling. “Thank you, baby.”

  “Can you do me a favor, though?”

  Not even needing to think about my answer, I rasped, “Anything.”

  “Remember how nice I’m being the next time I do something to piss you off. Your dog likes me because I feed him treats when I break into your house, so one day I might get in and do something like this. You need to remember this moment when I do, and then embrace the forgiveness factor you’ve got deep down inside,” she said seriously.

  “Sweetheart, I’m talking to you with a blue mouth after drinking sweet coffee, and after drinking potting soil instead of coffee,” I reminded her. “If I didn’t spank your ass for those stunts, I think it’s safe to say I won’t lose my shit if you do something like this to my house. Although, I think we need to make a rule that states no destruction of property, seeing as how it looks like that’s the direction we’re headed in.”

  Thinking it over, she eventually looked back at me nodding. Unfortunately, the nod contradicted the words that followed it. “I’ll think about it.”

  I didn’t see this ending with me laughing, but as always the unexpected happened and I did it anyway, aware that she watched every second of it with a soft look on her face. When it left me, I opened my eyes, and felt it pertinent to tell her a home truth that was going to change both of our lives.

  “You’re mine, Rose Beauregard.”

  For the first time since I’d ever met her, she wore an expression that was impossible to read. I want to say it was shock, maybe even confusion, but there was a tint of happiness and irritation, so I wasn’t sure. Then she frowned, and I braced for a war. “Don’t I get a say in this?”

  The answer was simple. “Do you want one?”

  Looking around us at the state of her living room, she stared on the hole in the wall beside us and then looked back up at me. “Hell no.”

  The relief I felt at those two words was inexplicable. Just as I leaned down to kiss her again, my brother came through, holding the fat cat in his arms. “If y’all are done with smoochy time – barf by the way – your hippo’s ok. No injuries at all, thanks to the amount of padding he’s got.” He nodded down at the purring tiger in his arms. “I’ve got time to fix shit, so I’ll get to work on it all in the morning, if that’s good with you?”

  And that’s when Logan came back through, putting his cell back in his pocket. “Seems like DB’s gonna having a matching eye,” he said looking at Rose. “He just got punched breaking up a fight at the retirement home.”

  Small town living, it wasn’t for everyone, but I fucking loved it.

  Chapter Ten

  Rose

  “So you and my brother?” Garrett asked, evening up the white shit he was spreading on my wall.

  “How’s your ass?” I countered, making myself comfy on the couch with the cookie I’d stolen out of the pack on the coffee table.

  Fortunately, Rex hadn’t broken anything hugely expensive during his wrecking ball mission, so aside from the walls, some shredded cushions that I’d wanted to replace for a while anyway, and a couple of other things, it was a pretty easy fix. Would the Evans men accept that, though? In short – no. They apologized every time I saw them – which was a lot – and they kept bringing over apology gifts, too. It had been two days since it had happened, the blue had worn off, and things were almost back to normal. Get over it all ready.

  “It’s itchy,” he mumbled, grimacing like he wanted to give it a good scratch. “I keep waking up because I’m rubbing it on the sheets.”

  Nodding, I swallowed the chunk of cookie I’d been munching on and thought over the healing process of burns. “Were you offered the possibility of a skin graft?”

  Dropping the scrapy thing he had in his hand back into the pot of goop he’d been putting on the wall, he tipped to the side and moved so that he was partially leaning against the wall.

  “Yeah, the doctor who treated me said they could do it, but I’ve got a condition called malignant hyperthermia so I avoid anesth
etic as much as I can. A few scars won’t bother me that much. I’d rather have those than die because I tried to cover them up.”

  This was news to me. I knew what the condition was, and I’d even seen it happen to patients who were given volatile anesthetics, but I didn’t know Garrett had it. “Wait, isn’t it hereditary? Does Raoul have it?”

  Focusing on a lump of plaster that was on his jeans, he started picking it off as he answered. “Yeah, Catalina and Mom have it, too. We’ve all got tattoos so that if there’s an accident, the doctors who treat us know about it. Well, apart from Mom. she has one of those alert bracelet things.”

  That made sense. It was becoming a popular trend for people to do that when it came to medical alerts that could impact attempts to save their lives if they were sick and injured… apart from one thing. “Isn’t Raoul scared of needles?”

  I knew for a fact he was, really scared of them, so him sitting through a tattoo?

  Grinning at me, Garrett told me a story that almost made me pee my pants laughing, but it also gave me something to use against Raoul the next time I needed it.

  * * *

  Eight hours later…

  Was it possible for a woman to get blue balls? Fuck that asking for a friend shit, this was a legit question that I was asking for myself. It had been five days since my parents had walked in on us in my bedroom. During those five days things had advanced between us, he’d smashed up my living room, I’d made him look like he had a Smurf fetish… it was like the longest foreplay session in the history of mankind.

  I was now at a new level of horny. I wanted to Netflix and Chill, Amazon Prime and sexy time, Imax and Climax… you get the gist. But I wanted it like no one had ever wanted to before in the history of all of that. And could I do it? No, because apparently the work schedules of a nurse and deputy sheriff didn’t mix, unless you were pulling pranks.