by RJ Scott
“What are you doing here?” I demanded.
“Debs is at a sleepover with friends, Evan is at soccer camp, and we wanted to see you and Mia.”
“What?”
“Well, Mom doesn’t want to miss out.”
“You mean as she’s missed out on most of my life.” Sue me if I still had a bitterness inside me that was taking a while to subside.
“Stop it, Ash, and shave,” she ordered. “You look like a hobo.”
“Thanks, sis.” I sighed and then watched as Siobhan took Mia to change her and fuss over her. I assumed Mom was downstairs, but knowing she was there didn’t make me quite as tense as it might have done, not with Siobhan being down with her. Maybe one day I could have Mom in the house and not go on the defensive, but today wasn’t that day. The shave was amazing, the shower was bliss, and I let myself enjoy every second of it. Today was the first day I felt like a normal human being, and my thoughts wandered in the shower to Sean and the kisses in the park and the blow job in the kitchen. He’d kissed me so thoroughly on every occasion that I could still taste him now.
Memories of his clever mouth, with the sucking, and the kisses, and his tongue licking mine, tangling with it, running the length of my cock, made me hard. With the hot water beating down on my shoulders, I circled my cock to thoughts of him sucking me and got myself off in the quickest time ever.
As I dried my hair with the towel I couldn’t help but wonder if there would be more blow jobs. Or would we skip that and go straight for the big stuff? I wasn’t averse to that idea, but part of me also thought it would be nice to have some grown-up conversation alongside orgasms.
When I arrived in the kitchen, still buttoning my shirt, Mom was cleaning work surfaces with a concerted scrubbing action that spoke of experience, Siobhan was rocking Mia and eating a cookie, and everything was calm.
“You look almost human.” Siobhan smirked.
“Ha-ha.” I stole the cookie from her hand and ate it in one mouthful, doing my best hamster impression. “Afternoon, Mom,” I said, although it sounded more like an mmph-flmph as crumbs flew everywhere. Seeing my mom in my house caused me to have the strangest reaction. I guessed it was shock, but I assumed that in the end, I would feel okay with it, and resolved to follow Siobhan’s insistence I give Mom a chance. Only, what if things changed? What if I trusted her and she turned on me again?
I still felt resentment in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t fight it most of the time. I had to come to terms with the echoes of past hurts. Mom glanced up from her cleaning, and her smile was cautious. I wanted to be able to hug her and reassure her because my thoughts were sharper, and I wondered if it was time for me to understand and forgive. Mia deserved to have her grandmother in her life. I wish I knew how I felt for real, but the only things I was certain about now were Mia, Siobhan, and my career.
Don’t forget Sean. You want to spend time with him, kiss him, maybe do way more with him.
Mom poured three coffees, and we took them out to the garden and sat in the shade. My house was elevated compared to next door, and I could see over the fence to the pool beyond. Who knew where this thing with Sean would lead? It might be all fireworks that flamed bright and then died in an instant. And wouldn’t that make us being neighbors a hundred kinds of uncomfortable?
Do I want sex that bad that I will maybe fuck everything up for us being harmonious neighbors?
“… so I said it was none of her freaking business and that she was a miserable old bat and that my son could do whatever the hell he wanted to do.”
“Huh?” I caught the tail end of whatever my mom had been getting worked up about. “What?”
“Sheila, you know, from my book club, going on about a child with two dads was bad enough, but you bringing a child into the world as a single father…” She waved her hand dramatically. “I stood up and gave an impassioned speech, and that put her in her place. Of course I’ve had to leave the book club.”
Siobhan gasped. “They threw you out? They can’t do that!”
“No, sweetheart.” Mom patted her leg. “I resigned as co-chair and left. They were all as bad as each other, bunch of middle-class wannabes with superiority complexes. They never approved of me having a gay son, and kept saying I must be a bad parent.” She glanced at me then, and there was that vulnerability in her eyes that made me feel like the bad guy. It seemed to me that her expression was one big question, and she was looking for reassurance that she hadn’t somehow made me gay with bad parenting skills. Yet again we had that barrier between us, and I couldn’t help the resentment returning. So much for finding peace. I could leave it, not challenge Mom’s cautious words, but I had Mia to think of, and I was sick of the innuendo.
“No one chooses to be gay or is forced to be gay because of parenting.” I was forceful, and I could see the minute Mom realized what she’d said, as she subsided miserably into the chair.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.” She held her coffee close to her chest, and I felt like the biggest fucked-up son on the planet. How could we ever move past everything if I didn’t take her word at face value that she was trying to be a better mom? I bet there would be a thousand times I’d mess up with Mia, and what would I want her to do if I did?
Forgive me. Understand I was from a different generation. Love me anyway.
“I know you say that, Mom. I’m still tired, and I still have all these old hurts.” I reached out and held her hand. “I’m trying.”
She teared up then, but I was done with seeing her cry. She needed to laugh, and we had to connect in happier times.
“What did the book club say about you leaving?”
She took my olive branch and ran with it.
“They said they didn’t care, but then, you know what they don’t realize? In the newsletter that I still sent, you’ll never guess what book is up for them to read next?”
I had to play along because I could see some kind of punch line coming. “What?”
“Call Me by Your Name.” She snorted a very un-mom-like laugh. Then Siobhan joined in, and finally the irony hit me as well, and I joined in the laughter. My laughter woke Mia, and I took her from Siobhan, adjusting her hat to shade her eyes.
“Hi,” Leo interrupted my thoughts as he called from over the fence, and he had to be standing on something to be able to see over, and I imagined him leaping the fence as Sean had in front of Siobhan.
I can’t believe I missed Sean vaulting a fence. How goddamn sexy would that have been? Maybe I could get him to give me a private vaulting experience.
“Hello, young man,” Mom said, and I sunk into my seat.
Surely, Leo would balk at being called that. Instead, he grinned even wider. “Ma’am,” he said and tipped an imaginary hat.
“Does he think he’s a cowboy?” Siobhan said under her breath.
“Call me Barbara. This is my daughter Siobhan, and you probably know my son, Asher.”
“Ash,” I corrected.
Leo crossed his arms on the top of the fence and leaned there. “I’ve already met our new baby daddy,” he observed. I hated that term because to me, it implied I only had Mia to help out a baby mommy. But there weren’t a lot of things I could do that would change how the world labeled me now and would forever label me.
Not just Dad, but Gay Dad, which needed some kind of trademark.
Mia wouldn’t have a dad. She would have the Gay Dad, but I was cool with that. I was going to raise a tolerant, understanding, beautiful child on my own, and I was going to look into the copyright for the title. So Leo was only teasing, but I kind of wished he wouldn’t when my mom was right there.
Do you know how much having a dad who is gay will shape your child? The words she’d shouted at me when I told her what I was doing were front and center. The meaning behind them seemed laced with poison.
And there it was again, the resentment at her brutal assessment of what I’d planned to do. My chest tightened, and not even Le
o’s smiling and joking were breaking through the hard shell I was erecting around me.
Then Sean joined him at the fence, and my stupid heart skipped a beat.
“Is this man bothering you?” Sean deadpanned, “or do I need to call the cops?”
Sean abruptly disappeared from view in a mess of flailing arms as Leo shoved him, and for a second I sat upright in my chair, only relaxing when Sean popped back up like a jack-in-the-box.
“Mrs. Haynes, Siobhan,” he said with a small wave, clearly none the worse for falling off whatever they were standing on.
Sean was a sight for sore eyes in his scarlet T-shirt, his arms crossed on the fence, and a broad smile splitting his face.
Leo stepped sideways and winced. “What!” he demanded, which made me think Sean had kicked him.
“Ask them,” he prompted.
“Well, you might as well ask them.”
“You said you would.”
It was like watching Laurel and Hardy, and somehow the tension in me uncoiled until I realized I was smiling.
“So we’re hoping to have a block party for the end of summer. You’re all welcome, but we don’t have a date yet, because it all depends on whether our shifts line up.”
“You don’t need to go into so much detail, dude,” Leo faux-whispered.
“We’d love to,” Mom said, and Siobhan echoed the sentiment.
Mia stirred on my lap and screwed up her face, all the warning signs for an imminent diaper change, and I stood up to take her inside. “Sorry, diaper change,” I explained.
Sean stood upright. Then in a smooth move, he vaulted the fence between our properties landed like a superhero on my side. He even did that whole pause thing bent in a crouch before standing up and brushing himself down.
That is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
“I’ll help,” he announced “meet you inside.” Then he sauntered into my house as if he owned the place.
Siobhan stood and side-hugged me. “We have to make a move, I want to miss the traffic back home. You gonna be okay, little brother?” She kissed Mia’s head and held out a hand to help Mom up. More kisses for Mia, a cautious hug for me from Mom, which I returned with disproportionate enthusiasm.
“I’m going to be good,” I said, and for the first time I wasn’t lying.
I waved them away, then headed inside. By now the diaper needed changing, but it was Sean who took Mia off me and carried her upstairs to the changing table, and it was him that changed Mia and spent a long time fussing her, kissing each of her toes, and humming as he worked.
“You feeling better now, princess?” he murmured and picked her up, patting her butt before turning to face me. His smile dropped, and it hit me I was staring at him like an idiot. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude—”
I cut off his words with a side-on kiss. “Do you know how hot that was? Vaulting the fence, then changing a diaper?”
He returned the kiss, but it was kind of awkward with Mia between us, and when she squawked at the delay in food, I took her from him and went downstairs to make a bottle. Heading to the sun-room, I then made us comfortable and listened as Sean cleared away mugs and plates into the dishwasher. For a few seconds, I could sit there and fantasize about what it would be like to have Sean in the house on a permanent basis, puttering around, sharing chores and my bed.
In fact, the complete opposite of being single.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” He set coffee on the small table at my side, then sat opposite me.
“You don’t have to be here helping me. If you have time off, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“Coming off nights, so I’m not back until eight in the morning, and I need to stay awake, try to get my routine back. Spending time with you and Mia is much more fun than sleeping.” He bent forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his fingers laced together. “You’ll come to the block party? You and Mia? And your family?”
“Mia and I definitely. I’m back working after this week, but I can fit in a day of fun.”
“The date will depend on shifts, and we might not be able to give much notice.”
That was an easy thing. “I work from home,” I explained.
“Are you getting a nanny?”
“No, jeez, it’s all on me. I need to get into a routine of working between feeds and sleeps, but it was always going to be me at home with Mia. Darius had been the one with the need to travel. What I do can be done from home mostly, and I’ve made good money, enough to own the house and not have to worry about working for a while.” Fuck, I sound so defensive.
“What is it that your ex does?”
“Marine biologist, worked out of San Diego when we first met, then London. Now he’s in Bali, or at least he was last I heard.” I didn’t mention he would be back in New York at some point in the future or that he wanted me to find a babysitter and fly all the way to the East coast as if it was nothing. He was over there. I didn’t know when, and I didn’t care. I was done with him, and I had Mia to think of and Sean sitting there all sexy after he’d just changed my daughter’s diaper.
When I thought of all those shallow years where all I’d looked for in a man was a tight ass and pecs, Sean was the complete opposite. Not that he didn’t have a tight ass or lacked pecs, but he was real, he had substance, and he was dangerous to my heart. I had to put Mia first in everything. No, that’s wrong, I wanted to put Mia first.
“So tell me more about what you do?” Sean asked and looked so damned earnest, as if my answer to this was the most important thing he was going to hear ever.
“Do you play video games?”
Sean sighed. “Not really. Spare time is me sleeping.”
“Well, that is what I do. I design characters.”
“Do you draw them?”
“No. I code the information that makes the drawings work, but I can sketch enough to get me by.”
“That’s impressive. I can’t even draw a stick figure. When I play Pictionary, I just stab at the stick man I always draw, as if that will help. Leo and Eric refuse to play with me, but then I refuse to play cards with them because they both cheat.”
I looked down at Mia, who was dozing off, with her bottle nearly finished. No one had told me how much a baby sleeps. Of course, I knew that sleep was a thing that babies did and that yes, I should sleep when she did, but it was clear to me that she was the most perfect baby in the entire world. Feeding, sleeping, pooping, my baby girl was the best at it all. Now if only I could work myself around to being the best dad, then everything would be good.
I yawned widely, and Sean stood. I wanted to tell him not to go, that I was fine and I wasn’t tired at all, but it was six now, and I knew Mia would be up at ten, and two, and then six in the morning, and I should make the effort to top off the sleep tanks.
Sean appeared to have a different idea. He led me upstairs, waited for me to put Mia in her crib, and then kissed me to the bed. We tumbled back on it, and he rolled onto his back and pulled me close, closing his arms around me and holding me tight.
“We both need sleep.”
At first, I was confused, but he settled back on the pillow, pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and held me.
And in that very moment the protection around my heart cracked enough that I knew he’d get inside. This man was dangerous.
Sean
When I was first home with my single beer, sitting on the edge of the pool with my feet in the water and my skin slippery from sunblock, I heard Mia crying and the soothing baritone of Ash singing nursery rhymes. The crying stopped, but the singing continued, carried to me on the breeze, and I felt all kinds of warm and fuzzy.
I had a date tonight with Ash, and anticipation was everything.
All I was waiting for was a text from Ash telling me Mia was fed and sleeping, and then I was taking over the beef stew I’d made, along with a basket of cornbread. It was simple food, but possibly the second tastiest thing I make after chili. I
wanted to be over there now, helping with Mia, but he’d explained that he wanted things to be chilled when I got there.
Was it wrong to want to spend time, just the three of us, doing normal stuff like bath and bedtime?
“Good shift?” Leo interrupted my thoughts as he sat next to me, Cap heading straight for the shade of the bushes.
Gun violence, vehicular chaos, cops and firemen milling around, a patient knocking our newest med student out cold.
“Meh, I’d give it a five.”
“A quiet day.”
“Always.”
We toasted each other with beer, sat for a few moments longer.
“So you and Ash, then?” he asked.
“Yeah, me and Ash.”
“He’s a good guy. We like him. He’s doing well with Mia.”
I guess it was only me who could see the cracks in Ash, the worries and insecurities. Was that a good thing? Or a bad thing?
Nothing bad was slipping into my thoughts right now. Hell, everything was sunshine. The detritus of Leo’s attempt at dinner was strewn across the kitchen, and it was fine. The fact that Leo had left his washing in the machine again, fine. That the remote control for the television had vanished altogether? That didn’t matter at all.
I have it bad. Even worse after holding Ash in bed. At first, I’d wanted to do more, I wanted to kiss him everywhere and maybe hold him down and carry him over the edge again. The expression on his face when I’d been sucking him had been exquisite.
When I’d woken at eight to the vibration of my watch alarm, I hadn’t wanted to leave Ash and had left a note where he would see it when he woke. I’d explained I was on the schedule at work, for the next day at least, knowing full well that my original twelve-hour shift was likely to extend way past that as it always did, but that if he was okay with it, I wanted to bring dinner to him on Friday. I asked him to text me if that wasn’t okay, and even though I checked frequently, there’d been no text to say no. I only realized after the tenth time of checking that I should have done it the other way around. Then we could have exchanged texts in what had been a long shift with crazy peaks of frenetic activity. The first text I’d gotten from him, an hour ago, said that Mia had woken up, and could we delay starting. My chest tightened at the instinctive reaction that Ash was canceling, but once I read what he sent, I texted back my most nonchalant cool with added smiley emoji.
