“You’re not bad.” He had to reinforce that. He couldn’t let this set her back.
“I think a bunch of people would disagree with you,” she argued. “He was taking pictures to prove I’m a bad mom. They’ll haul me into court and say that I was out having sex when I should have been home with my baby.”
Jill reached out. “That’s not true. Ashley, she’s asleep by eight o’clock. Sanctum doesn’t even open until ten. You’re there to put her to bed. Ryan’s mom is watching over her. You get to have a life.”
Ashley shook her head. “No. I don’t. At least not now. Until this is cleared up, I need to stay home with her. I can’t give them anything to use against me.” She looked up at Keith. “I think we need to modify our contract, Sir.”
“What does that mean?” He didn’t really want to know.
She looked at him, tears falling. “I can’t come here for a while. I’m sorry, Ian.”
Taggart held up a hand. “I agree it would be better for you to play privately until this blows over. I have some data entry work you can do from home. You’re still on the payroll and I’ll still take care of this. Your kid is the important thing here. We’ll all support you.”
Her shoulders shook. “Thank you.”
Taggart stood up. “I’ll have Adam call when he finds something out, Keith. I’ll give you two a minute.”
He stepped out and Jill and Ryan followed after they hugged her, giving Ashley promises to stand by her.
Keith sat watching, his whole body still as though he’d stepped on a land mine and wasn’t sure when it would go off. It would go off. The minute he stepped forward, it would blow up.
The door closed and he was left alone with Ashley, who had lobbed a grenade his way. He couldn’t get the image of his carefully planned world being blown all to hell out of his head.
“I’m sorry to drag you into this, Sir.” She reached out a hand for him. “But I have to admit, I’m so glad you’re here.”
But she wasn’t asking him to be here. He could be here every night. That wasn’t a problem. She was asking him to be there, at her home, with her and her baby.
He sat back in his chair, trying to put off the moment that had always been coming, the moment when he showed her how unworthy he was. He’d thought he had more time.
“I can’t.” He said the two words that meant the end of his relationship with her. “I can’t.”
* * *
Ashley could barely see him. Tears kept glossing over her vision, but unfortunately her hearing worked fine. “What do you mean? You can’t come home with me tonight? Could we go to your place? I have to admit, I’m kind of scared that they’ll show up on my doorstep.”
He was her Dom. He was supposed to protect her, comfort her. Comfort and protection sounded damn good right now. She was sure he had a big place. She and Emily wouldn’t take up too much space.
“I can’t.” He stared at someplace to her left, his face a blank mask.
She was confused. “You promised to help me. If it’s about the money, I can try to come up with it.”
His mouth tightened, the words grinding out. “I’ll handle the lawyer. I’ll pay for everything. I won’t let them take your kid, Ashley.”
She breathed a little easier. He’d been so good, holding her hand while they’d talked to the private investigator. He’d been a big old wall between her and the nasty world. “I can’t tell you how much I thank you for that. It’s okay if you can’t come over tonight. I’ll stay in the big house.”
He nodded, finally bringing his eyes up to her. “Good. You should. Ryan’s got a top-grade security system. He’ll take care of you.”
She knew that. She’d just wanted to spend time with him. Keith was busy. It was a Friday night, but he could easily have meetings on a Saturday. “Can I see you tomorrow night?”
He went still again, like a man who wasn’t sure what to say. He stared at her for a moment before slowly responding. “Of course. I’ll see you here at ten.”
Had he not listened to a word she’d said? “Keith, I can’t come here for a while.” It didn’t make sense. He didn’t act like a man who didn’t want to see her. “Please come over to my place. I need to see you.”
“We have a contract.”
Frustration welled. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“This is a D/s relationship, Ashley. I’m not your boyfriend. I’m your Dom. Our contract states we don’t see each other outside the club.”
“I thought you were supposed to take care of me. You can’t do that in the club right now. The world outside doesn’t give a crap that we have a contract, Keith. Reality doesn’t care that I signed on the dotted line.” Another, nastier thought occurred to her. “That contract also states that our training period ends in a couple of weeks. Were you going to dump me then? Was this relationship only supposed to last six weeks?”
His silence made her heart ache.
He’d been planning on leaving her.
He stood suddenly, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. We have weeks for me to figure it out. We can sign another contract. It doesn’t have to end.”
“But you’re thinking about it.” Even as he’d made love to her, he’d put an end date on their relationship. They had a really short shelf life.
“I think about a lot of things. Just because we’re seeing each other right now doesn’t mean we’ll want to later. You should know that better than anyone else. I offered you something concrete. I was going to stay with you for six weeks. After that, we negotiate another time period. I’ve always been honest with you about that.”
It still didn’t make sense. He’d been so willing to help her, so tender with her. “Is it because I told you I love you? I don’t have to say it.”
“You shouldn’t, Ashley.”
“Okay.” She’d known he didn’t really want that from her. God, how pathetic was she? She was standing here with a man she knew didn’t love her and she was still offering. “I won’t say it anymore.”
“No,” he replied with a harsh growl. “That’s not what I meant. You shouldn’t love me. I can’t…I can’t give you what you need. I can’t see you outside of this club. I don’t want a wife. I don’t want kids. I don’t want that kind of life and it’s so fucking easy to see that’s what you need. I want a sub I see at the club and forget about the minute I walk away. Do you understand? That’s what I’m offering you.”
What the hell was happening? She’d had a surge of hope when she’d walked into the conference room and he’d held her tight. “But you didn’t. You didn’t forget about me. You call me. You ask about my day.”
He shrugged, still not looking her in the eyes. “You asked for help with discipline.”
“But it wasn’t only about that. You asked about my classes and what I had for lunch. You wanted to talk to me. You talked about everything…” She got a little sick because the truth had been staring at her. She’d known it, but she’d ignored it. He’d just said it to her. “Would you see me outside the club if I didn’t have a baby?”
He paled. “Probably not. I don’t know.”
“Why?”
He was silent.
“I deserve an answer, Keith.”
“I don’t want kids. Not everyone wants them. I went so far as to have a vasectomy so it isn’t a problem. Do you understand?”
He was in his thirties. He had years to decide if he wanted a family. How could he have done that? Why would he take away any chance? “I don’t understand anything. You knew I had a kid. Why would you start a relationship with me if you hate kids so much?”
And how could she not have seen it? He was a caring person. She’d seen it in the tenderness he’d offered her. How could he not even want to meet Emily? She could understand not wanting to procreate, but to never want to be around one?
“You keep making the mistake of thinking this is a vanilla relationship where I’ll sleep over and you’ll make fucking pancakes, and
I’ll wake up one day and want five kids with you. I started a D/s relationship with you. I wanted you. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to dominate you.”
Every word that came out of his mouth contradicted his actions. “Stop lying to me. If all you wanted to do was fuck me, you could have done it that first night. I would have let you. If this was all you wanted, you shouldn’t have waited until tonight. So stop lying to me. I’ll find out. I won’t stop, you know. I might seem all soft and submissive, but I know how to fight for what I want.”
She might not win, but she was willing to fight for him.
His face went infinitely hard, his eyes narrowing, and for a second she wanted to take back every word. Just for the briefest moment, she was afraid of him. “Don’t. Don’t you try that shit with me. You might have been able to start a bar fight with that kid who knocked you up, but it will not end well with me.”
Anger won out over her fear. She stood right up to him. “Oh, I think it will end the same way because you’re not so different. You’re both scared little boys who can’t handle a little responsibility. Rich boys. You got a case of affluenza, Keith?”
“Don’t push me.”
She couldn’t stop herself. “I think I haven’t pushed you enough. You want a sub because you don’t really want to care about a person. That’s why you don’t want kids. You want your neat world where everything is written out and you can point at a contract and throw up your hands and tell me it’s not your responsibility. Maybe it’s a good thing you know you couldn’t hack it as a dad. If you did knock someone up, as you so lovingly put it, you would likely walk right out the door because a kid wasn’t in your precious contract. The real world doesn’t give a shit about your contracts, Keith.”
He crowded her, his face flushing a mottled red. “Do you want to know why I won’t get close to your little princess, Ashley? Why I won’t even meet your kid? Because I would look at her and wonder why she got to live when mine died.”
Tears clouded her whole world, and she felt like the ground had shifted under her feet. “What?”
He stepped back, breathing in long drags. “Our contract is void. I’ll get you your lawyer. Don’t call me again.”
“Keith? Don’t walk out.” They were too emotional. She’d said a bunch of things she didn’t mean. “I’m sorry. Don’t walk away from me.”
He didn’t look back.
The door closed and Ashley gave in. Tears took over, pain blanketing her. Pain for Trevor and the future he’d lost. He’d lost the chance to grow up and redeem himself. She cried for Keith, who was hiding so much pain. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t love her. She loved him.
And she cried for herself because she always seemed to lose.
She felt Jill’s arms go around her, but it didn’t matter because she would always be alone.
Chapter Ten
Keith stood outside the gates to the big mansion that sat squarely in the center of Bend River, Texas, population six hundred and thirty-five. Had Ashley stood here as a kid and looked up at that gorgeous house and wondered at the inequalities of life? He sure as fuck was doing that right now.
He’d stopped by the tiny house she’d been raised in. He hadn’t gotten out. Didn’t need to. One look at the run-down place was all he needed. She’d lived in that house a couple of years before. She’d been a girl from the poor side of town. No father. A bitter mother. How had she turned out so sweet and sunny?
God, he missed her. It was an actual ache in his gut. Five days had gone by at a snail’s pace, every stinking hour a reminder that he wasn’t good enough for her.
He wanted to know how she’d come out of her childhood with her whole heart intact because he hadn’t been able to do it. She’d had years of pain. He’d had a single moment and he was more damaged than she’d ever thought of being.
The gates began to open and he eased the car through. He had an appointment, after all.
He couldn’t give her much, but he could do this for her.
His cell rang, coming over the speakers of his car, and he touched the button to answer it. “This is Langston.”
Karina Mills’s very competent voice came over the line. “Are you ready?”
“I was born ready for this.” Karina was the only person he’d talked to from Sanctum since he’d walked out. He needed good intel for what he was going to do. Information made the world go round and Karina knew how to get it. She’d been in town for three days, digging up dirt on the Reids.
“You have the financials on the company, but I spent some time at a bar outside town. It took me about fifteen minutes to find someone willing to talk about the Reids. They’re not universally loved, if you know what I mean.”
He could imagine. If they’d been cruel to someone as sweet as Ashley, they likely made enemies easily. They probably weren’t the kind of enemies that had a ton of power, but all he needed were the kind who liked to gossip. “Did they give you any dirt?”
“Trent Reid has been having an affair with a woman from his church for about two years. She’s fifteen years younger than he is. Luckily he keeps regular appointments. Every Monday night when his wife has dinner with her sister he goes to a motel on the outskirts of the county. I got some very nice photos. If there’s one, there’s probably been a string of them. I need a couple of days and I can get you a catalog of Trent Reid’s mistresses. There’s also the question of several sexual harassment suits that disappeared after the women had big payoffs. Those will be harder to get. I’m sure they signed nondisclosures.”
“I won’t need them.” He pulled up to the big circular drive and put his Navigator in park. “I’m going to speak the only language I really need to. Keep that in our back pocket in case we need an ace. Keep looking. I don’t want him coming back at Ashley.”
There was a sigh over the line. “She misses you.”
He’d stopped himself from going to her house at least ten times. He’d driven by like a creepy pervert stalker, but he’d managed to make himself drive away. “It’s better this way.”
“We all miss you, Keith. Come back to Sanctum.”
He couldn’t. He missed Sanctum, too. It was the only place he felt really comfortable, and in those weeks he’d spent there, he’d found a weird little family. He missed betting with Derek on how long it would take before Ian swatted Adam upside the head. He missed the Brits bitching at each other about soccer teams and tea. But he mostly missed having Ashley in his lap, curled up and happy. “I can’t. Karina, when this is done, I won’t call again unless I need your services. I don’t expect to hear from you unless Ashley is in trouble.”
“Taking a hard line, huh?” She really didn’t put up with anyone’s shit. Keith liked how she managed to call him on his crap without being rude about it. She was a perfect mentor for Ashley, and Derek was an idiot for not slapping a collar around her throat. “I don’t understand it, Sir, but I will honor it. And I will help take care of Ashley. We all have our tragedies, our pain. What you haven’t figured out yet is that everything fades. Even the pain fades if you let it. I hope you figure that out before it’s too late. Good-bye, Master Keith.”
He sat for a moment, her words flowing over him. God, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, but at the end he came to the same conclusion. Even if he could get over his problems with being around kids, he couldn’t give Ashley what she would need. She was young. She would want more children. Emily would want a sibling. He’d grown up an only child, and he’d always wanted a brother. He couldn’t give that to them.
Or you could convince her to adopt, you stupid motherfucker.
His inner voice had started to sound an awful lot like Ian Taggart. It wasn’t a pleasant thing.
He’d started to wonder though. Was his reaction about grief—or anger? Had he been fooling himself all these years?
He shook off the thoughts. Forward. A man had to move forward. When he stopped, that was when the bad shit happened. He would move forw
ard with his life and Ashley would move on. She would find what she deserved. He would make sure of it.
Ten minutes later, he was shown into Trent Reid’s stately office. It was wood paneled and blatantly masculine. A massive desk dominated the room, and Reid sat behind it in the obvious power position.
Keith was sure the man had intimidated many an employee and prospective investor with this setup. Unfortunately for him, Keith didn’t give a shit about where he sat. Power, in this case, wasn’t about perception.
“Mr. Langston, please have a seat.” Reid didn’t stand, an obvious slight. He merely gestured to the small chair in front of the desk.
There was a massive portrait on the wall opposite Keith. It was of Trent, a slender woman with blonde hair, and a teenaged boy in a suit.
Reid gestured toward the portrait. “My wife and kid. We lost him a couple of months back.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
Reid nodded. “Yes, well, he wasn’t very responsible. I wasn’t hard enough on him. I’ll do better with my granddaughter. So, my CEO tells me you’re the man to take us to the next level. We’ve been stagnant for far too long. I believe this merger you’re proposing could move us up in the world.”
“Your stock has taken a hit lately.”
He waved it off. “The greenies came after us for toxic dumping or some shit. It was a two-day story. I’m not worried about that.”
Ashley would likely protest outside this guy’s house. She gave a crap about things like the environment. She would have pushed him to make ethical investments. She would have challenged him to think about something other than profits.
Why did that thought not make him wary? Why did it seem good to have a woman he loved playing the role of his conscience?
He loved her. The truth hit him squarely in the gut. He loved her, and there was nothing he could do about it.
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