Chapter Twenty-Seven
Maisie
I kept my eyes away from Beck. My dad’s comment had made my gut tighten and reminded me of everything I’d been conveniently ignoring about Beck. Of course, he’d be flirting and distracted.
I fiddled with my bracelet and then with the hem of my t-shirt, shifting my weight from foot to foot. I was uncomfortable in my skin. It was bad enough to be dealing with my dad here. I loved my dad. I really did. He just made me tired—his antics were so repetitive and always had been. So there was that. And then there was Beck. This whatever-the-hell we had going on was making me crazy. When it was just us, I could forget about what it meant outside of us. Yet, it had snowballed into something so much more, and I didn’t know what to do about any of it. It was awkward to be here with him. This was his territory, not mine. My dad’s comments had brought reality crashing down on me. I might not have been thinking about it consciously, but right now I realized I’d been letting myself get wishful. That needed to stop. Now.
When I’d been walking in with Amelia, it had been obvious that Janice was flirting with him. I presumed she was one of many women he flirted with. I might’ve shoved it to the back of my mind, but I hadn’t forgotten he had a well-known reputation as a flirt and a playboy.
I stood there awkwardly, while she chatted up pretty much everybody at the table, her body language shielding Beck. I twirled a lock of hair around my finger. I was jumping from one nervous habit to another. My stomach coiled tighter with anxiety, and I felt slightly sick. This was the thing, even though I could kind of try to convince myself that Beck and I had something, I wasn’t stupid. I knew I was nothing like most of the women he got involved with.
Maybe we had chemistry, maybe we had more than that. It didn’t matter when I didn’t know what he wanted. More importantly, I didn’t know what I wanted. We were at a crossroads, and I didn’t know how to handle it. The easy answer, the answer I wanted to be right, was to simply let things keep going as they were. It was too delicious to be with him, so tempting I could hardly stay away. But, if I let things keep going, I was moving into a danger zone. Knowing that my heart was already in a more fragile place than I’d ever wanted or anticipated, I could hardly bear to think how I might shatter if I let myself get hurt. If I took control, I could perhaps soften the blow. I didn’t want to think about how taking control was the way I protected myself. It was all I knew how to do.
With everybody gradually filtering away from the table and Cade and Amelia lingering and making small talk, Janice was nudged away from Beck’s side. I was relieved at that.
It doesn’t make a damn difference. Are you going to suddenly latch onto him now?
My snide side just had to get that little dig in.
Everything that was happening with us had been tucked into the shadows of my life. The fact it was slightly out in the open now with Janet and Amelia brought it into stark relief. I stood there, switching from twirling one lock of hair to another, fiddling with my bracelet, adjusting my shirt, and managing to make polite chit chat, all the while fortifying my resolve inside.
My dad was joking around about how long he was planning to stay in Willow Brook. That made me uncomfortable too. I didn’t like thinking about the fact that a big part of me preferred to keep him at a distance. I couldn’t imagine my dad changing much at this point in his life. His life was one haphazard event after another. He wasn’t a horrible man. It wasn’t like he beat me or was abusive. It was years and years of benign neglect and a life of messy chaos. I knew it meant that if he actually lived close to me, I would experience more of that. Unlike down in California, the ripples of his life would spread much farther here. Willow Brook was so small. In California, I’d been able to move five towns away. Even though it was only thirty miles away, he had plenty going on to keep himself otherwise occupied. Here, having my dad nearby would make it far harder to keep the clear boundaries I needed with him to stay sane.
Unfortunately, as we continued to linger, a few other women came along and flirted with Beck, hammering the point home that this was the guy he was—an easy-going flirt. His nickname Funtime Fireman was well earned, and I knew it. I hadn’t let myself think it consciously, but as I stood there, I realized I’d had this tiny, quiet hope that maybe because of the way I felt when I was with him something more could come of it. I needed to get a clue. Tonight might be the ideal time.
I almost laughed watching Amelia try to run interference. She managed to chase off one woman after another. Eventually she elbowed Cade in the side. “Let’s get the hell out of here,” she said, her eyes flicking from me to Beck. “We can head to our place if you’d like.”
Beck spoke up quickly. “I need to drop Hank off.”
“Hey, if we’re gonna keep playing cards, I’m game,” my dad piped in.
That is the last thing I want to deal with. A longer night of this.
My heart twisted when Beck slid his arm around my shoulders. “Nah, I think we’ll call it a night. I’ll drop you off,” he said with a nod to my dad.
He glanced down to me. My pulse had lunged the second he touched me. Around him, my body was always on high idle, just waiting for something to hit the gas pedal. His touch floored it. Yet, I steeled myself against it. I hated how out of control I felt around him.
“Amelia’s taking me home,” I announced abruptly, swinging to look her way.
She looked slightly surprised, but she covered it well with a quick nod. “Yup! You’re Hank’s taxi, and I’m Maisie’s.”
I slipped out from under Beck’s arm, giving a little wave before almost running out of the bar. Amelia was gracious enough to stay quiet for the first few minutes of our drive. She came to a stop at one of the few stoplights in Willow Brook. There was a line of campers in front of us, which meant we’d be taking our sweet ass time on the five-mile drive to my house. Campers crowded the typically clear highways of Alaska all summer long.
Amelia turned to look my way, her perceptive gaze making me shift in my seat.
“For the record, I don’t mind getting any of my friends out of a bind, but what the hell is going on?” she asked.
Before I had a chance to reply, she continued, “I mean, Beck is somehow in charge of dealing with your dad. Which you don’t seem to mind, by the way. But you could hardly get away from him fast enough. With the way you were looking at him earlier, I figured you’d stopped fighting with yourself about him. What gives?”
I looked forward, wishing like hell we weren’t sitting stuck behind a camper. If we weren’t, Amelia would have to pay attention to the road. Instead, we inched forward when the light changed and then came to another stop.
My stomach was churning, and my heart hurt a little.
“Well?”
Okay, so my friendship with Amelia might be on the new side, but she was proving my judgment about her to be accurate. She used to intimidate the hell out of me, what with the fact she was about as badass of a woman as I’d ever seen. I’d come to learn she was friendly, warm-hearted and the kind of friend who had your back. She also didn’t let up when she had a question.
“Fine. Sure, we have a thing. I like him. A lot. But it’s crazy. I mean, I’m nothing like the women he usually gets involved with. I don’t think I can handle it if I let things go much further and then it all blows up in my face. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being alone,” I explained, flinching a little at the stoic tone of my voice.
The light changed again, and Amelia looked ahead. This time two whole campers made it through the intersection before we had to stop again. Amelia looked back to me, her hand resting atop the steering wheel.
“So you’re scared then,” she said.
It wasn’t a question, more of a statement.
I felt myself getting annoyed. To be honest, I felt downright bitchy. This was my go-to place inside, the place where I felt like I had control.
“I’m not scared,” I protested, looking away from her to stare out
the window.
It was going on ten o’clock and the long, slow dusky evening was reaching its end. Denali rose tall in the distance, a beacon on the horizon. The sun had left streaks of deep red and orange in its wake. My heart was banging hard and fast in my chest, and my stomach hurt. The intensity of my feelings for Beck was too much, like a wave crashing over me and sweeping me out to sea. Though it wasn’t quite the same, the loss of control was similar to how I’d felt for my entire childhood. I’d achieved a sense of stability and peace in the shifting sands of my life by making a place for myself here—alone—in Willow Brook, and away from the chaos my father left in his wake.
I didn’t want to invite any kind of chaos back into my life.
It’s different with Beck. It feels good. Really good.
Sex is what feels good. The rest is a big mess.
Amelia’s breath came out in a slow sigh. The light changed again, and this time we got through. She turned onto the highway, quiet for a few moments.
“It sounds like maybe you should actually talk to Beck,” she said as we passed by a field with the silhouettes of two moose in the distance.
“Talk?” was my brilliant response.
“Yes, talk. Look, I get why you might be worried. This is definitely not what Beck usually does. But he doesn’t usually date anyone. He has these off the cuff flings that never last more than a week or two. I’ve known him since we were little. I can tell you he has never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. Just don’t slam the door on it without at least trying to talk it through. Trust me, I did that once and it was the biggest mistake of my life.”
“What do you mean?”
She turned down the road leading to my house, flicking her eyes to me and back to the road.
“Well if you didn’t hear the rumor mill cranking away when Cade first moved back to town, we’d had an ugly break up over gossip gone wrong. I could’ve saved myself seven years of missing him and almost being stupid enough to marry someone else if I’d talked to him,” she said bluntly.
“Yeah, but it’s not like Beck and I have anything like you and Cade,” I countered quickly, too quickly.
She turned down my driveway and rolled to a stop in the circle in front of the house. Angling toward me, she arched a brow.
“You’ve got an answer for everything. Well, it’s up to you. All I’m saying is I think Beck’s worth it. I promise I wouldn’t say a damn thing if I didn’t see the way he looked at you.”
My throat was tight with emotion. I swallowed and tried to breathe it away, but it wasn’t budging. I finally nodded. “Okay. I’ll think about it.” I paused, staring out the window and watching the shadow of a bird shift across the ground just beyond her headlights.
“Thanks for the ride home,” I said.
“Anytime. Call if you need anything.”
Even that casual comment felt loaded. She couldn’t know how hard it was for me to allow anyone to be there for me. I managed to thank her for the ride and say goodbye. I climbed out and walked onto the porch beside the kitchen, turning to watch her taillights disappear down the driveway, the little red lights glimmering in the wispy, almost-darkness.
I walked into my quiet house. For a moment, I was relieved. It was just me. I thought about taking a bath to unwind. The moment was followed with a piercing sense of loneliness. How could Beck have knocked through my defenses so ruthlessly fast? He’d only spent a few nights here, and I missed him acutely.
I gave myself a shake and straightened my shoulders. This would pass. It would have to. I stomped upstairs, annoyed with myself and the precarious state of my heart.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Beck
I jogged up the steps on the side porch at Maisie’s house, knocking quickly on the kitchen door. I’d dropped Hank off and raced out here. I’d be damned if I was going to let her blow me off. When she didn’t answer, I raised my hand to knock again just as the door swung open. She stood there, her features tense and her eyes angry.
“Maisie, what the hell is going on?”
“Nothing,” she replied flatly.
I was scrambling in my mind, trying to get a foothold on whatever had shifted between us. It didn’t help that I’d had zero experience with this kind of situation. I never let things go far enough with any woman to have to worry about emotional misunderstandings, or whatever this was.
“Everything was fine this morning. I know things were nutty today with your dad around, but you seem pissed. At me.”
She shrugged, her expression giving nothing away.
“Everything is still fine. Let’s just say I came to my senses. I appreciate your help with my dad today, but I have to take care of him myself.”
My heart was pounding so hard it hurt, and I felt slightly sick. I also felt panicked. I didn’t panic. Ever. But she was shutting me out, and I didn’t know why.
“If everything’s fine, then I suppose I can come in,” I countered, unable to keep the hint of sarcasm out of my tone.
I was getting pissed. I doubted it would help, but anger was the only emotion that made sense right now.
Her eyes narrowed. “You can’t come in. Look, tonight reminded me of some things. I need to take care of myself, and I need to stop being ridiculous about you. You know as well as I do, I’m nothing like most women you get involved with. I’d say you should head back to your distractions.”
Her mouth twisted when she said ‘distractions.’ I knew she was referencing her father’s cavalier comment about me being distracted. I was furious, if only because I hadn’t been distracted. I sensed her father didn’t want anyone too close to Maisie who might get in the way of his guilt-tripping her.
I stared at her. “What the hell, Maisie? You’re not being fair.”
She threw her hands up. “Stop it, Beck. Just stop it. This… this thing with us isn’t serious and won’t ever be. You’re kidding yourself if you think it will be. Right now, I’m the flavor of the month for you. I can’t…”
She paused and for a second I thought I saw tears in her eyes. I started to reach for her, but she swatted my hands away, shaking her head rapidly.
“I can’t do this, Beck. I just can’t.”
At that, she shut the door in my face. I knocked again.
“Maisie, talk to me. Don’t do this,” I called, speaking into the damn door.
The only reply I received was the call of a raven nearby in the trees. After several futile minutes of knocking, I turned away. Part of me wanted to break down the door, but I needed to regroup. There weren’t many things I was certain of, but I was confident Maisie wouldn’t respond favorably to me forcing her door down.
I left with my heart aching and my mind spinning over how to make this right with her.
* * *
I slammed my truck door behind me and walked through the cool drizzle into Firehouse Café. It had been two full days since Maisie had effectively told me to fuck off. I could push the issue if I wanted, but something told me she needed the space. I was an action kind of guy, or so I’d come to learn the last two days. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I didn’t have control of a situation. As a firefighter, I was steeped in contingencies. When one plan was thrown awry due to elements beyond my control—the wind, the rain, a lightning strike—I simply moved on to the next plan.
Here I’d thought fighting wildfires deep in the wilderness was hard. I’d had little clue of what it felt to have my emotions held hostage. I hadn’t anticipated what it would be like to hunker down in an emotional storm when I felt driven to do something, anything to create the outcome I wanted. At the moment, I wanted to storm over to Maisie’s place and demand she let me back in.
And what, man? Let you back in, so you two can keep burning the sheets up? What else?
I nearly growled at that skeptical voice. I hadn’t expected any of this to go the way it had. Yet, I’d come to terms with how much Maisie meant to me. Which was precisely why I was forcing myself not to pressure
her. Not yet. If this went on much longer, all bets were off. The thing was, Maisie was it for me. Even contemplating a return to my days of a little fun here and there when I could find it made me restless and annoyed. I knew damn well all I’d be thinking about was Maisie and what I was missing. So here I was, hanging back and waiting. I knew I wouldn’t wait too long, but for now, I figured it was best. Especially with Maisie’s dad still around town.
I laughed to myself as I stepped into the café, my senses assailed by the scent of rich coffee, a variety of foods, and the contrasting warmth in here from the damp cold outside. I couldn’t quite believe that most of my spare time the last two days straight had been spent mulling over the best way to approach Maisie. Worrying about what someone else might think wasn’t something I did often. Well, I wasn’t worried about what she thought. I was worried about how she felt. That was a novel experience for me.
Work had kept my schedule busy. Our training exercises had been interrupted by a large fire on the outskirts of town. Some hikers passing through had stupidly violated the no-campfires rule in a reserve and set a dry section of the forest on fire. All of our crews had been busy in a round the clock rotation to deal with it. As a result, I hadn’t even seen her at the station. My crew was on the early rotation, which was when she was working.
It was later afternoon now, I was tired, dirty, covered in soot and smelling like smoke. I was hoping to catch a few minutes to talk with Janet, along with grabbing a cup of my favorite coffee. I glanced around at the crowded café. This place was busy no matter what. Summers made it even more so with the tourists pouring into town. Throw some rain on their plans, and every store and restaurant in town was packed.
I headed for the back of the line at the counter. I’d only been there for a second when I heard my name. I glanced up to see Janet standing in the swinging doorway into the kitchen behind the counter.
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