by Hamel, B. B.
“See, Coach, that’s where you’re wrong,” I tell him. “I didn’t lose that game as much as you think I did. We lost as a team. And I’ll bet that if I weren’t on that field, it would’ve been a fucking slaughter.”
Coach just shrugs. “Anything else?”
“Nah. That’s all.” I stand up. “When you’re ready to win, you let me know.”
I turn and leave that office. I’m not going to sit there and fucking beg him to keep me in.
Man’s gotta have some pride, after all.
As I head down the hall, I hear footsteps behind me. “Think it’s a good idea to chase after me?” I ask Nicole.
She shrugs and falls into step. “It’s fine. He knows where I stand.”
“He knows how much you like me, though?” I turn to face her.
She doesn’t take the bait. “Cody isn’t going to step up. He’s just not ready. I’ve been watching him and I don’t think he’s at speed yet.”
“Maybe not. But your old man thinks he is.”
“Dad just wants to punish you.” Her face clouds for a second. “He’s a good man, but he just…”
“He can be an asshole.”
“Yeah. I guess you could put it that way.”
“Look, you don’t have to explain. You don’t owe me anything. In fact, I’m the one that owes you.”
She bites her lip. “Look, River, we don’t—”
“No, you look.” I step closer to her, staring down. We’re alone in the hallway but I should be careful. Her father could step out at any second and see this. “I’m not just playing for myself anymore, you hear me? This isn’t just about what I want.”
“What’s it about then? You’re going to tell me this is about me?”
“It’s about you,” I say softly. “And it’s about that baby. It’s about you realizing that I’m going to take care of you.”
“Yeah, well, worry about getting back on that field first.”
I nod once. “I will.”
“Good. I’ll work on Dad. He’ll come around.”
“I’m sure he will, especially after we lose this weekend.”
She hesitates a second. “Listen, River. About the other day—”
“It’s fine,” I cut her off. “We don’t have to make a habit of it.”
She looks like she wants to say something but instead she just turns and walks off.
I watch her go. I don’t know why I was so hard on her there. I guess I’m angry and lashing out a little bit. But the truth is, I want to make a habit of her. I really, really want to make a habit of her.
She’s the kind of thing I need in my life. Something worth fighting for. My whole life I’ve just played for my own sake, to make money, to be famous, to be the best. It was never about anything but my own wants and needs above all else.
Now though, with that baby inside of her, there’s something else for me to live for and play for.
She doesn’t believe me and I don’t blame her. I’m the kind of man that has done nothing but whatever’s in my own best interests for a very long time. I have that reputation for good reason.
I’m done with that now though. She doesn’t see it yet but she will. I’m going to taste her, sooner or later, and I’m going to have her.
Everything I do from here on out… it’s for her and that baby.
* * *
The week flips past like a card on the wind.
I rehab, I work out, I practice. Coach gives me an official injury designation and tells the press that I’ll be sitting.
Cody is fucking terrified.
“You’ll be fine,” I say to him Saturday afternoon at the end of the session. “Keep your head up. Keep moving. Throw quick. You’ll be fine.”
“They’re gonna kill me,” he whispers, looking genuinely afraid.
He’s not wrong, though. Defenses love rookie QBs. Guys love to try and hit a new QB, just to get him a taste of what it’s like to play on the big stage.
“You’ll be fine,” I repeat.
“How did your first game go?” he asks me.
I shrug. “It wasn’t bad.”
I don’t tell him that I was sacked twice and threw an interception. I don’t tell him that it was nearly the end of my career. If my second game hadn’t been absolutely stellar and every game after that nearly magical, I would’ve been finished.
“Yeah, okay,” he says, taking a breath. “I’ll be fine.”
Poor fucking kid. The next day, Sunday afternoon rolls around, the game starts, and Cody is anything but fine.
He’s shaky and nervous and can barely control himself. He’s wandering around the field during warms-up like a lost puppy.
“Still think you’re right?” I ask Coach just before kickoff.
He doesn’t bother answering.
All things told, Cody doesn’t do too badly. He doesn’t fumble the ball, doesn’t throw any interceptions. He just looks… timid, afraid. He’s scrambling around, taking one yard where he should throw for six. He’s sliding early, avoiding hits, running out of bounds instantly.
He’s afraid. I don’t get it.
I’ve never been afraid of a hit. I mean, you can’t play this sport without taking hits. Doesn’t matter if you’re a kicker or a QB, you’ve gotta take the hits sooner or later. Cody’s been playing long enough to know that. You get hit, you get up, and you move on. That’s just how it goes.
But he looks terrified. I’m not sure everyone can see it, but I can practically smell his fear from the sidelines.
We’re down by two scores at halftime.
“You should put me in,” I say to Coach. “I can make it up.”
“Sit down,” he growls at me before walking off to yell at Cody for ten minutes.
Nicole catches my eye and just shakes her head.
I spend the rest of the game on the bench. It fucking sucks, but there is a part of me that’s relieved to watch Cody suck it up so badly. The game ends and we get clobbered. The only time we score points is when Chet hits a couple nice field goals.
The locker room is like a bomb went off. Everyone is avoiding Cody, nobody bothering to look at him. It’s like last week, except this time everyone knows it’s his fault.
“Oh, god, I was awful,” Cody says to me quietly. I feel a little bad for the guy and can’t help but sit next to him.
“You weren’t that bad,” I say.
“Are you kidding me? I was pathetic.”
“Okay, yeah. You were.”
“What the hell am I gonna do?”
“Take up meditation.”
He blinks for a second. “You fucking joking?”
“I’m serious. You choked so hard out there I’m surprised your face isn’t purple. You need something that’ll help center you a little bit.”
“Meditation,” he repeats. “That’s some sports psychology bullshit.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. I don’t care. But it helped me.”
“You meditate?”
“Sure. Used to, anyway, back when I started.”
“Huh.” I can see the gears turning.
I slap him on the back. “Good luck.”
I get up and walk away, shaking my head. Poor kid. Chet gives me a huge grin when I pass him.
I head back into the facility and find Coach. He’s huddled up with the other position coaches, discussing the game. I knock on the door and peek my head in.
“Got a second?” I ask.
Coach looks up. “Later, River.”
I smile sweetly at him. “I think I want to do this now.”
He clenches his jaw. “River—”
“I want to start next week. I’m healthy and you damn well know Cody isn’t going to carry this team. You want to win? You put me back under center.”
Coach works his jaw and glares at me. “You got anything else to say?”
All the coaches are staring in my direction and I just smile right back. They all fucking know what this is about.
It’s just Coach’s ego, plain and simple. He can’t get past it now. He’s pissed he was wrong when he put Cody in that game and he can’t admit it.
“Nah,” I say. “That’s all.”
Nicole’s waiting for me in the hall when I leave. She shakes her head. “You don’t have to push him like that,” she says. “I was already talking to him.”
“I wanted to.”
“Why?”
“Because he doubted me and he really shouldn’t have.”
She sighs. “River, come on. You’re just as bad as him.”
“I doubt it.”
“Seriously, you’re both a bunch of egomaniacs. He can’t admit he was wrong putting Cody in and you can’t admit that maybe he had good reasons. You were hurt, after all.”
“I was, but I’m not anymore.”
“Fine, whatever.” She sighs. “You’re frustrating, you know that.”
“I know that.” I grin at her, cock my head. “Want to go find an empty room and work some of that frustration out?”
She rolls her eyes. “Is that really all you think of?”
“When it comes to you, absolutely.”
She shakes her head and walks past me. She opens the door and steps into the conference room, joining the other coaches.
I grin and walk off.
This hasn’t been the best week… but at least I got the start back.
Now I just have to do something with it.
If not for me, then for that girl and that baby.
15
Nicole
The guilt is tearing me to pieces.
I know I don’t need to tell my father anything. I’m an adult, after all. I can make my own decisions, choices, and mistakes. He knows that and he doesn’t treat me like a child.
But I also know that having this relationship, whatever it is, with River is a total ethical problem.
Even on top of that, I’m afraid that my decision-making is going to be impaired because I want what’s best for River. I’m afraid I’m going to advocate for him simply because I like him, not because he’s the best man for the job. I don’t think that’s what I’m doing now with trying to get him back as the starter, but maybe it is.
I just don’t know. And that indecision is driving me insane.
I need to come clean. Every day I go without telling my dad is another day where it just keeps eating at me.
“Don’t,” River says to me on Tuesday. He’s staring at me with such intensity that I’m almost afraid he’s going to reach out and grab me. “Just don’t.”
“I have to,” I say. “I’m sorry. But he has to know about this.”
River shakes his head slowly. “What do you think’s going to happen?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “But Dad has always been there for me. He’s… understanding.”
“You really think so? You really think your father is going to be okay with you getting pregnant from one of his players?”
I bite my lip and look away. “I don’t know. I don’t think he’ll be happy about it, but I don’t think he’ll go insane.”
“You’re dead wrong,” he says softly. “Listen, for your own sake, don’t do it. He might take it out on me, and fine, whatever. I can handle that. But you… just trust me, Nicole. You don’t want to do it.”
I don’t argue with him. I know he might be right.
But I have to do it anyway.
I’m not sure I can adequately describe how close I am with my dad and how much it hurts to keep this from him. More than that, I’m totally lost and alone with this baby thing and I want some help. He’s been there, even if it’s been a long time. Maybe he’ll be mad at me now but he’ll get over it sooner or later.
And I need his help when this baby comes. I want him to be in this baby’s life and in my life, and the longer I wait, the worse it’ll be. I won’t be able to hide this forever.
So I should get it over with. Tell him the truth and move on.
I don’t work up the nerve until Thursday morning. I’m practically shaking when I come into his office. He’s watching tape on his computer and just looks up with a grunt. “Morning,” he says.
I shut the office door. “Have you been here all night?”
“Nah. Just got in an hour ago.”
It’s barely past six, so he’s been here since five. The man sure does love to work.
I pace a little bit in front of his desk, not sure how to begin. He finally looks up from his screen. “You okay, honey? You look nervous.”
“I need to tell you something,” I blurt out. I face him and I can feel myself practically trembling.
“Oh, okay.” He sits back, looking surprised. “Are you okay? You look scared, sweetie. You’re freaking me out.”
“Listen, Dad. I love you. Please don’t be too mad.”
“Okay,” he says softly. “I love you too, honey. But I can’t promise I won’t get mad.”
“I just…” I trail off, staring at the floor. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“Honey, just tell me. What happened?”
“I’m pregnant.”
The words hang in the air between us for a long moment.
“You’re pregnant,” he repeats.
“Yeah,” I say and finally meet his gaze. He looks more confused than angry… which is a good sign.
“How?” he asks.
“Do you really want to know?”
He turns red. “No, that’s not what I mean.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “It’s stupid, it was a stupid mistake and I’ve been paying for it ever since. I’m so sorry.”
“Who?” he finally manages to ask.
I groan a little bit. “Do you need to know?”
“Honey, I mean, I don’t have to know. If you don’t want me to. I just hope it isn’t someone here.”
I stare at the floor and don’t say a word.
“Okay,” he says slowly. “Someone on the team?”
“Dad,” I whisper. “Please. I’m sorry.”
“One of the players?” His voice is getting harder now. “Honey, is it one of the players?”
I nod once. I’m not able to meet his eyes.
“Oh, fuck,” he curses. “Who did this to you? Which one of those motherfuckers touched you, Nicole?”
“Please, Dad,” I say. “It doesn’t matter, okay? I’m pregnant. I got myself into this mess. He’s not in the picture.”
“He damn well better be in the picture. Do you know how much these guys get paid? He damn well better fucking take care of you at least financially. Which one of those bastards touched you? I’ll make sure he fucking pays, damn it.”
Anger’s rising in his voice. I can’t tell him who it is. He’ll go ballistic.
“Dad,” I say.
“Damn it, Nicole.” He slams his hands on the desk. “One of the players? What the hell were you thinking?”
I finally meet his gaze. I’m trying not to cry but it’s so hard. He’s livid, bright red, jaw clenched, eyes wide. He’s breathing fast and I’m afraid he’s about to explode.
“It was River,” I say softly.
He blinks rapidly like a bright light just went off in his eyes.
“River?” he repeats. “What?”
“River,” I say. “I’m sorry, Dad. It was a stupid mistake. He already said he’ll step up and help and—”
“He knows?” His voice is a roar.
“He knows,” I say.
“And you’re just telling me now? You and that fucking dumb asshole have known that you’re pregnant this whole time and you haven’t told me?”
“Dad—”
“No,” he says, standing. He slams his fists down again. “Goddamn it, Nicole. River is the worst fucking person you could get involved with. Do you know what kind of man he is?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. It was a mistake.”
“He’s a fucking lowlife. He’s scum. The only reason he’s on this team is because he’s good at playing this stu
pid fucked-up game and he was fucking cheap. How could you, Nicole? How could you?”
I back away from him, the tears coming now. “I didn’t— I didn’t mean—”
“You didn’t mean to?” he fires at me. “Are you insane? Are you saying he forced you?”
“No! It was just a stupid mistake and—”
“And now you’re pregnant by my fucking quarterback, that arrogant piece of shit. Is that why you’ve been pushing me to put him back in?”
“No, Dad, it’s because—”
“You fucked up, Nicole. You really fucked up.”
I stagger back away from him. I expected him to be mad, maybe disappointed, but this? I didn’t expect this at all.
“Dad, please—”
“River!” Dad comes around the desk suddenly and charges for the door. “River, damn you!”
“No!” I scream but it’s too late. Dad is already running into the hallway, shouting at the top of his lungs.
“River, I know you’re here, you motherfucker! You piece of shit!”
“Dad, stop!” I run after him. He’s jogging through the halls, shouting for River, ignoring me. Fortunately it’s still really early so most of the guys aren’t here yet.
But River’s here, of course he’s here. He’s always here, early in the morning and late at night. He steps out of training room, looking tired and confused as Dad roars and barrels right into him.
I’ve never seen Dad tackle anyone in my life. He does a pretty good job, all things considered. He runs right into River and takes him by surprise, knocking him to the floor. Both men hit the floor in a tangle of limbs.
“Fuck!” River shouts. “What the fuck?!”
“You bastard! You bastard!” Dad is hitting him, punching him, and River is trying to push him off.
They struggle on the floor until two of the trainers finally jump in and pull them apart. Dad is disheveled, red in the face, and breathing hard. River stares back at him, his face neutral, a little blood dripping from his nose where Dad hit him.
“You bastard,” Dad growls. “I’m going to make sure you never work in this game again. You’re going to be a fucking pariah, River. A fucking pariah. I can’t wait for you to retire and start selling used cars, you scumbag.”
