Chapter 16
Sarah could barely stand to look at Alice, but she didn’t confront the woman. What would she say? “By the way, are you sharing my husband’s bed?” Nothing would be gained. After all, her husband wouldn’t allow her to dismiss the woman who now warmed his bed.
It had been a week since she’d approached James, hoping to put an end to their estrangement. While it hardly seemed possible, she saw even less of him than before. She’d taken to having dinner in her room the past few days, unable to hide her low spirits from James’s mother and sister while he remained absent.
A soft knock at the door signaled that her maid wished to collect her dinner tray. Sarah rose and steeled herself to betray none of her hurt.
Alice entered and dipped a brief curtsy before turning to remove the tray. She was so pretty it almost hurt Sarah to look at her. Tears began to sting her eyes, and she had to turn away. Instead of leaving with the tray, she heard Alice move behind her.
“My lady?”
Sarah took a couple of deep breaths and turned to face her maid.
“I need to tell you something, and I’m afraid you’ll be unhappy.”
A kick to her stomach would have hurt less than those words. “Perhaps we can just continue as we have been.” They were the words of a coward, but Sarah wasn’t sure she possessed the strength to have this conversation.
Alice frowned. “His Lordship said you would understand.”
Sarah’s legs threatened to give way, and she sat heavily on the edge of the bed. “This concerns my husband?”
Alice shook her head. “Not directly, no, but he does know about it.”
A tiny spark of hope flickered to life within her. “So what you wish to discuss… it isn’t about James?”
There was no mistaking the confusion on Alice’s face. “No, my lady. I know I should have told you that day you saw me leaving the dressing room, but I was in such a state, and I couldn’t be sure how you would react.”
Sarah looked down into her lap where her hands were resting and noticed that they were shaking. She clutched them together to stop the trembling and looked back at her maid. “What did you wish to discuss?”
Alice swallowed heavily before replying. “My relationship with Fenton.”
Sarah had to remind herself to breathe. “My husband’s valet?”
Alice nodded. “We’ve…” She hesitated, and Sarah wanted to shake the words from her. But she waited while her maid visibly gathered her courage. “He’s asked me to marry him.”
Her words came out in a rush, and for a moment, Sarah thought she’d misunderstood her.
“So last week when you rushed into the room from the dressing room…”
Alice clenched her hands before replying. “We were having a romantic moment. But it wasn’t something we’d planned. We’ve been very careful to make sure our relationship doesn’t affect our work. I was putting away the new dresses that had arrived for you, and I think he was arranging His Lordship’s cravats…”
Sarah could picture the scene. “And my husband entered his room then.”
Alice nodded, clearly embarrassed. “I rushed in here, which you saw, and Fenton went out to attend to Lord Hathaway.”
Relief swept over her, so intense that for a moment she found it difficult to breathe.
“I was afraid we’d both be dismissed from our positions, but Fenton spoke to His Lordship recently and he gave us his blessing. But you’ve been so out of sorts lately. I was afraid you’d learned of our relationship and disapproved.”
This time it was Sarah’s turn to be embarrassed. She should have known that James wouldn’t betray her with her maid.
“When you rushed out of the dressing room, disheveled, and I saw my husband was in his bedroom, I’m afraid I jumped to the wrong conclusion.”
The look of horror on the young woman’s face was almost comical. “Oh no, my lady. How could you think I would do something like that? I would never betray you in such a way.”
It wasn’t wise, but Sarah needed to speak to someone about her feelings even if that someone was her maid. No doubt the entire household staff already knew that she and her husband were estranged, so it wasn’t as though she’d be revealing any secrets.
“My pregnancy has been hard on our marriage. We’ve had to be apart, and you know how men are. They will find their amusements elsewhere. I apologize for thinking the worst of you, but when you came out looking as you did…”
“His Lordship cares for you. He wouldn’t betray you.”
Sarah glanced away and took a deep breath before replying. “I wish I could believe you, but his absences every night lead me to think otherwise.”
Alice shook her head, her expression earnest. “No, my lady. It doesn’t mean what you think. I didn’t say anything earlier because it wasn’t my place to intrude, but I believe you need to know the truth. His Lordship has spent every evening at home. He stays up late in his study and then retires to a bedroom in the guest wing. Fenton told me that your husband is concerned only about your health and has decided it is best if he stays away while you are increasing.”
So many conflicting emotions rioted within her, she had to close her eyes for a moment. “No,” she breathed.
Alice nodded. “It is true. The entire staff knows that His Lordship is devoted to you.”
Sarah resisted the urge to laugh, knowing the sound would only come out tinged with bitterness. It appeared that the fates had played a cruel joke on her. How could the entire staff know her husband better than she did?
“There is one more thing,” her maid said.
“And what is that?” Sarah prompted when Alice hesitated.
“Fenton told me this in confidence. He must never learn that I told you, but I feel it is vital you know.”
Sarah managed to breathe evenly. “I promise no one will know.”
Alice nodded. “His Lordship doesn’t believe he is worthy of you. He thinks you are too good for him and that he did you a disservice in convincing your parents to allow him to marry you.”
Sarah had never hated herself more than she did in that moment. She had done that to him. James was everything a woman could ever want in a husband. Certainly he was more a man than Robert had ever been. Yet, to protect herself from being hurt, she’d hidden the fact that she’d loved him almost from the beginning of their marriage.
She stood and squared her shoulders, prepared to do battle with her stubborn, too-good-to-be-believed husband. “Where is Lord Hathaway right now?”
Chapter 17
Her conversation with Alice played over and over in her mind. She still couldn’t believe she’d thought he was spending his nights with her maid when, in fact, he’d been hiding from her in a different part of the house. All because he cared for her and wanted to ensure her safety.
With the clarity of hindsight and with a light shone on all the dark, suspicious places in her mind, it all made sense to her now. She remembered just how stricken he’d been when she bled early in her pregnancy. Since that day, she’d convinced herself that he’d cared only about keeping his potential heir safe and that he’d decided to relieve his very healthy sexual appetite elsewhere. But she’d misjudged him in every way possible.
The fact that he believed himself unworthy of her was so far from the truth it almost hurt to contemplate. Her heart clenched as she acknowledged that she had been the cause of that. She’d convinced herself that all men were like her father and like Robert—selfish and only concerned about themselves. And in her zealous desire to protect herself from being hurt, she’d in turn hurt a man who had done nothing to deserve such treatment. In the end, she’d only succeeded in making both herself and her husband unhappy.
James… the man she loved.
She had to go to him, to tell him—and to show him—that she cared for and desired him above all other men. And God help her, she’d even bare her own heart and confess her love. It was more than she deserved that he’d love her, but
she would learn to be content to have their relationship return to how it had been before everything had fallen apart.
She wrapped herself in her dressing gown and made her way down the dark hallways to his study. At six months of pregnancy, she feared she was beginning to waddle. But she’d occasionally caught the heated glances he cast her way when he hadn’t started to avoid her completely, giving her hope that he still found her desirable. Her greatest problem, however, would be overcoming his reluctance to act on that desire.
Feeling more certain about her course of action than she’d ever been in her life, she knocked on his study door and waited for his permission to enter. When it came, she gathered her resolve about her like a cloak—knowing that her husband would do everything in his power to send her away—and entered the room.
James was sitting at his desk, his elbows on the surface and his head cradled in his hands. He looked the picture of defeat, and words failed her.
When she didn’t speak, he looked up. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw her. He rose swiftly, his eyes darting to her belly. “Is something amiss with the baby?”
“No, everything is fine,” she said, rushing to reassure him. His shoulders sagged with relief and she took a moment to close the door behind her. “In fact, that is exactly what I wished to discuss with you.”
His brows drew together. “I don’t understand.”
She crossed to his desk and skirted around it until she was standing next to him. She didn’t miss the fact that his hands were clenched at his sides. Before that evening, she would have assumed he was annoyed with her, but given Alice’s revelations, she now believed he was trying to keep himself in check. To keep from reaching out for her. That small proof of his emotions caused hope to surge within her.
“I haven’t had a bleeding episode in months, and the doctor believes the danger to my pregnancy has passed.”
He looked away from her and raised a hand to massage one temple. “We’ve already had this discussion. There is nothing more to be said.”
She had to take a deep breath and gather her courage before she could continue. “I need to know why you haven’t returned to my bed.”
He dropped his hand and turned away from her.
“James?”
He shook his head. “I cannot discuss this with you.”
“Cannot? Or will not?”
“Both.”
She moved closer and reached for his hand. Placing it on her rounded belly, she watched as his expression softened. His hand curled over her middle, the warmth of his touch seeping through her nightdress and dressing gown.
“And what if I don’t accept that?”
He lifted his face to gaze into her eyes and she saw, reflected in their depths, the pain he was suffering.
“I was selfish before and put our child’s life at risk. Put your life at risk. I won’t do that again.”
She could tell by the tightness of his jaw and the determined glint in his eye that he wouldn’t be swayed from his decision. But if James had taught her anything, it was that there were ways for a man and woman to be together that would pose no risk to her or to their baby.
“I miss you,” she said.
He held her gaze, his eyes seeming to burrow straight through her, but he didn’t reply. She would have to press the matter, and she knew just how to do it. She’d offer him the one thing she knew he’d wanted to experience with her but that she had always been too shy to even contemplate. Remembering again how selfless he had been on the first night of their marriage, she vowed to do the same for him now. She would show her husband that she placed his pleasure above her own.
But first she had to make sure he wouldn’t pull away.
She feigned a swoon and he caught her upper arms, holding her steady. Sarah leaned into him, making sure to press her breasts against his chest. His sharp intake of breath gave her all the additional strength she needed to continue.
“I think I need to sit down.” She didn’t have to feign the breathlessness in her voice.
He led her the few steps to his study chair, released her, and frowned down at her. “Have you eaten? Should I ring for your maid?”
Before he could escape, she reached for his hand and tugged him closer. He came, stopping when his legs brushed against hers, but didn’t hide his reluctance. Somehow she managed to suppress the smile of satisfaction that threatened to undermine her plan.
“I know you feel strongly about this, so I won’t try to change your mind.”
He visibly relaxed, but she could tell he would like nothing better than for her to leave. He’d been avoiding her for months, but that was going to end tonight.
“I’ll see you to your bed,” he said. When she raised a brow, he squeezed his eyes shut and blew out a breath. “Not like that.”
“I know, James. You are far too noble.”
He released a snort of derision. She hated that he doubted his own worth.
“I want to give you pleasure like you did for me on the first night of our marriage and on so many other nights since then.”
He couldn’t hide the effect her words had on him as a shudder went through him. “You needn’t make the sacrifice—”
She could see that he was already hard with desire. He was trying to act the gentleman, but his body betrayed him. She placed her hand over the solid length of his arousal and was gratified when she felt him twitch at her boldness.
He shook his head, but when she started to undo the buttons, he didn’t stop her.
“I want to do this. I need to do this.”
She pulled down the placket covering the front of his trousers and drew out his hard length. She’d missed this more than she’d thought possible. Missed being uninhibited with her husband, being able to touch him anywhere she wanted. And the way he looked down at her—a combination of disbelief and awe on his face—told her he felt the same way.
She stroked up and down his hard length just the way she knew he liked. Although he had proposed it on more than one occasion, she’d never taken him into her mouth, so he wouldn’t expect her to do so now. And given their current estrangement, she knew he wouldn’t suggest it.
He was standing before her while she remained seated, and she only had to shift forward a little to bring her mouth against him.
“Sarah.” Her name was a ragged whisper, an unspoken plea that urged her to continue.
She wasn’t sure if she was doing it correctly, but she knew how he liked her to run her hands up and down his hardness. She imagined that she needed to mirror that motion with her mouth.
His fingers threaded through her hair, his hands tightening against her head, but he allowed her to remain in control as she moved up and down his length. He was too big to fit all the way into her mouth, so she grasped the base of his hardness with one hand, stroking him with both her hand and her mouth while she used her other hand to fondle him below. When he groaned, excitement shot through her own body. Why had she been so reluctant to do this for him before today?
“Sarah, I can’t… I’m going to finish.”
He tried to move her head away from him, but she resisted. She wanted this, both for herself and for him. To show James that she accepted him.
He spent himself into her mouth with a guttural sound, and she swallowed all of it. She allowed him to pull her away from him then, watching in silence as he covered himself and buttoned the fall of his trousers. Then she stood to face him.
His eyes searched hers for several seconds. “Why?” he finally asked.
“Because I hate this distance between us, and…”
“And?” he prompted when she hesitated.
She’d come this far and she wouldn’t allow fear to continue to silence her. She lifted a hand to caress his cheek. “I love you and I cannot continue to live separate from you. And since I’m being completely honest—perhaps for the first time since our marriage began—I’m afraid you’ll find someone else to take my place.”
He sho
ok his head in disbelief. “I must have fallen asleep. Surely this is a dream.”
He spread his arms and she moved into his welcoming embrace.
“You’re not dreaming.”
“In the face of your honesty, you should know that I’d wait forever for you. I love you, Sarah Hathaway, and no one else could ever take your place.”
She would have wept with joy if her husband hadn’t chosen to distract her then in another, more delicious manner.
Epilogue
January 1814
All too soon, James found himself pacing outside Sarah’s bedroom again. Only this time, instead of worrying that she might be miscarrying, his wife was giving birth to their first child.
His mother had tried to drag him away, advising him that Sarah might be some time yet. James knew he wouldn’t be able to stop obsessing over how Sarah and their child were doing. And so he planted himself outside her door and refused to allow anyone to draw him away. If he’d been allowed, he would have been in the room with her.
Her screams had him itching for a bottle of brandy, but he wouldn’t dishonor her in that way. Sarah was going through the pain of childbirth… his part, by comparison, was easy. Still, he hated that he could only stand helplessly by and wait.
The door opened a crack and Lady Mapleton poked her head out, giving him a strained smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“The baby is almost here,” she said before closing the door again and disappearing.
He knew that Sarah’s mother was only trying to be helpful, but her words did little to put him at ease. He’d been present for the birth of many foals, and he knew that the danger to the mother didn’t always ease after the baby was born. Complications did arise. He personally knew two men whose wives had given birth to healthy children only to then succumb to death when they continued to bleed.
The sound of a baby’s cry pierced the air, and James collapsed against the wall. He closed his eyes and prayed that Sarah would also be well.
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