by Linda Howard
She didn’t even try to answer; she just looked at him, with the shadows once more gathering to dim the light that had been in her eyes.
Suddenly Rome quivered as if he’d been struck, staring down at her with an expression of torment on his face. What would Diane say, if she knew he’d just seduced her best friend? Pain clawed at his insides, pain and guilt, as he suddenly realized that the physical act of release he’d sought with other women, which had meant an act of physical betrayal, had been nothing compared to the way he’d just betrayed Diane with Sarah. Sarah hadn’t been just a faceless body to him. He’d been aware of her every moment; he’d wanted her for the qualities and characteristics that made her peculiarly herself. Not only that, the pleasure he’d had with her had been shattering, totally wiping out the memories that usually plagued him after sex, memories of making love with his wife, of lying in the darkness with her afterward and talking their hearts out. He hadn’t thought of Diane at all; Sarah had filled his mind and his senses, which was the greatest betrayal of all.
He had to move away from her. He surged to his feet and paced restlessly across the room, once again thrusting his fingers through his hair. Why did she have to lie there and look at him with those mysterious eyes? He couldn’t even begin to understand her. He’d thought that if he could take her, reduce her to the common status of all the women who’d lain beneath him during the past two years, then she would lose her mystery and he’d no longer feel so obsessed by her, but that hadn’t happened. Instead she’d revealed a secret that made her even more mysterious, and now she’d retreated again into her private self, too distant for him to reach.
It was, abruptly, more than he could stand. He felt suffocated, and he glared at her in anger at the panic that was consuming him. “Hell,” he uttered in complete disgust. “Look, are you all right?”
Sarah lifted a slim eyebrow. “I’m fine.” She sounded cool and in perfect control, as usual.
“I’ve got to get out of here,” he muttered. “I’m sorry; I know I’m acting like a bastard, but I can’t—” He stopped, shaking his head in bafflement. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
He was at the door before Sarah found her voice again. “There’s no need. I really am all right.”
The look he gave her was almost violent; then he was gone, and a few seconds later she heard the door slam. Immediately she got out of bed and went to lock it, then crawled back into bed, wincing as her body protested the movement.
So, already the fragile companionship that had been growing between them was shattered, by a swift, consuming act of lust. That was all it had been for him, though she’d gone into his arms with love. She knew that it was much too soon in their relationship for it to be able to support the stress of lovemaking. He’d taken her, and she’d seen the anger, the guilt, in his eyes when he’d looked at her. Because she was so acutely sensitive to him, she’d known that he was thinking about Diane and regretting the wanton moments on the carpet.
Sarah didn’t cry; she’d hoped, but the dream had been so brief that she hadn’t really let herself start believing in it yet. He was gone, but then she’d never had him, not in any way that counted. She hadn’t had his trust, or his love. His interest in her hadn’t made sense anyway.
What now? Could she really go on working for the same company as he did, seeing him every day? Or had she finally reached the stage where she couldn’t take any more, when she’d have to be cowardly in the interests of her own sanity? After all, she’d been brave for more years than she cared to remember, and bravery had gotten her nothing but a constant ache in her heart and an empty apartment. She was thirty-three, after all; she was already past the prime age for marrying and having children, and the love that she’d always craved had eluded her. The total summation of her life was that she had a nice apartment, a snazzy car, and had wasted her life by loving her best friend’s husband. Time, and life, were passing her by, slipping away from her outstretched arms without even pausing to look at her.
Midnight was the time for making plans for the future, when the past had proved barren. She lay there, forcing herself to be logical and deliberate, even when it hurt. In her own best interests, she’d have to find another job. She’d never get over Rome if she saw him every day. She would begin looking for a suitable job Monday morning, and she didn’t think it would be that difficult; she’d made a lot of friends and contacts during her years with Spencer-Nyle, when she’d worked so hard to develop a career that she’d never really wanted. Diane had been the ambitious one, making stupendous plans that she’d chucked the instant after meeting Rome. All Sarah had ever wanted was someone to love, a husband who looked at her with devotion, children to love and raise as best she could, and a home to provide a warm haven from the rest of the world. The man who loved her wouldn’t be Rome, she realized anew, and the pain struck her as strong and fresh as it had from the first.
What good would leaving Spencer-Nyle do her if she kept mooning over a man she couldn’t have? It was time—past time—for her to forget about Rome and start looking for someone who would love her in return. Max’s lean, intelligent face swam into her view, and she caught her breath. Max?
She wouldn’t use him. He deserved better than that. But the fact remained that she’d been more attracted to Max than she’d ever been to any man other than Rome. If he asked her out again, she’d accept. After all, she would be leaving the company, so there wouldn’t be the dangers inherent in a boss-secretary relationship.
She could even grow to love him. Perhaps she’d never love him with the depth or fierceness that she loved Rome, but there were different types of love in the world, all of them precious. She’d no longer reject any of them.
Her brave new plans were never given a chance to work. The strident sound of the doorbell jerked her awake before seven o’clock the next morning, and she stumbled out of bed, then had to find a robe to drag on before answering the door.
Leaning against the door tiredly, stretching muscles that ached, she called cautiously, “Who is it?”
“Rome.”
Sarah stiffened against the door, suddenly alarmed. How could she get over him if he kept coming back into her life? She didn’t want to be hurt any more. She hadn’t let herself think about the way he’d taken her because she couldn’t handle that yet, couldn’t begin to accept that he’d had her, then walked away. Diane had come between them, and she always would be between them.
“Sarah,” he commanded in a low voice when she didn’t open the door. “We have to talk. Let me in.”
Biting her lip, knowing that there had to be a postmortem, she unlocked the door and opened it, stepping away as he entered the apartment. Quickly she looked at him, then averted her eyes. “Coffee?”
“Yes, and plenty of it. I haven’t slept.”
He looked it. He’d changed clothes, into jeans and a red polo shirt that looked fantastic with his olive complexion, but the lines on his face were harsher than ever, and dark circles lay under his eyes. He was somber, even grim. He followed her into the kitchen and while she put on the coffee he leaned his hip against the tall kitchen stool, one booted foot hooked on the bottom rail of the stool, the other leg stretched out before him. He watched her closely, wondering how she could look so unruffled even though it was plain he’d gotten her out of bed. Except for the thick pale tangle of her hair, she was as remote as an alabaster statue, cool and lovely to look at but not inviting to the touch.
“I want you,” he said suddenly, startling her, and her eyes widened.
“I’d planned to have you,” he continued, gauging every nuance of her expression, noting her reactions. “Last night didn’t get out of hand; I’d intended to have you from the moment I hustled you out of that party. I was going to take you, then forget about you. But it didn’t work that way,” he said softly.
Sarah stared at the coffee maker as if the slow drip of the coffee into the glass pot fascinated her. “I’d say that everything went according to plan,”
she forced herself to say lightly. “I don’t have anything to compare it to, but it seems to me now that as far as seductions go it was highly successful. I didn’t even think of saying no.”
“That’s when things started to go wrong. You were a virgin, and I couldn’t forget about you. I jeopardized you by my lack of control—”
Sarah’s head jerked up, as the thought of pregnancy occurred to her for the first time. She stared at him for a long moment, counting in her head, then relaxed against the cabinet. “I should be safe from that,” she muttered. “It’s the wrong time.”
“Thank God,” he sighed, closing his eyes. “I couldn’t have stood that. I have enough on my conscience as it is.”
“I’m an adult,” she pointed out briskly, thrusting alarm away from her. “You don’t have to feel responsible for me.”
“I know I don’t have to, but I do. Diane loved you,” he said, staring at her intently. “She’d have done away with anyone who hurt you, and now I’ve done my best to hurt you. She’d want…she’d want me to take care of you,” He drew in a deep shuddering breath, his eyes glittering, his entire body taut with stress.
“Sarah, will you marry me?”
CHAPTER FOUR
Sarah stared at him. As marriage proposals went, that one was fairly insulting, so much so that for a long moment she couldn’t even react. She loved him, but this was a bit much. So he thought she’d marry him to ease his guilty conscience? Was she such a desperate case that he thought she’d jump at the chance? Worse, was he right? Trembling inside, she didn’t know if she’d have the strength to turn him down, even knowing that he’d asked her for the worst possible reason.
To give herself time, she turned to get two coffee mugs down from the cabinet, keeping her back turned to him while she concentrated on regulating her breathing, carefully easing her senses back onto an even keel. Turning one smooth ceramic mug in her fingers, she finally managed one normal word. “Why?”
Rome’s skin had an ashen hue beneath the olive tint, and she knew that it hadn’t been easy for him to ask her. How could it be, when he still waited, in his heart, for Diane?
Like any good businessman, he began by outlining the advantages of a merger. “I think we could have a good marriage. We’re both career people; we’d each understand the pressures the other was under, the demands that cut into the time we’d normally have together. We get along better now than we ever have, and the trips I have to take would give us breathing space away from each other. I know you’re used to being independent, and having time to yourself,” he said cautiously, watching her in an effort to guess her reception to his proposal, but it was like searching for expressions on the smooth, cool face of a china doll. “We’d know how to stay out of each other’s way.”
The coffee was finished. Sarah dumped the grounds, then poured the steaming deliciously scented brew into the mugs. Handing one to him, she leaned against the counter and blew gently on the coffee to cool it. “If we need so much time apart, why bother to get married?” she finally asked. “Why not just keep on the way we’ve been?”
His dark face softened as he looked at the pale tumble of hair that curled itself like living arms around her shoulders. “Sarah, if you were a woman who could accept a casual affair, you wouldn’t have been a virgin last night.”
Shivering, Sarah reminded herself that he was a good chess player. He knew how to defend and at tack, and how to slide in under a weak argument. No, she wasn’t a woman to sleep around, because she’d never been able to see any man but him. Couldn’t he see the obvious? A woman who’d been a virgin for so long, despite the normal opportunities to change that condition, could have had only one reason for going without question into his arms the night before.
“It was good last night,” he said softly, his words winding themselves around her heart like a vine, tugging her close to him, bending her to his will. “You felt so good that I went a little crazy, but I could still feel the way you softened inside. If I could have waited, would you have gone a little crazy for me? Was it beginning to feel good to you?”
He slid off the stool, coming closer to her, his dark velvet voice seducing her all over again. Standing before her, he drank his coffee, watching her all the while over the rim of the mug.
Sarah sipped the coffee too, holding it on her tongue so the tart taste of it could delight her taste buds. She could feel the heat climbing in her face, and she cursed her pale complexion that made even the faintest of blushes instantly apparent. “Yes, I liked it,” she finally admitted jerkily.
“I’d be a good husband. Faithful, hardworking, loyal, just like Fido the Wonder Dog, or whatever the mutt’s name was.” She glanced up quickly and saw the amusement sparkling in the depths of his eyes, golden now as his mood lightened. “I like being domesticated,” he continued, his clipped accent slowing as he thought out his words. “I like the stability of it, the companionship, someone to drink coffee with on rainy mornings and cold winter nights. It’s raining now; isn’t this nice?” He cupped the ball of her shoulder in his palm, his fingers kneading the delicate joint; then he deliberately slid his hand inside the collar of her robe, his fingers gliding under the edge of her nightgown to fondle the cool sweetly swelling curves of her breasts.
Sarah held herself perfectly still, her body quivering inside from the run of pleasure. He wasn’t being fair; how could she think clearly when her body, superbly fashioned by nature to respond to the touch of the man she loved, was demanding all her attention? Intellect was a fine thing, but Rome was fast teaching her how little her mind could control her body’s natural desire.
Rome watched her closely, seeing the soft mists of passion cloud the cool directness of her eyes. Her lashes drifted down, her lids growing heavier, and her breath was coming faster between her softly parted lips. His own heartbeat was picking up speed as he felt her breasts growing warm beneath his touch, the enchanting woman smell of her rising to his nostrils and telling him, without him even thinking of it, that she was his for the taking. Before it was too late, he drew his hand back, but the need to touch her drove him to reach for her again, clasping her slim waist and pulling her to him. Her coffee sloshed dangerously close to the rim, and he rescued both of them, setting his own mug down, then taking hers and placing it beside the other one.
Then she was securely in his arms, her soft body nestled against his, adjusting herself without thought to the hard contours of his muscular frame, and that adjustment made both of them gasp.
“You see?” he muttered shakily, burying his face against the slippery silk of her hair. “We’re good together. Damned good.”
Sarah laced her arms around his back, feeling the dampness of his shirt where he’d sprinted through the rain. The fresh smell of rain and the coming autumn mingled with his own vital male scent, luring her, and she rubbed her nose into the hollow of his shoulder. What kind of marriage would she have with him, heaven or hell? Would she be content with what he could give her, or would she slowly shrivel inside, dying because she wanted all of him and his heart would always be Diane’s? At that moment, standing there in the kitchen with their arms locked around each other, she felt that she could ask nothing more of heaven, but when the daily grind of life wore her down, would she need more from him?
Slowly his big hands moved up her back, finding and stroking each separate rib and vertebra. “Say yes, baby,” he cajoled huskily, the first endearment he’d ever used with her, and she melted inside, going weak. “I want you; I’ve always wanted you, all those years when you were giving me that delicate cold shoulder. There was no way I was going to jeopardize my marriage to Diane by going after you; I loved her too much. But I’ve always wanted you, and Diane isn’t between us anymore. I think…I think she’d like the idea of us taking care of each other.”
Her face hidden in his shoulder, Sarah closed her eyes in pain. When he spoke of Diane, every word was a sword that cut into her heart. How could she ever be strong enough to live with the k
nowledge that she’d never replace Diane in his affections? But even as she writhed inside in pain, Rome lifted her even more tightly against him, and his action sent all her thoughts into confusion. Gently shifting their positions, he leaned back against the cabinets and spread his legs to support Sarah’s weight, pulling her intimately against him and holding her tightly to his chest.
“If I’m going to have you, then I’ll have to marry you.” Catching her jaw in his fingers, he gently forced her to lift her head so he could see her face. “You’re just not the type of woman who could handle anything less. I’m offering you a commitment, a legal relationship with all the rights that grants you. I’ll be faithful to you; I prefer a commitment with one woman to a thousand one-night stands with women whose names I can’t even remember. We know each other; we know what to expect. And we’re friends; we can talk to each other about the office, about a hundred things that we have in common. We’d have a partnership that a lot of people would envy.”
He had it all worked out, all the logical reasons why a marriage between them would work. Their home would be an extension of the office, with sex as the icing on the cake. She could just see them, tidily putting folders into their respective briefcases, then falling on each other with feral desire, office decorum shattered under the fierce need to blend their bodies together in the ancient ritual that ensured the survival of the species.
Abruptly his hands tightened on her, and she could feel him tensing against her body. “Before you make up your mind, there’s something you should know.” A harsh note, barely revealed, told her how much he didn’t want to say what he was thinking, but in a negotiation, the negatives were always weighed, as well as the positives, and he was treating this like a business merger.
