She’s the world, but I can’t tell her that.
“I don’t care about you like that, Syd. I’ve been pretending for a while. I never want to get married. I’ll never have kids. And I’ll never love you like you want.”
Her mouth drops, and she shoves my chest—hard. “Fuck you! Fuck you for saying that to me! I’ve given you everything, and this is how you repay me? You know what? Just go. Go and love your city life. Go and run away from everything we’ve promised each other. You’ll be alone and sad, and you know what? You deserve it. I hate you! You’re as bad as my father, and we both know how I feel about him.”
Then she turns and runs, leaving me alone to hate myself more than she could ever hate me.
Chapter Two
Sydney
~ Present ~
Oh, God, Declan is here. He’s in this town, which he swore he’d never be in again, and I feel as though a million needles are pricking at my skin. I pride myself on being brave, yet here I am hiding like a coward because I can’t do it.
Seeing him almost seven months ago was hard enough. We didn’t talk at his father’s funeral, but I felt him in my soul. I stood, watching him with his brothers and taking in the looks of relief they each wore. He was even more handsome than I remembered. His chestnut-brown hair fell back, but it wasn’t slick, and he filled out that suit like it was made for him. Hell, it probably was. Declan Arrowood has done very well for himself. I’ve followed his career because I’m a glutton for punishment, and he’s impressed me at every turn.
However, I still can’t find it in my heart to forgive him or talk to him.
He broke my heart that night, but each day he stayed away or refused to contact me has decimated that organ beyond repair.
I lean down, grab a flower that is growing on the edge of the pond, and hold it, remembering how he used to make me feel. He promised me that at the end of college, we’d find a way.
Two years he said after we finished our sophomore years.
Two years my ass.
I throw the flower into the pond and watch it float. It’s funny that it’s exactly how I feel about my life. I’m just … drifting. I don’t sink, I’m much too strong for that, but I’m still in this pond, allowing the current to take me where it deems I should go.
One would think that, after this many years, I’d be over it. And I was. I got my law degree, am a volunteer EMT, and have great friends, but there’s still a gaping hole in my chest from when a stupid boy ripped my heart out and never gave it back.
Now, the same stupid boy is in Sugarloaf, and everything I buried is bubbling up.
My phone rings, and it’s Ellie, my best friend who I’ve been avoiding until Declan disappears again.
“Hey,” I say as lightheartedly as I can.
“Hey, are you not coming to the party?”
I bite my lip and try to think of a way to break it to her. “I can’t, Ells.”
“Because he’s here?”
Yes. “No.”
“Then why, because Hadley is asking for you. She told us you said you’d be right back, and that was over two hours ago. She won’t let us sing happy birthday or eat cake or open presents or do anything until her auntie Syd is here.” Her voice quickens over each word.
I am such a damn coward. I dropped Hadley off, and when she ran inside, I ran away. I’m not ready to be in the same room with him. It’ll be too awkward and too … us.
Still, I can’t disappoint Hadley. “I’m on my way. Just … if it gets to be too much …”
“I’ll cover for you,” Ellie finishes what I wasn’t able to say.
“Thanks.”
“Just get here before she drives us all crazier.”
I smile, knowing that’s exactly what Hadley will do, and I leave the sanctuary to head back to hell.
As I walk, I try to recall the bad things. If I’m angry, I won’t feel like some lovesick idiot around him. I think about the night he told me we were done. The weeks after where I begged him to come back to me so we could work it out. All the heartache I endured, thinking he would change his mind.
He didn’t.
He dropped me as though I were nothing and never gave me any reason.
Jerk.
I walk through the field, passing the tree-mansion Connor has built Hadley. Seriously, that kid doesn’t have him wrapped around her finger, she has him wrapped around her whole hand. It’s cute though, and it’s made me wonder if I’m being silly by letting my dating life fall to the wayside.
I’ve given up on love. There’s been guys, but nothing that has had any true meaning. All because the fear of having my heart broken has been stronger than the desire to love again. Declan didn’t break my heart though—no, he stole it from my chest.
I trudge up the steps, holding onto the anger and resentment he put in my heart all those years ago, and open the door.
As soon as I turn, he’s there.
“Syd.”
“Asshole,” I reply and cross my arms.
He runs his hands through his thick hair, pushing it away from his face, and then looks down. “I deserve that.”
“We have something we agree upon then.”
He looks at me from under those thick lashes, which no man should possess, and grins. “You look good.”
So do you.
No, no, Syd. He does not look good. He looks like the devil who broke your heart and never looked back.
I have to remember all that. If I don’t, I might not be able to ignore that he still makes my heart sputter or that I have never felt more secure in another’s arms—not that I’ve spent eight-fucking-years trying to find a man even half as perfect as Declan Arrowood. More than that, though, is that I have to keep some distance between us so he won’t get the wrong idea and start thinking that there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of a reconciliation.
Screw me once, shame on him. Screw me twice, I’m a fool who needs to be punched.
“I’m sure we also agree that we don’t really need to do this. We have six months to get through, and then we can go back to pretending the other doesn’t exist.”
Declan moves a bit closer, and the cologne, which he’s worn since he was seventeen, creeps around me. I bought him his first bottle of it for Christmas. It was musky and strong, which was how I felt about him. My heart aches with the knowledge that he still wears it.
“That’s not what I’ve been doing.”
I shake my head, not willing to listen to lies. “Six months, Declan. I’m asking you to avoid me, pretend I don’t live here, or that you don’t know me for the six months you’re stuck here.”
“I hate my father for this.”
We all hate his father. When he died, his four sons should’ve inherited the Arrowood farm. They should’ve been able to sell it and move on with their lives. But Declan’s father was cruel and selfish, even in death. The stipulation in the will was that each of the four brothers must live on the farm for six months. At the conclusion, they can do what they want with the property.
That means that, even after they swore they’d never come back here, they have no choice if they want their inheritance. And now I have to see the man who I have never gotten over.
“Regardless, you owe me this much.”
There’s a flash of hurt in his eyes, but he looks away. “You always have been beautiful and irresistible when you don’t hold back.”
Right. Sure I am. Enough that he could leave me so damn easily. I’m not going to let my heart read more into it. I have to protect myself because loving Declan has never been my issue. I’ve spent my entire life doing it as naturally as breathing.
My shoulders straighten, and I glare at him. “Well, I’m sure my boyfriend will appreciate you thinking so. If you’ll excuse me, I have a birthday cake to consume.”
I shoulder past him and pray my knees don’t buckle.
When I turn the corner, all hell breaks loose, and I don’t have to worry about my legs because I’m lifted in
to the air.
“Sydney!” Jacob grabs me, turning me around in his arms. “You fucking gorgeous woman. Look at you.”
I smile. Here’s another Arrowood I can like. “And look at you!” I slap his shoulder playfully. “You’re all famous and shit.”
Then Sean is there. “Give me that girl.” His deep voice is filled with warmth. “I’ve missed you, Syd.”
I wrap my arms around him and squeeze. “I’ve missed you guys too—well, some of you.”
Sean and Jacob both laugh. “The better brothers, at least.”
We all laugh, and they both wrap an arm around me, tucking me into their protective embrace. I’d forgotten how much I loved them all. Each one always made sure no one hurt me. They were loyal and adopted me as a sister they never had.
When my father ran out on us, it was these guys who took up the role of protector.
“You came back!” Hadley rushes forward, a big smile on her face.
“Of course I did! I just needed to get your present.”
“Did you know that Uncle Declan promised to get me a pony?” She screams the last word with eyes bright.
I want to say a biting remark about the man not honoring promises, but I don’t. Hadley doesn’t deserve it, and my opinion is shrouded in years of bitterness. Plus, if I’m going to keep up the fake boyfriend bullshit, I need to appear like I don’t care.
“That’s wonderful. I hope it’s a really expensive one. You should ask him for two. Horses want a friend.”
She giggles. “I hope it’s white and has long hair and loves to go for rides and maybe can fit in my tree house!”
Connor comes up from behind her and rests a hand on her shoulder. “We’re going to talk about the pony.”
Hadley looks up at him from over her shoulder, lip jutted out while batting her eyelashes. “But, Daddy, I really want it.”
Oh, he’s so fucked, and she called him daddy.
Tears fill my eyes. “Give her the damn pony, Connor.”
He smiles at me. We both know he’s never going to deny her a thing.
Then Ellie comes out of the kitchen holding the cake. “No pony. Not now, at least.”
He winks at Hadley.
“Okay, Mommy. Not now.” The girl knows what she’s doing.
“Can I help with anything?” I ask loudly, making my way to Ellie. I need to keep moving and avoid him like the plague.
Ellie shakes her head. “An hour ago, sure, but now, we’re good.”
I glare at her as she smirks.
“Is your boyfriend coming, Syd?” Declan’s voice causes my stomach to drop.
Connor and Ellie look to me, and I shake my head with a soft smile. “No, he’s working today.”
Ellie watches me, eyes saying what her voice doesn’t: We’re so going to talk about this.
However, my favorite kid who ever lived jumps up when she sees the cake. “Time for cake!”
And I’m saved from having to expand on my stupid lie.
Chapter Three
Sydney
“Stupid girl!” I grab another handful of wildflowers and throw them into the pond. “Stupid heart. Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
I knew that party would be hard, but I didn’t think it would almost kill me.
The entire time, I tried to avoid his gaze. I talked to everyone but him, and now, I’m so frustrated and keyed up that I can’t sleep, which brought me back to this place.
My mother moved off the farm two years ago. My sister got married, had kids, and moved three hours west of Sugarloaf to a new farm. This land has been in my mother’s family for over a hundred years, and I love this place so couldn’t let her sell it, so I ended up taking it over. Well, I sort of took over.
We’ve had the same staff since I was a kid, and they’ll probably stay on board until they die. They run it even though my name is on the deed.
“What are you doing out here, Bean?” Jimmy, the foreman and my godfather, asks.
“Thinking.”
“About the Arrowood boy I’m guessing since I ain’t seen that look in a long time.”
I turn with a sad smile. “He’s back.”
“I heard rumors he would be, but thought there was still time.”
Yeah, we all knew, but it doesn’t make it easier. It’s like when a hurricane forms off the coast. Everyone stands by the television, watching it build and move. Predictions come in, and all anyone can do is wait and pray it doesn’t hit. Then the turn comes and … bam.
I’m in the eye.
“Yeah, a few weeks. But, it’s no big deal. I really don’t care when he comes back since I don’t plan to see much of him.”
He lets out a low chuckle. “Sure, so now you’re lying to yourself?”
I roll my eyes. “It’s better than admitting the truth.”
“Maybe so, Sydneybeans, but you’re much smarter than that. Lies like that never end well. It’s better to cut the head off the snake now.”
The imagery of that makes me laugh. “I thought, by now, it wouldn’t bother me so much. I figured that I would be over him or that being close to him wouldn’t make me want to throw myself into his arms and beg him to love me again.”
He rests his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “Only way to get over it is to finally deal with it. Go on to bed and rest. You’ll think better in the morning. He’s a fool if he doesn’t see the treasure you are.”
Jimmy is like a father to me. He’s been here each day since I was a little girl, and when my father took off fifteen years ago, Jimmy was who gave me paternal advice. When my father never came back, called, wrote, or sent smoke signals, it was Jimmy who made it hurt just a little less.
Although, no amount of love from him could save me from the pain I went through when I lost Declan.
“I wish I could say that any man felt that way, but they always leave.”
Jimmy shakes his head. “Not all, Bean.”
“You’re paid to love me,” I joke.
“Not nearly enough considering the trouble you get into. I seem to remember covering tread marks in the snow a few times when you snuck out.”
I smile, recalling that night. It was impossible to resist going to see Declan. At night, when I felt alone, it was his warmth I craved. I would cry, wishing my dad would come back and love me, while Dec held me close.
And then there were other times I simply wanted to make out with my very hot boyfriend. Still, Jimmy kept my secrets from my mother and then scolded me later.
“I’m not a little girl anymore, and you’re still here.”
He chuckles. “Now it seems I can’t imagine being anywhere else. Go on back to the house and sleep.”
My hand covers his and I nod. “I’ll head in soon.”
Jimmy knows better than to push. He pulls back, and I’m alone again. Maybe he’s right. I need to face Declan and be honest with him and myself. He broke me, and I’m not doing myself any favors by pretending otherwise.
I sit on the cool grass as the sun starts to come up over the tree line. Time passes as I watch the sky become painted in warm pinks and reds as the blues and blacks fade away and I let the new day wash over me. I can do this.
I’m smart, and I’ve gone places in my life too. For a small-town lawyer, I’m accomplished, and I help people. This farm helps people, and I do it all on my own.
“I am a treasure. I’m a good woman who loves you still. If you don’t see that, then screw you, Declan Arrowood!”
“Well, I’m sure we could arrange that,” he says from behind me.
No, no, no this isn’t happening.
I get to my feet, needing the height even though he towers over me. He has always been so tall and strong. It was what I loved. I was precious to him, and he always did what he could to make sure I knew it.
“It wasn’t an offer.”
He grins. “I know. I’m just trying to make light of it. Can we talk?”
All the bravado I had about being honest is gone. “I can’t.
I have to get to work.”
“Just a few minutes, Syd. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d like to talk. We have a lot of time coming up that we’ll have to be around each other, and I’d like us to be civil.”
Like that’s ever going to happen.
“I don’t know that we’ll manage that.”
“Maybe not, but we can at least try.”
I release a heavy sigh. “Maybe.”
“I really did miss you,” he says, and a part of my cold heart thaws. “I know you’re worth everything, and …”
“And you let me go.”
His eyes close and then he clenches his fist. “It wasn’t what you thought.”
“It was exactly what I thought. You were done with me, and you threw me away! Just like my father did! You were exactly like him, Declan!”
“No! It was nothing like your father!” I see the devastation in his eyes and turn away.
It is the same thing. When he was through with me, he tossed me aside. “You say that, but you did exactly what you promised not to. You left without ever coming back.”
“I needed to!”
“Why? Why did you need to?”
I find myself inching closer to him as my anger grows.
“It doesn’t matter now.”
God, that’s where he’s wrong. “It matters to me. Do you understand I’ve spent years trying to understand it? There are no answers. No clues as to why. Just one day, you show up and decide we’re over.”
He shakes his head, seeming to grapple with whatever is on his mind. “I did what I had to.”
“What you had to? What the hell does that mean?” I yell and shove at his chest, but he steps with me, as though we’re two magnets being pulled.
Declan’s hand grips my wrist, thumb stroking tenderly over my rapid pulse. His voice is soft, but there’s a strain in the syllables as his eyes bore into mine. “I couldn’t hurt you again. I couldn’t … I had to stay away. But now ... now, I can’t.”
Fight for Me Page 2
