“Because I’m only in New York on holiday for a few more days, and I figured you missed me. Plus, I knew you were going back to that dreary small town where you’re likely to go out of your mind with loneliness and boredom.”
Sydney’s face flashes in my mind, and I know I won’t be bored. But I will be lonely, that much is true.
“I’ll be fine.”
He chuckles. “You’re a bloody fool.”
“Maybe so.”
“You really think you can be around the woman you’ve lusted after for the last decade and not fuck it up?”
I regret telling him about Sydney. “I’ll be fine,” I say again.
He leans back in his chair and grins. “Do you remember what you said when I met Danielle?”
Milo met his wife when he was trying to get her job—his job. He couldn’t resist her. I knew the first time he told me about her that he was completely fucked.
“Yes.”
“Don’t be so chuffed about it. All men have a weakness, and it’s usually a woman. Lord knows mine always was.”
I close my eyes, lean my head back, and mentally slap myself for agreeing to this. Milo knows me too well, and I’m not going to get out of this dinner without listening to more of his shit.
“We’re not all you, Milo.”
“Thank God for that.” He lifts his glass. “My wife can barely handle one of me, imagine a world full of good-looking, smart, funny, and spectacularly fantastic lovers running around. It would be interesting, that’s for sure.”
“And don’t forget to add how humble you are.”
He smirks. “That is not one of my traits. But, we’re not talking about me since I happen to have my life in order. It’s you who is a fucking mess.”
He has no idea. “I had sex with her,” I blurt out.
Milo chokes on his drink and then slowly lowers the glass. “In your dreams?”
Might as well get this out now. I could tell my brothers, but they’ll probably side with her like they always did. Sydney made everyone’s life better. She was the sunshine in our darkest days. We had shelter when we were near her, and we craved it.
After my mother died, she sort of stepped into that role as I stepped into being the patriarch of the family. Dad was too busy drinking himself stupid to care about my brothers, so I did. At eleven years old I learned how to do it all. I made lunches, helped with homework, and beat up anyone who picked on them.
As we got older and became a real couple, she was always there to help. Sydney would bake them birthday cakes and would bring soup if they were sick.
She was my world.
She was my heart and soul and I let her go.
Now, I’ve fucked up again.
“No, when I went for my niece’s birthday. I saw her at the pond we used to meet at, and … I don’t know, I had to kiss her.”
“And then you managed to what? Slip your cock in at the same time?”
I release a heavy sigh from my nose. “I don’t need your shit.”
“I think you do. For years, you have been telling me about Sydney and how you walked away from her to save her. How you can’t imagine how it ever would’ve worked. Then you went on to say that you were done and you moved on, married your work, and never gave her another thought. I’d say you’re either a liar or a bastard.”
“I’m both.”
I’m a liar because I never moved on from her. How could I? My losing her wasn’t how it was meant to be. That future was taken from me, ripped out of my hands without any warning.
Now, I’ve tasted her again, and I crave more.
I’m a bastard because I’ll still walk away in six months without a pause.
Milo nods and then twirls the liquid in his glass. “I don’t judge you, you know? I was no better chasing after a woman I didn’t deserve.”
“And you do now?”
He laughs, gets to his feet, and slaps me on the back. “Not in the slightest. My wife is a million times better than I am. I’m just not stupid enough to let her go. Speaking of her, I have to get back to the hotel. Think about what I said and figure out if you’re going to continue being a bloody idiot or finally get your head out of your arse.”
Milo walks out of the bar, leaving me alone with a half-drunken bottle of scotch. My head is a mess, and it has been since she walked away from me that morning. If he only knew the truth about why I gave her up all those years ago, he’d understand.
The only difference between then and now is that there isn’t a big secret any longer. The truth was exposed, and I could tell Sydney, and I would if I thought it would matter.
But then I wonder how I could really confess it.
I still grapple with the guilt of it all. If she knew maybe we could be friends again. Maybe she would see that my leaving was for her.
Why couldn’t I tell Sydney and let the chips fall?
Before I go too far into that line of thinking, I remember why I won’t ever pick up the chips to begin with. Because it isn’t just about me. There are three other people who also hold the secret. If Sydney knew, would she forgive me? Would she accept that we did what we thought was right?
No, she will never understand the choice I made. She would’ve stayed on the side of the road that night, consequences be damned. She wouldn’t have run, hid the truth, and then cut all ties with anyone who mattered to her.
No, that was me, and the path I took eight years ago hasn’t changed that.
I’m driving on Route 80, passing the smaller towns in New Jersey as I make my way to Pennsylvania. I already hate every goddamn second of this. I’m going to miss New York City. The city has embedded itself inside of me. Each day, I became less country, and it gave me my true feeling of home. The smells of pretzels and trash, the sounds of horns honking, people yelling, and trains passing by are normal and what filled me when I was empty.
Now, I’m leaving it, and it feels ... weird.
Six months is all I have to endure, and then I can go back to where I feel at ease.
My phone rings, and I swipe the button over to answer Connor’s call. “Hello, Jackass,” I say with a smirk.
“Nice greeting.”
“What can I say? I call it like I see it.”
He snorts. “What time are you coming in? Your ... trailer-house-thing is all set up.”
I regret making that offer more than I can say. However, last thing I want is to be stuck in that fucking house with my brother and his family. I don’t need a daily reminder of what I could’ve had. I do enough self-loathing in my sleep. Still, now I’m in this “luxury tiny house,” which I know I’m going to want to burn to the ground after a week.
“Did you go inside?”
“Of course I did. Now Hadley wants one, thanks for that.”
I grin. “You should get the girl whatever she wants.”
“Right, because even if I say no, it’s not like her uncles won’t go behind my back.”
“Please, we all have years to make up for, and it’s not like the three of us are in a hurry to start a family.”
Connor snorts. “Yeah, you’d need to find a girl willing to put up with your shit.” Then he drops his voice to a near whisper. “Or forgive you for being a total fucking prick.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing, brother, just can’t wait to see you.”
“And I can’t wait to undermine your authority.”
His daughter owns him, and I love that my brother has found a way through his hell, and while Jacob begrudges him a little, I don’t. Connor has struggled with the way our lives went more than anyone. He had my mother the least amount of time, and I’ve always wished it could’ve been different for him.
“Well, don’t think she forgot about the pony you promised her.”
“I didn’t forget. Sean is working on that with the guys in Tennessee. Apparently, his buddy Zach owns a horse ranch and has some ponies coming. Don’t worry, Hadley will have what I promised.”
I won’t break my word to that girl.
She’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a child.
Connor clears his throat. “Why don’t you come for dinner tonight? Ellie is cooking, and she cleaned the spare room in case you look at that ... living thing ... and decide you’d rather stay in the house.”
There is no chance of that. “I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t care if you’re fine or not, she does.”
I snort. “Asshat.”
“Whatever. Just come for dinner. Make Ellie and Hadley happy.”
“I knew you missed me.” I look down at the GPS and see I still have another hour in the trip. “What time is dinner?”
“In about an hour and a half. Just get here, we’ll wait for you.”
I release a deep sigh because there’s no point in fighting it. Ellie will marry my brother someday, which means she’s already family. I owe her more than I can ever repay, so if she wants her annoying-as-hell new brothers-in-law around, then who are we to begrudge her that?
“All right. I’ll see you soon.”
The rest of the drive is peaceful. I spend the hour watching the towns drift by, remembering all too well how it felt when I left and the promises I made as I did. It’s different driving into Sugarloaf.
It feels like prison.
When I get to the entrance of the driveway, I stop. I’m, once again, lost to a time when life was easy, people were alive, and secrets weren’t an issue.
* * *
“Why doesn’t Jacob have to answer?” I whine as I punch my brother in the arm.
My mother turns in her seat, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. “Because your brother knows how to behave in public. Do you want to sit here all day?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Then answer the question before the frozen food defrosts.”
I’m smart enough to know that means I’ll have to go back to the grocery store with her, and I hate food shopping. Hate. It’s stupid and annoying and Jacob got candy because he didn’t get caught when he hit me. But I did, and now I’m stuck in the back seat with my stupid brother as he eats his Hershey bar.
Jacob turns to me, chocolate on his lips as he smirks. “What’s one truth about an arrow?”
That it could pierce your heart.
I don’t say that. “A true second shot will split the first arrow and create a solid path,” I say without thinking about it.
I’ve said this same phrase a million times.
Mom grins. “Yes, and why is that important?”
Same follow up. Different day.
“Because I usually screw up the first time and need the second shot.”
She leans over and touches my hand. “My darling, that’s life. We often don’t know the right path and wander the wrong way, but if you’re smart and focus, you can always correct your path.”
* * *
What I wouldn’t give for that to be true. I’ve taken too many wrong turns, and I’m not sure there are enough arrows in the world to create the right path.
I drive up the long pathway, and the white farmhouse, which is freshly painted and glowing with the warm light inside, comes into view.
Once I stop the car, I see a silhouette standing in the open doorway, and it isn’t my brother or Ellie.
Fuck. I’m never going to survive this.
Chapter Six
Sydney
I’m going to murder my best friend. She lured me over for dinner, saying she wanted to talk. Despite the fact that all I wanted to do was stay curled up in my bed, crying about the current status of my life, I came. Then I come to find out that it’s some kind of family dinner and Declan was fucking coming.
Of course, she doesn’t relay this piece of information until his car is turning into the driveway and it’s too late for me to escape.
He parks close enough to the house that I can see him in the driver’s seat, but he doesn’t move to get out, as if he’s waiting for something.
“Is Declan here?” Ellie’s sweet voice asks from behind me.
“Yes.”
“Are you going out there?”
I turn to her with lips pursed. “Whatever you’re up to, I don’t like it.”
Her hands rise in mock surrender. “I’m not up to anything. All I’m doing is forcing the two of you to deal with your crap. He’s going to be my brother-in-law, and you’re my best friend. You guys need to find a way to at least be nice to each other.”
I roll my eyes. “I love you, Ells, but I’m going to have to kill you.”
“I’ll take my chances. You couldn’t hurt a fly.”
“I’m going to go out there first,” I say, not wanting to continue this.
I’m not ready to tell him about the baby or anything really. I still don’t know what I’m going to do, and while this is his baby, it isn’t his life that’ll be completely changed. I want to go to the doctor first, make sure everything is okay, and then decide on a plan before I tell him.
I don’t know what my plan is yet, but I do know that it won’t include him.
Not because I don’t love him but because he doesn’t love me, and I won’t let myself be broken again.
“You know, the sad thing is that you’re both nervous about being around the other. I don’t know why you’re fighting it.”
I glare at her. “You can’t imagine the level of hurt he’s caused me. He loved me and walked away. He was supposed to be the one person who would never leave me. There isn’t a memory in my childhood that doesn’t star one of these Arrowood brothers and then ... one day ... they were gone. Like. That”—I snap my fingers—“I lost my family, my heart, and my future. I’m fighting because, if I allow even an inch of hope, it’ll run away, and I’ll be lost.”
Ellie bites her lower lip, her hands wringing as she nods. “I understand.”
Damn it. I shouldn’t snap at her. She means well, even if she isn’t helping. I’ve only told her bits and pieces because the whole thing is too much to handle.
I want the two of us to possibly be amicable so we can untangle this mess we’re both in, if that’s even possible. Ellie is being a good friend, and I should be thanking her, not biting her head off.
“I’m sorry for being such a bitch.”
She steps forward quickly. “You’re not. No, I’m being an idiot and not realizing that just because Connor and I found a way, that doesn’t mean you can as well. I’m the one who owes you an apology.”
I look back out the screen door to find him still sitting there. “Let me go and make peace. I know you guys have a big announcement tonight, and I don’t want you to worry about my and Declan’s fucked-up past.”
Before she can say anything, I push the door open and make my way down the steps as he’s exiting his car.
“Syd.”
“Dec.”
“I didn’t know you’d be here.” He runs his hands through his hair.
I give him a soft smile. “I didn’t know you’d be here either. We were apparently kept in the dark.”
He glares up at the window and I follow his gaze to find Connor there with a grin. Asshole.
“About the last time I was here,” Declan says, but I’m already shaking my head.
“Not now. Not here either. There’s a lot to say, but this isn’t the time.”
Declan nods once. “All right.”
Regardless of my feelings for Declan, we’re going to have a child. I can blame him, hate him, and all that, but that isn’t the life I want for my child. I grew up unwanted by my father. I watched him walk away, saying things that no child should hear her father say about her mother. My father hated my mother, and since my sister and I were part of her, he hated us by default. I will do whatever I can to protect a child from feeling that level of pain and that means that Declan and I have to figure out a way to get along.
“I didn’t want for us to see each other for the first time since that night to be in front of them, so I came out here.”
He
releases a heavy sigh. “We have a lot of history, and I want to say that I’m sorry about what happened between us a couple of months ago.”
My eyes lift, studying his. “What about it?”
“That I hurt you again,” Declan says quickly. “I should never have come to you when I had no intention of staying after my time was up. I should’ve … fuck, I don’t know. I never should’ve let things go so far. I’m sorry.”
He has no idea how far things are. “And what now?”
“What do you mean?”
I steel myself, knowing what the answer will be and hating myself for asking it again, but time might have changed things. God knows my life has changed since taking that test. “Is there any chance you’ll stay in Sugarloaf?”
“No. I will never stay here.”
“Not for anything?”
I’m not being fair. He doesn’t know all the reasons behind why I’m asking.
Declan’s jaw tightens, and he shakes his head. “There’s nothing that could hold me here. This town … it’s filled with things I can’t be near.”
Things like me.
“Maybe one day you’ll change your mind,” I say and then turn.
“Syd.”
I shake my head, spinning back to face him. “Don’t. I’m not asking for it to be me. I’m really not. What happened a couple of months ago was meant to be a goodbye. I know where you stand, and you know where I stand.”
I also know that the next six months will prove a lot.
“You two going to make out?” Connor calls from the top of the porch.
“Keep it up, and you’ll have a house full of ducks,” I warn.
His grin falls, and I mentally pat myself on the back. He’s so easy to rattle. Connor is the only former SEAL I know who is afraid of a freaking farm animal, and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Let’s not forget I know your fears too,” he replies with mischief in his voice.
Declan and I climb the stairs, and the two of them embrace. “Good to see you, Duckie,” Declan slaps his brother’s shoulder.
Fight for Me Page 4
