The doctor enters, goes over the operation again and informs me it’ll be general anesthesia.
I wipe my tears, and Sierra watches me with troubled eyes. “You have to fight, Sydney. For him. For Declan. For me and Mom and everyone else who loves you more than anything. Please promise me.”
She doesn’t have to worry about that. I won’t ever give up. “I promise.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Declan
I call Sydney again, but she doesn’t answer, and I don’t blame her. For the last two days, everything that could’ve gone wrong, has. The paperwork that was supposed to arrive that day didn’t come until this morning. Then there was an accident on the highway that shut it down, preventing me from getting back to Sugarloaf in time.
My fucking phone died, and I didn’t have a charger in the car because I wasn’t supposed to have to stay overnight. Now, I’m on my way to her house prepared to grovel, beg, and pray she forgives me.
I get there, and her car isn’t parked in the drive.
Shit.
I call Ellie, hoping she knows. “Hey, have you heard from Syd?”
“I did earlier. She asked me if I knew where you were.”
Dread fills my limbs, and I stand here, hand on the door handle. “What did you tell her?”
“That you left.”
Fuck. I close my eyes and slam my hand on the hood of the car. “Do you know where she is now?”
“No, is everything okay?”
“I don’t know. If you hear from her let me know.”
There’s no way she should still be at her appointment, but maybe …
I rush into the car and make the twenty-minute drive, all the while waiting and hoping she’ll call me back. This is such a nightmare. I’ve screwed up at every turn and I’m going to grovel for her forgiveness. I could’ve had Milo push the closing back. I could’ve stopped at some store on the way and bought a damn charger. All these things just seemed to have slowed me down. Now, I see what a fool I am.
Nothing should’ve been less important than letting her know I was going to her.
I grip the wheel and then pull into the parking lot.
Thankfully, her car is in the parking lot. Relief fills me as I enter the office. There’s a nurse standing at the desk.
“Hi, I’m here for Sydney Hastings. I’m late, but I see her car here. I’m Declan Arrowood,” I say quickly, not taking a breath. “I’m the ... the father.”
The nurse gives me a soft smile and then tucks her hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, Mr. Arrowood, I see you listed here as to be allowed access into her appointment, but unfortunately, she’s not in the office.”
That doesn’t make any sense.
“But? Her car”—I look out of the big windows and point—“it’s right there. Did she have the appointment? Did someone else come?”
Sydney wouldn’t just leave her car.
“I can’t give you any other information than to tell you she’s not here.”
“Then where is she?”
“Again, I can’t give you any other information.”
“Can I talk to the doctor?”
The nurse looks away and then dials a number. “Dr. Madison, there’s a Mr. Declan Arrowood here inquiring about Ms. Hastings. Would you be able to speak with him?” A pause. “Yes. Okay.” She gives me a look that borders on irritated and disappointed but then points to the door. “I’ll bring you back to see the doctor.”
“Thank you.” And I truly mean it. Maybe the doctor can tell me something that she can’t.
When the door opens, I see a familiar face and thank God for miracles. “Natasha.”
She walks forward, a slightly older version of the girl I’ve known for a very long time. She’s still short, long brown hair, and a smile that tells you she’s still mischievous, even in her very serious profession.
“Declan, it’s good to see you.” She pulls me into a hug.
“Where is Syd? Her car is here, and I’ve been calling her nonstop.”
She puts her hand up. “She gave us the approval to allow you into her appointments, but I can’t disclose her medical information. I just reread the letter she granted, and I can’t tell you anything about the appointment without her present.”
“I’m not asking for that, I’m just asking if you know where she is.”
She lets out a noise that’s a sigh and a grumble. “I know that, and as your friend, I would love to be able to give you that answer, but since she’s also my patient, I really can’t.”
I shake my head, irritated that she’s talking in circles. What the hell does one have to do with the other? “I’ve had a horrible day and all I want to do is to try to plead my case and get her to forgive me. I wanted to be here. I was doing everything I could, but the highway was shut down and then my phone died, and then I didn’t want to stop to buy a charger because it would have just wasted more time. I just ... please, I’m begging you as a friend, where is our other friend?”
My heart is pounding in my chest. I have never hated myself as much as I do now. I should’ve been here. I never should’ve left any of this to chance.
She looks up with her teeth between her lips. “All I can say is that you might want to call Sierra.”
I’m out of my seat before she can say anything else. “Thank you.”
I rush out of the office, back into my car. I have no clue how to get in touch with Sierra, but I’m sure Jimmy does. I’ll beg anyone to get it.
I’m heading back toward Sugarloaf, my mind all over the place as to why Sierra would know where she is and why her car was there when my phone rings.
Sydney.
Thank God.
“Syd?” I say quickly. There’s a pause, and I go on, needing to say it all. “Syd, I’m so sorry. I was on my way and something happened on route 80 and then my phone died. I swear, I was coming to the appointment. I just left there, and I’m … God, I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry. This will be the last time I disappoint you. I love you, Bean. So fucking much and … please, forgive me.”
There’s nothing on the other line and panic builds. Jesus, I really fucked up.
Then a sniffle.
“Syd?”
“Declan, it’s Sierra.”
My heart starts pounding, and my mouth goes dry. “Sierra, where is Sydney?”
Her breathing is loud through the line. “We’re in Philadelphia. I think, I don’t know … I wasn’t supposed to call you, but ...”
“Tell me where you are,” I say pulling the car off the side of the road. “Please, I need to explain to her.”
“There’s a problem, and I think you should come.”
“What problem?”
“With Sydney. They just took her back into surgery …”
My heart stops and time goes still. “She’s in surgery? Did she lose the baby? Is that what happened?” Tears fill my eyes as the vision of the life I was going to give her disappears. “The baby?” I just barely choke out.
“Oh God,” she rushes to say. “No, it’s not the baby, it’s her. They found something and—just come here and I’ll tell you everything. Hopefully, she’ll be out of surgery when you get here.”
She gives me the information to the hospital and where to go. “I’m on my way now, I’ll call this phone when I get there.”
Once I hang up the phone, I send a prayer that I get there and everything is okay, then I drive as though I’ve already lost everything.
“Sierra,” I say as I enter the small waiting room.
“Declan!”
She’s on her feet and rushing to me a moment later. I catch her and she starts to cry again. I’ve known her pretty much my entire life and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this distraught. Her fingers grip the back of my shirt as she holds on.
“It’s okay, just … tell me what’s going on,” I urge us both into chairs.
She draws a deep breath and starts to speak. “I got a call that they found somet
hing in the ultrasound today, she was hysterical, and Syd doesn’t get hysterical, you know? I got to the hospital where they did a different type of ultrasound, and it was all very confusing. Needless to say, it wasn’t good, and they transferred her here where they decided to operate.”
“But she’s pregnant.”
“Yes, and they say they can do this, but, Dec, she was terrified. I’m freaking the fuck out. She made me take this letter.” Sierra digs in her purse and hands it to me. “I can’t do this. I can’t pick.”
“Pick? Pick what?”
I open the letter up and start to read. My hands are shaking and I have to focus to stay calm. “No,” I say the word when I read her requests. She can’t ask this. To save the baby over her. “The baby isn’t even here. No. This is crazy. There can be another baby, but there is no other Sydney.”
The words fall from my lips as dread fills my heart. She can’t ask this. No, more than that, she can’t die.
Sierra rests her hand on my arm. “She said she needed to make her wishes known so I wouldn’t have to decide. I’m sick to my stomach, and I just keep reassuring myself that this is the planner in Sydney. The girl who needs to have all her ducks in a row.”
I can’t think about her dying. There’s no way because I just got her back. I just decided we were going to make it work and love again. So, she is not going to die. There are no ducks to be in a row.
“Did the doctor say anything about the risks?” I ask.
“Yes. There’s a chance that either she or the baby could go into distress. It’s surgery, while pregnant, but they said it just couldn’t wait. The tumor is sitting in an area that could hurt the baby. She was devastated, Dec. I’ve never seen her so broken. Well, I have, but it was when ...”
When I broke her heart. She doesn’t have to say it, I know it all too well. It’s also probably the last time I felt this out of control. Everything feels like it’s falling apart all over again. I want to scream and throw something. “Why didn’t she call me?”
Sierra looks down and then back up. “You hurt her.”
“I was coming.”
“She didn’t know that. Ellie told her you left, and …”
“You all assumed that meant for good.” My track record would prove that to be the case. Now, I could lose her or both of them. I read the letter again, seeing the name. “It’s a boy?”
She nods. “She wants to name him Deacon. I’m assuming that, even as much as you hurt her, she still has faith in you.”
I run my hand over my face and then rest my elbows on my knees before I look over to her. “Faith I don’t deserve.”
“Maybe not, but isn’t that what faith is?”
I look to Sierra, feeling this overwhelming sense of grief. “I hurt her when I was doing everything I could to make her happy.”
Her head tilts to the side. “What exactly were you doing?”
“I bought the farm.”
Her eyes widen, and her lips part in surprise. “Our farm?”
“Yes. I knew she didn’t really want to sell it, so I figured I would buy it, hold it for her, and she could have it back when she realized it was a mistake.”
She leans back in her chair and smiles at me. “You bought our farm.”
“A lot of good it did me. I missed the appointment today because I …” I fall silent, hating that I will have to admit this. I was such a fool, and now, I have to wait to tell her how I feel.
“Because you?” Sierra prompts.
“Because I didn’t fight for her. I let her walk away that night, and I spent the next two days securing the house instead of making sure she knew I loved her and the baby.”
Sierra rubs my back and then sighs. “You know, my sister has loved you for as long as I can remember. She was broken after you left, but she could never fully let you go, no matter how hard I pushed. Sydney doesn’t know what her heart would look like without you holding a piece of it. Love like that doesn’t disappear.”
I hope to God that’s true. “I’ve never stopped loving her.”
“I think she knows that, in her heart at least.”
I shake my head, wishing I could make sure she knew that in her mind too. I failed her in so many ways. I should’ve done so many things differently, and as soon as she wakes up, I plan to tell her all of that.
I think about the child we’re about to have, and how I will do better for him.
I look back at Sierra. “We’re having a boy.”
She smiles softly. “Yeah. You guys are.”
“She’s going to be fine.” There is no other option. They will both pull out of this and then I’ll find a way to explain it to Sydney. The two of us will work it out and be a family.
“Sydney isn’t a quitter.”
“No, she’s not.”
She has to be okay. They both do.
Just then a doctor enters, and Sierra gets to her feet. We both watch for any sign from him, and when his eyes drop to the floor, my heart does as well.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Declan
There are moments in my life that I have felt helpless, but this brings a whole other meaning to that word. When my mother died, I thought my world would end. When my father caused the accident that changed my life, I knew nothing would be the same.
Hearing the doctor try to explain what is happening with Sydney has broken me.
“I don’t understand,” Sierra says as she clutches my arm, tears falling down her face.
“The surgery went well, and the tumor has been removed, but we’re having a hard time waking her from anesthesia. I’m not sure what is going on, but we’re running tests to see what is causing her to stay under.”
My breathing is short, trying to keep myself together and comprehend what the hell is happening. “So, she’s alive?” I ask.
“Yes, she’s alive and breathing on her own, but she isn’t waking or responding.”
“Were there any complications during the surgery?” I push for more clarification. “Can’t she just wake up? Is this normal?”
The doctor shakes his head. “No, it’s not normal, and we didn’t encounter anything we didn’t expect. She lost a little more blood than I would’ve liked, but nothing I was concerned over.”
“What about the baby?” My voice is strained, even to my own ears.
“The baby was monitored the entire time, and he’s doing great. Heart rate is still strong. I don’t want you to panic,” he says quickly. “It could be nothing, but we are keeping an eye on her anyway, and like I said, we are going to run some additional tests to make sure she isn’t having a reaction to the anesthesia. Know that we’re doing everything we can, and we’ll continue to keep her in ICU just so she has continuous care.”
“Can we see her?” Sierra’s voice cracks.
“Just one at a time.”
I turn to Sierra, and she wipes her face. “You should go first, I have to call … family and ... go see her, Dec.”
This can’t be happening. I can’t lose her now. I just got her back. She’ll wake up, she just needs a reason to do it. I follow the doctor back to the room, not saying a word, wishing that, when I walk in there, she’ll be glaring at me and I can fall to my knees and beg her to understand.
I’ll tell her everything, prove to her that I love her and explain that I wasn’t away because I left her but because I wanted to give her something she cherished.
All of this will be cleared up, I know it. It has to because no god is cruel enough to take away the only thing I have left.
Sure, I have my brothers, but they aren’t Sydney.
They aren’t my reason for living.
The glass door to her room slides to the left, and time stops.
All the lies about this not being real prove true.
There she is.
Lying there, unmoving with her eyes closed as monitors beep all around her.
My Sydney, the girl who had more life in her tiny body than a thousand people, is st
ill. Her laughter and smart comments aren’t filling the air.
Instead, it’s silent.
Eerily quiet.
And I want to die.
I want her back. I want to be able to beg her to forgive me, promise to let myself love her, and give her the faith that I’ve failed to show her.
And then, I do something I haven’t done since I lost my mother … I cry. Tears fall down my cheeks as the despair grips me in a way I have never felt before this moment.
Please, God, don’t do this. Please give me another chance to make this right. Don’t take everything I never knew I needed. Let me … please.
I move forward, dread making my feet feel like they’re lead balloons. My heart is beating fast, and I can’t speak as I make my way to the side of her bed and take her hand in mine.
Tears fall freely down my cheeks, but I don’t brush them aside. I let them slice down my face, right through to my heart.
“Can she … is she?” I try to form a question, but the words are garbled and halting as they catch in my throat.
“She’s alive and breathing on her own, we’re not sure if she can hear, but she’s not responding at this point. I’ll give you some time before we take her down for another test. Maybe hearing your voice will help.” The doctor pushes the door open and leaves.
I’m not sure what to do. Nothing feels right, and there’s an emptiness inside me.
I push her blonde hair back from her face. “Syd, you have to wake up.” She doesn’t move. “See, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist, and I can’t handle losing you, so I need you to wake up. I know what I’m asking is selfish, and you have no reason to care if I’m in agony without you, but I need you, Bean.” I sit in the chair, my hand wraps around hers. “I should’ve come after you that night. I should’ve run to you and begged you to forgive me for being a coward. If I had told you about it all—my plans, my fears, my heart—then maybe you would be awake right now. I love you, Sydney. I love you more than I can ever express. You need to wake up so I can tell you all of this though. I want to make it up to you and our son.” My throat tightens, my voice cracks and another sob breaks free.
Fight for Me Page 19
