She rubs my cheeks. “Rest, my sweet girl, I’m right here.”
I allow my lids to fall, and as exhausted as I am, I don’t fall asleep. I drift in a muddled, dreamlike haze that is on the edge of unconsciousness. There’s a shuffle in the background, tempting me to open my eyes, but I can’t focus enough on it.
Just as darkness starts to overtake me, on the very edges of consciousness, I sense him. I feel his warmth, his scent of musk and spice meets my nose, and then the deep timbre of his voice fills my ear. “Thank you, Mom. I couldn’t have survived losing her.”
It’s been four days of resting, trying to function, and being around Declan. He will not leave. He won’t argue with me or go away, he’s just always here. Each time the doctor encourages me to do something to regain my strength, there he is … pushing me to do it.
I want to hurl something at his head.
“You should go home, you have a job,” I say as I lower myself into the chair, which is part of my daily to-do list.
Sitting.
Not walking or trying to do anything of great effort, but moving from the bed to this damn chair for more than forty minutes.
What does one do when forced to sit in a chair? Talk to the man who won’t go away.
“I’m perfectly fine here.”
“Yes, you’ve said this, but you should go.”
Declan shrugs. “I’m good.”
I groan and let my head fall back. “Our son is going to have your stubbornness, and I’m going to want to strangle myself.”
“Yes, because you’re the most accommodating person ever.”
“You’re the one who won’t leave.”
“Because I love you, and I’m not going until we figure our shit out.”
He said that yesterday, and my response was to force myself to go to sleep to avoid this exact topic. I don’t want to have it out. I want to go home and ignore him.
However, I know that isn’t going to happen.
It’s also the coward’s way out, and I’m not a coward.
“You made your choice.”
“I told you what happened,” he replies. “I know you don’t forgive me, and honestly, you shouldn’t, but I’m going to make it up to you.”
I breathe heavily and try to slow my racing heart. He has no idea how much I want this to all be true. But I think his promise is coming from a place of fear, and once I’m out of the hospital, he will take it all back and leave again.
“You don’t have to do this.” My voice is soft and strained.
“Do what?”
I open my eyes and let him see the truth there. “You don’t have to stay here out of obligation.”
He flinches and moves closer, eyes never leaving mine. “Is that what you think? That I’m here because I feel obligated to be?” His voice is low. “Because that’s the furthest thing from the truth.”
My pulse is rapid because he’s close enough for me to smell his cologne. “I don’t know what the truth is.”
“Are you ready to have this discussion? Because I am trying not to push you and let you recover without adding to your stress.”
I wish that were possible, but my stress levels aren’t going down without this discussion. If anything, I can’t seem to think about anything else. Why is he here? What does he want? When will he leave? And how the hell will I endure all of this?
But those answers can’t come from me.
“I think we have to.”
Declan crouches so his face is right in front of mine. “I was coming for you, Sydney. I was late, I know I was, and I’m so, so sorry, but I’m here now.”
“For how long, Dec?”
“Forever.”
I sit, staring at him, waiting for him to laugh or smile or something, but he doesn’t.
“Forever?” I ask. Maybe I heard him wrong. Maybe there is some weird side effect from the coma that is making me hear things that aren’t real.
“I’m not leaving. I’m not going back to New York City, not unless you’re with me, and if I have to stay in Sugarloaf or wherever you go, I’ll do that. You see, I lived eight years without you in my life. I existed by thinking that you were happy, better off without me, and I can’t exist that way anymore.”
“You can’t?”
“No.” His hand lifts and his palm settles on my cheek. “No, I can’t.”
I try to force myself to swallow and then pull in a deep breath. “You say this now, but why?”
“Do you know why I didn’t make it to the appointment? What it was that I had to do in the city?”
I shake my head.
“Well, there was this thing I was buying, and it became really difficult out of nowhere. I had time—or, I thought I did, but the seller changed their mind.”
Anger starts to build, and I can’t hold it back. He missed the appointment, not because of something important or an emergency. No, it was because he was buying something he wanted. I don’t know why he thought this wasn’t going to be no big deal.
“So, you left me and missed the appointment to see our son over something you were buying?”
“Well, the buyer made an unrealistic demand that I needed to move the date up by a month.”
I roll my eyes. “And this is supposed to make me feel, what? Bad for you?”
“You’re asking the wrong questions, Syd.”
I cross my arms over my chest and fight back the urge to flip him off. “Well, then why don’t you tell me what I should ask.”
He grins. “What was I buying?”
Because this conversation is exhausting and I’m not getting anywhere, I play his game. “Fine. What were you buying?”
“Your farm.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Sydney
Did he just say my farm?
“What?” I ask on a haggard breath.
“I’m the buyer for your farm.”
I blink a few times, waiting for him to correct himself, but he doesn’t. This entire thing is so confusing. “I don’t understand.”
The property just went under contract a week ago. Before he knew about the baby or we slept together the second time. It doesn’t make any sense.
Declan moves closer and his hand drops to mine. My chest feels tight. “Milo called me when you were going to take the deal with that company, and I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t imagine you not living in Sugarloaf, and I couldn’t handle the thought that your farm, the pond, the barn, the property line where we used to meet, wouldn’t be yours. I knew that I was the reason you were leaving, and I couldn’t let you lose anything else because of me.”
My lip trembles as I feel the honesty in his words. “That was all before …”
“Before the baby. Before the night we shared. Before all of this.”
He should’ve told me. I wouldn’t have let him do it. “Declan …” Tears fill my vision, and I fight to hold them back.
“No, Syd, let me say this, please. I told you ten times when you were in the coma, but I need you to hear it now that you’re awake too. I love you. I love you for the memories we made and the ones I want us to make. I wasn’t running away from you, I was chasing you. I was buying the farm because I knew it was what would make you happy. I left you all those years ago because I didn’t want to weigh you down with the baggage I’d bring. Everything I’ve done has been with you in my heart. And now …” He pauses and his head shakes. “Now, I can’t leave you. Not because we’re having a baby but because I can’t live without you. And if I could, I wouldn’t want to. I want to love you every day. I want to walk to the pond and make love to you in the sunlight. I want to kiss you just because I can. I want to raise our child together, and I want to do what I should’ve done eight years ago instead of walk away—marry you.”
My breath catches, and that tear falls down my cheek.
He bought my farm.
He knew that, somewhere in my heart, it wasn’t what I wanted, and he bought it. I drop my head into my hands and start to cr
y harder. It’s all too much. How can he say all this now? Doesn’t he know that my heart has always been his? Can he not see that my life has been waiting for this moment and it’s just too … hard?
“Sydney,” Declan’s fingers wrap around my wrist.
I slowly lift my head and meet his gaze. “You bought my farm.”
“I did.”
“Because you love me.”
“I do.”
“And now you’re saying you want to marry me?”
Declan nods. “Yes. I want to marry you, raise our child, and be a family. I want it all, Syd.”
This big, broken part of me is rejoicing and telling me to leap into his arms and love him for all we are. I have loved this man for so damn long, and this is all I’ve ever wanted. The other part of me, the hurt part that doesn’t trust him, is telling me to tread carefully. Yes, he bought the farm before, but then he let me go when I told him about the baby.
He let me walk away and didn’t come after me.
“Why did you wait so long after the wedding to come for me?”
Declan’s fingers intertwine with mine and regret fills his eyes. “Because I was an idiot. I wanted to chase you that night, but I was so fucked in the head after finding out about the baby. There’s a deep fear in me that I have some of my father in me. I would rather cut myself out of everyone’s life than inflict any harm on a child. I’m not proud of it, but the next morning, when I got my head out of my ass, I was going to you, but Milo told me of the new requirements.”
“I was running away,” I admit. “When you didn’t come for me, I couldn’t handle it. I can’t handle another person abandoning me.”
He rubs his thumb against the top of my hand. “I won’t ever leave you again, Sydney. Watching you lay in this hospital bed for days were the lowest moments of my life.”
This is what scares me. That all of this is drawn from fear. “What about when things get hard? What about when you’re scared again? What about when you delude yourself into thinking you know what’s best for everyone and you push me and the baby away?”
Declan doesn’t say anything for a few moments. We just look at each other. He can deny that he won’t do that, but we know he probably will. His desire to protect the people he loves always wins out, and he’s usually wrong.
I can’t pretend to believe otherwise.
“I didn’t make the decision because I thought you were going to die.”
“Do you understand why I don’t fully believe you?”
Declan nods and then gets to his feet so he can cup my face. “I’m not asking for you to suddenly trust me. I’ve done a lot of things to prove otherwise.” He brings his lips to mine in a soft kiss. “But I love you, Sydney, and I’m going to marry you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week or even next month, but one day, you’re going to be my wife, even if it means I have to chase you to the ends of the earth.”
My heart pounds against my chest as I stare into Declan’s eyes. “And if I keep running?”
He grins down as though he’s really hoping that’s the case. “Then I hope you never take a break because I’m ready for a marathon.”
Well, then … I better get my rest so I can make it out of the gate.
“And how long until you’re able to go home?” Ellie asks.
It’s another day of physical therapy and they are rubbing my legs. They hurt so badly from the extra strain on my muscles. It’s been tough this week. They’re pushing me harder, forcing my body to do more each day, and with the slight pain from the surgery—it sucks.
“Hopefully the end of the week.”
“And what are you going to do? You can’t go home alone. Please come stay with Connor and me,” she urges.
I love her, but there is no chance in hell that’s happening. Their house is in total shambles since the construction on their new home is just about done, they just got married, and they have an eight-year-old running around. I love Hadley, but her energy levels probably won’t help my recovery.
“Thank you, Els, but I’ll just go to Sierra’s if I have to.”
“No! You can’t!”
“Why?”
“Because my brother-in-law will die. And a dead Arrowood is really not something I’d like to deal with.” Her smile is wide.
“I doubt he’ll die.”
She laughs once and then sighs. “No, but Connor might kill him.”
My head tilts to the side as I wait for further explanation.
“When you were … sleeping … Declan was beside himself. I have never seen anyone so devoted to anything as Declan was trying to get you to wake. He talked to you almost constantly, and he just wouldn’t give up.”
I’ve heard this so many times that I can’t help but believe it, but I don’t fully trust it. Declan has proven me wrong time and time again. He’s failed me when it mattered most, and he has a bad habit of pulling away when he thinks it’s best.
There isn’t a part of my heart that doesn’t believe he has good intentions, but the sudden decision to repair our relationship has me most worried.
“It’s not that I don’t love him, because Lord knows that has never gone away for me. I worry about what kind of future I can expect.”
“Once upon a time, a very good friend of mine told me I was being an idiot for letting Connor go. She told me about how she would give anything to have the other half of her heart back.”
I inhaled deeply through my nose and ignore her tone. “Ellie, it’s not that simple.”
“It never is.”
“And what happens if he leaves again? And did you know he bought my damn farm?”
“No. He told no one until the day of your surgery.”
Seems I wasn’t the only one keeping a secret from the people around us.
“Well, even if he told you, I wouldn’t expect you to say anything.”
She squeezes my hand gently. “I still would’ve.”
I have the best friends ever. Between Ellie and Devney, I don’t have to worry about anything. They’ve been here, even though they have their own lives to worry about, and have offered their unwavering support. “Are you feeling okay?” I ask her.
“I’m great. The baby is good, we decided not to find out the sex.”
My eyes widen in surprise. “Uh, what?”
“I didn’t know with Hadley and there was some fun in it. Connor said he was fine to leave it as a surprise. I think he’s worried about the house, Hadley, you, his brothers … we haven’t had time to fret over it. We know he or she is healthy and moving around in there.”
“You’ve felt the baby?” I ask, sitting up just a bit. I’ve been waiting and hoping, but it hasn’t happened.
“Yeah, it started a few weeks ago.”
“Oh,” I can hear the desolation in my tone.
“Syd, I’ve had a baby, so I know what it feels like. Do you get this butterfly type sensation at all? Like something is just … fluttery or bubbly but you can’t tell if it’s indigestion or gas?”
I nod. “Constantly.”
“That’s him!”
“Really?” That’s sort of underwhelming. “I thought it would be more pronounced.”
Ellie laughs. “Oh, it will be. I’m already feeling it more and more. Now that you know, it’ll be more noticeable. At night, when it’s quiet and I’m lying in bed, I feel it most.”
Well, I’ve been in bed forever, and I don’t feel anything all that wondrous.
“I’m happy for you, Els.” She looks at me with a hint of puzzlement on her face. “I mean that you and Connor are happy. You have Hadley, the house, and the baby coming. It’s the life you were always meant to have.”
Ellie releases a breath through her nose. “I’m going to say this with all the love in the world. You’re a dumbass. Declan wants to give you all the same. He bought the farm because he was worried you would regret it and knew that, if he owned it, you wouldn’t lose it. He was by your side not out of obligation but because he couldn’t b
e away from you. All the things you’ve ever wanted are right in front of you. He’s there, Syd. His arm is outstretched, you just have to take it.”
My heart knows she’s right.
It’s my head that holds the fear, though, and it’s telling me that he’s dropped it before too.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Sydney
“Good afternoon, gorgeous,” Declan says as he enters the room. His smile is bright, and he has another bouquet of flowers.
This time, it’s hydrangeas—my favorite.
“Good evening is more like it.”
He leans over and kisses my forehead before putting the flowers next to the other ones he brought. “When you bought the farm, did you also purchase a florist shop?”
“No, why?”
I look over to the row of flowers on the ledge by the window. One is from Connor and Ellie, one is from Jacob, and the other twelve are from Declan.
He laughs. “I just remember you liked flowers.”
“I do, but we’re good now.”
“Noted.”
He throws out the three dead bouquets and then sits in his chair. He left for a few hours to go home, get clean clothes, and get some work files he needed. When I told him he didn’t have to return, he laughed as though I were an idiot and said he’d see me soon.
Soon is now, and I’m in a terrible mood.
The thing is that I missed him.
Even with all his hovering and driving me nuts, I don’t feel alone when he’s here. Sierra is being a mom and doing all the things she neglected when I was in danger, my mother had to go back to work, and everyone else’s lives go on. Which I get, but … I felt the loss of him.
It was so great that I ached.
And then I decided I hated him and myself for being like this again.
Here I am, trying so hard to go slow, feel my way around this situation so I don’t trip and face-plant, and the first second I have to deal with his absence, I crumble.
I’m pathetic and so deeply in love with the man, it isn’t normal.
Fight for Me Page 22
