I laughed. “Right. I guess I’ll have a nonalcoholic cider.”
“Sounds good.” Ryan pulled out two bottles of cider, popped the top off one and handed it to me then popped the top off of the other. He took a long pulled then sighed. “Almost as good as the real thing. You want to sit for a minute? The chicken needs a little more time to marinate.”
“Sure.” I followed him to the luxurious leather sofas and took a seat at one end, far from Ryan. I wasn’t ready to sit that close to him yet.
“So,” Ryan said before ducking his head and taking a pull from his cider.
A heavy silence thrummed between us. I didn’t know what to say. This felt like an uncomfortable first date. Except it wasn’t a first date. We’d hooked up. I knew what he looked like naked. I’d traced a few of his tattoos with my tongue. He’d held a stick I’d peed on. He watched a nurse handle a jar of my pee. And now here we were, having dinner together and unable to come up with a single thing to say to each other.
Awkward.
But he’d already laid it all out for me with his “hundred percent in” comment. I wanted to do my part too, so I searched for something—anything—to say.
“So, Dylan lives right next door, huh? How’d that happen?” I asked.
Ryan’s brow wrinkled. “There were two condos for sale, and we bought them.”
“I kinda figured that part out on my own.” I laughed. “What I meant was did you guys intend to live next to each other? Was that the plan? Or did he follow you? Or did you follow him?”
“I don’t even remember who found the place first. When we first moved out of Aunt Wendy’s house, Dylan and I roomed together in an apartment in Ben Ali, not that far from the Kings’ clubhouse. It was a shithole. But it was all we could afford at the time. We really wanted to get out and live on our own, you know. Anyhow, we saved up because we were paying fuck all for rent, and when we got the signing bonus for the TV special, we moved here. I can’t remember who found what first. It just felt right. Dylan and I have been joined at the hip for forever. Might as well be neighbors, too. I can’t get away from my family. Not that I want to.”
“That sounds kinda awesome. I wish…” I trailed off not sure I should or could finish the thought. The love that Ryan had for his family was awe inspiring. I’d seen it on the show and could hear it in his voice. It was awesome and lovely and just so foreign to me.
Ryan tilted his head. “What do you wish?”
“I just wish… I’ve never had that with my family. When I was little my mom was so busy going to school then working, I spent more time in daycare and at the Boys and Girls Club than I did with her. And then she married Cal when I was eleven. I don’t know. It just never felt like I fit in. I was without a family, and then I was outside the family when they had a baby together. I was always the afterthought.” I paused and made a face at my sudden outpour. “And wow, I didn’t mean to unload all that. Are you sure this is nonalcoholic?”
I laughed weakly at my pathetic joke. I couldn’t look at Ryan. It felt like I’d stripped bare in front of him, and he was contemplating all my flaws. Instead I picked at the label on my bottle and hoped like hell he wouldn’t want to dive deeper into my verbal diarrhea.
I flinched when the cushions jostled as Ryan moved down to me. He stopped a few inches away but didn’t touch me.
“I’m sorry about your childhood. How old is your brother? Sister?”
“My brother, Sage, is twelve.” I frowned. I had no idea where he was going with this.
“That’s what? A ten, twelve year age difference? Kinda makes it hard to be siblings then.”
“I guess. By the time he had a personality and could do stuff, I was in high school. And the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with a preschooler.”
“Nah, I get that. I couldn’t imagine growing up without my brothers and Sabrina. We’re all so close. Especially me, Dylan, and Sabrina. We’re kinda the three musketeers.” He frowned and looked away. “Or at least I thought we were.”
“Is something wrong?”
“What? No.” He turned back and smiled at me.
Not that I bought it. “Come on. It’s only fair. I poured out about my secret pain. You gotta share something with me.”
“There’s nothing secret about my pain.” Ryan snorted. “Everyone knows my dad killed my mom.”
“We haven’t even gotten to my daddy issues.” I shook my head. “Sorry, that came out way grosser than I meant. What I was trying to say is that I have way more issues. We haven’t even scratched the surface. But you gotta give me something.”
Ryan laughed lightly at my phrasing. “Uh, maybe. Have we reached the secret sharing part of this relationship yet?”
“Um, yeah? I’m pregnant with your baby and just told you about my screwed up childhood. I think we’re way past it.”
“No, I just meant…” He sighed. “I’m going to tell you something that I need you to keep just between me and you. My brothers don’t even know and I don’t, she doesn’t, want them to know.”
I frowned when he said she but nodded anyway.
He reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I guess a year ago my cousin Sabrina was secretly dating someone, accidently got pregnant, and then miscarried a few weeks into the pregnancy.”
“Oh no.” I covered my belly with my hands. “That’s so horrible. I don’t…I can’t even imagine.”
Ryan nodded tightly. “And she didn’t tell anyone about any of it. She went through all of that alone. I only found out about it Monday. I’m just…I’m hurting for her. I can tell she’s still torn up about it, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. The only reason I know is because she heard me talking to you on the phone and figured out our situation. I don’t think she even meant to tell me. It just slipped out. And I don’t know. It hurts to know that she went through that, but it also hurts that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it. I would’ve been there for her. I want to have been there for her. I just…”
He trailed off and shook his head. I scooted across the cushion separating us and wrapped my arms around him. He was clearly grieving for his cousin and also, I think, for himself.
“I’m so sorry, Ryan.” I didn’t know what to say beyond that. Even though this pregnancy had thrown my life into chaos, I was already attached to it. After my initial freak out—okay, days long freak out—I started thinking about what it would mean. I would have a chance to do everything I wished my mom had done for me. It was a do over of sorts. And I wanted it. Loved the thought of it. Sure, it would be hard, but this baby was mine.
And I really didn’t want to think about the possibility of losing it.
Ryan’s hand rubbed up and down my back. His voice was somewhat muffled when he finally spoke. “Thanks. But, um, for obvious reasons I don’t think Sabrina wants anyone else to know.”
I pulled back. “I won’t say anything. Besides, it’s not like I have a roaring social life.”
“Yeah, about that. I guess your dad is still pissed about us?”
“Yup. He hasn’t reached out to me at all. And to be honest, I’m not all that eager to talk to him after that last time.”
“Maybe you need to spend some time with my family, then. They’re going to be in your life. Might as well get to know them now.”
“I’d like that.”
Ryan laughed. “You say that now, but trust me. You spend any amount of time with my brothers, they will get on your nerves.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Great. Uh, before I get started on dinner there is one thing I want to talk to you about.”
“Okay.”
“It’s kinda related to the whole Sabrina thing. Well, something she told me anyhow. Uh, she said miscarriages are more likely to happen in the first couple of months and that’s why she didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy. She thought it would be a good idea for us to wait and not tell anyone until you’re more…established, I guess. It’s not like you can
get more pregnant.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m screwing this up. I guess what I’m asking is: do you want to wait before telling our families? Aside from Dylan and Sabrina. Obviously, they know about us and the baby, but what about everyone else?”
“I guess I want to wait? I haven’t really thought about it much. I mean my dad would have to contact me for me to even tell him, and if I’m honest, I’m not ready to tell my mom. We have a strained relationship as it is. She’s not exactly thrilled that I moved here to be with my dad. And now I have to tell her I’m having a baby with one of his biker friends.” I shook my head. “It will not go over well.”
Ryan’s brow wrinkled. “What’s to disappoint? You’re a beautiful, college educated woman. They should be supporting you.”
“Family isn’t always a safe place to fall. You of all people know that.”
Ryan conceded my point with a chin jerk. “True.” He paused to clear his throat. “There’s another awkward angle to this that I haven’t told you yet. Uh, you know we’re gonna start filming on our series soon? I don’t think it would be a good idea to have this front and center. The producer can be shady as hell and once he starts digging…” He trailed off and blew a raspberry. “I’m worried about them causing shit with your dad and the club.”
I could see it now. The producers would love to give us a Romeo and Juliet, forbidden love kinda slant to the drama. Reality show gold. “Crap.”
“Yeah.” Ryan laughed bitterly. “It’s shady as fuck considering how I felt about Sabrina’s situation, but I think we need to keep the pregnancy under wraps for the time being. That’s an atom bomb we need to be prepared for when it finally drops. And in the meantime, we could date as two regular, non-pregnant people.”
“Non-pregnant people? What the heck?” I laughed.
“I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever talked this much in my life. My smoothness was never gonna last long. But anyway, back to my point—going forward with my family and the filming. You’re the girl in my life, and I want to see you. I want to be with you. I want to get to know you. Kiss you. Do other stuff with you. That’s my point. I like you, Hope Stephens. Will you go out with me?”
My breath caught in my throat. There was something so old school amazing about his question. I don’t think anyone had asked me that since I was thirteen. And for it to come from this man at this moment? I smiled as a flush spread across my face and body.
“Yes, Ryan Burns. I’ll go out with you.”
Ryan gave a whoop and gathered me in his arms again. “This is gonna be fun, beautiful. You’ll see.”
And then he covered my lips in a kiss that had my heart racing in seconds. It was everything our night together had been plus the promise of more. That time we’d been derailed by the broken condom and now…
Now, I was pregnant. I was having a baby with this man.
Oh man, was I in trouble.
I couldn’t wait to see what came next.
Chapter 14
Ryan
She was soft and pliant in my arms at first, kissing me back like there was nothing she wanted in this life more. My dick was hard and aching in seconds. I was running different scenarios in my head. Should I toss her over my shoulder and head for my bedroom? Or say screw it and get busy right here? It wasn’t like we’d need any condoms nearby. But before I could decide which route to take, she changed. Instead of the warm, needy, passionate woman, she was suddenly stiff and rigid in my arms.
I pulled back to ask what was wrong when Hope bolted from the couch. She raced out of the room, down the hall and slammed the bathroom door shut.
What the hell?
I followed her and hovered uncertainly outside the bathroom door. No sounds filtered out. Was she feeling okay? Did I freak her out by moving too fast?
“Hope?” I called hesitantly after knocking softly.
Nothing.
What the hell?
And then I heard the telltale sounds of someone retching.
Fuck.
I pushed open the door and found her on her knees in front of my toilet. Placing my hand over hers, I took over the job of holding her hair back.
“Ryan.” Hope groaned. “I don’t need you in here for this.”
“Nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Hope made one of those gulping sounds that made my stomach clench in sympathy. I closed my eyes and blocked out the sound. Or tried to. Finally, after a few more gulps, Hope grabbed some toilet paper and wiped her mouth.
I let go of her hair and flushed the toilet. Plopping down on the edge of the bath, I looked at her. “Feel better?”
“Ugh. Not really.” She grabbed a new tissue and carefully wiped under her eyes. “That was not fun.”
“Didn’t look like fun. Was that the first time you were…because of the pregnancy?”
“Yeah.” Hope finally put her hands down and made a wry expression as she looked at me. “Think it’s too optimistic to hope that was also the last time?”
I smiled back at her. “Probably. Think it’s too optimistic to hope you’ll be impressed with my cooking skills after that?”
Hope laughed then groaned and clutched her stomach. “Probably.”
“Wanna give it a shot anyway?”
She sat back on her heels and smiled wryly at me. Holding her hand out as an answer, she let me pull her to her feet then held my hand as we walked to the kitchen.
“Do you need another cider?” I asked, looking around for our abandoned drinks. “Or want something else? I have juice, soda—”
“Whoa.” Hope laughed holding her hands up. “I don’t need to hear the whole laundry list again. How about a water?”
“Still, sparkling, or tap?”
“Oh my god, you are ridiculous.” Hope laughed as she shook her head. “You know that, right?”
My grin grew wider. “I might’ve been told that a time or two.”
“I guess still water if that is what I think it is.”
“If you’re expecting regular, ole bottled water, then yes.” I smiled back at her while I grabbed two bottles from the fridge, handed her one, and pulled the marinating chicken out. “Want to join me on the balcony while I grill these up? Is chicken okay? I should’ve probably asked, but I didn’t know what you’d like. Can’t go wrong with chicken though. Right? Unless that wouldn’t sit well with your stomach? Do you want something else?”
Hope’s eyes widened. “I uh, no. I like chicken.”
“Great.” I set my water down and grabbed the bowl with the chicken breasts. I needed a minute to get my head on straight. “You know what? You can hang here and I’ll just put these on grill and be right back.”
I slipped out the sliding glass door to the balcony before she could say anything. After lighting the grill, I waited a second for it to warm up. Standing there with a bowl of raw chicken in one hand and tongs in the other, I shook my head. “Asshole,” I mumbled to myself. “She’s gonna think you’re a fool if you don’t get your shit together.”
“I think you’re cute,” Hope said behind me.
I closed my eyes with a curse. “Right. Because a man who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing is cute.”
“It is when I don’t know what the heck I’m doing either. I’ve never been in this situation before, and I think it’s safe to guess that neither have you.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Never.”
“You were just so confident and self-assured earlier. And the way you came into the bathroom and took care of me? Swoon worthy. You have nothing to be nervous about. I think you’re going to be an amazing dad.”
I rubbed the back of my neck, not knowing what to say in the face of all these compliments.
“To be honest it kinda freaked me out because I don’t know what I’m doing.” Hope made a face then looked away like she was embarrassed.
“Me too.” I put the chicken onto the grill then closed the lid. After setting the bowl and tongs down on a little side table, I turned
to her and held up my hands. “I’m scared outta my mind. I don’t know how to do a relationship. I don’t know anything about pregnancy. Or babies. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”
“Ditto.” Hope took a small step toward me. “Maybe we can figure it out together?”
I put an arm around her waist and tugged her the rest of the way toward me until she was pressed up against me. “I’d like that.”
Hope smiled tremulously up at me and then rested her head softly against my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me. We stood there on my balcony holding each other.
Honestly it was one of the best moments of my life so far.
* * *
“So I’m kneeling there with a freaking plastic Santa in my hands when Nathan comes tearing around the corner screaming, ‘run!’ I look up, and he’s already halfway down the street with a plastic reindeer in one hand and a string of Christmas light in the other while a huge guy with a baseball bat is bearing down on me. I tossed the Santa at him and booked it after Nate.”
Hope blinked. “Wait, why’d he have a baseball bat?”
“I imagine to bash our heads in with.”
“But I thought you guys were there to decorate Nathan’s girlfriend’s front yard. Why would that piss him off? Were they anti-Christmas or something?”
I took a bite of chicken and hitched a shoulder. “Well, little did I know that Nathan hadn’t bought the decorations. Honestly, it never occurred to me to ask. He didn’t have a job at the time. I mean, he was helping Austin with his shit, but there was never a paycheck at the end of the day—all the money went back into Austin’s shop back then. So Nathan couldn’t have afforded the decorations himself. Apparently before I showed up, he’d gone onto some dude’s lawn three streets over and stole the stuff. Thought he was so slick. We’re just lucky that the guy came after us with a baseball bat and not a gun.”
“Holy crap, that’s crazy.”
I laughed. “That’s growing up with the Burns brothers. I got a million stories about them. And they’ve all got an equal number of stories about how stupid I was. But don’t listen to them—they’re liars and thieves.”
Fast Page 11
