If this was my version of caring about people, I had a serious problem.
I’d screwed up royally. There was no undoing this mess, but I was sorrier than any of them would ever know.
“If Drew wants your sorry ass, that’s on him. But you stay away from Loretta.” Mulaney lit into me as soon as Gabriel had disappeared in the elevator. “How could you do this to her?”
“I don’t have an excuse, and even if I did, I don’t owe it to you.” I snapped at the wrong person, but when she was the closest target, I’d take it. The one I was angry with was myself.
“Be gone in an hour.”
Mulaney stormed into the stairwell, and I cracked the front door to peek inside.
Every word of Drew’s torrid story broke another piece of me. He’d been a bastard to Holly. There wasn’t any excuse in the world for what he’d done to her, yet I understood. His actions had come from a place of pain and fear. I heard it in every syllable yanked from his throat.
“There’s a rooftop deck,” Holly said quietly. I jumped, not realizing she’d hung back when everyone else went to Muriella’s. “Take the stairs from the top floor.”
“Thanks.” I moved toward the stairwell door.
“I wanted Mrs. Carter and Gabriel to spend time together. That’s why I accepted your invitation to dinner.”
The strength behind Holly’s words stopped me in my tracks.
I turned around to find her spine straight and shoulders back.
“I didn’t know what you were up to,” she said, one brow arched, “but I’d been looking for a way for the two of them to see each other more often. I thought they’d be good for each other. This was the opening I needed.”
I nodded, uncertain what to say. They were good for one another, but that didn’t justify that I’d used a little boy and a woman who’d been kinder to me than anyone had in a long time.
Holly left me on my own. Was she trying to tell me she forgave me?
Drew trudged out the door before I could think on it any further, as closed off as I’d ever seen him. His head hung, shame and disappointment radiating from his posture.
I could leave now. Disappear from his life, from the mess I’d helped create. We’d forget about each other and go on doing whatever it was we’d been doing before. Except I didn’t think I could go back.
He’d wormed his way inside me and done something to me because I had a conscience now. I should be doing my dance of victory. I’d hurt him far worse than what he’d done to me by selling that jewelry. But it didn’t feel good. I was rotten and disgusting.
The elevator doors slid open, and Drew stepped inside without so much as a glance at me. I followed him, pressed the button for the top floor, and the doors closed before he could react.
“Congratulations,” he said coldly. “I have to admit, I am way out of my league with you. Not sure I can top that move.”
“Drew—”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
We arrived at the top floor, and I reached for his hand, tugging him out and up the stairs as Holly had directed. As soon as we were up on the roof, Drew yanked his hand from mine.
“I’m sorry,” I said, following him to the ledge. “I was furious with you, and yeah, some sick part of me liked that you were flailing. I didn’t think about how it would affect your mother.”
Drew spun around, enraged. “Of course you didn’t. The only person you ever think about is you.”
“Like you’re any different,” I yelled back. His mouth clamped shut. “Drew—”
“I think this has run its course,” he said. “Get the fuck away from me.”
He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and tapped one out, as casually as the first time I’d seen him do it. Drew was back in control. This was the version who pretended he felt nothing and not a thing mattered to him.
“Say whatever you need to, if it makes you feel better. But even if I go away, I won’t be gone. Not here.” I pointed at his chest, and he looked down and back up incredulously.
“Wow. Playing the feelings card to stay a little longer. That won’t work. I don’t feel anything.”
“The hell you don’t. I see how you treat your mother. I heard what you said about not being able to have children. You feel that, because you wanted them. And I think you stole from your family because you felt something. You feel hurt—”
“Shut your mouth.” He took a long drag, and I fought the urge to rip the crutch out of his fingers and stamp it out, so he’d hear me.
Even in my rage downstairs, I’d seen the effect Gabriel had on him and that he had on his son. He didn’t even realize it. “That kid needs you.”
He grabbed my arms, shaking me. “Never, ever say that again.”
“It’s the truth. You need him too.” I gripped his shoulders, but he shrugged me off.
“You wouldn’t know truth if it hit you in the face,” he spat, releasing me.
“I shouldn’t have meddled without talking to you first,” I said, my voice low. I blinked at him, desperate to break through to him somehow.
He lifted the cigarette to his lips, casually tilting his face up when he blew smoke out through his mouth. “Sweetheart, for being so good at the game you play, you’ve missed the mark this time. It’s best to cut your losses. Although I’d kind of like to string you along a little further, just to see the look on your face when you figure out I don’t have any money. I’m not going to be your sugar daddy. I’m broke. B-R-O-K-E. So you don’t have to pretend or use whatever tricks you do to stick around.” His lip curled into a sardonic smile.
Drew had looked at me with indifference before, but I’d never felt it. I’d mattered to him, even when he pretended I didn’t. His nonchalance made me shiver.
“I don’t care,” I said, realizing I meant that. How much money he had didn’t matter to me. I borderline hated the man, yet I was already assessing what I could sell to get us down the road.
“Stop it. You think I don’t see through your bullshit? You were using me, just as I was using you. That’s what people like us do.” He rested his ass against the ledge and glared at me.
“Maybe so, but you’ve changed me.” I took a step closer and lifted my hand to touch him. I dropped it at the disgust on his face.
“No. We never change.” He snorted, the ironic sound cutting through the night.
“I’m not the same.” I pleaded with him to see me. We could get past this. I caressed his cheek, and he flinched. I ignored the pain that seized my chest. “It’ll be easier together. We can figure it out. Fight them however we have to.”
He stared at me blankly. “There’s nothing to fight for,” Drew said with a note of finality. “Now go on. I’ve gotten what I need from you.”
“You’ll need more,” I promised, but I wasn’t so sure.
“Not for a while. That coin was worth quite a bit more than you estimated.”
“What do you mean?”
He gave me the most insincere smile I’d ever seen. “You were right. I had the means to sell it, so I did.”
For one second, I didn’t believe him, but then I saw that same gleam of triumph I’d given him when he’d sought me out for comfort downstairs. I’d gloated, orchestrated the entire thing, and he’d already fucked me over. I still felt guilty for what I’d done, but I told myself it was because of Loretta, not him. The money didn’t even matter anymore. I’d taken the coin for the thrill anyway.
“I can’t say we can call it even, but I guess we’re squared away. If we stay around one another, neither of us will stop until there’s nothing left.” My stupid feet wouldn’t move. I was freezing but couldn’t stand the sight of him any longer. It was best to cut my losses, yet I wished he’d give me a reason to stay. The lying side of me said it was so I could get him back. I wouldn’t even entertain one thought from the truthful side. If I did, under the I-told-you-so, I’d feel some things I didn’t like. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
“Why are you
still standing there?” Drew asked.
“To remind myself of the shoes I never want to be in.”
I looked at him as though I felt sorry for him, but it was my own loss I regretted. Not the money. Not the shit we’d dumped on each other. For a few weeks, I’d had someone I’d actually enjoyed spending time with. I hadn’t had to hide. I could be dirty, rotten, no-good Sonya, and he’d made me feel he liked me all the better for it. I hadn’t had to worry about someone judging me. I hadn’t had to lie.
In the end, my old ways prevailed, and I’d had to get payback. Turned out it didn’t matter. Drew had been making a fool of me the entire time. Deep down, I’d known, but I’d let my guard down anyway. The gamble hadn’t paid off.
I was back where I’d started. Alone. Bruised. And no place to go.
Chapter Forty-One
Drew
“I’m going for a walk. Maybe to a bar.”
I’d only come by the apartment to get my jacket. I wouldn’t go back to the guest room to see if Sonya’s things were gone.
“I’ll come with you.” Easton grabbed his jacket and followed me out, putting it on while we waited for the elevator.
I wanted to be alone, and I sure as shit wasn’t talking about any of it. Thinking about her pissed me off. It also made me feel empty. How could she betray me like that?
I knew the answer to that. We were thieves and liars. There was no code of honor. Blood pacts meant nothing.
What she’d done to my mother? Damn, that had been heartless. Getting back at me, I understood, but she had to have known it would crush Mama to find out I’d betrayed her.
At some point, I’d begun to believe she gave a shit about me and my family. How wrong had I been?
Out on the street, Easton and I walked in silence for a long time. I enjoyed the country, but the city always invigorated me. Right now, I’d rather be at Grandma Carter’s farm. I could use the peace and quiet. The thing about the city was there was always enough noise to drown out everything else. It was easy to get distracted and forget my problems. But I needed to remember. Focus. Get back in the game.
I was at a crossroads. One direction led to a certain set of results, the other to something totally different. Sometimes it was easy to predict the outcome, other times not so much. If I could choose anything, make my life whatever I wanted it to be, what would I pick?
A wild-haired—just plain wild—tigress immediately came to mind, but I shoved it away. I was too raw to factor her into any equation. We were done. I had to forget her. “This one look good?” Easton motioned toward a fairly nondescript bar.
I shrugged a halfhearted agreement, and we went inside. He ordered a couple of Johnny Walker Blues, and we took them to a table. “Staring at the Sun” by TV On The Radio played in the background, exactly what I’d have chosen if the selection were up to me.
“You should be with Mama,” I said into my whiskey before taking a swallow.
“She’ll be fine. I think you need me more.”
I looked across the table at him. “Why do you care? I’ve been a shit brother. An even worse business partner and friend.”
“No argument here, but damn it, I can’t stand to see you like this. Destroying your life. I thought you were beyond reach. It was a lie. I can’t stop hoping.”
“Some people aren’t worth the effort.”
“You are.” I balked at his adamancy, and he gave a decisive nod. “I honestly don’t know how I didn’t notice the similarities. Mulaney said seeing the two of you in the same room made it impossible not to know who that boy’s father is.”
“I still can’t believe it.” I plowed my fingers through my hair. “It’s impossible, but it’s true. I have the proof in one hand. In the other, I have proof that says otherwise.”
“It was a mistake not to find out sooner, but I don’t blame you.”
“You don’t?” Even I was having a hard time coming to grips with what I’d done.
“You had no reason to believe Holly. I imagine that had to have stung.”
That was putting it mildly. I was already such an angry person, so her news had only added fuel to the fire. I’d hated her for toying with me, thought it was payback for the way I’d treated her. Somewhere down deep, I’d believed I deserved it.
“You shouldn’t have manipulated her.”
“I didn’t want to face the possibility that she wasn’t lying. If she wasn’t, then I was wrong. The doctors were wrong. It was one more thing I’d been bitter about that I didn’t have a right to be.”
Easton looked surprised. I had to focus anywhere but on his eyes. They reminded me too much of Gabriel’s, of the shit that kid had been through because of me. I could have taken care of him, at least financially. The house they’d lived in was all right, but my son deserved better than that.
I ran both hands through my hair, pulling on the ends. Damn it, I needed to toughen back up. Where was the steel exterior I’d formed that everything bounced off? I felt it all: the guilt. The anger. The regret. The emptiness. The wonder.
“What are you going to do now?”
“Exactly what I have been doing. I have no rights to him anymore, and I have nothing to give him.” I pushed my glass away in disgust, and then, on second thought, I reached for it and drained the contents.
“I disagree. It isn’t the stuff that money can buy that he needs from you.”
I glared at him. “I could teach him how to hack and steal from his family. Or how about this? I could show him how to piss away everything. How to treat the people he cares about like garbage. You want me to give him a lesson on how he should act toward Holly?” Bitterness was all I had left.
“I meant baseball, or yeah, you could teach him whatever it is you know about computers. The legal stuff.”
“Baseball? Why the hell would I show him anything about that bitch? So she can break his heart, the way she did mine?” I pounded my fist on the table. How dare he even suggest such a thing? That damn game was everywhere I turned, and I was sick of it.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I gaped at him. “What do you have to be sorry for? I fucked you over, remember?”
“I’ve been thinking about what you said. I see it now, the change from the moment they said you’d never play again. It was so subtle, Drew. I thought you were handling it like a champ. Far better than I would have. I know it doesn’t change anything, but if I could trade places with you, I would in a heartbeat. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have the thing and the person you love most stolen from you in a split second.”
“You know what it’s like to have what you love stolen. I did it. I took it from you.”
Easton’s expression turned sympathetic, and I hated the pity I saw there. “Carter Energy was important to me, but nothing compared to what baseball was to you. I can start over if I want. Or help you fix SPE. I have Mulaney. The only thing you took from me that really hit where it hurt was my brother, but he’d been slipping away for a long time. It was so gradual; I didn’t realize how far gone you were. I should have tried harder with you.”
“Why was it your responsibility to help me?”
“Isn’t that why you took the money? Because no one was paying any attention to you?”
Hearing that from Easton’s lips was like a slap in the face. I’d been so petty. Childish. But that had been the crux of it. I’d wanted their attention in any way I could get it.
“I’m sorry about the money. About Carter Energy,” I said quietly, meaning it. “I can’t give back what I took.”
“If you could, would you?”
It was a simple question, and any way I answered, I knew it wouldn’t change how he felt. He’d already forgiven me. That I couldn’t understand and wasn’t sure I could accept.
“All of it, plus interest.”
We stared at one another, and it was just like the day he’d saved me from getting my ass kicked. No questions. Didn’t matter that it had been my fault. He had my back, and
he had this entire time. I’d just been too absorbed in my own self-pity to see it.
“Want another one?” he asked, holding up his glass.
“Nah.” I’d had enough. There was still a lot of shit I had to straighten out before this day was done. “Let’s go home.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Drew
We walked back to the apartment, neither of us in a hurry.
“You and Dad, and then Mulaney. You were a clique I was never a part of. The three of you made all the decisions and already had your minds made up before you asked me. It pissed me off. Most of the time, I felt Dad would rather have had her as his daughter than me as a son. I still feel that way.”
“Dad cares for her like a daughter, and I swear sometimes they share a brain. They love this business equally, and it’s a common ground they’ve had since she was a kid. She’s pestered and picked his brain, showed way more interest in the business than you or I ever did. Of course he liked that.”
“What he did was wrong. He should’ve talked with us about making her CEO,” I said insistently.
“Maybe, but that was no excuse for you to insinuate the two of them were having an affair.” He gave me a hard look. “If Mama knew, she’d be furious with you.”
I pretended a taxi passing by was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen. “She already is,” I muttered.
“Why’d you do it? Why would you want me to think the worst of her even after you knew we were together?” Genuine curiosity mixed with hurt laced his voice.
“I hate her.” Never ever had I admitted that out loud. And now that I’d said it, I wondered just how true it was anymore.
He stopped walking. “What happened between you two?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets. “It’s like she took my place.”
“How can you say that?”
“Just the way I see it.” I kicked at a loose piece of concrete on the sidewalk. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry about trying to make you think she and Dad were having an affair.”
Thick As Thieves: An Enemies-To-Lovers Romance (Paths To Love Book 5) Page 23
