by Matt Haig
He said There by the Bottle Banks.
I looked at the three Bottle Banks that the Council made Dad put at the back of the car park.
I looked on the left side and there was a shopping trolley with a plastic bag trapped in one of the wheels and it was flapping in the wind like it wanted to escape.
He said To the right of them.
I looked on the other side of the Bottle Banks and I couldnt see anything just the wall with the concrete posts and the slab that was missing.
He said Theyre all there cant you see them?
I said Who?
He said The club.
I said What club?
He said The Dead Fathers Club.
I made my eyes hurt trying to see but it still looked like there was no one there.
I came out of the curtain and said Whats the Dead Fathers Club?
I asked the question too loud because I heard Mum roll over in the next room because she still wasnt sleeping and she said Philip?
I said Yes?
She said What are you doing?
I looked at Dads Ghost and he had his finger on his lips and he was shaking his head.
Dads Ghost said Mum cant know any of this.
I said nothing.
Mum said Try and get some sleep.
I said Yes.
And then Mum said Night.
And I said Night.
And I didnt say anything else I just listened to Dads Ghost tell me about the Dead Fathers Club.
The Dead Fathers Club are ghosts of Dads in Newark who meet near the Pub because most of them went there because it is the oldest Pub in town.
They dont meet inside because ghosts flicker out more easily inside than outside and it makes no difference when you are a ghost because you dont feel the cold and your legs dont get tired from standing up.
I said in a whisper so Mum couldnt hear Are there any Romans in the Dead Fathers Club?
Dads Ghost said Romans?
I nodded my head and said Roman soldiers?
He said No but theres a Victorian.
I said Oh.
Victorians werent as good as Romans but Dads Ghost looked sad that I wasnt interested in the Victorian so I said Whats his name?
Dads Ghost said No one knows his name so they just call him the Victorian.
I said Why dont they ask his name?
Dads Ghost said He doesnt speak.
I got into bed and I said Did someone chop out his tongue?
He said No they didnt.
Dads Ghost didnt say anything for a bit he just stood there and I just watched him and I saw my fish tank inside his stomach.
Then Dads Ghost said The Terrors got to him.
I said The Terrors?
Dads Ghost said They get to every ghost in the end.
I pulled up my duvet and said What are the Terrors?
He then said what the Terrors were and when he told me I felt my blood go cold inside my body and after he told me Dads Ghost flickered out a bit and I saw his face screaming in the flicker but I couldnt hear the scream.
Then he said Most ghosts suffer on their own but its easier if you can talk to others.
I said Is that why theres the club?
And I think he said Yes but I dont know because he flickered out and went into the Terrors and I said Dad? Dad? Dad? but he didnt come back.
Mum said Philip?
I didnt say anything I just went under the duvet but I couldnt get to sleep.
Guppy Number Six
It was early in the morning and I was thinking about what Dads Ghost meant when he said it wasnt an accident. I wanted him to come back and tell me but he didnt. I looked out of the window at the Bottle Banks but he wasnt there and so I just sat on the end of my bed looking at my tropical fish.
I was just thinking it must be weird living in a tank just swimming and waiting for food to drop down. I didnt know if it was nice or not nice being a fish in a tank doing nothing. I thought it must be nice because they dont fight each other they all get on. The Neons and the Guppies and the Mollies and the Angelfish. They never bite each other. I kept looking and I thought something was wrong something was weird and I counted the Guppies
and I kept looking for another big tail but it wasnt there so I lifted up the lid and felt the warmness of the water on my face. I saw the Guppy upside down on the water and it was white. That is what happens when Guppies die. The colour goes out of them so they are just bodies just white bodies. And the other fish were just swimming below not minding that they will one day be upside down and the colour all gone out of them and I asked in my head Where do the colours go? and I didnt know.
I got the net and fished out the Guppy and the net went in the water and the other fish were scared of the net and swam fast away from it and they had to turn round because the tank wasnt a river like the Amazon which is where they are from. I got the Guppy out and let the water drip down like rain like tears and I said Its OK the nets gone.
And all the other fish calmed down now the net was out and went back to normal.
I took the dripping net to the toilet and I pushed the Guppy out of it and flushed the chain and it was free out of its tank going to the river but not the Amazon and I put the net back next to the tank and I sniffed up all my snot and swallowed it. I heard Mum turn over in bed and then one minute later the phone rang and I ran downstairs to answer it in case Mum was asleep.
I picked up the phone and I said Hello.
The woman on the phone said Hello? Hello? Is that Philip?
I knew the voice because it felt like a feather on my neck. It was my History Teacher Mrs Fell.
I said Yes.
It was the first time I had talked to Mrs Fell since the lesson on Family Trees.
She said Hello Philip. Its Mrs Fell. I was just wondering how you are doing?
I lied and I said Im all right.
It felt weird talking to a Teacher on the phone. Even Mrs Fell. It was more weird than talking to Dads Ghost.
She said Everyones thinking of you at school.
And I thought What are they thinking? but I didnt say it and then Mrs Fell said We cant wait to see you.
I didnt know what to say and the only word I had in my head was Yes so I used it.
She said Is your mum there Philip?
I said Yes.
I wanted to say something about Romans but I didnt.
She said in a voice that sounded like it was on tip toes Would she be able to talk?
I said Yes Ill just get her.
Then I said Mum! Mum! Phone!
And Mum got out of bed and walked downstairs with sleepy hair and she said with her eyes Who is it?
I said School.
Mum got the phone and said in her sad voice Hello? Yes yes it is. Yes. No. It has but were getting there. No. It just doesnt seem. No. Yes. Oh yes I think he would. I think he wants to. I think it will do him good. Yes. Definitely. Thank you. Oh thats. Oh. Thank you. Bye.
Mum put the phone down and said out of a yawn She was just double checking that youre going on the Trip to Hadrians Wall. She thinks it will do you good. I told her you were still going.
I said But
But I couldnt think of anything.
When Mum was in the bathroom getting ready I sat and looked at the five Guppies and then I saw a reflection in the fish tank. It wasnt like a normal reflection it was like a reflection of a reflection and I turned round and it was Dads Ghost and I said Dad? in a loud voice.
He said Quiet.
He put his finger on his lips and then he finished telling me what he had to say.
He told me about a man in the Dead Fathers Club called Ray Goodwin.
Ray Goodwin is the ghost Dads Ghost saw first after he left the car and he is the one who told him about the Dead Fathers Club.
Ray Goodwin was a miner who lost his job and he was murdered 11 years ago the year before Dad bought the Pub and the year I was born.
I said How did he get murdered?
And Dads Ghost waited for a minute like he didnt know the answer and then he said I dont know. Ray talks about everything but not that.
I wondered why Dads Ghost was telling me about Ray Goodwin but then he said Ray Goodwin was the one who told him the truth about ghosts.
THE TRUTH ABOUT GHOSTS
The only people who end up ghosts are MURDERED.
Some ghosts like Dad dont know they are murdered until after they die but they always find out.
All ghosts get the Terrors.
The Terrors can only stop when ghosts stop being ghosts.
Ghosts can only stop being ghosts when they get Revenge.
Ghosts can only get their Revenge when the murderer is killed.
Not all the Living can see ghosts only some of the Living and they are mostly the children of the ghosts.
If the Living dont take Revenge in the No Time the ghosts stay ghosts for ever.
Uncle Alan Is Dangerous
I didnt say anything because I didnt understand. I just stared right through Dads Ghost and watched the black Mollies and the five Guppies in the fish tank swimming together like a cloud.
He said All ghosts were murdered.
I heard Mum get out of the shower and she said Philip? Are you all right? Philip?
And Dads Ghost said Say yes Philip.
I said Yes in a loud voice.
Then Dads Ghost said I have to tell you Philip. I have to tell you because you are the only one who can see me.
I said in a whisper On the news no one was there.
He shook his head and said They werent.
Then he said The brakes on the car didnt work. I pressed down and it was just air.
And I said Oh.
And he said Someone did it. Someone broke the brakes on purpose Philip. Someone who knows a lot about cars.
The words went into my head two times. The first time they were just words and the second time was after Dads Ghost had said them and they went one sound at a time
some
one
who
knows
a
lot
a
bout
cars
The last word sounded louder like it had capital letters like CARS.
And then he said what I was thinking just at the same time as I was thinking it so at first I thought the voice was in my head and he said It was your uncle Alan.
And I said No.
Then he said He wants this place. He wants your mum. He was always jealous.
And I said No.
And Dads Ghost said I have seen him. I have seen him Philip. I have seen him saying sorry. Saying SORRY Philip. I have seen him drive over the bridge looking for signs. I know it was him Philip.
And then he looked at me and said it again.
I know it was him.
You have to trust me.
I know it was him.
And I said No no no.
He said Uncle Alan is dangerous. He will kill anyone who stands in his way Philip. That includes you Philip. And what happens when he gets bored of Mum? He will kill her too Philip.
The words were squashing on my chest and I had to think of my breathing to get the air inside me.
He said You have to stop him Philip.
I said Ill tell the police.
He said You cant tell the police Philip theres no evidence.
I said But youve seen him.
He said Ghosts dont count as evidence.
I said Ill tell Mum.
He looked really angry and said You cant tell Mum anything Philip. It will put you both in more danger.
I said Ill tell him to leave us alone.
He said No Philip no. He wont listen to you.
I said What shall I do?
He stood there and his face didnt move for ages like he was a see through photo and then he said in a voice that squeezed my chest even harder You must kill him Philip.
You must get my Revenge.
The Hole in the Wall
After Dads Ghost had gone I went downstairs and I went to the bookshelf in the office and got the book called Murder Most Foul. When I came out of the office Mum was on the stairs and she had all her Make Up on and her tight jeans and her white top with the little crocodile on it and she said Whats that behind your back?
I said Its a book on Romans.
She clapped her hands and said in her Pulling Herself Together voice Well come on youve got to get up. Weve got to get you some money for Hadrians Wall.
I went upstairs and hid the book under the bed and then I got ready.
When we got to the Hole in the Wall she typed the numbers and made a noise and typed the numbers again and made another noise and then she typed the numbers again and said No.
I looked at her and she said in a whisper voice No. Why? No.
And we went inside the bank and stood in the line and waited and a big fatso woman came and said Is anyone paying in a cheque?
Mum said No but the machines just swallowed my card.
The big fatso woman said Youll have to go to the Enquiry Desk.
Mum said Money went in three days ago theres nothing wrong with the card.
The big fatso woman said Theyll be able to help you at the Enquiry Desk.
Mum said It normally clears straight away.
The big fatso woman said The Enquiry Desk is just over there.
She pointed to the Enquiry Desk and me and Mum went to a sign that was like a big black lollipop and we waited behind it and we waited a long time because an old man in an old man coat was getting cross with a woman who was nodding at the old man and saying things that made him more cross.
And I looked round at all of the people and all of the people looked very sad except the people behind the desk and the people in the banks posters and the banks leaflets. All the poster people looked very happy and they all smiled and they had all white behind them like they were in Heaven.
Mum got to the woman with the big smile and robot eyes behind the desk and said The machines just swallowed my card. I dont know why its
The woman said Right is this your bank?
Mum said Yes I was trying to get money out of my
The woman had a name badge that said Janice Green-field. She said Right if I can take some details Ill check it on the computer.
Janice Greenfield asked questions and Mum said her answers.
Janice Greenfield said Carol Noble right? Mrs?
Mum said Yes.
Janice Greenfield smiled and typed on the computer and said Right yes youre actually over your limit.
Mum said No I cant be no I
Janice Greenfield said Right according to the computer youve made a number of payments over your limit.
Mum said Money went in yesterday.
Janice Greenfield said Right.
She typed more things on the computer and said Right. Yes its here. But it still doesnt cover the payments.
And Mum looked behind her at the line of sad people and then said to Janice Greenfield in a quiet voice How can I get my card back? I need it today.
Janice Greenfield said Right well Ill see if we can squeeze you in with a Customer Advisor.
And she looked in a big book and she nodded into the book and then smiled at Mum and said Yes if youd just like to follow me Mrs Noble.
And we followed Janice Greenfield to some chairs and she went and then a man in glasses and weird shoulders came out of a door and said Mrs Noble and Mum went in the room and I was left on my own on the chair.
And then Dads Ghost flickered on right in front of me in the bank and he said There is not much time.
I said For what?
He said To kill Uncle Alan.
I said Why?
He said Every year of my life becomes a day.
I said What?
A man with a briefcase and a long umbrella like a sword walked through Dads Ghost and he looked at me like I was mad and then he went outside.
&n
bsp; Dads Ghost said This is the No Time.
I said Whats the No Time?
He said The period when Revenge must be taken.
I said What if it isnt taken?
He said My spirit will never rest and I will always suffer the Terrors. Ray Goodwin says they get worse until every ghost ends up as quiet as the Victorian. Ray tried to escape the Terrors but he couldnt. No one could see him. Not even his daughter. But Ive got you Philip. You can help me escape Philip. Youve got to help me Rest In Peace.
I didnt want Dad to suffer the Terrors so I said How long is the No Time?
He said It lasts until my next birthday.
Dads Birthday was December the 10th. It was September the 25th today.
Dads Ghost said Youve got 11 weeks Philip.
I did a sum in my head and said 77 days.
Dad said Yes.
I said Im going to Hadrians Wall.
He nodded and said You must go. You must act as if everything is normal or youll place your mum in great danger Philip. You must do it when you come back.
Then he said December the 10th. That is when we run out of time.
I said December the 10th.
Dads Ghost said If you ever loved me Philip. If you ever loved me at all you will let me rest.
I didnt want Dad to feel the Terrors for ever so I said I will.
He said Youre a good son.
And Mum came out of the room and said Philip who on EARTH are you talking to?
Dads Ghost was looking at me and he said Dont tell her Philip she cant know.
I didnt say anything and she looked at my face and saw something in it that made her not cross with me and she walked out and I walked out with her and she said Stupid bloody bank.
Dads Ghost had flickered out when we got to the Ka car and Mum had sort of flickered out because she wasnt saying anything. She drove the wrong way and I wondered where we were going and then we parked outside of Uncle Alans Garage.
Uncle Alan owns the Garage with another man who is called Mr Fairview. Mr Fairview is a Bible Basher but Mr Fairview never goes to the Garage because he is not a MECHANIC like Uncle Alan.
Uncle Alan has got a lot of money and so has Mr Fairview and when you have a lot of money you are friends with other people with lots of money like in a club.
