by Matt Haig
She went down a black alley that went to the back of the Multi Storey and there were different ways out so we went down a passage with big wheelie bins and hid behind the wheelie bins.
Leah was laughing and she said That was funny.
I was thinking that was lots of things but not funny.
I looked at her face and the red in her hair and her Saturday lips all shiny and we stayed in the wheelie bin shadows in a part of town Id never been which smelt of cabbage and I looked at Leahs eyes and her hair all pretty for me and I loved her because it was the first time I hadnt thought of Dad since he was a ghost like she had gone in my head and shoplifted the sad things with-out me looking and we stayed there until the Security Guard wasnt coming but even then I didnt want to go.
I walked back through town on my own and I went through the park which is where the castle is. The real castle not the Pub Castle. The real castle is only a wall now and it is the castle where King John was hiding before he died ages and ages ago when he was scared looking from the window like Nan does. I saw Mrs Fell there and she was with a man in a wheelchair and he had a tube on his face up his nose like a straw and Mrs Fell was holding the mans hands and rubbing the top of them and he couldnt move very well. And I watched from behind the bush and I thought the man was old because he had no hair but his clothes were not light brown like old peoples clothes they were red and blue and he had trainers on and he wasnt her grandad or her dad so he might have been her husband but I didnt know.
The Golden House
Uncle Alan came in backwards through the Pub doors and he was pulling a big machine on a trolley.
He said Ah my back! My back! My back!
He left the trolley and he put his hands on his back and scrunched his eyes and another man came through the doors with a clipboard and Uncle Alan signed still holding his back with his other hand.
The clipboard man left and Uncle Alan saw me eating the crisps that I stole and he said Wheres your mum?
I said Upstairs.
He said What do you think of the new machine?
I looked at the machine which was Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
I said Dont know.
But he wasnt listening. He was going upstairs with his bad back saying Carol? Carol?
And Dads Ghost flickered on and he said Philip? Philip? Whats going on?
In my head I remembered a song Dad used to sing.
Whats going on?
Whats going on?
But he wasnt singing now he was looking at the machine and the new beer pumps with lights inside them and the Big Screen and the sign that said Sky Sports 1 2 and 3 and the blackboard that said Karaoke Tonight in green chalk letters that were fat.
He said Where are all my pictures?
None of Dads pictures of the sea and old boats were on the wall now because Uncle Alan says Newarks as far away from the sea as you can get in England. Its bang smack in the centre. It makes no sense to have pictures of the flaming sea on the wall.
I looked at Dads Ghost and said He took them out.
Dads Ghost looked at the sign and said Karaoke?
I said Mum said he could try it tonight to see how it goes.
He said Hes taken the soul out of the place. And hes after her soul as well. He wants to marry her Philip. He might have asked her already. But he definitely wants to marry her. I know it.
I said No.
He said You must stop it happening. You must act fast. You must think of
He started to flicker and do the Silent Scream.
You must act Philip.
You must stop hi
The day went at fast and slow Sunday speed and nothing happened apart from Mum went to Boots and got some Bath Salts for Uncle Alans bad back. When she came home she kept looking at Uncle Alan and smiling like they had a Secret and that made me feel like I was sinking but I didnt ask Mum if she was going to marry Uncle Alan because if I said it it might come true.
In the evening the Pub got more busy than ever with people coming for the Karaoke.
I was sitting on a stool behind the bar because I wanted to be there to spy on Mum and Uncle Alan. But when Uncle Alan sang his first song I wished I wasnt there. He sang with his eyes squeezed shut like he was on the toilet and couldnt go and his face went red and he held his fist near his heart and he sang really LOUD. And when he finished he waited for everyone to clap like Emperor Nero when he sang rubbish songs on his lyre which is like a guitar but smaller.
I thought about Emperor Nero and the palace he made called the Golden House which is where he played on his lyre and which I read about in one of my library books. No one liked the Golden House because it was built after the fire in Rome on top of the burnt buildings and that is why people thought Emperor Nero started the fire. The Golden House was the biggest palace ever and it had a massive statue of Emperor Nero and it was not like the Golden House in Newark which is a Chinese. It was much bigger with lots of gold and pillars.
Uncle Alan sang Elvis songs. Elvis was fat like Uncle Alan and Emperor Nero but Elvis was a good singer. I have heard him on the jukebox. But Uncle Alan is a bad singer and he sang a song which was WE CANT GO ON TOGETHER WITH SUSPICIOUS MINDS and it was a good job he closed his eyes when he sang because everyone was making faces. Well Mum wasnt but everyone else was. But everyone clapped at the end because everyone is a bit scared of Uncle Alan I think apart from Big Vic who said Thank God for that.
Then after the song he said One more from the King.
Big Vic said Elvis leave the building.
But Uncle Alan ignored Big Vic and he sang another song which was WISE MEN SAY ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN BUT I CANT HELP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. He had his eyes open and he was looking at Mum and it wasnt really singing it was speaking and Mum was smiling and crying at the same time and it made me feel heavy I dont know why like the ceiling was getting lower and squeezing all the air on top of me.
I stopped looking at Mum and Uncle Alan and I looked round the Pub at the people and they were all looking at Uncle Alan. Well everyone except Carla the Barmaid who was scratching her arm and looking at me. When she saw me looking back she shrugged up her shoulders and smiled and the smile tried to lift up the air but it didnt.
Uncle Alan finished talking the song and started talking his own words which were Right if Im allowed to borrow your ears for a few more moments Ive got something of a special announcement to make.
I looked at Mum and her face changed when he said announcement. Her eyes started normal at ANN but then they went bigger at OUNCE and then very wide at MENT and Uncle Alans eyes were looking at Mum but he didnt know her eyes meant STOP because he kept going like a car with no brakes.
Uncle Alan said As many of you know myself and Carol have grown a lot closer over the last two months as we have tried to come to terms with the TRAGIC loss of Brian.
And then he kept on talking and I wasnt listening because I hate his voice and dont like to let it in my ears but I heard the last bit which was Which is why us two fools have decided to rush in and tie the knot.
I looked round at the shocked faces and the slow rising glasses and the lights going up and down on the machines and Mum looking at me. Behind Mum there was Carla the Barmaid with her thin lips open like an O like the shape of her earrings and Big Vic said in his loud voice Blimey and Les Miserable said in his quiet voice Bloody Hell. I had to get out and I left the stool and I went into the hall and then upstairs and I heard Mum follow. I went into the Living Room and I saw the PlayStation and I saw the poker and I picked up the poker with its gold handle like a sword and I picked it up and I pulled out the PlayStation on the carpet and I smashed it SMASH!
I made the PlayStation open up and I saw all the wires and the metal and I kept on smashing. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
And Mum was out of the bar and running up the stairs and she saw me and screamed PHILIP!
And there was another voice and it was Uncle Alan and he said What the?
And I turned round
with the poker sword and Uncle Alan said Put it down son.
I said Im not your son.
He said Put it down!
Mum shouted Philip put it down!
And I said Wheres your ring? Wheres your ring?
Uncle Alan said Shes not wearing it because she didnt know how to tell you.
Mum said You didnt have to tell the whole Pub.
Uncle Alan said Why not? Weve got nothing to be ashamed of.
And I looked at Mums hands which were digging into the sofa she was standing behind.
That was when Uncle Alans hands grabbed me.
They were so strong I had no choice so I dropped the poker and he looked at me and said Now listen SON. What are you going to do about that?
I looked in his eyes and I wondered if Sleepy Eye Terry told him about what happened on Halloween. I wondered if that was why Uncle Alan told the Pub about getting married before telling me.
I said About what?
He said About the present I bought you.
And his voice was really quiet which was more scary than when it was really loud and his eyes were hating me and the hating was not mixed with anything else just hate and hate.
Mum was there and saying Alan please. Hes just upset. Hes just Uncle Alan said Upset? Upset? Ill give him upset.
I said Let me go.
And I could see in his face he wanted to hit me. He was going red like the redness was the hit that was inside him that he wanted to give but he couldnt because Mum was there and Mum said Please.
That is all she said.
Dancing Queen
And Uncle Alans hands let go of me and I went to my room and I wanted to see Dads Ghost but he was nowhere.
I heard Mum and Uncle Alan row about Uncle Alan telling the Pub and the row was mixed with the singing from downstairs and the song was Abba. It was YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN which was Mums favourite. It was Carla the Barmaid singing and she sang very sad and I could hear Uncle Alans voice in the next room say Thats too far. Too far. Hes crossed the line this time.
And Mum said Hes been through a lot.
And Carla said Feel the beat from the tambourine.
And then Uncle Alan said more things. He said
He needs discipline.
He needs to be told he cant just go smashing things up.
Youre soft with him Carol.
Im sorry but you are.
And its no good for him.
No good for anyone.
He needs a strong hand.
And then Mum said something I couldnt hear and Uncle Alan said Its not natural Carol. Its not right. He needs
And I put my hands over my ears because his voice was like poison and I was humming YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN. I looked at Gertie in the tank swimming the other way to the Guppies and the black Mollies. When Gertie got to the end of the tank she turned and made herself invisible but I knew she was there and there was no light in the room only the tank but I didnt want to take my hands off my ears so I stayed in the dark. Outside the window there was Newark and the church and the steeple that pointed out from the flatness like a heart beat on a black screen that goes beep like on TV in hospitals and the church was yellow gold from the lights and it was pretty and sad and I dont know why but it was.
Then after a bit I took my hands off my ears. I heard Mum and Uncle Alan still talking.
Uncle Alan said We should move it forward.
Mum said What?
Uncle Alan said The Wedding.
Mum said The Wedding?
Uncle Alan said Listen.
Mum said What?
Uncle Alan said If youre right about Philip the last thing the poor lad wants is more uncertainty and instability in his life. If we get married Soon As then Job Done he knows where he stands and he can get on with his life.
Mum said I dont know.
Uncle Alan said You didnt know about the Pub either did you but that all turned out all right. The numbers speak for themselves. Weve got the bank off your back.
Mum said I know but
Uncle Alan said It makes sense. Trust me. A year from now we wont be seeing him smashing things up and getting into trouble. We just want to sort it out so we can you know move forward. Let me get on to the Registry Office.
His voice went different. It went slow and low and I heard kissing noises and then I heard Uncle Alan say If we get on to the Registry Office we could have it all done in a month. Its what we both want isnt it? Come on. Whats stopping us now?
The word went over and over in my brain Now now now now now.
Mum said I dont. Oh I dont. Alan. I dont know.
But then her words stopped being words and started being noises and I knew this meant they were kissing and Uncle Alan was eating her words with his big dry mouth and whisky and crisp breath.
And that is when I left my room and went quiet down the stairs with the carpet patterns changing under my feet and Big Vic was singing START SPREADING THE NEWS IM LEAVING TODAY and that is when I opened the back door.
The Ghost Wind
I walked out to the three Bottle Banks and I went to the right of them and I said I am Philip Noble. My Dad is Brian Noble. He is in your club.
Nothing happened so I said I want to speak to my dad. Do you know where my dad is?
Dads Ghost might have been having the Terrors but I thought he was angry with me for not killing Uncle Alan yet.
I said Ray Goodwin. Do you know where my dads ghost is?
I looked in the air and looked on the ground at the broken glass and there was a carrier bag that said Morrisons from the Supermarket and just after I asked the question it filled with air and floated up. It started flying out of the car park so I followed it because this was the Answer.
The bag went onto the road and then up the street past the Palace Theatre and past some shops and past the Golden House and it kept going. It went past the Traffic Lights and the hospital and there was nobody about just some cars swooshing and one man walking a black dog that was so black it looked like a walking hole. The bag went into a real hole in a hedge and so I pushed myself through the hedge and wrecked my clothes and kept going until it got to the graveyard with all the graves like people in beds with duvets made of grass. I knew that was what the Dead Fathers were trying to say that Dads Ghost was here because when the bag went past Dads grave it touched it before flying up over the houses on the other side. I looked at Dads grave in the half dark.
Brian Peter Noble
10 December 1963 – 25 September 2005
A Beloved Father and Husband
Rest In Peace
And I said a word under my breath and it wasnt Dad and it wasnt Dead. It was something in the middle. For one minute I thought it was impossible that Dad was dead. He was still so real in my head I could smell him and hear his voice but once everybody was as real as Dad even Emperor Nero or Julius Caesar or Alexander the Great and they will have sneezed and jumped in their sleep and now they are nothing. Then I looked next to Dads grave at the metal box for the flowers with the holes in the top like a radio. I could see it in the dark and I wondered why there were no flowers in there because Mum normally put flowers in there but there were no flowers in there and that is when I saw the white light come up through the holes in thin lines and the lines were blurry and joined together and became a shape like a man like Dad and it was Dads Ghost.
And Dads Ghost looked cross and said Philip What are you doing here?
I said Nothing. Coming to find you because I wanted to see you because because you were right. Theyre getting married. Im sorry. Im sorry.
He said You are too distracted Philip.
I said Why?
He said The girl Philip. Your girlfriend.
I said Leah.
He said Yes.
I looked through him to the other side of the graveyard and there were some boys shouting by a bench under the trees.
Dads Ghost said You must not see her any more. You must tell her you are not Going Ou
t together.
I said Why?
He said If you are to protect her and protect yourself you must stay on your own. Just you.
I said Why?
He said You cannot risk thinking about anything else Philip. Trust me. We are running out of time.
I said OK.
And then he said You must tell her as soon as possible. You must have no friends and no girlfriends and no distractions until this is over Philip. Its for your own good. I will come with you.
I said What?
He said I will come with you to the girls house.
I said No.
But he was already leading the way.
We got close to the boys by the bench and I saw who it was and they saw me so I stopped still and Dads Ghost stopped still and said Philip? What are you doing?
I said Dad wait.
Dominic Weekly said Its the Skitso.
Jordan Harper was wearing a cap and he laughed and his fish eyes bulged and he said Look. Hes talking to himsen.
Dominic Weekly was riding dead slow on his mountain bike while all the other boys were walking by his side and he said He thinks he can talk to his dad. The radgey.
And Jordan said in a silly high voice Hes not got his girlfriend to protect him.
I tried to say something but I was scared and Dominic Weekly got off his mountain bike and put it by a grave and it was total dark now.
Dominic Weekly said If we kill you then you can speak to your dad all you want.
Another boy I didnt know said to Dominic Smack him.
I didnt see what happened I just fell on the floor.
My head was killing and it hurt so bad it was hurting outside my head not just inside. Like the whole graveyard was part of my headache.
I tried to get up but a foot went into me and pushed all the air out of me. Another foot kicked my bum and my face went into the ground into the grass and I said Dad! Help me Dad!
And I saw white go past my eyes and it was Dads Ghost flying and I tried to get up. I got halfway and there was laughing and then a few seconds later I heard Dads Ghost in the air say Ray! He needs help.
