by Matt Haig
At break I went and sat on a bench in the yard on my own because Leah was still off with a cough. And Dominic threw his SAS bag at me and said Need your bodyguard?
He meant Leah.
I said No but I felt Yes inside.
The Colours in the Fish Tank
I went into my room after school. I went into it and it was different. It was warmer. There was a smell like tyres when they skid and I thought thats a weird smell but I didnt do anything. I just lay on my bed thinking if I was ever going to do anything about Uncle Alan or if I was just a wimp who does things in his head and not in real life. And that is when I saw it. That is when I saw the fish tank.
I looked at it when I was on the bed and I didnt know what was weird about it. Then I noticed the colours and the colours were green and black and blue and red and they were water clouds like what you make in Art when you put the paintbrush in the water. I thought Whos put paint in the fish tank?
And I got off the bed and went closer to the fish tank and I thought Where are the fish? Where is Gertie?
And I opened the lid which was warmer than normal and I looked with my head over the water and it was hot like when you have a bath and forget to put the cold in and it makes your feet red. But it was even hotter than that and it burnt my eyes.
The smell was strong like it was nearly a taste and it made me feel sick and I looked through the top of the water and it was hard to see because of the heat and the steam and the ripples but I made my eyes look. And I saw all the colours mixing together.
I looked for Gertie and I said Gertie which is stupid because fish dont speak human they speak fish. Then I saw something like a green bit of paper in the water and it was getting smaller and I felt very sick then and I looked at the heater and the heater said 120 not 82 and I dropped the lid and I thought of the Mollies melting and the five Guppies melting and Gertie still melting all her bones and her skin melting.
Dads Ghost came in the room and he said It was Uncle Alan. He turned up the heater.
I shouted No!
And I said in my head Hes dead hes dead hes dead Uncle Alan hes dead.
Mum came in and screamed and then Uncle Alan came in and it stayed in my head Hes dead hes dead hes dead.
Mums hand with shiny nails was over her mouth and she looked at the fish tank and then Uncle Alan looked and he pretended to be surprised but he wasnt a good pretender.
Dads Ghost was in the room and he was saying Dont act mad Philip. Thats what he wants. Thats why he did it. He wants you to go mad so no one will believe you about anything.
So I didnt act mad. I just said The heater was on 120 and not 82.
And I looked at Uncle Alan and he said It must have broke Philip.
He stared at me like he was trying to do a Mind Trick and Mum said behind her hand Oh oh oh.
Uncle Alan said Dont think well be having fish and chips tonight.
And he laughed HE LAUGHED and Dads Ghost looked at me and said Stay calm Philip. Stay calm.
Mum said Oh the smell.
And I stayed calm and watched Uncle Alan sort the tank with a jug and a bucket Mum got from downstairs and when most of the melted fish water was out he tried to pick up the tank but it was heavy with stones in the bottom and he said My back! My back!
I looked at the five Guppies all turned to water but I stayed calm.
Uncle Alan said Ill have to sort the rest out later Carol. Ive got to get the questions done.
He said it like a Pub Quiz was more important than my dead fish.
Dads Ghost said Tonight Philip. You can do it tonight.
I said Yes. Im going to.
And Uncle Alan and Mum looked at me like I was mad and then looked at Dads Ghost like he was just air and just nothing because they couldnt see him.
Dads Ghost said Good boy Philip. Good boy.
The Pub Quiz
The Pub was very busy for the first Pub Quiz night. I thought if Uncle Alan died tonight it might be anyone who killed him. So I got the little bottle of ETHANOL and I had it in my pocket. I went to Mum in her bedroom and said Can I watch the Pub Quiz tonight?
She was brushing her eyelashes in the mirror and she said Theres not much to watch. I thought youd want an Early Night. After what happened to your tank.
I tried not to think of Gertie and I said But can I?
She said Of course you can.
She waited a bit and then said We will get you some new fish Philip. If you want.
I didnt say anything. I didnt want a new dad and I didnt want new fish. Especially if Uncle Alan was paying for them.
I stayed sitting on her bed watching her in the mirror and I said If Dad came back tonight would you dump Uncle Alan?
She stopped brushing her eye hairs and looked at me not in the mirror in real life and she said What?
I said If Dad came back tonight would you dump Uncle Alan?
She said What kind of a question is that?
I lifted up my shoulders.
It wasnt like questions in a PUB QUIZ so I think it was a PRIVATE question not a PUBLIC question.
She sat next to me and said Philip sweetheart. Dad isnt going to come back.
I said But what if he did?
My words were making water in her eyes but she stopped the water falling because she didnt want to mess up her Make Up.
She said No one will ever replace your dad Philip. No one. Now come on.
She slapped my leg three times really quick which means in slap language Now come on.
I said I know.
She then did her hair with her hands and said How do I look?
I said Nice.
She said Were going up to see Nan at the weekend.
I said Oh.
I bet Mum hadnt told Nan yet about marrying Uncle Alan. I bet that was why we were going.
Mum got up and sprayed some perfume on her and I tasted it in my mouth and I saw her bra through her tight white top.
She said Are you coming down then?
I said Yes.
We went downstairs and sat on the table nearest to the MICROPHONE. All the other tables were set out with the teams and most of the people were talking so I couldnt hear anything just bubble bubble bubble.
Carla came over with her hoop earrings and her hoop eyes and her short skirt. She looked like two people sewn together. A young person on the bottom half and an old flaky person on the top half. Mum looked at Carlas legs like she was scared of them.
Carla gave Mum a glass of White Wine and gave me a glass of Pepsi and said A glass of White Wine and a glass of Pepsi.
Mum said Thanks Carla. Have you seen Alan anywhere?
Carla scratched her neck and said I think he was going to print out the things off the machine.
Mum said Right.
They looked at each other and smiled and something happened in the air in between the smiles and then Carla went back to the bar.
Uncle Alan came in holding some bits of paper and he held up the pieces of paper and some people clapped and someone did a whistle and Uncle Alan handed the Answer Sheets round and got to the microphone and switched it on. The microphone went nnnnnnn really loud and everyone put their fingers in their ears and he tried to stop the nnnnnnn but it kept going for ages and he said Bloody Dixons.
Everyone laughed and the nnnnnnn stopped and he tapped the microphone three times df df df.
He said Right. Lets get this show on the road.
I felt the bottle of poison in my pocket and watched as Carla went over and gave Uncle Alan his glass of whisky. Someone whistled again. It was a different kind of whistle. It was a Wolf Whistle and it was for Carlas young half not her old half.
Uncle Alan said Thanks Carla.
He looked at her legs and wanted to say something else but he didnt because Mum was there behind him burning holes in his bad back with invisible laser beams out of her eyes.
He said Right. The first round is a general knowledge round. So if youve got your pens ready.
&nb
sp; There was an Answer Sheet and pen on our table but Mum was only doing it for fun not for the £100. And I was only doing it to kill Uncle Alan and get REVENGE for Dad and Gertie and the Mollies and the five Guppies.
Uncle Alan said If you were born on June the 21st what would be your Star Sign?
Mum said Oh I know this one.
She wrote down GEMINI next to the one on the sheet.
Uncle Alan put his whisky down on our table and he winked at Mum and breathed loud breath into the microphone. And then he said OK question two. Bit of a tricky one this. Who was the second wife of Henry the 8th?
Mum looked at me and said Have you done this one at school Philip?
I said No.
Mum said I think Ill just take a guess.
She wrote JOAN OF ARK on the paper.
I looked at the glass of whisky and all the lights in it shining from the fruit machines and the ceiling and I looked at all the people round the room with their heads down writing the answer.
Uncle Alan said What city is known as the Eternal City?
I knew the answer but I didnt say anything.
It was ROME.
I knew everything about Rome because it was my favourite bit of History and I had all the books from the library. I knew about Nero and the fire and the Christians and the lions. I knew that Rome began because of Romulus and Remus who were brothers and who were protected by a wolf and then found by a shepherd. I knew that Romulus was like Uncle Alan because he killed his brother and became the first King of Rome 2800 years ago.
Uncle Alan said Which popular salad gets its name from the New York hotel where it was first made?
Mum tapped her pen on the table and said Ooooooooh I should know this one Im always having salads.
She went through the salads out loud. Greek salad. Tuna salad. Pasta salad. Lettuce and tomato salad.
She laughed and said I dont think theres a lettuce and tomato hotel do you Philip? I think well leave that one blank.
Mum sipped her wine and then she said Oh no. Well take a guess.
She wrote CEASAR SALAD and I saw a picture in my head of Julius Caesar with an apron on chopping a tomato and I thought how bad my brain was that it thinks stupid things even when it is planning a Murder.
Uncle Alan said Waterloo is the scene of a famous battle involving Napoleon. In which country can it be found?
Mum hummed the Waterloo song which is on her favourite CD Abba Gold and she wrote SWEDEN on the paper.
She said to me Im just nipping to the loo. And she went to the loo not the WATERLOO and I got the bottle out of my pocket and held it under the table.
Uncle Alan said Another tricky one. In which play by William Shakespeare do we find the line There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so?
And I unscrewed the bottle and I waited until all the heads went down to write the answer and I poured the poison into the glass drip drip drip and I kept watching the heads and put the bottle back in my pocket. No one saw me but my heart was going like I was sprinting but I was sitting still.
Uncle Alan said Which British runner first broke the four minute mile in 1954?
I kept trying to look natural like how Leah told me you should look when you steal things but I didnt know where to look because I didnt want to look at the poisoned whisky. But I couldnt help it. It was a magnet for my eyes.
Uncle Alan said In the Bible how many loaves did Jesus need to feed the 5000?
Uncle Alan looked at the whisky on the table like he was going to drink it and he looked at his sheet of paper and he said Right two more questions in this round. Then its time for some liquid refreshment.
Two more questions and then he was going to die. It was weird. I wanted there to be more than two questions I dont know why.
He said In A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens how many ghosts in total visited Scrooge?
When he said ghosts that is when Dads Ghost came on like a light bulb standing by the door near the toilets. He was looking at me and nodding his head like he knew Id done the poison in the glass and like he was proud I had done it.
Mum came out of the Ladies and walked straight through Dads Ghost and Uncle Alan turned round and said into the microphone And here comes my very own Christmas Carol.
Some people laughed and some people said Ahhh but Big Vic called out Pass the bucket.
Mum went red like Uncle Alan but from shyness not whisky.
She sat down and said Have I missed anything?
She looked the most happy Id ever seen her and I looked at the whisky and I felt heavy inside.
Uncle Alan said All right. This is the last question for this round.
I was hoping in my brain that it was going to be a 5000 word question that would go on for ages but the question was Which is the only river which flows both North and South of the Equator?
Then after the questions Uncle Alan said All right. Well be back in five minutes with the Music Round.
He switched the microphone off and put it back on the stand and he lifted his eyebrows up and smiled at Mum. Then he looked at the whisky and I looked at him and I looked at the whisky and I looked at Mum and he was getting closer and closer to the whisky and I went under the table and pretended to do my laces and I lifted my head and my back with all my strength like Atlas who carried the world on his back and I lifted up the table until the glasses dropped off.
Uncle Alan said Watch out!
Mum said Philip!
And I came up from under the table and the whole Pub was looking at me.
The whisky glass and the wine glass and the Pepsi glass were smashed on the floor and all the drinks were running into each other like they were rivers going into the sea and the table was wobbling but it wasnt fallen over and Uncle Alan was turning to the Pub with his hands up and he said No harm done.
And Mum said Honestly Philip.
She was standing up and wiping the white wine off her jeans like shed weed herself.
I looked at the poisoned whisky river on the floor and Uncle Alans shadow over it.
Carla came on her young legs and wiped it up.
And Dads Ghost by the toilets was shaking his head like he was ashamed of me.
He said Oh Philip. You are hopeless. Hopeless. Whats the matter with you?
Under the H
Leah was back at school the next day which was the 5th of November.
She was still coughing but she was a bit better and at first break we sat under one of the big Hs on the Rugby field. Leah was lying down on her back with her jacket over her like a duvet and she said Why were you acting mental when you came round at the weekend?
I said I dont know. Im sorry. I dont know its
She coughed in her hand and said You were well freaky.
I knew that if I didnt dare finish Leah Id never dare kill Uncle Alan and I wanted to make Dads Ghost pleased again. All I had to do was finish her but I was worried my mouth wouldnt work so I got the words ready in my head and I forced them behind my lips. My brain kept pushing until the words all fell out really fast with no spaces LeahIvegottofinishyouwecant-GoOutanymore.
I didnt look at her when I said this because I didnt want to.
She sat up and said What?
I said Leah Ive got to finish you we cant Go Out any more.
She said You what?
I said Leah Ive got to fin
Her cough was gone and she said You? Youre finishing me?
I nodded my head.
She said Why? Is it because of my nose?
I said Whats the matter with your nose?
She was standing up and shaking her head and she said You cant finish me.
I said Why?
She said You cant.
I said Im sorry.
And then she picked up her coat and picked up her bag and she kicked me in the back really hard and walked away from me and back to school and I stayed under the H and watched her go smaller and smaller until she was a green and grey dot on the yard with
all the other green and grey dots and she could have been a girl dot or a boy dot and I kept watching all the others all far away from me screaming and playing and laughing and it was nearly the end of the break so I wiped my eyes and said in my brain Stop crying stop crying.
The Posting
Remember remember the 5th of November people say because it was the day of the Gunpowder Plot 400 years ago in 1605 which was a long time ago when William Shakespeare who wrote Plays was alive.
Mrs Fell said the Gunpowder Plot was when a group of Catholics wanted to blow up the English Parliament and King James the First and start a Catholic Uprising so that the Catholics could make the country more fair for them.
Mrs Fell said It was very like now a days where some people try and do horrible and violent things in the name of their religion. Or because they think it is the right thing to do. Or because they believe something SO STRONGLY they dont think of anything else but their cause and they would literally kill people who dont have the same beliefs.
She looked sad when she said this and I wondered if she was thinking of her Dad Ray Goodwin.
Charlotte Wards hand went up like a firework and Mrs Fell said Yes Charlotte?
Charlotte said How did they find out about the Gunpowder Plot?
Mrs Fell said One of the men sent a letter to his brother in law who was a Member of Parliament and the letter told him not to go to Parliament on its Opening Day on November the 5th. The letter was given to other important Members of Parliament and they searched the building and found 36 barrels of gunpowder in a cellar under the House of Lords. The men waited there and arrested Guy Fawkes who was the man who was going to light the gunpowder when he entered the cellar.
Jordan Harper was in my History class and he was on the desk behind me whispering Skitso Skitso Skitso and then Helmet Helmet Helmet then Daddy? Daddy? Wheres my daddy?
He was flicking bits of rubber on me and making the Back Row laugh and Mrs Fell said Jordan is something funny? If somethings funny why dont you be kind enough and share it with the whole class? Im sure wed all like to hear it.
