by Matt Haig
I had to tell Leah and Dane the Truth.
I had to tell them before Mr Fairviews Ghost told them so I went and asked Mum. She was doing her workout with her hands and knees on the floor and lifting out one knee at a time like a dog going for a wee.
I said Can I go out for one hour? Can I go to the library?
The library wasnt open on Sundays but Mum didnt know so it was a good excuse.
Bobby with the muscles on the DVD said You should be really feeling it by now.
Mum kept lifting her knee and she looked at me and said Ill drive you round. After my workout.
Bobby said Really burn those glutes. Feel it burning. Burning down the house.
I said Can I go on my own?
She said OK. Yes. But an hour thats all. Not like yesterday.
I didnt care if Dane and Leah told the police on me but I was a bit scared that Dane was going to kill me because then I might get the Terrors.
But I was thinking that the Terrors might just be another lie and maybe Dads Ghost wasnt Dads Ghost at all it might just be the Devil trying to get me to do bad things like kill Mr Fairview because he liked God not the Devil.
Danes skin head came to me in the fuzzy glass and he opened the door. I was scared he was going to kill me right then but he looked at me like a stranger or like I was just space or the water in a tank and I said Hi.
The Hi sounded stupid the way things always sound stupid when people die and I wanted to tell him It was me I killed him but I didnt.
He didnt say Hi back but he let me in.
There was no one in the house except Leah and Dane. I thought maybe they were going to live together now on their own with no grown ups.
I went upstairs and pushed open Leahs door and she was there sitting on the bed in her coat with the fur round the hood that made her look like an animal. An animal that might climb trees. I said Leah?
But the word was invisible to her ears.
Leah?
Leah its me.
Philip.
I sat next to her on the bed and saw her face in the reflection of the window. It was see through like a ghost and it wasnt crying it was not anything and I looked round at the posters all smiling like they didnt care and I said Leah Im sorry.
She was digging her right thumbnail into her left hand making a little blood smile and she said in a slow voice quiet like air nearly singing Dead and gone dead and gone.
There was a letter by the window and there were two tickets in a blue holder that said Air New Zealand and I said Are they from your aunt? Are you going to live in New Zealand?
Her head fell a bit on her left side and her eyes went wider in the window and she kept on saying it Dead and gone dead and gone dead and gone dead and gone dead and gone.
I said Leah. Leah?
And I saw her nail digging deeper in her hand and I tried to look at her face but it was just her hood so I looked in the window and I jumped because there was someone else next to her in the glass with a red face like the Devil and he had his arm round her and he said If it isnt little Philip?
Mr Fairview Makes Me Tell the Truth
I got off the bed very quick and I looked and he was there next to Leah. His burnt face was looking at me behind her hood and his burnt hand was on her shoulder. It was Mr Fairview in black clothes like coal with holes in them and redness coming through the holes and Leah couldnt see him or hear him. She was digging her nail and singing a pop song in a whisper
Tomorrow is Saint Valentines Day
And I dont expect no flowers
The best I can hope is to stay like this
Counting down the hours
Mr Fairview stood up off the bed and he had no hair on his head and no eyebrows. He just had twisty scars all over like screwed up paper and he came close to me and he said He cant handle the Terrors little Philip.
I said Please.
Leah kept on singing and Mr Fairview said with his finger on his invisible lips Sssh. Sssh. Can you hear that Philip? Can you hear his screams? He is screaming your name Philip but you cant hear him. Can you hear him Philip?
I shook my head.
Mr Fairview said There is no peace unto the wicked. No peace. Are you wicked Philip? Have you done a wicked thing? I think you must have Philip. I think that is why I am here. Have you been wicked?
I shook my head.
Mr Fairview went quiet and I could see the black bone in his jaw and his skin flapping and he said Even the ghosts dont want him now Philip.
I said Please leave me alone.
Mr Fairview said clubs have rules.
I said Please.
Mr Fairview said I told them the truth Philip.
I scrunched my eyes shut but I could still hear his voice.
I opened my eyes and looked at Leah and she was in her hood and making mumble sounds and Mr Fairview looked at her and said My Lambkin.
Then he looked at me and said Tell the truth Philip.
He kept on saying it over and over and over Tell the truth tell the truth tell the truth tell the truth.
And his words pushed me back into the wardrobe and then I ran out of the room and down the stairs and past the words on the wall in the frame Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free and I got to the back door and Dane was outside smoking.
Mr Fairview flickered on next to him and screamed from the Terrors and then he said You must tell him Philip. You must get it out of your system Philip. Or I will be here for ever Philip. I will follow you wherever you go.
I said Dane.
He looked at me and he sucked the cigarette inside him.
I said Dane again.
A What? came out of a smoke cloud.
I looked at his big hand as he sucked the cigarette with wide fingers and nearly no nails.
I said I know who started the fire.
Dane looked at me like Id pushed him and he said What?
I said I know who started the fire.
He did a smoke circle out his mouth and blew more smoke and broke it.
Dane said Philip just leave it.
Dane didnt understand so I said I cant.
I looked out and saw the backs of the other houses on the street behind and there were no lights in any of the windows so no one was there and no one was going to see Dane kill me.
He said What you fucking on about?
He flicked the cigarette on the ground and it rolled on the concrete and into a puddle and went out.
He got something out of his pocket something black and pulled metal out of it like a mirror but it wasnt a mirror it was a knife. He started scraping out the cement in the wall and making a cloud of dust.
Mr Fairviews Ghost looked at me and said Say it.
I said I did it.
Dane said What?
I said The fire.
He said What you talking about?
A dog started barking in one of the other backyards and the bark turned into a cry.
Mr Fairview said Say it again.
I said I did the fire. I started the fire at the Garage.
The words were inside Danes brain now getting bigger I STARTED THE FIRE AT THE GARAGE and pushing out his eyes.
He said with a quiet voice and a loud face You what?
I said I started the fire.
His hand that wasnt holding the knife was on my face and squeezing my cheeks and pulling my head up out of my body.
I said Im sorry. It was an accident. I meant to kill Uncle Alan.
He couldnt hear my words properly because I couldnt move my mouth because his hand was squeezing my cheeks.
Mr Fairviews Ghost was in Danes ear now and saying Do it son. Kill him. Get my Revenge. Let me rest.
Dane pushed the back of my head against the brick wall by the kitchen window and it hurt and then I felt cold metal on my neck and I thought in 20 seconds I will be DEAD. He will chop off my head and stick it in a jar like the Druids did when the Romans came to England.
He said Shut up s
hut up shut up.
I said Im sorry. I went to the Garage. I had some Magnesium. I set it on fire to kill my uncle.
He said Why you fucking saying that?
I said Im sorry.
He said What the fucks up with you?
I said Im sorry.
He said WHAT THE FUCKS UP WITH YOU?
I said Im sorry Dane Im sorry. I didnt know your dad was in there.
Mr Fairview said to Dane Let me rest. Let me rest.
The knife was tickling my neck and I closed my eyes and I waited for it to go in and splurt blood all over Danes face and over his earring in his eyebrow. I wondered how long it would take for my brain to die and I hoped hed do it properly not how Emperor Nero did it when he wanted to kill himself and had to get his soldiers to help him because he hadnt pushed the knife right in.
I thought KILL ME QUICK KILL ME QUICK KILL ME QUICK but then I thought of the Terrors and of Mum and I thought I dont want to die.
And my eyes were open now and I saw the sky that was clear with all the stars. Some of them were dead and some of them were alive but you couldnt tell because the light was still shining.
Mr Fairview said Do it son. Press the knife.
And Dane said to himself Do it! Fucking do it! Do it! Fucking do it! Cunt! Do it!
And I thought that was it that was the full stop but it wasnt because he threw the knife down and he roared like he was an animal. I didnt know why he threw down the knife. I didnt know if it was because of Leah or New Zealand or his dad.
He turned and I looked at his back and he said in the quietest voice in the world Dont come round again or Ill kill you Philip. If you tell Leah Ill kill you. Ill kill you. I fucking swear.
And he didnt turn round and I went to the gate and I opened it and I started walking and Mr Fairview stayed with Dane and didnt follow.
Someone to See Me
It was December the 6th and that meant there was only four days to go before Dads Ghost had to have the Terrors for ever.
And I didnt know what to do because I didnt know what was true and what was not true. I used to think things go wrong because you are a wimp and wait too long and dont do things but I knew now that things go wrong when you do things and they are the wrong things. And even if they are the right things they still go wrong in the end because doing one thing is impossible because you do one thing and another thing always happens and another thing and another thing and another thing and another thing and another thing and even more things.
It was the weekend and Sleepy Eye Terry had been in the Living Room all morning talking to Uncle Alan and Mum about Mr Fairviews funeral which they went to on the day before. And then Uncle Alan and Sleepy Eye Terry went downstairs and out and so I dared to go in the Living Room and see Mum.
I said Wheres Uncle Alan?
She was putting the washing in the washing machine and she said Hes gone fishing. I told him to. He needs to take his mind off You Know.
She didnt look at me in the eyes. She hadnt looked at me in the eyes since she told the lie to the policeman.
I thought about helping Mum with the washing but I didnt I just went back into my room and did nothing for two hours. I just stared at the ceiling and pretended to take my pill when Mum asked me.
I thought about telling Dads Ghost to go away and now I wished I hadnt because if Mr Fairview was right Dads Ghost was not allowed in the Dead Fathers Club and so he had no one.
I heard Mums voice and she said Yes yes. He is. Ill just get him.
And then she called up the stairs Philip? Philip love? Theres someone to see you.
And I went downstairs and Mum wasnt there. It was just the door open and Dane was standing there with his skin head growing out his eyebrow growing scabs and I thought He has changed his mind and he is going to knife me.
I got to the door and waited for him to knife me but he didnt have a knife. He just said Shes gone.
I said What?
His eyes looked like they had been taken out and put back in.
He said Have you seen her? Has she been round here?
My heart fell like a pebble inside me and I wished he was going to kill me and I said No.
I saw Leah in my head. I saw her trying to save me from the boys and her red and brown hair blowing to me.
I said Shes not been here.
His eyes were jerking all over and he said to himself Ive got to look for her Ive got to keep looking keep looking keep looking. And his eyes stopped jerking and saw a brick a half brick on the ground in the car park and he picked it up and he went over to Carlas little white car and he smashed the window and he got in and sat down on the glass and he bent down so I couldnt see him and was ten seconds and then the car did a cough and started and he shut the door of the car and zoomed out the car park and the tyres cried when he skidded off like they were scared.
The Paper Bird
I said into the air Dad.
I said Dad come back.
I said Dad Dad. Come back. I need you.
I said Dad please. I need to find Leah. Shes in trouble. Shes gone missing.
I went out to the Bottle Banks but I still couldnt see Dads Ghost and I said Can anyone help me? Ray? Ray Goodwin? I need to find Mr Fairviews daughter. She is called Leah. Can anyone help? Mr Fairview? Are you there?
I heard a voice behind me and at first I thought it was one of the ghosts and the voice said All right Philip?
And the voice was laughing and I turned round and it was Big Vic and he was jingling his car keys jingle jingle and he was with Les Miserable and Les Miserable didnt say anything he just looked down and zipped up his jacket which was weird because they were going to go into the Pub and Big Vic said Talking to the Bottle Banks?
He was still laughing and they looked weird standing there thin Les and fat Vic side by side like a number 10 and I didnt say anything and my quietness stopped Vics laughing. Then the wind started and Les Miserable didnt want to speak to me because I had seen him with the woman and he had seen me near the fire and he said to Vic with his not moving mouth Come on its getting raw.
His head nodded backwards to the Pub like his hair was iron filings and the Pub was a magnet and they turned round and the wind pushed them to the Pub and I heard Big Vic and he said Hes a fucking fruit and nut that kid.
I saw a piece of paper on the ground. It was the Newark Advertiser and it was the front page and the back page. The front page had a picture of the Garage all black from the fire and the word TRAGEDY and then the wind unfolded the paper and the words were GARAGE FIRE TRAGEDY. The paper flew into the air like it was a bird with wings.
I followed it out of the car park and onto the road.
I kept on following the paper and it went down Castlegate and then it went down another road and then it stopped for a minute and I thought that was weird because Leah wasnt there but then it started moving and people were looking at me strange but I didnt care. I kept following the paper and it went down a passage and out and I thought Oh no because I knew where we were. We were at the river.
The ground was concrete and then it was grass and then longer grass and there was a path very thin and I ran because the paper was taking off now and going quickly and I looked back for one second and the buildings were going it was just grass now and the wind whispered We are near.
I looked forward and kept running following the paper and it was high and hard to see because of the bright clouds then I heard a noise like a toilet flush but louder and not going away. I knew what it was. It was the weir. And the wind was saying we are near weir near.
I shouted LEAH! And there was nothing. Just the weir getting louder and the paper getting closer.
LEAH!
LEAH!
LEAH!
And then the paper started to come down from the sky and when it came down I stopped running and followed it with my eyes and then I saw her and she was standing high on the bridge with her arms out like Jesus.
She was standing on the wall of th
e bridge not on the bit you walk and the water was below her and the weir was foam like white clouds like a waterfall and it was far down like a swimming pool off a diving board but not like a swimming pool because you die if you go in the weir everyone knows.
She had a top on with short sleeves like it was summer and not the coldest day in the world.
LEAH!
LEAH!
Her red and brown hair was blowing all wild like it was alive and didnt want to die with the rest of her.
LEAH!
LEAH!
She couldnt hear me because the water was so loud it was like there was nothing else just the water so I ran closer shouting and she turned and saw me and turned back and looked down at the water and I was very scared she was going to jump in the water and the newspaper wrapped round her legs and then up and away into nowhere.
Standing on the Bridge
I said DONT.
I said DONT LEAH DONT. COME DOWN. ITS MY FAULT. DONT.
I was shouting because of the weir noise and Leah put her arms down and her arms were pink like sausages because of the cold and she had words on them not in blue pen in red blood DEAD + GONE.
She turned and looked down at me and she saw me but she didnt say anything and her face looked empty like the shops near Nans with wood in the windows and then she looked back down at the water and I got closer to her and I said LEAH GET DOWN!
My words got drowned.
I looked down the path to see if anyone was coming and there he was Dads Ghost. He was standing there in his red T shirt but his arms werent cold and he said Be careful Philip. You cant change whats happened.
He didnt care about Leah and that made me mad so I said IT WAS YOU IT WAS YOUR FAULT YOU DID IT YOU KILLED HIM IT WAS YOU.
Leah turned round because I was louder now and she could hear.
I was speaking to Dads Ghost but Leah didnt know I was speaking to Dads Ghost because she couldnt see Dads Ghost because she had her back to the path and she couldnt see ghosts.
I turned and said LEAH NO!
But it was too late and she was falling forward her body all straight like a door and I ran to the wall and saw her drop down into the water and land with a little white splash.
