We sniggered as we ate our salads. I’d discovered that pregnant women would eat regardless when they were hungry, so the topic of conversation didn’t put us off.
I looked over to see Cole staring at her and opening and closing his mouth before storming to the front door and slamming it behind him. We’d just burst out laughing when he opened it again and yelled, “You’re all sick!” and slammed it again. It opened five seconds later and yelled, “I’m telling Dad!” By this point, I had tears streaming down my face and my stomach was hurting because I was laughing that hard. When the door opened again, I moved my bowl to where the side table was and hoped for dear life that I hit the target because I couldn’t see through the tears. “Screw you guys! Shitting on your babies.”
It took a while to calm down, but we’d just settled back and had resumed the DVD after finishing lunch because apparently, there was something that would put a pregnant woman off of her food - birth.
The woman who’d had the epidural was bearing down as hard as she could and panting as they held her legs in the air and I covered my face with my hands, only peeking through a tiny gap between my fingers. Just as the camera moved down towards the business end and you saw the baby’s head starting to crown, Tony walked in and took the seat that Cole had vacated.
“Hey chica’s, what’s jiggling, apart from Maya’s as…oh my fucking God. What’s happening to her beef curtains?” he screamed, jumping up from the couch and then jumping up and down pointing. “What the fuck is that? Why is this happening? Why are you watching it?”
Even Colette was crying she was laughing that hard. His face was worse than Cole’s with the disgust at watching the baby coming out of her and he was biting his hand and squealing.
“Her vagoo is wrecked, it’s ruined. There’s just no coming…oh sweet Jesus, why does that baby hate her?” He went back to biting his hand and squealing.
“It…goes…back…” Maya tried to get out in between her laughs. I was glad that she was answering him because I was gone. I was holding my stomach because it was so painful and I was starting to panic that I was going to pee myself because I was laughing that hard.
“You’re lying,” he glared at Maya as the screams started getting louder as the woman gave birth to the baby’s shoulders. “Her cooter is going to be like an abyss, look at it! Oh God, she’s going to have a baby canon, they’ll just shoot out of her!”
The screams stopped on the screen and were replaced with the cries of the very angry newborn baby, and I looked just in time to see the baby being placed on her mother’s chest. It was so beautiful!
“Isla, shame on you,” Tony said, pointing at the puddle forming on the floor. “Just because you’re pregnant, it doesn’t give you the right to just pee where you want to.”
I was mortified, I couldn’t believe that I’d peed myself and on Maya’s couch and floor in front of everyone. I was trying to get off the couch to apologize when a stabbing pain hit me in my stomach, it was like the other ones that I’d had when I was laughing but it felt like I was being split in two.
“Oh shit,” I gasped, holding my stomach.
“Ahhh, that’s lovely,” Colette said, standing up and walking towards me. “She’s in labor, Maya, can you phone your cousin please and let him know?”
“I can’t be in labor,” I panted as another pain hit me. “Luke isn’t here! He said he’d be here. And the woman did a shit and I have two babies to push out so I’m going to…”
Shouting out the door for Graham to bring the car around, Colette ignored my crazy verbal vomiting and helped me up off of the ruined couch and toward the car.
“I’ll replace your couch,” I said to Maya who was following behind me with Tony.
I didn’t get to hear what she said because Graham was in front of me and helping me into the SUV with Colette sitting in the front while I lay out in the back. Maya and Tony were following in her security’s vehicle.
Graham had been practicing the drive to the hospital and got there in eight minutes. I’d ended up having to brace my feet against the door and hold onto the handle of the door at my head. Every time I’d screamed or made a noise, he’d gone that bit faster and going around corners had become pretty scary.
He pulled up to the doors and jumped out yelling for help as Colette got calmly out of the car and walked around to get my bag out of the trunk where we’d been keeping it for the last two weeks. I heard wheels and looked down to see two women in scrubs wheeling a bed toward me as Graham reached in and gently lifted me out of the car.
“Sorry about your car,” I panted because fuck me these things were painful.
“It’s cool, it’s Coleman’s,” Graham sniggered placing me on the gurney.
“Her contractions are slowing a bit,” Colette said in a business tone. “They were coming every three and a half minutes, and now they’re at five. She’s thirty-six weeks and three days pregnant with twins and her water has broken.”
Graham followed, leaving Maya’s security guard to move his car away from the entrance. “You got this, kiddo,” he said as we got off the elevator onto the floor, where I was going to push two watermelons out of my cooch.
Tony decided to stay outside while Maya came in with Colette. “I’ve called Luke and he wasn’t answering,” she said. “But I sent a message to everyone to tell them where we were and left a message with Luke’s secretary and also on his phone.”
“I can’t do this without him.” Yes, I was crying, yes, I felt hysterical, but I was in fucking agony. “Can I have the drugs now?”
The nurse who was getting me into the bed after helping me into the gown laughed. “Let’s check you out first.”
My legs were put in stirrups and I grabbed onto Maya and Colette’s hands as the nurse checked me over. “Okay, I’m gonna get Dr. Conlan here. You are six centimeters dilated and the contractions seem to be speeding up to three and a half minutes again, so I’d say you were about ready to have these little people you’ve been looking after in there.”
“But Luke’s not here.” He had to be here. It was his penis that got me into this shit!
“I’ll get the anesthesiologist to come through, too,” the nurse said, patting my leg and standing. “I won’t be long. We’re understaffed just now, otherwise, I’d call someone in to stay here while I went and paged both of them. Give me five minutes.”
I missed her leaving as the most awful pain ripped through me and I almost broke my teeth clenching my jaw.
“Get…Luke,” I croaked through the constant panting that I seemed to be doing.
“I’ll call again,” Maya said followed by Colette saying, “I’ll call George. He’ll be able to get him back.”
“Oh shit, don’t both of you leave me!”
They looked at each other and then at the door as Tony stuck his head through. “All clear?”
“Can you stay with her for a minute Tony?” Maya asked. “We need to go and make some phone calls to get Luke here or he’s gonna miss his babies coming into the world.”
“Do I have to?” He whined. Oh my God, what a little bitch.
“GET LUKE!” I screamed as another contraction hit.
When I opened my eyes, Tony was standing there looking nervous and fidgeting so I reached out and grabbed his hand to hold onto. After five minutes, they still hadn’t come back and the nurse had stuck her head around the door to say that Dr.
Conlan was on her way and she was waiting for the epidural God to come out of surgery, and then she’d fucking left!
The pains were almost constant now, and with every contraction, I’d scream and Tony would scream, too, as I crushed his hand.
“Tony,” I ground out. “Something feels strange.”
“Uh huh!”
“No, down there; it feels strange.”
“What do you want me to do about it?” He looked scared and tried to back away, but I had a good grip on his hand.
“Look!” It was hard to talk because I was focusi
ng on the breathing that we’d been taught at the classes I’d gone to with Luke.
“No, no way!” He replied shaking his head furiously. “I’ll call Maya; I’ll call anyone just please, no!”
“Look at my goddamn vagina!” I yelled the last bit as the pain got worse and I felt pressure and the urge to push.
“You’re paying for my therapy,” he snapped as he walked down and lifted the sheet up. I had my feet planted in the bed and my legs bent far apart so he could pretty much see my tonsils if he got the right angle. “Oh god, am I shitting?”
He got closer and a look of horror came onto his face. “What the fuck is that? Oh sweet Jesus, it’s like a black hole!”
“Did I shit?” I couldn’t stop yelling now as I tried not to bear down, but my body decided it wanted to anyway.
“Stop it! Make it stop!” He screamed, taking a step back from the bed and trying to cover his eyes with his hands.
“What’s going on?” I bellowed. I’d had enough; I was in agony, my asshole, dickface husband was MIA.
“Your cooter is going to swallow the room is what’s fucking happening,” he yelled. “There’s something coming out. Oh my God it’s like a horror movie! Poor Luke is never gonna hit the sides again!” He stood up pulling at his hair and moved back again shaking his head furiously. “Oh no, oh no, make it stop!”
I couldn’t stop myself from bearing down and pushing as hard as I could. The pain in my jayjay was worse than anything I’d ever felt in my life and my stomach felt like I had an electric current passing around a wire on it. I sat up and gave one last push and heard Tony scream as the pain left my body and I lay back sweaty and panting. The sound of a baby crying had me lifting my head to see Tony standing back from the bed, holding a tiny baby in his arms.
“It was like a canon,” he mumbled, looking a gray color. “It shot out at me,” he started to sway. “It was going to go through the wall!”
He was really swaying just as the door opened and Dr. Conlan and my bitch of a nurse walked in smiling until they saw the baby in Tony’s arms.
“Oh, Isla, I’m so sorry. The elevators stopped working and we got stuck in them and couldn’t call anyone.” Dr. Conlan looked genuinely upset as she put gloves on and a gown over her scrubs.
The nurse walked up to Tony and was reaching for the angry little baby in his arms as she said, “You don’t look very good sweetie. Why don’t you take a seat?”
“It shout out at me,” he repeated, swaying again. “Canon,” he mumbled.
“Sit down, sweetie,” the nurse encouraged, pushing him toward a chair.
He walked over to where she was pushing him and just as he went to sit he looked at his white shirt and started gagging. “Vagina juice…vagina juice!”
We all looked over at his ruined shirt and winced. I have no idea what a majority of it was, but if it was on me, I’d be gagging, too.
Just as he was building up to a Tony style episode and ripping his shirt off, Luke walked in. “I’m so sorry, Angel, we had to get David’s helicopter to bring me back…” he looked towards the crying baby in the corner of the room, the actual baby, not the crying big baby who had ripped his shirt off. “Is that…”
Dr. Conlan turned around holding a wrapped up screaming bundle. “You missed cutting the cord Daddy, but we’ve still got one more to go! You have a beautiful healthy daughter, though. Do you want to hold her while we work on number two?”
Luke shook his head rapidly as the baby was passed to him, taking her automatically from the doctor as he continued to shake his head and then turned to look at me accusingly. “You promised!”
“Get over it, you asshole!” I yelled, shocking everyone in the room, including Tony who was creeping towards the door. “I just shot your child out of my taco and you weren’t fucking here!”
“I’ll never be able to blink again without seeing it,” Tony whispered from the door. “It was like a canon…I had vagina juice on me!”
“And you get over it, too! Oh my God, I haven’t had any drugs, I didn’t have any doctors, I shot a baby out of my glovebox and you’re,” I flung my arm in Luke’s direction, “whining because you have a daughter, and you,” I pointed a shaking hand at a terrified looking Tony, “whining about vagina fucking juice. What about my bajingo?” I screamed the last bit as the pains got closer together again. “Oh no, I’ve changed my mind!” I wailed just as Colette came running back in and Tony took the opportunity to run out of it.
“Give me the…ooo a pink hat! You have girl,” she cooed at the now quiet bundle in her arms. “Go stand by Isla.” She instructed to Luke.
“I’m not sure I want to?”
“Get your ass over here, Montgomery, or I swear that I’ll tear your nuts off and shove them up your aargh!”
“Oh, here comes the head. Okay Isla, do your breathing and don’t push until I tell you,” Dr. Conlan instructed as Luke walked slowly toward me and held out a shaky hand for me to grab onto.
Just out of spite, I gripped it as hard as I could and then added my other hand for good measure. Screaming at the pain, I pushed when she told me to and squeezed Luke’s hand as hard as I could which ended up with his upper body on the bed and him begging me to stop.
“We have a breaker,” the nurse murmured to Dr. Conlan who snorted.
“Okay Isla, start pushing.”
After six hard pushes and a lot of Luke’s screaming, baby boy Montgomery was born screaming his head off to join his daddy.
Luke
I was lying next to Isla on the bed with Dewi’s head resting in the crook of my arm, just missing the cast that I’d had to go and get put on after Isla gave birth to Kali. She had broken two of my metacarpals and I’m sure some of it was out of spite, they were worth it, though.
Isla was feeding Kali and looked beautiful with flushed cheeks as she looked down and watched him. It was hard to believe that she’d turned into a screaming evil version of the Hulk, only an hour before.
Leaning over, I kissed the side of her head and she turned to look at me. “Thank you, Angel,” I whispered. I’d been adamant I wasn’t going to turn into a crying pussy, but my babies were gorgeous and the love I felt for them was so extreme that I couldn’t help it. “I love you!”
Giving me the sweet smile that was all Isla, she leaned over and whispered, “I still haven’t forgiven you and you’re paying Tony’s therapy bill. But thank you for giving me the most perfect and beautiful babies in the world.”
Chapter 31
Cole
S itting by the lake, I slugged back some more Jameson’s and looked out over the water. Luke and Isla had had their twins yesterday and when I’d visited today it cut me deep. Today was the anniversary of the worst day of my life and I could hear her saying the words on repeat through my mind. “It’s gone, it’s gone, it’s gone!”
I drained the bottle and put it on the ground next to me and lifted up the new one. Every year, I did this same thing, and every year, I swore I’d never do it again.
Stripping off, I walked down to the water and took a final slug before screwing the cap on and tossing the bottle behind me hearing it thud somewhere on the grass.
Walking into the water, I let it cool me down and floated on my back staring up at the blurry stars above me.
“It’s gone…”
Bonus Scene
Luke
“I wonder how he got on?” Ren snorted as we walked up to the front door of our house. We’d agreed to let Cole watch the babies while we took the women for their appointments with Doctor Conlan. The babies were two weeks old and the doctor had wanted to give Isla a checkup just to see how she was healing after giving birth to two babies over six pounds. Maya was thirty-three weeks and doing well, after hearing Isla giving birth, though, I think she was a bit more nervous. I’d also replaced their couch, even though she’d sworn that it wasn’t necessary, but it seemed like the fairest thing to do.
As we opened the door we heard the sounds of Fr
ozen’s Let It Go playing from the family room with Cole singing along and all tip toed in its direction.
“This is where Disney went wrong, Dewi,” Cole spoke in a baby voice, and I looked around the door to see him lying on his back with Dewi lying on his chest as Kali slept in his swinging chair beside them. He liked his space while he was sleeping, whereas Dewi was the one who wanted contact a majority of the time and let it be known - loudly. “They’ll tell you about a princess who lived with seven men, but that’s not okay. And you definitely don’t go around kissing guys who say they’re princes either! Then there’s the jumping from bed to bed,” he shifted her as she wiggled on his chest. “That Goldilocks was a dirty little girl! You listen to Uncle Cole; he’ll keep you on the right track.”
Isla’s shoulders were shuddering in front of me as she laughed quietly, but I had to admit he had a point. Flashes of the future and Dewi kissing boys and jumping from bed to bed went through my mind and I started to panic.
“Shall we sing Let It Go again one more time? Oh if you insist!” He said, standing up and holding her in one arm as he danced around the room singing and not getting one word wrong. What the fuck?
Ren stood beside me watching in horrified fascination as his brother basically kicked Frozen’s ass, and then pointed the remote at the TV and put on Bippity-Boppity Boo. Dewi let out a noise like she was giggling and I swear my babies were more advanced than any other ever had been by their age because they totally giggled and smiled even though people said that it was just wind.
He was just doing a pirouette thing and I was getting ready to storm in and yell at him for not holding my child properly when the most horrendous wet sounding fart sounded and we watched as my beautiful little girl started out of the sides of her diaper all over her Uncle’s stomach.
Maya was gagging beside us and Isla was full out laughing while Cole slowly turned toward us and stood stiffly with the confusing amount of baby crap sliding down his tee; she was tiny, where the hell did it come from?
Providence Series Books 1-4 Page 51
