I thought for a minute he was going to faint, but all he did was look at his mom and then run out of the room in the direction of the bathroom. The sounds of him throwing up hit us seconds later.
Sighing, Colette moved towards the door, “I’ll go and get them.”
I felt my hands start to shake as we pulled up in front of my parents’ house. The last time that I’d been here was to collect some of Lou’s stuff. Looking at it now, I remembered us playing in front of it and swinging on the porch swing, seeing how far we could go in it. It looked exactly the same as it had then, and I looked at the door expecting her to walk out and grin at me. God, I wanted that so badly.
It had been a silent drive from Piersville to here. Cole had seemed to know that I needed to just think and try to prepare for whatever my parents were going to tell me. When I’d told them that I was coming and that I was bringing Cole, my Dad had sounded like he was about to cry.
Turning off the engine, Cole turned to face me, leaning his arm on the wheel. “We can still turn around.”
Giving him a small smile, I went to open the door, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm. “I mean it,” he said gently. “You need to leave, you say so and it’s done, okay? I’ll leave the keys in the cup holder so the car will always be open. You say the word and come out and sit in here, and I’ll collect our shit and meet you here. Deal?”
He held his pinky out to me making me smile as I hooked my own around it and we shook them. “Pinky swear.”
Getting out of the car, Cole went to the trunk and got our bags out. When I looked back at the house, my parents were standing on the porch with my Dad’s arms around my Mom. They looked pretty much the same, but I could tell that Mom had lost weight. Taking my hand, Cole led us up to them.
I’d just stepped onto the porch when my Mom launched herself at me and held me in a hug so tight that I was struggling to breathe as she sobbed onto my shoulder. Looking at my Dad, I was shocked to see tears running down his face too. The only one who’s emotions I understood at this moment was Cole, who had taken a step back and was standing watching it all with a look of confusion on his face.
Hesitantly, I did something I’d never done before and put my arms back around her and rubbed her back trying to comfort her. She’d given me brief hugs when I was a child, but it had never been anything like this. Even when Lou died, all she’d done is rub my shoulder and put her arm around me.
She took a step back after a couple of minutes and, wiping her face, she turned to introduce herself to Cole as Dad took her place and swept me up in a bear hug. After Dad had put me back down, he also introduced himself to Cole before guiding us into the house.
I walked through the front door and the smell of the house that I remembered so well hit me all at once bringing with it a thousand memories, all of them like stabs to my heart and soul. It smelt like her, like Lou. I got halfway down the hall before I noticed that the normally blank walls now had framed photographs on them. In front me was a photo of Lou and me when we were really young, sitting on the floor hugging each other as we spoke. I remembered it even if I’d only been around four at the time. We were talking about living in a castle together and how we’d eat strawberries all day. I hadn’t ever realized that my parents had ever taken anything other than the token pictures of us.
Taking a step back, I looked around at the other photographs hanging on the walls and burst into tears. I was surrounded by photos of me and Lou taken throughout our lives, photos that hadn’t existed before now. My hero put his arms around me and held me tight while I sobbed like I hadn’t done since that day, even during the fire I hadn’t cried like this. Not once had Lou or I known that they were taking our photos, and she died not knowing that they actually saw her. I felt like someone had torn my heart out of my chest again and was stabbing it repeatedly. I wanted her back so fucking much; I needed my sister back.
Cole
I’d had to take Ebru up to her room. She had stopped crying eventually, but the whole time she’d sobbed I’d been torn between putting her back in the car and trying to comfort her parents as well, who were crying almost as hard as she was. I don’t even think she realized that they were crying with her, and I’ll admit that I was fighting the need to cry with her too. I’ve never heard anyone sob like that in my life, but as I’d looked around and seen the photos and thought back to what she’d told me about her childhood, I knew that it had come as a shock to her. She looked so like her sister it was scary, almost like looking at identical twins. You could see how close they were in the photos because they were always right next to each other, smiling at whatever it was that they’d been up to.
I’d lain beside her as she had a nap thinking about it all and how I’d feel if one of my siblings was taken away from me with no warning, or if I’d thought that my parents didn’t give a flying fuck about me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine it and I didn’t want to imagine the pain that it would cause. How she’d turned out to be the amazing person that she had I didn’t know; all I knew was that she wouldn’t ever live without knowing how loved she was, not only from me but from my family too. I’d make sure of it.
Ebru had woken up about an hour after she’d passed out and, after washing her face, we’d gone back downstairs to see her parents and were now sitting around the table. I’d tried making small talk and her Dad was joining in, but both Eb and her mom, Enya, were sitting quietly moving the food around their plates.
“Ebru,” her mom whispered, making her jump and look up from her plate, and shutting me and her Dad up. Leaning over the table, she gently and almost warily took Ebru’s hand. I could see how tense Eb was, so I reached for her knee under the table letting her know that she wasn’t alone.
“Why Mom?” Eb croaked. Her throat must have been red raw from all of the crying.
Looking over at Ebru’s Dad, Finn, she cleared her throat. “You and Louise Dharma are everything to us, Ebru Dhyana,” she began, and it took me a second to realize that Dhyana was Eb’s middle name. “We were brought up to allow the spirits of our children to grow and become whatever you both wanted them to be. You and Louey were such free spirits that gravitated around each other that we knew we needed to allow you to grow and go where the wind took you.” I was becoming completely lost with what the hell they were talking about. “When Lou was diagnosed incorrectly, we spoke to another specialist who told us he would see her in two days time to reassess her because he disagreed with the diagnosis that it was in her head. He also asked us to play it down to avoid any further stress being put on her. She died the day before her appointment.”
Enya had tears running down her face, and when I looked at Finn, he was watching her with tears in his eyes too. “When we lost her…” her Mom’s voice broke and she let out a sob. Finn got up and picked her up and sat with her in his lap and took over.
“We were lost too, we still are. We handled it badly, but we didn’t know what to do,” he swallowed audibly. “It’s no excuse, but we’d just lost our baby and you had lost the other part of your soul and we knew it.”
I was watching Ebru now and saw when a tear slowly fell down her cheek. She hadn’t even blinked during all of this, she was just staring at them and listening.
“We’ve tried so hard to get you back,” her Mom whispered through her sobs. “The knowledge that we lost both of our babies…”
Finn gave Enya a big squeeze and reached out to Ebru for her hand. She just sat staring at his hand for a long while before reaching out a shaky hand and taking his. I squeezed her leg tighter under the table.
“Ebby,” Finn said. “Your mother has cancer.”
I didn’t think it was possible after all of the crying now, but Ebru burst into tears again. Not knowing what else to do, I picked her up and put her on my lap, holding her as tightly as Finn was still holding Enya. The second I got her in position, I let the tears that had been building since we’d arrived run down my face as I met Finn’s eyes.
“W
hat can we do to help you?”
The look of relief on Finn’s face made the tears run down my own even faster.
“You’re doing it already.”
Ebru
We’d stayed up until 2am discussing my mom’s cancer and treatment. She had stage two ovarian cancer and they were going to operate in nine days time and then start treatment. When I’d been growing up, they tended to go for natural remedies, but not now; the story that they’d told me about Louise and the appointment that they’d made for her had proven that.
After a night of truly shit sleep, we were sitting at the table with breakfast in front of us and some of the tension that had been suffocating us the night before had gone.
I was suffering from mild period pains now which were tolerable, but it meant that I was a picky eater and all of the pancakes that had been placed in front of me were staring at me like my worst enemy.
“You okay, sunshine?” Mom asked me as she pottered around the kitchen, brewing another pot of coffee.
“I can’t eat these,” I muttered, feeling almost nauseous.
My Mom gave me a knowing look, and two minutes later a large bowl of cut up fruit was placed in front of me while Cole took my pancakes. “Is it almost over?” She asked as she sat down opposite me.
Nodding, I took another mouthful of fruit as Cole sat back and rubbed his stomach. How he ate so quickly without choking or his stomach exploding I didn’t know.
“Cole’s allergic to anything…menstrual,” I informed her. When we’d been younger, she had always made a big deal about the Goddess blessing us whenever we had our periods. No Goddess blessed me during mine, more like passed me to the devil to torture. I knew that this type of conversation would freak him out, though, so I was trying to subtly let her know to leave the Goddess alone.
“I know what you mean,” Mom said as she filled his cup with more coffee. Giving her a relieved and grateful nod, he lifted the cup to his mouth as Mom said, “Both she and Lou insisted on using manufactured sanitary products. Personally, I always found catching it in a cup easier and more in touch with how nature would have intended.”
Cole sat like a statue with his cheeks puffed out with the mouthful of coffee that he’d taken just as she said the word ‘cup’. Dropping the mug that he’d still been holding on the floor, he shot out of his chair. The sound of the back door slamming behind him was punctuated by the incredibly loud sounds of Jurassic Park as he threw up the ten pancakes that he’d eaten, and the three cups of coffee that he’d enjoyed so far today.
Looking at me in confusion, Mom said, “What did I say?”
Sighing, I leaned back in my seat as the Raptorsaurus and T-Rex battled it out on the back porch of my parents’ home. “You said cup,” I explained holding my own up in the air. “He thinks you meant one of these.”
My Dad burst out laughing followed quickly by my Mom. Watching them and seeing them do something that I hadn’t seen a lot of as a child, I couldn’t help joining in. Only Cole!
Cole
It was a couple of hours before we were due to leave her parents to drive back to Piersville. Yesterday, after they’d cleared up the fact that they weren’t talking about actual cups, we’d spent the day exploring and Eb had pointed out where her and Lou used to play. I loved hearing her memories and the stories of what they got up to; I think I would have liked Lou. Her parents had kept all of Lou’s stuff in her room, and told us that there was an attic full of boxes of photos that Ebru could go through and take what she wanted. I now had three extra bags and two large boxes of photos and Louise’s stuff in the car, but I didn’t mind; far from it.
Ebru said as soon as we woke up that she wanted to go and see her sister, and I’d toyed with the idea of letting her go alone to spend time with Louise. I couldn’t leave Ebru to go by herself though, and I wanted to meet Louise myself. I had a lot to say to her.
We were making our way through the graveyard and I made sure to keep hold of Ebru’s hand. It was actually a beautiful place set on a hill that looked down over some fields and a large forest. The church was at the very top and, at this moment, was breathtaking with the sun shining down onto it.
We were close to the top of the hill when Ebru stopped and stood staring at the grave in front of her. Looking at the headstone, I saw the now familiar face of Louise smiling back at me and read the inscription on it.
Louise Dharma Wells
She lived her life for those she loved
And those she loved will never forget her
I looked at her date of birth and realized she would have been the same age as Ren if she’d still been alive.
I decided to stay quiet as Ebru cleared the leaves and crap off her grave on her hands and knees while speaking to her. She told her about their Mom, and it almost killed me when she told her about all of the photos and that Louise needed to know that they had loved them. I couldn’t imagine growing up that way. I wanted Ebru to have peace when it came to her family because the proof of how short life could be was right in front of me, but at the same time, I couldn't help harboring some resentment towards them for how Ebru and Louise had grown up. I knew that Eb was struggling to forgive past what she already had, and the fact that they’d kept Lou’s room the way it had been and hadn’t thrown her stuff out went a long way towards that. The photos that we were now taking back to Piersville went even further, but I didn’t know if she’d ever forgive them completely, and I couldn’t blame her for that. I just didn’t want her to have any regrets.
“And this is Cole,” Ebru said as she reached her hand back to me. Taking it, I took a step forward onto the grass and knelt beside her.
“Hi Louise, I’ve heard so much about you. Your sister has been taking me around all of y’all’s old haunts here and telling me all of the stories about you.” I’d thought that I’d feel like a twat talking to a headstone, but instead it felt almost natural. “I know Ebru has filled you in on what’s been going on, but I want you to know that I promise that I will look after her. She will never want for anything and I’ll make sure that she knows how much she means to me every day, until forever.” I heard Ebru gasp beside me as I said all of this and knew that I was laying myself bare in front of her, but I meant every word that I said. Leaning over, I picked up a couple of leaves that she hadn’t got to yet. “And try not to get a big head about this, but the photos that we have of you are going to be put all over our home so that you’re with Eb all of the time.” Leaning back, I thought hard on what else I could say. “I also want to thank you for watching over her during the fire. I can’t imagine my life without her in it, and if it hadn’t been for you that would be my reality now.”
Deciding that she needed a few minutes alone with her sister, I stood up and dusted off my knees. I thought about how to say goodbye, and then it hit me. “It’s been wonderful finally meeting you, Louise. I just wished that I’d actually got to meet you in person. One day I will, though.”
I squeezed Eb’s shoulder and walked away with my hands in my pockets, trying not to cry at the senseless loss of an amazing and precious life.
A couple of graves away, I saw some blue teddy bears and figurines of angels around a grave and stopped. The headstone said:
Lyall Jonathan Mitchell
Taken out of his mother’s arms
way too early. Died in his sleep
22-5-15.
“Lyall died of the baby version of what Lou died from,” Ebru whispered behind me. “I met the parents a couple of months after he passed away, and they told me that it had been deemed as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I explained about Lou and knowing that they died of the same thing, and me promising that Louise would make sure that he was okay, made his Mom smile and helped slightly. I can’t imagine leaving my baby behind every time I come here. It’s bad enough leaving my sister!”
Seeing this put it all into perspective for me. Life was precious and I’d had that choice taken away from me, but it was in the past. My future was stan
ding right in front of me.
Walking up to her and putting my arms around her, I leaned down to give her a soft kiss. “I love you, Ebru Dhyana Wells,” I whispered against her lips.
She leaned her head back slightly and stared up at me looking completely shocked. Admittedly, it wasn’t a story to tell the kids about, confessing your love for their mother in a cemetery, but at the same time with Louise so close to us it was absolutely perfect. She continued to look at me before she whispered so softly that I almost didn’t hear it, “Until forever.”
Using my words to her sister back to me told me more than she’d ever realize. Ebru had just told me she loved me. I could wait for the actual words because those ones meant more to me than anything.
Leaning my forehead against hers, I realized that we’d both hit the one place where we could drop the hurt of our pasts and let our walls down to let the other in. This was our moment.
Chapter 11
Cole
W e’d been back now for a couple of days, and Ebru seemed to have accepted the news her parents had given her during our visit. She had even gone as far as to arrange for us to go back to visit them after her mother’s surgery next week. It would only be for one night, but it was something. The thing that was worrying me was that she wasn’t talking about it. I wasn’t a chick, but if it were me, I’d be wanting to discuss not only the cancer but also the photos and Louise herself.
Before we’d left, I’d taken the chance to speak to Finn about when Eb had been stabbed at school. I know that her priority was Louise, but them playing off what had happened to her didn’t sit well with me at all. When I’d asked him why they hadn’t taken their daughter’s back and pressed charges, he’d explained that he’d received a letter from the father of one of the girls that had stabbed her. He was the District Attorney and had basically told Finn that if he reported it that he’d make sure that Finn lost his home and his job. Because of the medical bills, they’d been behind on their mortgage at the time, so he had to make a decision - make his family homeless or keep a roof over their heads and keep a close eye on Ebru. He chose the latter. Apparently, Enya had spent her days in her car in front of the school and even did sporadic walkthroughs to check on Ebru.
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