by Tijan
“It’s like I finally escaped from an abusive relationship or something.”
“What?”
I was such a fool.
“He took everything from me.” I was speaking to Nate, but I also wasn’t at the same time. I was realizing it as I was saying it. “I have a mother, and he made me feel like she wasn’t worthy. He got in my head and turned me against everyone.”
Holy shit.
He did.
He did all of that.
“He made everyone bad. He made everyone evil. I couldn’t trust anyone, but I couldn’t trust him either.”
I’d lost so much.
“Valerie should be sitting here, not me.” But she wasn’t. She went to Nico. I focused on Nate. “Why didn’t you guys have more of a relationship? You didn’t claim her.”
He sat back in his seat, blinking a few times. “I didn’t love Valerie.” His words came out low but calm. He’d considered this before. He already knew.
“You were stupid. She was an amazing person.” She was everything I wasn’t. I looked away and hugged my knees harder to my chest. “She was so pretty, and her laugh. When she thought something was funny, everyone did. Calihan’s like me. She has an edge to her, but she’s softer, too. I was always so rigid. No one liked me. I didn’t even like me, but not Valerie. Everyone loved her. They adored her. Calihan,” I had to laugh. “Calihan was popular, like Graham. She was nice, but she could also be one of the mean girls. But not against me. I could fillet her with a look, and she always ran.”
Not anymore, though.
I didn’t have that in me.
I moved my head, pressing my forehead more fully into the side of my knee. “I feel so weak now. All my defenses are down. You did that to me.”
“Me?”
I nodded. “Because you’re kind, and letting me stay here, and protecting me. You’re fighting for me, and yes, I know a part of it is because you’re really trying to go after my father, but you’re standing on the line, and I’m behind you. You are shielding me from the evils that await me.”
It felt weird. Vulnerable.
I felt raw.
“Don’t you see, I was going to fight you and raise her in that house…with him.” I could taste my own terror. It was condemning. “How could I have done that? That would’ve been… He’s emotionally abusive. He’s not ever overt with anything. He doesn’t do anything out in the open, but it’s all in the head. The mental abuse. That’s the worst. You question yourself, but he’s in there. He’s controlling you. And you can’t break free, but then at moments, you get clarity, and you’re horrified at what you used to be living in. If I hadn’t signed that paper, you would’ve been right in doing anything in your power to take Nova away from me. She cannot go with him. Ever.”
What I would do to protect her… I should’ve had shivers thinking how far I’d go. I didn’t.
“Thank you,” I added, softly.
Nate still seemed torn, not knowing what to say to me.
He raked a hand over his face. “I have to admit, this is not how I thought this talk was going to go down.” His hands went to his armrests. He pushed up. “Want a drink? I’ve been tense, thinking about how to tell you this, and now I need a drink.”
I tipped my head back. “I’m good.”
He looked down at me, smiling back. “Water?”
“No, thank you. I’m good. I’ll keep you company, though.”
He went inside, and I remained, knowing this felt good.
This. Being here.
I felt like I finally had a home, and I now realized I never had one before.
And yeah. I was tired.
I rested my head down, a yawn leaving me. I was going to close my eyes, just for a bit.
Just until Nate came back…
* * *
I was being carried through the house.
It was the best feeling ever.
That was new to me, too.
35
Nate
The next few months went by fast.
And not a good fast. A grinding tension-filled type of fast. The bad kind of fast.
I let Logan know that Quincey was up to speed on everything, and there were meetings. There were lots and lots of meetings.
Interviews.
Every member of her family was interviewed.
Quincey herself underwent a voluntary psychological assessment, and Logan wasn’t fucking around. He got the top officials to come in for this, and just in case one opinion wasn’t enough, he had two to back it up. As he explained one time that they needed to walk into that meeting with so much against Duke Royas that everything would get tossed out in the first attempt.
He used legal jargon, but I wasn’t following. I just wanted to know our chances of getting everything thrown out. Logan responded, “We’re not going to just win. I’m hoping to do a rain dance on his ass.”
“That’s good?”
He only grunted. “Stop doubting me. I kick ass, and you know it.”
The result, we won. Kinda.
Social services needed to check out the house, do a walk-through, and it would be fine. A caseworker needed to sign off on us as well, and it was just a formality so Royas’ lawyers couldn’t come back later and claim anyone had been negligent.
It was after our last meeting as the caseworker was leaving when Quincey asked, “That’s it?”
Logan glanced over, chuckling. “That’s it.” He’d been flying back and forth the whole time. I didn’t like the reason he was here, but I enjoyed being able to see him on a regular basis again. I missed being in Boston with them all.
“We can travel with Nova? There are no restrictions on that?”
“Nope. You’re in the clear. You are Nova’s father, legit. Duke can’t come after you anymore. She’s yours.” His eyes went to Quincey. He shifted back to me, narrowing when he saw my face. “You’re thinking of visiting, aren’t you? You miss us.”
I shot him a smirk. “I think you’re the one missing me. You keep flying out here. You won’t stay away.”
I expected a smart comment back, but Logan laughed. “I do miss you. It’s not the same. I also miss being on the West Coast, too. There’s just something about this side of the world. You know?”
I did. “Mason’s team is there.”
Logan frowned at me. “I know.”
He was confused.
Hell. So was I. Why had I said that?
Quincey was giving us both a tentative and nervous smile. “I—actually—need to head in for rehearsals. Are you…” She trailed off. “You know, never mind. I’ll be back tonight.”
Logan watched her go. She was heading back in to say goodbye to Nova. Emily was here today, and then she’d head to the city.
“During all of this, she started dancing again?”
I nodded. “Yeah. She explained that it’s a new type of production. She seemed excited about it, but with her dad, we’ve not been fully focused on that. You know?”
“Dierek did sign her?”
“He did.”
Logan was still staring in the direction she’d gone before turning speculative eyes my way. “You want to fuck her, don’t you?”
“Jesus, Logan. Tact.”
I wanted to fuck her, but I wasn’t going to talk about it. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to think about it. But fuck, yeah. I wanted to pound inside of her and I wanted to do it hard. Goddamn. I wanted to do it long, and then do it again, and again. I wanted to keep going until both our legs gave out, and then I wanted to thrust back inside of her one more time.
Fuck, though. Fuck.
He looked around. “No one else is here. Are you going to fuck her?”
“She’s Nova’s mom, or the one most likely to fill that role.”
“If you’re not going to fuck her, what are you going to do when you fuck someone else?”
“Would you shut up.” It wasn’t a request.
He wasn’t fazed. “That’s an issue. If you d
o fuck her, and you don’t want to keep fucking her, she’s a chick. That’s going to be a problem.”
“She’s not like normal chicks.”
“Your situation isn’t normal. You didn’t think that through when you offered to bring her in here.”
I hadn’t, but I wasn’t in any hurry to kick her out.
Not that it would ever get to that place.
I glared at him. “We just tackled one issue. I don’t need you creating another one.”
“I’m not creating it. It’s there. I’m pointing it out, and I’d not only be a bad best friend, but a bad SBCer, and a bad lawyer if I didn’t point it out to you. You think you could love her?”
“Logan!”
I was getting a headache. A giant fucking one. It was named Logan Kade.
He kept on, nonplussed, “You don’t love anyone, not like that.” A beat. He seemed to consider it. “You love your sister. You love me. You love Mason. I think that’s it. You’re fond of the soccer kid.”
I had to grin at that. The soccer “kid” would have something to say about being called a “kid.”
But… Logan was right.
There was something wrong with me. There’d always been something wrong with me.
“She told me that I should’ve been with Valerie.”
His eyebrows went up. “What? She did?”
I nodded. “It was the night of the surprise baby shower from you guys. I sat her down to tell her about Duke, and she knew it. None of it fazed her, and she said all that about her sister.”
He whistled under his breath. “Is it true? Should you have been with the sister?”
I considered it, considered Valerie.
I’d already gone down that road.
I shook my head. “No. Valerie was nice, and I did like her. I cared about her, but something was missing. I don’t know. She wasn’t the one for me, so I never made a move for more. We were simply good doing what we were doing.” I considered him. “You think I messed up? Not going for Valerie?”
“I mean.” He winced. “That’s hard for me to answer. Only you know, but I do think you have a future problem on your hands if you hook up with Quincey and it goes bad. You guys are acting like you’re a married couple, both Mom and Dad to Nova. I love your kid, but boundaries at some point will need to be decided.”
“She just escaped a bad situation.”
“I know.” He held his hands up. “I totally get that. I’m only saying, think for yourself in this situation. You know?”
I grunted. I knew what he was talking about.
“So, she’s dancing?”
“Yeah.” A wave of pride rose through me. “She dances a lot every day anyway, but she told me not long after that night that she had a part in a show coming up. Between rehearsing and everything with Duke, it’s like she’s a ghost. When she’s home, she’s with Nova. When she’s not with Nova, she’s gone.”
“That’s discipline.”
I nodded, agreeing.
“Okay.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “We celebrating tonight? I fly out tomorrow.”
I smiled at him, just smiling.
“What?”
“Emily is leaving in an hour.”
His mouth pursed together. “That means…?”
“Welcome to the life of being a parent. We ain’t going anywhere unless I can bring my daughter.”
“Right.” He took a deep breath. “Nova’s like the opposite of Mason’s kids. She’s, like, perfect. Not loud. Or hardly ever loud. Mason’s kids are hellions.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You surprised about that?”
“I’m just saying. Valerie must’ve been super nice because you were a massive dick when we were kids.”
I glared. “We’re toilet training. Guess what shift you just signed up for?”
36
Quincey
Screams ripped through the room, and I was out of bed and sprinting before I opened my eyes.
That was Nova.
Nova needed me.
I burst through the door but drew up short. Nate was already there, and he was picking her up. Cradling her to his chest, he glanced at me over his shoulder. “I don’t know what’s wrong.”
I rushed to him, and I couldn’t stop myself. I took her from him. Probably not the right thing to do, but I needed to hold her. I needed her.
Her little body trembled in my arms, and tears ran down her face. She was pale, and a blood-curdling scream was coming from her.
I’d read everything on infants.
What was I forgetting? What could this be?
I checked her forehead. She didn’t feel like she had a temperature.
Nate checked her diaper. She was still dry.
He stepped back, his eyes wide and panicked. His hair was sticking up all over, and he’d come straight from his bed. No shirt. Only boxer briefs.
Another scream left her, and I cursed. I was the one trembling more now. “Car.”
“What?”
“ER.” I was starting for the garage, even as I spoke. I wasn’t taking a chance. When there was something seriously wrong with kids, they declined fast and fierce. I. Wasn’t. Taking. A. Chance.
Nate was coming behind me. “We could call Emily?”
“No.”
“My parents?”
“No.”
“Your mom!” He took my elbow, holding me back. “Stop.”
I turned on him, almost hissing. My heart was pounding so hard. “I lost Valerie. I’m not losing Nova!”
He drew back, his face closing up. Then he nodded. “Hold on. I will drive, but we both need clothes.”
“Grab blankets.”
I heard him cursing, then he was running behind me.
I grabbed my phone and purse, and I was crying as I put her in her car seat. I was in the seat next to her, trying to comfort her, and I was fumbling on my phone. I wasn’t totally beyond being rational. My mom would be a good person to call, but we were still going to the ER.
Nate had pulled on sweats and a hoodie. He had a bag with him, and I glimpsed him holding some of my clothes, then he was getting in his seat.
My mom answered at that moment, her voice drowsy. “Quincey?”
I put her on speaker. “She won’t stop screaming. What’s wrong with her?”
“Dear.”
I heard a male voice on her end, then she said, “It’s Quincey. Nova’s screaming.”
She came back, sounding calmer. “Quincey, honey. Did you check her temperature?”
“Her forehead seemed fine, but—” As I spoke, Nate reached into the bag on the passenger seat and handed me a thermometer. I took it, and added, “I’m taking it now.” I moved Nova’s arm aside and put it in her armpit. She was wiggling around, still crying, but some of the screams had lessened. I waited for the beep. “97.”
“Okay. That’s in the normal range.”
I was looking her over. “There’s no rash on her. She’s not coughing. No mucus.”
Dear God. What was wrong with her?
I felt tears but pushed them away. Not the time.
I was so scared.
“Hey.”
I looked up. Nate was watching me in the rearview mirror. “It’s probably just ear pain. I had this when I was a kid, too. My parents told me stories of how I’d scream because my ears were hurting.”
“Oh, yes. It could be that. A doctor would need to look,” came from the phone before Stephanie laughed. “Valerie was always so sensitive, too. The slightest thing, and she’d be screaming her head off.”
They were both trying to help, but it wasn’t helping.
I needed to hear she was okay out of the doctor’s mouth.
I needed to see her quiet and sleeping peacefully.
Nothing else would do it, but I didn’t say that to either of them.
“Quincey, dear. Why don’t you sing to her? Distract her.”
A pain went through my chest. “I’m not the singer. That was Valerie.”
Nate pushed in a CD, and “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” came through the speakers.
Nova stopped screaming almost immediately. Her eyes got big, still watering, and she listened for a beat. I saw the next scream coming. Her eyes closed. Her face turned red, and the throat gods opened the way again.
I leaned over her and started singing with the music.
She stopped again, looking at me.
It lasted a beat.
“Nate!” I said.
Nate began singing with me, and my mom’s voice came over the phone. I was waving the device in front of Nova, and she tried grabbing for it. A slight squeal left her, then a hiccup. She got red again. Another scream was coming.
I started bobbing my head to the music.
She was distracted again.
I moved my hands around, the phone with me.
It was working. I needed something new every three seconds, but the screams were stopping.
She took in a deep breath, giant tears hanging from her eyelashes.
She looked so tired, and I could see the pain in her eyes.
My heart felt like it was ripping out of my chest.
We pulled up to the hospital. “We’re here, Mom.”
“Okay. Let me know when you know.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
I hung up before she could respond.
“Hey, hey. Wait.”
I’d been reaching for Nova’s seat belt when Nate handed me clothes from the bag he brought. He pushed them into my hands. “I’m dressed. I’ll get her out. You dress. We’ll hand off. You go in, and I’ll park the car.”
Right. That made sense.
I took the clothes, not caring one iota what he grabbed me. I was blind in looking at the clothes, just identifying what they were and pulling them on.
I’d forgotten shoes.
He was outside Nova’s door now and lifting her from the seat. He saw my feet and nodded to the front. “I grabbed a pair for you.”
I was so grateful but so panicked at the same time. I reached forward, grabbing a pair of yoga shoes that I kept by the door, and slipped them on.
