by Tijan
I smiled. “You called me Q.”
Q!
I loved it.
I whispered, “Keep calling me Q, and you can do that any time you want.”
He nodded, his mouth falling and he was tasting my throat. “Jesus. I think I’m addicted to your body.”
A full-body shiver wracked through me.
“You’re not alone.”
I was running my hand over his shoulders, his arms, his stomach, his muscles, and I then I dipped down and found him. My hand wrapped around him, and he closed his eyes, falling back as I showed him how much I enjoyed how he woke me up.
It wasn’t long before I moved over, straddling him, and then we were moving all over again.
This time, I rode him. Hard.
47
Quincey
Nate went to check on Nova, and I slipped into the bathroom.
The premiere was tomorrow night, and the nerves were starting. They were mingling with the after-daze of what Nate and I just did, but they were there. They were starting to prickle and tingle, and I smoothed a hand over my stomach, trying to push them out of me. It was an imagery technique. I was gathering them, sorting them out of the happiness Nate just made me feel, and once I pulled them all together, I imagined I was wrapping them up in a net, and then I was moving the net up through my stomach, up my throat, up, and out of my mouth and then I was removing them from my body. All of them. I wasn’t letting one stay inside, and it worked.
I felt better.
They’d start again, but I’d shut down my mind and do that all over again.
It’s how I handled show days. I got nervous every time. I’d just forgotten how bad the nerves could get.
“Hey.” Nate came into the bathroom, Nova in his arms.
She saw me and held her hands out. “Mama.”
I froze. My heart was in my throat.
I looked at Nate, and he was just as surprised, but a slow smile spread over his face. “She called me Dada the other week.”
“Are you serious?”
Why hadn’t he told me?
“Mama!” Nova shrieked, throwing her body toward me.
Nate had her, but he moved in closer so I could take her. I was half-dressed, and I didn’t care. Nova nuzzled into me. I was melting all over again. Resting my cheek on top of her head, I smoothed a hand down her back. Nate had changed her for the day, and she smelled so good.
Take that, nerves. I got a ‘Mama’ today.
I pressed a kiss to her head, trailing my fingers through her hair.
Nate’s smile softened, taking us both in. “I was going to ask your schedule for the day.”
I rested my cheek back against Nova’s head. She was in a cuddly mood this morning.
Everything was golden and rainbows today.
It was going to be a great day.
I told him, “We have rehearsals all day today.” I wrapped my arms tighter around Nova and began rocking back and forth.
I could’ve held her all day.
I didn’t want to go in today.
I didn’t want to let her go.
“I was thinking we could do lunch today? Could you get time off to meet with me?”
My heart skipped a beat. “You’d do that?”
But why wouldn’t he? He’d already done so much for me. The hotel. Fighting for me. Why was I surprised?
Because you’re basking in happiness, and you know it won’t last.
No! I froze, hearing my own thoughts attacking me.
Nate nodded, dipping back into the bedroom.
He came back a moment later, his clothes with him. He put them on the counter and started to strip, heading for the shower. He turned the water on, testing it before glancing back at me.
He hadn’t taken his sweats off, and I was waiting.
He doesn’t love you. He told you himself.
I tensed, but Nate caught my look. He grinned, his eyes darkening, and I forced myself to relax.
Then he said, “I want to talk to you about something.”
The mood deflated after that statement. I felt the serious undercurrents from him, and I knew. I had known.
No, no, no. I wanted to hold Nova tighter to me.
I didn’t want to lose this, any of this. Her. Him. Me. All three of us being here together.
I couldn’t, but I saw his eyes. He was serious, and he was giving me a sobering look.
A gnawing dread started to fill me.
“Yeah?” My throat was scratchy.
Nova felt my tension and started to wiggle around.
She wanted to get free, but I held her for a moment longer. I couldn’t take these moments for granted.
When she moved around like a worm, I knew my time was done, and I knelt, letting her to the floor.
She started for the shower.
I kept a hand, pulling her back.
Nate moved to block her. “But not now. I just want to reserve a time with you to talk.”
Suddenly, I didn’t want to talk.
The dread was rising, spreading. It was reactivating my nerves for tomorrow at the same time until I was a mess of bad feelings twisting like a tornado inside of me.
I felt the ground beneath me start to shake. It was going to fall out.
I knew it. I just knew it.
It’s been too good.
I bent down and swept Nova back up in my arms. I pushed that thought away. I’d literally just got rid of my negative thoughts, but I couldn’t stop the prick of ice in my stomach.
Too good for too long.
Nova started crying, grabbing for my hair, and pushing away from me at the same time.
Nothing good lasts for you.
I was thinking and trying to ignore myself at the same time.
“Since I have the show tomorrow, can we talk after?” I was trying to shut my brain off, and I glanced at Nate as I asked this.
A whole other chill went through me at his look.
Nate had gone completely still.
He told you he doesn’t love you, but he knows how you feel. It’s time. He’s going to end things.
I felt exposed.
It was a matter of time before you lost him, too.
I turned, Nova still fighting to get free. “I need to feed her.”
He nodded, not saying a word.
I left it like that, feeling…
The day started out so good. How could it turn so drastic, so quick?
Maybe it hadn’t. Maybe I was imagining all of it?
Yes. I was.
I must be.
Right?
I didn’t know, and I didn’t like that I didn’t know.
I couldn’t lose them, either of them.
That’s all I did know.
I couldn’t lose them...
48
Quincey
“He said he wanted to talk?”
I was filling Ricci in on one of my breaks. I had my Bluetooth in my ear, and she was on my phone.
Nate texted earlier, saying he needed to postpone the lunch visit. It’d been a suggestion, and I never confirmed, so I was calling Ricci because I didn’t know how I felt about it.
“Yeah.”
“What happened after that?”
“Nothing.” I was weaving through some other dancers in the hallway. “I was feeding Nova, and then Emily came, and the moment kinda passed.”
“Did something happen before that? I mean, babe, you called specifically to tell me that Nate wants to talk. Considering you are both shacked up together and sleeping together, that’s telling me there’s something significant to this ‘talk,’ and that’s why you’re calling me about it.”
I hesitated, but Ricci was right.
I was pushing out the door, stepping out into the street.
“I—I’ve been pulling away from him.”
“Pulling away? You told me that you had great sex, and then bam, this came up. You were pulling away before that?”
“Yeah,” I confe
ssed.
I’d been so stupid.
Ricci sounded confused. “Why would you do that? Are you okay?”
I hesitated again, but this was why I called her. I needed to talk it through with someone.
“I’m in love with him.”
Ricci snorted. “Duh. Who wouldn’t be in your shoes? He’s a great guy, and you’re living with him. You’re both raising Nova. If that’s not the recipe for falling in love, then I’m clueless about how the world works. But, babe. What’s wrong with falling in love with him?”
“I’m worried that he’s tired of it.”
“Great sex.”
I sighed. “I know, but I pulled away from him.”
“Yeah. Not connecting the dots here. Wait. I’m not saying this to upset you, but how you’re thinking right now, could this be because of your dad?”
“What?” I reeled on that one.
“Yeah, like your father’s programmed you to think everyone’s going to leave you or something like that? I don’t know what your dad’s said to you, but I know he used to say things to you. You’d pull away from people. I saw it over and over again, and I always knew it wasn’t healthy. Is that what’s happening here? Do you think maybe you’re sabotaging yourself?”
“No—”
But.
But…
A memory pierced me, coming at me hard and fast.
“She doesn’t really love you.”
I stared up at my dad, and I just got off the phone with Mom. “What?”
“They don’t love you.” His eyes were so cold. “You can’t believe what she says. I know your mother. She only thinks about herself. She cares about you, but she doesn’t love you. Not really. Not deep down. At least, not like the rest of her kids.”
He said it so casually, as if he were helping me in the long run.
He looked at me as if he were doing me a favor, but there’d been no remorse. Nothing. He meant what he said.
Searing pain burrowed deep in me, because it wasn’t the first time he said it. Or the second.
It’d been the thirtieth by then.
I was six.
And it still hurt.
He said it about everyone.
It happened so many times it was common practice, and… Was she right?
But no. “Ric, he doesn’t love me back.”
“What?”
“He doesn’t love me.”
People were moving around me. Someone shoved into me, dipping around.
“Move it, lady.”
“Fucking—” a guy cut me off, darting around me.
I heard them all. I felt them all, but I was locked in this phone call.
“How do you know? He might love you.”
I was a blister. I was raw and bleeding, and I was trying to pop my own sore, trying to get the healing started because I needed it.
“He told me. He doesn’t love me.”
“When?” She got quiet.
I shrugged. “Does that matter?”
“Yes! It matters. When did he tell you that? Before or after you started sleeping together?”
“When we first started.”
“Oh.”
Yes. Oh.
Oh, damn.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, oooh.
He didn’t love me while I loved him, and when he woke me up like he did this morning, I loved him even more. If this kept going, I’d keep falling. Harder. Faster.
I’d be so deep, there’d be no way out when he’d end things between us, because he would end things. There was always an end when someone didn’t love the other one.
I’d been falling hard and fast since the first time I saw him.
“Honey.” Her words were twisted in sympathy.
“I’ve been pulling away because I’m trying to protect myself. It’s not working, Ric. It’s….” It was hurting to breathe.
It was hurting to just stand here and have this conversation because once I said the words, it’d be real. Once I told someone about it, I’d have to deal with it.
I’d have to leave.
But I couldn’t.
I would never leave Nova. Not ever.
“I love him.”
A soft sigh from her. “I’m so sorry, Quince.”
Me, too.
“Are you absolutely sure that he doesn’t love you back?”
“Yes.”
I don’t love you… But I want to fuck you.
“Okay. This is what we’re going to do. You are not going to think about this anymore. Set it aside. Push it to the back of your head because you have a show tomorrow. You’re going to do your show, and you’re going to ace it, and I’m going to be there for you afterward. You can come stay here that night.”
“Ricci,” I started.
“No. Hear me out. You need a night away. A night to compose yourself. You’ll be fresh off the show. You’re going to be exhausted, have adrenaline in you, and your emotions will be all over the board.”
“He wants to talk tomorrow night.”
She got quiet again. “What do you think he wants to talk about?”
I needed to move.
I needed to keep walking, get my food, and head back to rehearsals. I was losing time, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to move forward. It was as if this phone call took precedence over everything.
“Probably what he wanted to talk about today. I think he could feel how much I loved him, and I think he’s going to end it between us.”
“No. You don’t know that.”
But I did.
I felt it.
“Are you going to tell him how you feel?”
The pit of my stomach dropped out. I was gripping my phone so hard. I whispered, feeling like a coward, “I don’t know.”
“Babe.”
“I know. I know. A part of me just wants to tell him, roll the dice and see what he says, but what if he decides this isn’t the right environment for me? For us? Then I think… just shut up and keep him as long as I can keep him? You know?”
“I don’t like that you’re thinking of this.”
“What if it’s the truth? I could lose Nova.”
“No. He would never do that.”
“Nothing’s protecting me. I can’t lose her. I can take the pain. I can pretend, lie, take the hits as long as I have her.” My eyes closed, and a tear slipped out, I told her. “She called me ‘Mama’ today.”
She gasped. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Now I was crying and smiling at the same time. I was feeling nuts and probably looking nuts.
“That’s wonderful!”
“Nate heard it. He was there.”
Oh God. Was that why he decided to end it? Because he heard her call me Mama?
No. I couldn’t believe that.
I could believe a lot, but not that. Nate wouldn’t be like that. He’d never been like that with me.
He has with others.
No. I shut those thoughts down. Nate didn’t deserve me having those thoughts about him.
He made you sign that paper. You can’t fight him for her. Are you forgetting he did that?
“I think you should just tell. Would that actually be that bad?”
“Yes!” I hissed, already feeling the rejection from him, already seeing the rejection from him. “The only good scenario that comes out of this is if he feels the same, and he’s told me he doesn’t. I can’t keep deluding myself. No good will come out of me telling him my feelings. None.”
I needed to keep him to keep Nova, and that meant I needed to handle myself.
I used to hate him.
We’d been enemies at first.
I could do that. Hate him, fuck him, and still love Nova. Still have Nova.
I could do that. I would do that.
It was the only way.
I needed to hate Nate Monson again.
It was the best idea ever.
I turned, feeling energized because it was the best way I could stay
.
I could stay with Nova.
I could stay with Nate.
And I wouldn’t get hurt.
“I do—”
I wasn’t looking.
I had forgotten where I was.
I thought I was in the middle of the sidewalk.
I wasn’t.
I was on the edge, and I stepped out, forgetting…
* * *
“Hey, lady!”
* * *
A blaring horn.
Screeching brakes.
Someone was screaming.
* * *
I’d forgotten where I was.
Then everything went black.
49
Quincey
The beeping woke me up.
Then the pain.
There was so much pain.
It hurt. Everything hurt.
“She’s awake.”
That—what?
A rustling sound.
“Miss Royas? I’m Dr. Cass. How are you feeling? How’s your pain tolerance?”
I didn’t—what?
I opened my eyes.
The light was blinding, and I cried out, trying to roll over.
I couldn’t.
I wanted to get away from that light.
“Miss Royas.”
That same voice, but it hadn’t been the one saying I was awake.
I didn’t want that one there.
I knew who that one was, and he shouldn’t have been allowed in my room.
Right?
My room?
I looked around.
The guy said he was a doctor.
The beeping.
I was in a hospital room.
What happened?
I tried to think…
Thinking hurt.
I had a headache.
Why did my head hurt so bad?
“Miss Royas, we’ve been checking your vitals, and you’re doing so much better…”
He droned on, and I stopped listening.
I didn’t know who he was.
I didn’t know what he was saying.
I was trying to remember—it happened in a flash.
I was flooded with memories.
Nate.
