And when he groaned, pulled me even closer and crushed his lips against mine, those weak and traitorous feelings not only allowed it, they gloried in it. Because despite every barrier between us, despite everything, Jon had chosen me. And my heart wanted to burst from the joy.
Part III
Sacrifice
Chapter 26
When Jon and I broke apart, it was sudden. Both of us falling back and panting, staring at each other with wide eyes. Every nerve in my body tried to pull me back toward him, but I resisted. Now that the first heady moments had passed, I remembered that I wasn’t free to follow my heart.
“What are you doing?” I whispered. “I’m leading the Tourney, and you just threw away what might be your only chance to save your sisters.” I hated the words even as they came out of my mouth.
He ran a hand through his hair. “I know.” And then softer. “I know.” He stepped closer, and I took a trembling step back. But he stepped closer again, reaching for me. I pulled away, but his eyes pleaded so desperately and eloquently that I stopped fighting myself and melted forward into his arms. He wrapped them tight around me and gave a deep sigh.
“I’ve been asking myself for the last two weeks if I could do it. If I could force myself to marry her for the sake of my sisters. And sometimes I almost convinced myself I could. And then I would see you again, and the illusion would be swept away.
“My whole life I have been nothing but responsible. And now, despite all my efforts, my duchy is about to be destroyed. I’ve tried and tried, and I cannot think of a way to save it. I told myself I could save the girls, at least. But I cannot marry Corinna. Not now that you’re here. And for once I want to stop thinking about everyone else. I want to be selfish and think about just one person. You.”
I laughed shakily. “You might need to take another look at the definition of selfish. I think you’re doing it wrong.”
He chuckled softly at my humor, and I immediately felt guilty for giving him hope. This time I did pull away, and his arms dropped to his sides, his face falling.
“It doesn’t matter what either of us does, it doesn’t change the Tourney,” I said. “We are all of us bound by it.”
He frowned and moved toward me again. I gave him a warning look, and he fell back with a sigh. “There are still five events to go. That’s plenty of time for the scores to change. You might fall and break your ankle like Celine.”
I wanted to shake my head at the sort of twisted situation that would make that a loving statement. A bigger part of me wanted to ask him who he hoped would win in my stead. Sophie? Hazel? But I refrained from any of it.
“Even if I don’t win the Tourney, there’s still the crisis in Marin.” I took a deep breath. “My parents would never let me make a marriage alliance with the duchy in its current state.”
A look of intense pain and shame crossed his face.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wishing there were something else I could say. But I had nothing.
A long silence stretched between us, broken eventually by a distant voice calling my name. We both stirred as if awakening from a dream. I started to turn toward the sound, but Jon stopped me, gripping my shoulders and leaning toward me.
“I won’t leave it at that. I can’t.” He pressed a fast kiss down onto my lips, and then disappeared around a hedge.
“Lily?” Helena appeared from the other direction, looking at me with confusion. “What’s going on? What are you doing out here?” She looked around as if expecting other people to come bursting from the flower beds.
I still stood in the same spot, my fingers pressed to my lips, trying to hold onto the warmth of his kiss, knowing that, despite his words, it had to be the last one. For both our sakes. We couldn’t torment ourselves like this.
“Lily? Lily, are you all right?” Helena laid a concerned hand on my arm, and I shook myself.
“Yes, oh, yes. I’m sorry, I was just daydreaming. I took a walk and got distracted by the beautiful flowers.” I gestured weakly at the garden.
Helena relaxed, although suspicion still lurked in her eyes. “It is beautiful, isn’t it? I’m sorry to pull you away, but I have some Trionians I want to introduce you to.”
“Oh, of course.” My feet followed behind her without conscious thought. I seemed to be floating through water, every movement meeting resistance, all sounds distant and muted. I must have said the right things, but I remembered none of it.
And when the event was over, I had to remind myself that Sophie, sick in bed, knew nothing of what had happened. My whole world had just shifted, and I couldn’t tell my twin. It felt like another loss. When Celine fell asleep that night, I cried soundlessly into my pillow for half the night.
And yet, despite everything, life went on. Now that I had pulled ahead in the Tourney, I abandoned the library. I had given up hope of finding a solution for Marin there, and with Sophie in bed sick, I hated the constant solitude.
The doctors had finally given Celine permission to move around a bit more, and she had insisted on an excursion into the gardens. “I miss the gardens at home,” she told me, and I realized flowers to Celine were like books to Sophie. A taste of home.
All the girls except for the Eldonians had been regularly visiting Celine in her suite to keep her company, and everyone shared the excitement at her release. As we all rushed around, ensuring every tiny detail had been considered, I realized it was the first time we had all been together without fear or tension hanging over us.
And I found I enjoyed it. Even Celine, despite her constant eye rolls and commands for us to get on with it, appeared to be appreciating the cheerful chaos. Perhaps it reminded her of growing up surrounded by her many siblings.
“Where’s her shawl? There might be a breeze, and I can’t find it anywhere,” said Marigold, upending the room in her search for the missing article.
“Stop! You’re destroying the room,” said Hazel, asserting the superiority that came with being one year older than her younger sister. Except Marigold appeared not to recognize her sister’s authority, and a squabble threatened to break out until Millie intervened.
Blanche meanwhile had quietly made her way around the room, straightening everything that Marigold had thrown around.
Celine ignored them all, distracted by Pearl and Opal who had decided to try on her collection of hats with many accompanying giggles. Celine had no great consideration for the state of her room, but she had a significant love for her wardrobe. A love that caused her to hover nervously near the youngest members of our group.
“Don’t worry,” said Lilac, who had ignored the dispute between her two younger sisters in favor of supervising Pearl and Opal, “I won’t let them damage anything.”
I suspected her responsible attitude came from her secret desire to make her own inspection of Celine’s admittedly impressive wardrobe. I made no move to intervene anywhere, preferring to sit back and laugh at the others’ antics and Celine’s attempts to conceal her clothing-related anxieties.
At last Daisy burst into the room. “It’s ready!” she called. Everyone dropped their various discussions and activities and rushed toward the door.
“What’s ready?” Celine’s eyes narrowed into suspicious slits as she observed the chaos fall instantly into order. “What’s going on?”
“You’ll see,” I grinned at her.
We all instantly stopped our fussing and swept her out of the room, which only fed her suspicion. “I was right, you really were wasting time, the lot of you,” she said, her voice full of fake outrage. “Waiting for Daisy.”
“You’ll find out soon enough,” I said.
Daisy, who had raced ahead of us, turned as we stepped out into the garden and yelled, “Surprise!”
Several large rugs had been thrown across the closest lawn, and large cushions had been scattered liberally over them. Sophie, whose fever had finally broken but who remained weak, had already been carried down and sat in a dense pile of the pillows.
Keeping her company were Teddy, Gabe and Jon. I carefully averted my eyes from Jon, scared of what I might see in his face.
A picnic had been laid out on the rug, and Gabe, stretched out full length on his side, his elbow propped on a cushion, had already begun on a plate.
“Gabe!” Daisy seemed to visibly swell in her outrage. “What are you doing? You can’t start eating before the guest of honor arrives!”
“Can’t I?” He grinned lazily up at us all, not bothering to rise in greeting as Teddy and Jon had done. “But it’s such a lovely day, and the food looked so very delicious.”
“Humph!” Daisy plonked down and continued to glare at her hero.
He shrugged and smiled charmingly up at us. “My apologies, Celine.” He pulled a second plate from amongst the pillows. “I did, however, save you a piece of cake.”
“Save? What do you mean save?” Daisy leaped back to her feet. “Did you eat all the cake?”
“I’m sure he can’t possibly have had time to do so,” I said, soothingly, afraid she might actually explode.
“You underestimate him,” said Teddy, grinning at his sister. “Daisy knows him better.”
“What can I say? I’m a hungry man.” Gabe took a big bite from his plate and then winked at Celine and me.
“Stop it,” said Celine. “Leave poor Daisy in peace. I can see a large cake over there with sufficient slices for everyone.”
Daisy glared at him again and marched off with her nose in the air. The younger girls all followed her lead, rushing to collect their own plates, while Millie helped Celine to sit, and I collapsed down next to Sophie.
It’s good to see you up. I was worried you wouldn’t be well enough to be here.
It’s good to be up. I was so sick of that fever and that bed, I could have screamed. She tipped her head back to the sun and closed her eyes.
“I have to tease her occasionally,” Gabe was explaining to Millie. “It wouldn’t be sporting to do it to my own sisters.” He looked a little sadly in the direction of the twins, and I silently admitted he was right. Pearl and Opal lacked the necessary spunk for such an endeavor; it would just be cruel.
Millie rolled her eyes and began to assemble her own plate. Soon everyone was eating happily, the silence broken only by the occasional comment on the food. I risked a single glance toward Jon, but his eyes were fixed on me, so I quickly looked away again, flushing.
What’s going on? asked Sophie.
Nothing, I projected quickly, and she didn’t press it.
A group of servants stood nearby ready to clean up the food, laughing and talking quietly amongst themselves as they waited for us to finish. Sophie nodded her head toward them. It reminds me of the servants at our picnic on the hill. They seem to be having a good time. Remember what Alyssa told us?
I nodded but said nothing. Our sister-in-law had taken us aside before we left to give us some advice. And one of the things she had told us was to make sure to watch the servants in whatever palace we visited. “If they seem lazy and disorganised and sullen, that tells you the rulers are weak and ineffectual. But worse is if they seem silent or scared. That means the rulers are harsh and cruel. Find a palace where the servants laugh and talk as they complete their duties, where they have time off, but where everything always seems to be done. That’s the mark of a good ruler, both kind and effective. The sort of person you could trust.” She had paused, tears in her eyes. “The sort of place you could call home. The state of the servants won’t lie.”
She’d hugged us both tight, then, one in each arm, although we’d grown as tall as her. I don’t think she would have let us go at all if the baron and baroness hadn’t been with us. She trusted them to care for us just as she and my brother would have done themselves.
I had felt so hopeful when she had given us the advice, but Sophie’s reminder now merely twisted the knife that had taken up permanent residence in my heart. Yet another reminder that I had found the perfect home. A reminder of what could have been if not for the darkness consuming these lands.
“It will be nice when the summer begins, and we no longer have the Tourney hanging over us,” said Lilac, wandering over to join us. The younger girls had moved away from the rugs and were throwing a small ball back and forth between them. “Everyone will stay on for a little while at least. I hope, anyway. Then we can do things like this all the time.”
She smiled around at us all. Clearly she no longer feared winning the Tourney herself. Because, for one of our number, summer would only bring a worse fate than the competition itself.
“Except that someone will win, Lilac,” Jon reminded his sister. I could feel his eyes on me, but I kept my own trained on the ground. He at least had not forgotten.
“Oh! Yes, I didn’t mean…” her voice trailed off, and she sounded almost in tears.
I forced myself to look up and smile. “Don’t worry, Lilac, I’m quite sure it won’t be you or either of your sisters.”
“No,” said Celine, drawing out the word, her eyes drifting from Sophie to me. “I’ve had that distinct impression for some time.” She knew what we had been doing, then. Not that I was surprised. I felt sure she would have joined us in the attempt if not for her leg and her low score from that first event.
A moment of silence ensued as everyone absorbed her words, and I couldn’t resist taking a tiny peep at Jon. A growing horror crept across his face. His eyes slipped to mine, and I forced myself to smile. I mustn’t have succeeded very well, though, since he only looked more tortured.
Sophie cleared her throat and changed the topic and everyone followed her gratefully. I tried to talk and laugh as if nothing was wrong, but I didn’t know if I was fooling anyone. I didn’t look at Jon again, and soon Sophie tired and needed to be helped back inside.
He stood immediately and came over to assist us, but I clung stubbornly to my sister. I could tell he was trying to pull me aside, but I refused to give him the opportunity. I didn’t even move far enough away from Sophie for him to whisper in my ear. Only when we reached the door of the palace did I glance back to see him still standing where we had left him on the rug in the garden, staring after us.
Chapter 27
Now that Sophie was recovering and no longer infectious, I stuck to her side, trying to make up for my earlier absence, while also protecting myself from any unexpected encounters. It worked until the next ball. As soon as we stepped through the doors, Jon appeared, just as he used to do.
“Dance with me,” he said, and his voice made it clear it wasn’t a request.
Sophie nudged me forward and, in a moment of weakness, I capitulated. I knew I had made a mistake as soon as his arms encircled me. Their strength felt far too appealing, and the fire that raced through me scared me. It was already hard enough holding everything together.
“You’re planning to win, aren’t you?”
I had no reply to his hard words, not one he would accept anyway. But we had only just arrived at the ballroom, so I had no expectation of being saved by the sound of the bell. When it rang out, we both stilled, staring at each other in confusion.
“Was that for the Tourney?” I looked around. “Are we even all here?” I counted the princesses in the ballroom as they started to move slowly toward our small door, clearly all equally surprised.
Jon laughed bitterly. “Just a reminder for us all that we are none of us in control.” He released me abruptly and disappeared into the crowd.
Sophie appeared at my elbow, watching him go. “What was that?” She shook her head. “Never mind. Let’s go.”
After so many events without injury, we no longer trod in fear as we followed the now-familiar routine. Even Pearl and Opal chattered away as we walked through the groves. Of course, as the events ticked past, and everyone else grew lighter, I grew heavier. But it was a sacrifice I had chosen.
Except, when we sat down, no individual puzzles or instructions appeared on our golden plates. Only a single parchment in the middle of the t
able. The voices dropped away, as we all remembered we had now completed three puzzle events and were facing the unknown again. A shadow of our earlier dread reappeared. In an instant everything had changed, and it immediately seemed hard to understand how we had ever become comfortable in this mysterious and gloomy world.
At least now, after the three treasure hunts, it wasn’t only the Marinese princesses who knew the mirror castle well. We had all explored its nooks and crannies, as well as the three groves.
But it turned out that our new challenge required none of that knowledge. Emmeline read out the instructions. “Return across the lake. In the grove of golden leaves, you will find a marked track. You must each take it in turns to race to the end of the track. Points will be awarded based on speed. If any part of your body touches the ground outside of the track, you will be instantly disqualified.”
“A straight race? Well, that rules me out,” said Celine.
I looked around the table trying to guess who amongst the other princesses might be fast runners. Certainly neither the twins nor Marigold had anything to fear with their short legs.
The bell sounded, and we all rose silently and crossed the lake. As soon as we stepped into the golden grove, we found a new path that branched away from the regular one. It glowed as if it, too, were made of gold, although the surface still looked like dirt in texture.
It wove away between the trees and out of sight. The finish of the race track, however, could just be seen connecting with the main path again at the other end of the grove. It must swing back around, then.
We all looked at each other, wondering who should go first. Eventually Celine shrugged and stepped forward to the line. As soon as she was in position, a small chime rang out, and she hobbled away, her crutches swinging.
She had been out of sight for a couple of minutes when the same chime sounded again. Before I could ask Sophie what she thought it meant, Celine flew out onto the path and landed hard, as if shot at speed from the other end of the race track.
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