by Jenni Sloane
I dug into my salad. It was just iceberg lettuce and a few shreds of carrot. Somehow it still managed to make my stomach roil.
I heard the footsteps too late. They were approaching rapidly—I looked up to see Cole standing over me, his arm shooting out toward my tray.
I reacted without thinking. My hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. My adrenaline was in overdrive, and I was on my feet and twisting his arm back so sharply that he actually yelped. He pushed against me, but I didn’t give an inch. A glance behind me confirmed that the monitor was still bent over with her tits in her mark’s face, so I hissed at Cole, “Come with me, right now.”
I dragged him out of the cafeteria, into the hall. If I was caught out here, I was dead meat, but I didn’t care. He seemed too stunned to fight at first, but then he tried to jerk away. I slammed him up against the wall, my arm across his throat. It felt even better doing this to him than it had to Ainslie.
“What the fuck are you mad at me for, TT?” The words came out strangled, but there was no mistaking the anger behind them. “I’m not the psychopath who drugged someone.”
“Did you put Mason in prison?” I demanded.
His eyes widened slightly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I ordered, pressing my arm harder against his windpipe.
“Okay,” he choked. “Jesus. Let me—fuck—let me go—”
I only eased the pressure enough for him to talk. “You framed him,” I prompted.
I expected his cruel laugh. His sneer. I expected him to gaslight me. Instead, he looked almost afraid. “TT—”
“Answer the question,” I commanded, as loudly as I dared without drawing attention.
“We can’t talk about this here,” he hissed.
“We fucking well will.”
“Mason was there. He had the gun—”
“Because he took it from your brother!”
His eyes blazed. “Who told you? Bennett?”
“It doesn’t. Fucking. Matter. Is it true?”
His furious gaze held mine for a moment. I felt his Adam’s apple moving against my arm. Then something in him seemed to collapse.
That was all I needed to see. “It’s true,” I whispered. I slowly let my arm fall.
I couldn’t begin to untangle the feelings inside me. All I could do was repeat to myself, It’s true. It’s true. He did it.
“Amma,” he said, reaching out. “It’s not what you—”
I put both hands on his shoulders and shoved with all my might. He cracked against the wall with a sharp gasp. “Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Ever. If you come near me, I swear to god, I’ll kill you. I don’t care what the consequences are.”
I turned and strode away, not even sure where I was going. I was shaking with adrenaline and rage. I’d known Cole Heller was a monster. But even I’d underestimated how awful he was. I felt so stupid.
I could barely see through my tears, but I didn’t hear him following me, so that was something. Maybe he could grant me that modicum of respect.
I wanted to shower. I wanted to scrub my body until my skin came off. Erase all traces of his touch. I couldn’t believe I’d given my virginity to him. That I’d called his name when I came. I really didn’t have a shred of self-respect, did I? Bennett was right. Why did it only matter when the victim was Mason? Why was I such a pathetic, quivering mess that I’d turned to jelly in the arms of a man who’d treated me like shit?
I turned a corner and nearly walked into two figures—one tall and hulking, one shorter and slight. I jumped, too disoriented to do more than cry out in surprise. The tears that had been welling cascaded down my cheeks, and I started to shake even harder. I could see a staircase behind the figures. If I could just reach it…
“Hey,” said a familiar, gravelly voice. “Amma…”
Ian and Archer. Shit.
I lashed out, trying to push past them. I just wanted to get back to my tiny room. At least I’d be safe there.
Ian’s arms encircled me, pulling me down onto the steps with him. I fought with all my might. But I was exhausted after my confrontation with Cole, and no matter how I twisted and spat, I couldn’t get free.
I was aware of Archer’s deep voice speaking, and that made me stop for a moment. I realized Ian’s embrace wasn’t intended to be restrictive, but rather, comforting. He was whispering, “Shhhh…shhhh,” in my ear. “It’s okay, Amma,” he murmured. “It’s going to be all right.”
With a half-moan, half-whimper, I went limp against him. I sobbed until my lungs burned. And he just held me.
I knew how this ended.
I’d cried in Bennett’s arms not so long ago, foolishly taking comfort in his embrace. And look how that had turned out.
I quieted, trying to gather the strength to pull away.
“It’s okay,” Ian repeated, stroking my hair.
“Why are you being nice to me?” I croaked.
“Amma. I want to help.”
I attempted a strangled laugh. “No you don’t. Don’t you know what I did to Cole and Bennett? What I was going to do to you?”
He stiffened slightly, but only for a second. “Yeah. I heard.” He paused. “I think it’s badass.”
I pulled back just enough to look at him. I knew my face was a mess, my eyes swollen and wet, but I needed to see him. “How can you think that?”
He shrugged. “We were dicks to you. You found a way to set us straight.”
I half laughed, half sobbed. “Yeah, it went so well.”
His arm slid around my shoulders. He smelled so good, and his body, for all its hard angles, was warm and inviting. “If the others would even think of walking away, they’re even stupider than I thought.”
I realized with a start that he didn’t know what Cole had done to Mason. “I don’t want them. Either of them,” I said coldly, hearing the lie in my own voice.
“Well…” He trailed off. I heard Archer tactfully move down the hall, away from us. Ian’s fingers gently combed the soggy hair back from my face. I had a strange urge to arch my back. To give in to the pleasure that wanted to build in me at his touch. “I know you might not…want this, right now. But I’m here. Okay? Just so you know.”
I shuddered involuntarily at the words. At the echo of Bennett: “I’m fucking here.”
Ian hushed me again and pulled me close. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You only care about my voice,” I whispered.
“No.” I could feel him shaking his head. “I care about a lot more than that.”
He tucked my head under his chin, and we were silent for a long moment. Then he said, voice low, “If you had some of that truth serum reserved for me…was it just because I was an asshole? Or because you actually wanted to know how I felt?”
I closed my eyes tightly. “Both.”
He hugged me tighter. “I’ve dreamed of doing this,” he murmured into my hair.
“Getting my snot all over you?” I tried to laugh.
“No. Holding you.”
I hated how those words sent pinpricks of delight over my skin. I hated how much I wanted to believe him. But if my bullies had taught me one thing, it was that trust was a bad, bad idea. Here, it was every person for themselves. I couldn’t afford to believe him. Couldn’t afford to want him.
What I needed to do was walk out of this school and into a life of my own making.
What I did was pull back and look at him once more.
I told myself it was just so I would remember the striking blue-green of his eyes. That I wanted one more chance to fantasize about the metallic taste of his lip rings, one more chance to trace my gaze up the tattoos along his neck.
Suddenly my chin tilted up, and he was waiting for me.
His lips met mine, the pressure firm but gentle, the three rings pushing into the corner of my mouth. And then, with a grunt, he seemed to lose control, crushing his mouth against mine, kissing me like he m
ight never get another chance as long as he lived.
Need surged up my spine. My hands stroked through his hair and then linked behind his head. I pulled him harder against me, crawling up so I was straddling his lap. He leaned back against the steps, bringing me with him. It wasn’t comfortable, not by a long shot. But I couldn’t have cared less. I squeezed his sides between my thighs, kissing him harder. He ran his hands down my back, cupping my ass and squeezing. He tasted so good.
The need grew until the area between my legs clenched, until it felt like fire was raining down on my skin. Fuck the rules. Fuck good decisions. Fuck Callahan, and Cole, and my parents. Fuck everyone and everything that wasn’t this.
This one good moment in the nightmare my life had become.
This moment I could have lost myself in forever.
If I hadn’t heard footsteps.
“I have to go.” I pulled myself to my feet, frantically, adjusting my sweater and skirt. “If they find me wandering the halls…”
“Okay,” Ian panted. “Okay, but can I see you again?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Yes. I’ll—I’ll find a way.”
Fuck good decisions.
He caught my hand briefly and squeezed. I squeezed back. Then I hurried up the stairs.
That night, I lay in bed hating myself.
There was no reason for me to stay here.
No reason for me to go home to parents who despised me.
I’d told Ian I’d see him again, but what was the point of that? I’d already lost too much. I’d kissed him in a moment of desperation and vulnerability. Why give myself any more fully to him, when I knew it wouldn’t last?
It would only make it harder to do what I knew I had to do.
I dressed in jeans and a dark sweatshirt, then grabbed my ratty suitcase from the corner of the room and opened the drawers under the bed. I packed all of my stuff in record time, then took a deep breath. I was calling Strathmore’s bluff. I was ready to strike out on my own.
I went to the door and listened. I didn’t hear anyone in the hall outside, so I cautiously pushed the door open. It looked clear.
I hurried down the corridor, cursing as my suitcase creaked.
It was Thursday. And the night monitor on Thursdays was Gaines. So he’d probably be drunk and asleep.
Except when I reached the main hall, it was Ms. Myrna on duty, not Gaines. And she was very much awake.
I needed a distraction, fast. I ducked into the alcove by the stairs and opened my suitcase. I took out the bouquet brooch Cole had given me. I held it in my hand for a moment. Closed my eyes briefly. Then tossed it as far as I could into the hallway that ran perpendicular to the main corridor.
It hit a line of lockers with a clang. I heard Myrna’s footsteps start toward the sound. I made my move, springing out of the alcove and hurrying down the main hall to back entrance. I undid the latch and let myself out, refusing to look back.
I rushed across the courtyard, toward that section of iron fencing that lay in darkness. I had to hope I was better at climbing fences than Cole.
I reached the fence and shoved my suitcase over the top and into the foliage on the other side. I tested the bottom rail to see how it worked as a toehold, and was about to start climbing when a voice spoke from the darkness.
“Well, this is a surprise.”
I jumped, slipping from the fence and staggering back across the grass. “Cole?” I asked, straightening.
“The one and only.” I saw him moving in the shadows. Saw the gleam of his eyes.
“Are you following me?” I demanded.
“Don’t flatter yourself.” He sounded exhausted.
As my eyes adjusted to the moonlight, I could make out his features better. He had his palms out as he stepped toward me. “I know you said never to come near you again. But it’s not like I knew you’d be here.”
Do not engage, do not engage, my mind screamed. “What are you doing here?” I asked in spite of myself.
“Didn’t feel like being cooped up tonight. I came out here so I could breathe.” He looked me up and down. “You making your escape?”
I glanced at the fence. “I…yes.”
He nodded. “Good move, TT. Wish I had your guts.”
I bristled. “Don’t call me that.”
“Sorry.” There was a note of desperation coloring his hollow tone.
“Go back to ‘breathing,’” I snapped. “Leave me alone.”
“Would you talk to me?” His voice snapped across the silence of the yard.
Panicked, I hissed, “Shhh! What are you doing?” I started climbing again.
“Amma, wait.” My name in that rough, low tone. The heat in my veins, the pull in my chest. I froze.
“I know you hate me. And I get why.”
“Hate is an understatement,” I said, letting go of the bars and turning to face him.
“I was wrong to do what I did. And there’s probably nothing I could do in this lifetime to make it up to you.” He took another step toward me, then seemed to stop himself. “I wish I hadn’t done it. But Amma, you don’t know my stepdad. There were times when he’d go after my brothers, and I’d get between them. I’d fight him. I’d fucking fight him, until one of us was unconscious. Because I knew he’d beat Nathan and Graham to death if he got the chance.”
I tried to imagine a life like that. My parents, verbally cruel as they were, at least weren’t violent. What would it be like to have to put your own life on the line over and over again to protect your siblings?
“I wasn’t the one who made the call. I swear to you. I— My stepdad found out what had happened at the convenience store. I was ready to do anything to keep him away from Nathan. I literally had my baseball bat ready, Amma. I would have killed him if I’d had to. But he just asked me about the guy who’d confronted Nate. I knew who Mason was. Knew he had a record. When Nate told me Mason had tried to stop him, I just…”
I shook my head furiously. I didn’t particularly want to hear about how the fact that my brother was from the wrong side of the tracks made it okay to railroad him.
He hurried on, “Reed called the police chief. I let it happen, I know, but—”
“Then why did Bennett say you showed up at his house begging him to get his family to back up your story?” I whispered fiercely.
Even through the shadows, I could see his expression darken. “And you believe him?”
“I have no idea who to believe,” I snapped.
“He’s not telling you the whole truth, Amma. He doesn’t know the whole truth.”
“I don’t care about your little feud with Bennett! I care about what you did to my brother.”
“I didn’t know back then that I’d meet you one day. That I’d feel this way about you.”
“So that makes it okay?” I asked incredulously. “My brother went to prison for trying to stop Nathan from robbing a store at gunpoint. And you say that if you’d known at the time that I was a good lay, you might have done the right thing? You disgust me.” I turned away.
He grabbed my arm, spinning me back to him. “What would you have done?”
I jerked my arm out of his grasp. “Not what you did.”
He reached for me again, the gesture more desperate than aggressive this time. I drew back my fist.
We froze like that. I could hear my own harsh breathing, amplified by the stillness of the night. He put his palms up again. “Amma…”
I slowly lowered my arm. I felt shocked and exhilarated. I would have done it, I realized. If he’d tried to touch me, I’d have decked him. And it would have felt good, the way it had felt good to hit Archer.
The pit of my stomach suddenly felt like I’d shoveled hot coals onto it. Was it true? That I would never do what he’d done?
I wanted to believe I’d never stoop to Cole’s level. But I’d drugged him. I’d nearly punched him, just now. What would I do, if I were under unbearable pressure? Throw a stranger to the wolves
to save someone I loved?
“I don’t know what to do,” he said flatly.
“About what?” I ground out.
“I never wanted to feel this way!” He sounded angry. “You’ve…you’ve fucked with my head!”
“Sorry I’m such an inconvenience!” It was hard not to shout. My own head was spinning. I was fenced in by memories. Cole’s touch. Ian’s arms around me. Bennett’s cold eyes boring into mine. Even Archer’s unreliable kindnesses…they all forged their way into the tangle of emotion in my heart.
Cole sensed my sudden weakness. Just like he’d always been able to do. He closed the distance between us, sliding his hands through my hair, tipping my head roughly back. Sparks ignited throughout my body as I inhaled his scent, saw the blaze in his eyes that meant he couldn’t make up his mind whether he loved or hated me. I did that to him. Stripped him of some measure of his power. Invaded his senses the same way he laid claim to mine. I watched the need in his gaze burst through the fire to lock and hold my own gaze. He gripped my jaw hard enough to bruise, even as his thumbs passed tenderly over my temples. “What you do to me,” he growled. “I could kill you for it.”
In that moment, I probably would have let him.
I didn’t resist when he pressed his mouth to mine in a bruising kiss. I just grabbed what I could of his short hair and twisted it, making him growl again into my mouth.
Maybe this was who I was. A girl with darkness in her soul. Who loved a man whose cruelty still bound her to this place, this prison, like chains. Whose loyalty to her brother was a breakable thing, smashed to bits by her wanton need.
He pulled away for a moment. I almost couldn’t bear it. “You never quit,” he whispered, stroking my hair. “You never break.”
Finally, I felt it too. The strength that lived within me, that had gotten me through this semester. That had stood against the tide of Cole’s anger until that tide ebbed and left behind a confused and beautiful man. A man of surprising loyalty and sensitivity.
