by JT Pearson
“What did you do to your mouth?” a red haired girl asked Maynard, snottily.
“It’s purple passion,” Maynard answered sheepishly.
“Oh sure, of course that’s what it is,” said the red head, sarcastically, and all of the girls laughed. The president waited until Maynard wasn’t looking and then he pointed to his temple and circled his finger around while he stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth.
The whistle sounded, signaling the women that it was time for them to get back to work.
“See you around,” the red head said to the president.
“Yeah, see you guys around,” said Maynard.
“I wasn’t talking to you,” said the red head, and the girls walked away.
As the two watched the women move into the distance, Maynard slammed his fist into his palm. “I’d love to punch her right in her cute little mug.” He looked at the president. “They liked you because you’re pretty. They couldn’t stand me.”
“Come on now, Maynard. Buck up.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’ve got delicate cheek bones and a petite frame. I’ve got a mongo wide ass and stubble between my eyes.”
“Maybe you could spend a little more energy developing your personality. Learn to tell a few jokes. Folks love a big gal with a good sense of humor.” He clapped Maynard on the back. “Let’s see if we can’t find the others.”
*
Cedric walked into the throne room and there was an eight year old boy sitting in the king’s throne.
“All right boy, get out of the throne right now! Do you have any idea what King Johnson would do to you if he caught you sitting in his throne?” Maynard walked up and reached for the boy’s wrist but when he leaned in and reached for it the boy slapped him across the face. “Ouch! You’re going to get it good, you little snot!” Cedric leaned forward to grab him and the boy slapped Cedric again. “Ouch!” Cedric rubbed his face.
“It’s me, Cedric!”
“What?”
“It’s me! I’m getting younger and younger but it’s not good anymore! Something happened when Tom Cruise got loose in the control room! That diabolical little bastard must’ve done this to me. My personal specs were in the computer in that room. He must’ve figured out how to access them somehow. I’m tiny. I’m getting younger by the hour. When is it going to end?”
“I don’t know, Your Excellency.”
“You’ve got to find Cruise before it’s too late. Bring him back to me so that we can find out what he did.”
Cedric stared at him.
“What? What are you thinking?”
“I had no idea that you were such a cute child when you were younger, Your Excellency. Your mother must’ve just adored you.”
“Cedric.”
“Yes.”
“Will you come here, please?”
Cedric moved closer. “Yes, Your Excellency?”
The king slapped him across the face again.
*
President Pierce and Secretary of Defense Maynard came upon an event that was unfolding in the public square. The president recognized Holcomb from a distance. He was rolling a barrel to a group of other barrels that were placed next to each other.
“What do you suppose he’s up to?” said the president.
“Stealing barrels, it looks like. He’s always stealing something.”
“No. What would he want with barrels?”
“There was nothing else for him to get his greedy clutches on so he’s stealing the barrels.”
“He’s not stealing them. He’s up to something.”
From the opposite side of the square the king’s guards approached with Luigi leading the way.
“Should we break it up and send everybody home, Luigi?” asked Daniel.
“Not yet. Let’s see what they’re up to. If the crowd gets disruptive we’ll step in.”
“Everyone, everyone, come gather round,” yelled Holcomb to the people in the center of town. He climbed up on the barrels that he had placed together forming a crude stage. Then he gently led Madeline up beside him, praying that his stage would hold up. He had a large banner secured to the barrels with a picture of himself and Madeline the cow surrounded by stars. He pushed a button and music poured from a little black box. People that were passing stopped and watched. “Gather round! Gather round! My fellow citizens of tiny earth, I am here to help!”
A simple looking man in his twenties with a bowl style haircut shouted out. “How can you call us fellow citizens? Aren’t you one of those people that came here from earth and got stuck here?”
“No, young man. You are mistaken. I grew up here my entire life. Just down the road from here, in fact. And now I’d like to give something back to my people.”
“No. I’m pretty sure that you’re one of the people that came here from Earth and got stranded.”
“I am not, young man, and I’ll kindly request that you stop saying it,” said Holcomb, trying to maintain his smile.
“But you’re not from here,” the man protested.
“Prove it!” Holcomb yelled back, losing his patience.
Holcomb looked to Harry Bladder who was in the crowd. Harry nodded to a large knuckled man with a shaven head. The bald man walked through the crowd and picked up the young man with the bowl shaped haircut and tucked him under his arm and walked away. The young man looked at everyone with confusion as he disappeared. After a short time the bald man returned to the crowd and looked on with the others.
“This is a great time to be a citizen of tiny earth! It is a time for change! A time to make things better!”
An older woman in the crowd spoke up. “I think things are pretty good right now.” The people around her conferred and agreed.
“They are not good! This is a planet divided! With many, many problems,” insisted Holcomb.
“Things on tiny earth are really pretty good. We eat well and we have nice homes. There aren’t any wars,” the woman explained, and smiled.
Holcomb sighed and looked to Mr. Bladder. And Mr. Bladder looked to the bald man. The bald man walked through the crowd and stopped when he reached the old woman. He picked her up and tucked her under his arm and walked away as the confused crowd watched. After a minute the bald man joined the crowd again, minus the old woman.
“For the first time, tiny earth, you are going to have a vice president that rules alongside your king and that is a great thing.”
“Why is that so great?” asked a short man with a protruding belly. Everyone watched the bald man for a minute but he remained where he stood.
“Because then you have two rulers to come up with good ideas for the people,” said Holcomb.
“Who is going to be the new king?” asked a young boy.
“I will be the new king,” answered Holcomb, “as soon as we hold an election and you people vote me into office.”
“And who will be the assistant king?” asked the boy.
“Vice president,” corrected Holcomb.
“I mean vice president,” said the boy.
Holcomb presented Madeline with his hands. “Ta da! The first citizen ruler!” She was already wearing the communication phones and they were connected to a couple of sound towers. She mooed and the speakers translated, “Yeah, Madeline! Go, Madeline!” She cheered for herself.
“But why does Madeline get to be the vice president?” asked the boy.
“What the hell is it with these people and all of the questions?” Holcomb muttered to the cow. “I never allowed people to just ask whatever questions they wanted to. It’s really getting irritating.” Holcomb took a deep breath and regained his patience. “Because she’s a cow and you’ve never had a cow in a position of power before.” Holcomb raised his arm victoriously and leaned in close to Madeline. “Go ahead everyone! Take your pictures! It’s a celebration!”
“But why should we elect a cow just because a cow has never been elected. We’ve never elected a man from the provinces of Metn
a or Melvite, or a woman from any of the provinces, for that matter. Shouldn’t some of them also have an opportunity to try and be the assistant king? Maybe we should just select the best candidate for the job. Is Madeline even qualified to lead the planet?”
“She has a degree in subatomic particle physics from the finest university on the planet. And she cares about her fellow tiny earth inhabitants deeply. What more do you need?”
“But she is a cow,” argued the boy.
“Mooooo!” Madeline said angrily into the translator and the speakers said “My turn!!!”
Holcomb looked over at Mr. Bladder and Mr. Bladder looked to the bald man. The crowd watched as the bald man made his way through them to the boy. He picked the boy up and tucked him under his arm and carried him away as everyone watched.
“Three days from now we’ll hold the election! A vote by the people right here in this square! Everyone get out and vote Holcomb and Madeline! Make sure to get out and cast the right vote!”Holcomb looked over at Bladder and Bladder nodded. Holcomb waved at the crowd. “That concludes our rally today!”
The president grabbed Maynard by the arm and pulled him toward the makeshift stage.
“No! No, Mr. President, don’t do what I think you’re going to do! I don’t know what to say. I’m freezing up! I’m going to have a panic attack! I make a horribly insecure woman. It’s my body, Mr. President, please.”
“Get over it, Maynard!” the president said in an angry hushed voice. “I’m diving into this election and I don’t even have my teleprompter! It’s time to act! I’m getting sick of the shame you have over your body! Your body is fine!”
The president jumped up on to the barrels and dragged Maynard up beside him. They stood alongside a confused Holcomb that leaned in and studied the two.
“Pierce? Maynard?”
“My sister and I will also be on the ticket in three days. We will be running for the first female king and vice president! An all woman ticket!” yelled President Pierce, as he grabbed Maynard’s wrist and held their arms up together.
“Who are you?” shouted an old man from the crowd.
There was a pause for a second. The president reflexively looked to where his teleprompter would be. There was nothing. He had to think fast. The president and Maynard both answered simultaneously.
“Susan.”
The president glared at Maynard. Maynard shrugged.
“You’re both named Susan?” the man asked.
The president nodded. “Yes. We are both Susan.”
“But you’re sisters?”
“Yes,” answered the president.
“That must’ve been confusing while the two of you were growing up. What’s your last name?” persisted the old man, continuing with his line of questions.
The president was lost without a screen to look at. Maynard suddenly answered for them.
“Susan.”
“You’re two sisters that are both named Susan with the last name Susan?” the old man asked in astonishment. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
“Yes,” said the president. “We are both named Susan Susan.”
Holcomb reached up behind President Pierce and grabbed the back of his wig.
“Pull the wig, Holcomb, and I’ll describe the nightmarish barbecues you threw back in Texas where you had contests to see how many citizens could be eaten.” Holcomb’s hand let go of the wig and slowly slipped away.
Harry Bladder signaled the king and pointed to the bald thug but Holcomb shook his head no.
President Pierce shouted to the people. “Be sure to get out and vote in three days! And vote Susan Susans for king and vice president!”
Madeline mooed and it translated from the speaker towers as “my time!” She pushed Maynard with her rear end and he was lucky to catch his balance. He pulled his arm back and punched Madeline in the neck but only hurt his hand. Holcomb then threw a punch at Maynard but missed and hit President Pierce, sending him flying from the stage.
Luigi and his men rushed in to quell the violence and make the crowd disperse. The president was lying on the ground holding his jaw when his vision came back into focus and he was staring at Luigi’s groin as he bent over the president, making sure that he was okay.
“Please, Luigi, please. Just back up a little bit.”
*
“Grab him,” said Cedric, looking down at Tom, who had fallen asleep in some bushes. Several of the king’s guards grabbed Tom, whose eyes were still half closed. He ineffectively threw lazy punches and random kicks that found nothing. “You did a very bad thing, Mr. Cruise.”
They took Tom back to the king who barely fit on his throne anymore. He looked to be about three years old but he still thought and acted like himself. He was sitting alone with a bowl of something similar to pudding in his lap. He was struggling with his spoon and by the looks of his shirt he hadn’t been having much success. He looked up when Tom was led into the room.
“You arrogant bastard, Cruise! Look what you did to me!” The king’s voice was very cute and the men couldn’t help but smile.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, King Donny,” said Tom, and the king’s guards turned so that they could hide their amusement.
The king glared at Cedric. “Cedric!”
Cedric knew what was coming. He walked up and leaned down so that the king could reach him. The king hit him with a spoon full of pudding and it ran down Cedric’s cheek.
“You are going to fix this, Cruise, or you’re definitely going to regret it! I’ll find a way to torture you, the fabric of your very worst nightmares.”
“I have no idea how you got like that so you might as well just bring on the worst that you’ve got.”
“You got it, Mr. Cruise.” The king pointed to Cedric. “You know what to do. Make it good, Cedric.” Cedric and the other men led Tom away.
*
“What do you think Tom’s going to say when he meets Nickvolta?” said Nick while they hiked toward the city. They had already gotten much better at walking and were making a good pace. They could hop off the middle leg clearing fifteen feet at a time when they chose to but whenever they employed the technique they soon became winded. They had also learned not to turn directly toward each other. It either resulted in them banging their faces together, or a prolonged, uncomfortable, homoerotic invasion of personal space, if that was possible anymore.
“I’m not sure, Nick. He might not be as excited as you are,” said John.
The two caught a rock with their middle foot and stumbled awkwardly, drifting one direction and then another, trying to regain their balance. They managed to stay on their feet and continued on. Nick’s arm reached out with his hand and John attempted to high five it but missed and struck Nick’s head.
“We’ve got to practice doing things until we don’t do them like some freakazoid spaz?”
“I’m not sure what that means, Nick.
“You just high fived my head, John.”
“I just missed a little bit.”
“Let’s try this. Let’s pretend that Sly Stallone just said something really funny and everybody is laughing and clapping so we start clapping too. Ready?”
“I think so.”
Nick started swinging his hand out in front of him but getting nothing but air.
“John, what are you doing?”
You never did the joke. Why would I be laughing and clapping? I’d just look stupid if I started laughing and clapping at nothing. People respect my ideas and opinions. I have a reputation to uphold.”
“Who’s going to see you down here? And besides, you don’t think that I just looked stupid clapping at the air? And because we’re one now, being Nickvolta, when I look stupid, you look stupid. Think about it, John.” Nick fumed as they continued to walk until John apologized.
“I wasn’t trying to ruffle your feathers. I’m sorry, Nick.”
“Well you did.”
“Hey, Nick?”
�
�What?”
“I gotta go,” said John.
“Go where?”
“You know. I gotta go.”
“I don’t feel it,” said Nick.
“I do. I’ve been feeling it for a while and I was just waiting for you to say something first.”
“Okay. I guess we’ll go behind that bush over there. You…uh…handle it. Because if you felt it, it must be yours…down there.”
“Okay. I wouldn’t care if it was yours at this point. I really have to go.”
They walked behind a bush and Nick turned away while John struggled with their pants.
“Hey, Nick?”
“What?”
“We’re both really macho. What would you suppose would happen when you combine two really virile men?”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe it’ll be like the Thunderfoot? Maybe it’ll be huge?”
“Just take care of business, John.”
“I can’t seem to do this with one hand,” John said with frustration. He yanked at the zipper, up and down, up and down, but it was stuck. “Can you just let me use your hand to help me free it?”
“Absolutely not, John! Figure it out! Come on, man!”
“We’re going to end up wetting ourselves, Nick.” John fumbled around, pulling at the zipper. He finally managed to get it down and reached in. He yanked his hand out from their pants like he’d been bitten by a rattler.
“What are you doing?”
“It’s not there!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“It’s gone! Our penis is gone! When we morphed together it must’ve gotten left out of the final design! We’re smooth down there, Nick, like a plastic doll!”
“That can’t be right. How could we relieve ourselves?” He reached down and felt around where there should have been a penis and realized that John was right. “We don’t have one. Nickvolta has no penis,” Nick said, his voice weighted with despair.
“I’d rather be dead. I can’t go through life without…you know. I’m addicted to women. I am. It’s not just an expression in my case, Nick. I really am addicted to women. I can’t do this! I’m going to kill myself.”
“No, you’re not, John! I’m not going to walk around the rest of my life dragging your dead half!”
“I’m sick of you telling me what to do! You’re not the boss of me. I’m a top dog too, Nick!”
“Oh, really?”
“That’s right.”
The two of them started punching each other in the face. Because of the fact that they each only had one hand, and nothing to use to shield their faces, every blow landed.
