by Quinn Ward
“And I’d listen to every word,” he said softly, lifting my hand to kiss my fingers. He’d done that a few times today. What did it say that I liked that? “So, two of your brothers are gay—”
“No, Freddie’s bisexual,” I corrected him because I’d heard him do the same to Mama repeatedly. “But yeah, Frankie’s gay.”
“Forgive me if I’m being too forward, but what about you?” There was a hitch in his voice; I’d noticed it a few times when he wasn’t sure how I’d handle something he said.
“What about me?” I asked to buy myself a bit of time.
“Who turns you on, Angel?” You. Luckily, I was pretty sure I managed to keep that thought inside my head. “John said you’re straight, but I haven’t met many straight men who don’t shy away from affection from another man.”
Saying the words out loud felt like the most terrifying thing I’d ever done. I was always careful to avoid conversations about attraction because I didn’t want to admit I was broken. That there were wires crossed in my head and I had never looked at someone and sprung wood.
“Remember, there are no right or wrong answers,” he reminded me when I didn’t respond. “I’m trying to get to know you right now. I won’t lie and say I’m asking out of simple curiosity, but you’re not easy to read.”
Say the first thing that comes to your mind, he’d told me earlier. So, I did. “No one. I don’t know why, but I’ve never felt the things most guys talked about in high school. I mean, girls were pretty, but they didn’t make me feel anything. Same with guys. I wish it wasn’t that way, but it’s how I am. When I jerk off, I don’t need porn and I don’t think about who I want to be with…” or I hadn’t, until this past weekend. “Masturbating isn’t a replacement for sex, it’s more like a pressure release than anything. It feels good, but I don’t dream about having someone else to do that for me or do other things to me. That’s weird, right?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You don’t? We just got done taking pictures for a freaking sex toy site of all things, but you don’t think it’s weird that I don’t understand what all the hype is about?”
“Nope.” Levi placed a hand on my knee. “Angel, a lot of people think the world is black and white, when there are a million different shades in between. You like what you like, or not, and you should never let anyone make you feel bad about that.”
“But that’s the thing; I like spending time with you. It’s different from how I feel when I hang out with John, my other friends, or even my brothers,” I admitted. I’d eventually regret letting my lack of a filter go unchecked, but since Levi had broached the subject, I found myself wanting to open to him.
“I feel the same way.”
“For now, sure,” I scoffed. Levi wasn’t beautiful by most people’s standards, but he was sweet, tender, and I’d be willing to bet a very attentive lover. “But what happens when you want more?”
“We’ll talk about it when the time comes.” Levi stopped talking long enough to concentrate on parking the car about a block from the pub. We both got out and met at the curb. Levi slid his hand into mine as we made our way down the sidewalk. “One thing I’ve learned over the years is that it’s dangerous to lock yourself into a box. Who you are could easily change or you may simply get a better understanding of what makes you tick. Believe me, what I’m into was barely on my radar when I was your age.”
“You make it sound like you’re ancient.”
“Some days, it feels that way.” As if to emphasize the point, Levi twisted his upper body to stretch out his back.
I bumped my shoulder against his, causing him to stumble a step to the left. “Come on, you can’t be that much older than me.”
“I’m flattered you think so, but I’m thirty-four. I’ll be thirty-five in a little over a month.” My steps faltered, certain I’d misheard him. I’d have believed late twenties, but no way did he look to be in his mid-thirties. “So trust me when I say I know how much can change as you get older and learn more about yourself. Do you want to know my thoughts about what you’ve told me and what I’ve experienced with you?”
I wouldn’t put too much stock into anything he said since we’d only known one another about a week, but I was curious. “Sure.”
“You’re the type of person who needs to feel a connection to someone before you can feel attraction. I’m not sure you even notice it, but you’re a very tactile man. You almost melted earlier when I drew you into my lap and rubbed your back.” He continued telling me how he saw me, and it made sense. With Levi, I was able to put aside my concerns about him learning my flaws. What started out as a job for both of us had quickly morphed into something I couldn’t yet define, but I was curious to test his theories. “Sometimes, the strongest bonds are the ones that aren’t born out of sexual desire. It’s part of what makes a lot of the BDSM lifestyle seem incredibly intense.”
“Yeah, I’m definitely not into any of that.” I shuddered, suddenly freaking out that what we’d been doing was some sort of precursor to spending late nights with me chained up in a dungeon or something similar. Yeah, no thanks.
“No, I don’t think you are into anything heavy, but without realizing it, you’ve tapped into a side of your personality that craves submission. I could see it in your eyes when you were coloring earlier; you wanted my approval.” Okay, so that was true. When Levi praised me, I felt like I could take on the world. When he’d directed me to the next task, I hadn’t thought about what I needed to do because he’d guided me the entire time. And several times, I’d wished I could feel that way more often. “BDSM is different things to different people, even within the community. But the definitions are murkier when you add in those who base their opinions on what they’ve heard rather than what they’ve tried. We can talk more about all of this later. For now, let’s enjoy dinner with friends.”
“Okay.” In less than a week, I felt as if my world had been tilted in the best possible way. For the first time in forever, the voice in the back of my head telling me I was broken stayed silent. Levi knew what I saw as my biggest flaw and accepted it. And in his acceptance, he’d given me an amazing gift: hope.
6
Levi
“You two seem to be getting along,” John mused while we waited for our dinner to arrive.
“We are.” I glanced at Teo then brushed my fingers across his hand beneath the table. Even though we’d been seated at a six-top and he could’ve sat next to John, he’d chosen the seat next to mine.
John traced his thumb across his lower lip as he assessed us. My cousin was up to something, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what scheme was brewing in his mind.
Denny cleared his throat, glaring at John. This obviously wasn’t a spontaneous idea and the fact Denny was practically screaming at John with nothing more than a look told me I wasn’t going to like this.
“You know I’m right,” John said to Denny. “It’s perfect. They’re perfect.”
Denny’s nostrils contracted as he sucked in a sharp breath. I knew that look; Denny was annoyed. “Not. Now.”
I wasn’t sure what shocked me more; Denny’s biting tone or the fact John immediately cowed to him.
The trouble was, John had cracked the lid on the box and now I was dying to know what he’d been thinking. Denny likely knew I wasn’t going to let the subject drop, so he quickly changed the subject.
“Matteo, are you still in school?”
Teo cleared his throat a few times as he picked at his shirt. I could feel the insecurity coming off him in waves, so I gently squeezed his knee beneath the table.
“No… I’m… no,” he stammered. I knew he and John had met in college, but his reaction wasn’t that of someone who’d proudly graduated. I added that to the mental list of topics we could cover later.
What had started as a pleasant dinner with friends was quickly imploding. We were saved by the server delivering our meals.
By the end of the meal, Teo looked re
ady to crawl out of his skin. He kept staring at John, opening his mouth to say something then closing it again. Even if Denny wasn’t on board with whatever John had up his sleeve, Matteo’s curiosity was getting the better of him. He’d started twisting his fingers around his hair, yanking harder with every passing minute. Let Denny be pissed if he wanted; I made the decision that’d ease my boy’s anxiety.
“What was this idea you had?” I asked after the server had cleared our dishes. Denny let out an irritated grunt but didn’t say anything else.
John straightened on his stool, his face turning serious. “Okay, so hear me out.” Anytime John started by asking me to listen to everything before turning him down, he already knew he was going to ask something of me I didn’t want to do.
Teo’s stool scraped against the floor as he scooted closer to me. We held hands out of John’s view, but I could tell by the way he kept looking between us that he knew Teo turned to me for comfort when he started freaking out. I wondered if Teo was as used to John’s antics and schemes as I was. It was strange to me that we had this common link in our lives, and yet our paths hadn’t crossed until now.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you were saying about needing to make the site different from all the other ones out there,” he began, pausing to take a sip of his drink. “Originally, I thought it’d be enough to source and stock products that’d appeal to people in the lifestyle, but that’s only going to help if I can get people to the site. And that’s where you come in.”
“I’m not sure I follow.” It was rare that I couldn’t see the path of John’s thoughts, but I wasn’t sure how he expected– “If you want to turn this into some sort of fetish site and think we’re going to model for that, too, you need your head checked out.”
John scrubbed his chin, a mischievous glint in his eye. Oh hell, now I’d given him yet another idea. “That has merit, but no, I wouldn’t even ask that. I know that’d be a huge leap past Matteo’s comfort zone.”
“So what is it?” I pressed. Not only was Teo restless, but I could tell he was getting sleepy. For someone like him that was a dangerous combination. I wanted to get him home, maybe ask him to spend the night and suggest we talk in the morning.
“People are always looking for real-life experiences,” John explained. “You can find a ton of half-ass articles out there, but I was thinking we could do better.”
“You do realize I’ve known you long enough to understand the more you ramble the fuller you are of shit, right?” I interrupted, wishing he’d get to the point.
“Not this time, I’m not,” he argued. “I haven’t had time to plan out how I want to do this, but I was thinking you and Matteo could contribute to the site, both offering your own experiences and insight. How many people do you suppose there are out there who are interested in the lifestyle but can’t figure out why? You could help them sort that out by talking about your own feelings. Maybe you could even come up with some ideas of things Daddies could do with their littles. It’d be great!”
Teo pressed his lips into a thin line, hand drifting up to his hair again. I snatched his hand and held it firm, worried he’d pull hard enough to yank hairs out by the root. Teo said uncertainly, “I… I’m not sure… do you need an answer right away?”
I leaned in, not giving a damn what Denny or John thought. Teo needed to settle down before he worked himself into a frenzy. “Angel, what have I told you? No one can make you do anything you’re not ready for.”
“He’s right, Matteo,” John butted in. I held back a snarl when he placed a hand on Teo’s forearm. I needed to get a grip on this sudden fit of jealousy. It wasn’t an endearing quality, especially not while I was trying to convince Matteo I wasn’t trying to own him. “I just thought it’d be cool, because you bring a unique perspective. I’ve seen how your attitude has changed in a very short time. That would be beneficial to those who don’t understand but want to. And after seeing the two of you together, you couldn’t ask for a better Daddy to help you explore. I mean, if that’s something you want to do.”
“Why don’t you say it a little louder so the people in the back can hear you,” Denny scolded him. I wasn’t sure what had crawled up his ass and died, but I kicked him under the table. Boss or not, he was the one who needed to chill the fuck out. Fast. He grimaced, reaching down to rub his shin, then spoke directly to Matteo. “I’m sorry. We’ve been working on teaching him a bit of tact, but so far no luck.”
“It’s okay.” Matteo chuckled, but it was forced. “I’ve hung out with him enough to know he doesn’t think before he speaks. It’s part of why we get along so well. And I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but I’m not sure I can do it.”
“We wouldn’t have to use your name if that’d help,” John offered.
“We’ll think about it,” I responded firmly, making it perfectly clear we weren’t discussing this any further right then. I stood, taking Matteo’s hand to help him off his stool. “Now, if you don’t mind, it’s getting late. I’m going to get Matteo home.”
John excused himself to the pay the bill, telling us he’d meet us outside. Denny followed close behind, still stewing about the conversation over dinner. That left me with a host of questions I’d love to ask my cousin, but that’d happen in time; right now, Matteo was my only concern.
“We’re just about done with this project,” Denny said once we were outside. The man sucked at small talk unless it had to do with work. “Why don’t you take the day off tomorrow? We’ll mostly be working on more product variations and even AJ can’t manage to fuck that up.”
“Sounds good.” I wasn’t sure if Matteo had to work or not, but on the off chance his schedule was clear, I wasn’t going to argue with not going in to work on boring shit. Worst-case scenario, I’d start going through the pics from the past two days of shooting to pick out the best. Such a hardship. I’d been suffering from blue balls most of the day, so it was best for all that I relive those moments with Teo in the privacy of my own home.
I once again opened the door for Matteo, leaning in to buckle his seatbelt. His expression when he looked up at me was half amused, a bit annoyed, and something else I couldn’t name. “You do know I’m more than capable of doing that on my own, right?”
“I do, but me doing things like this have nothing to do with your ability to care for yourself and everything to do with my desire to take care of you.” Memories of the end of my relationship with Bradley crept into my mind. The first resistance I’d noticed from him was when he got defensive about me doing little things for him with almost the exact same protest. “Now, am I taking you home or did you still want to talk about more than dinner?”
“I want to talk,” he responded, sounding more certain than I’d heard him all day. “I mean, if you do. But you should know I’m going to have a lot of questions. You might get sick of me before we get to any of the good stuff.”
“That won’t happen,” I promised him. I’d already figured out that Matteo was insecure about the way his mind worked, but I found it endearing. Loved the way he was so unfiltered at times because it gave me a glimpse into his thoughts many others would hold back.
Teo stared out the window as I drove, occasionally running a hand through his hair or pinching his lip. I reached across the console, resting my hand on his knee. He glanced over, smiling before turning his attention once again to the passing scenery. By the time I pulled off the freeway, the only sound in the car was Teo’s soft snores.
At the next stoplight, I took a moment to study him while he was completely at peace. He looked so damn young and innocent, which only made me want him that much more. I hoped like hell I could be the one to help him sort through whatever he wanted to explore because I didn’t trust anyone else to care for him the way I could.
I pulled into my assigned parking stall and turned off the engine, thinking it’d wake him. When it didn’t, I leaned back in my seat and watched him sleep, wondering how long it’d been since he’d tr
uly rested. To my credit, I did resist the urge to pull out my phone and take a picture of him, even though this was the memory I’d most cherish from today. With everything we’d done at the loft, knowing he trusted me enough to fall into a deep sleep was priceless.
Once the air in the car began to cool, Teo stirred. He scrubbed a hand over his face, startled when he realized we weren’t moving. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, Angel. We’re home.” His brow furrowed, his mind fuzzy from his nap. “I mean we’re at my place. You still want to head inside?”
“Yes, please.”
This time, Teo waited in the car until I came around and opened his door. I wasn’t sure if it was an act of insecurity or if he’d realized I wanted to do this for him, but I kissed the side of his head as I unbuckled his seatbelt to let him know I was pleased. Hand-in-hand, I led him into the foyer of my apartment building. It wasn’t anything luxurious, but it was clean and mostly affordable; I didn’t need much more than that.
Inside my apartment, I only turned on a small lamp in the hall. Jinx slinked out from wherever she’d been hiding, weaving her way through Teo’s legs. “Sorry, she’s a bit of an attention whore.”
He crouched, holding out a hand so she could check him out. Once she sniffed a bit, she shoved her head into his palm, chasing his fingers when he dared try to back away. “She’s cute. Is she still a kitten?”
“No, she’s a few years old but never got very big. For a while, I worried something was wrong with her, but the vet says she’s healthy as can be.” I scooped up Jinx and scratched between her ears as I gave Teo a quick tour of the apartment. Uncertain how I wanted tonight to go, I invited him into the living room. He’d obviously won the Jinx seal of approval, because as soon as he curled up on one end of the couch, she jumped out of my arms and into his lap. That turned out to be a blessing because she gave him something to focus on while he organized his thoughts about everything that’d happened since he’d blasted into the loft this morning.
