by Al Lamanda
Wheezer started really sucking wind, grabbed his tank and stuck it in his mouth.
“What the hell’s the matter with him?” Fubar said.
“It’s sort of a hobby,” Ian said.
“You mean like building model airplanes?” Snafu said.
“It don’t look like no hobby I ever saw,” Fubar said.
Wheezer took a huge hit from the tank, slammed it on the table and shouted, “Oh yeah!”
“Fubar, you will be Muffie-Jo’s date,” Gavin said. “I need someone who can use a bolt cutter.”
“No problem,” Fubar said.
“Ian, call Double D and have him meet us at my apartment later on tonight,” Gavin said. “Maybe bring Muffie-Jo as well.”
“No problem,” Ian said.
“Lee, do you want me to be injured,” Peru said.
“Not a bad idea,” Gavin said. “Give the EMT’s something to do instead of standing around watching.”
“No problem,” Peru said.
“Okay, let’s go over the details again,” Gavin said. “After we talk with Doug, we’ll meet one more time to make sure everything’s in place.”
“Hey, what could go wrong?” Ian said.
TWENTY-THREE
“I love magic,” Muffie-Jo said, delighted. “That guy who walks the streets and floats.”
Double D stared at Muffie-Jo from across Gavin’s dining room table. “What the hell’s she talking about?”
At the counter, Patience took a lovely roasted chicken out of the over and said, “One is never quite sure, is one?”
“That guy asks you to pick a card, then floats in the air, that guy,” Muffie-Jo said.
Double D’s head started to shake like a bobble head doll. “Help me out here, Lee.”
“Ask Ian, she’s his wife,” Gavin said.
Ian, sniffing the air, turned and looked at Patience. “That smells really, really good, sis.”
“I saw that other guy make an elephant disappear live on TV,” Muffie-Jo said. “But, I think he did it with camera angles. I mean, after all, it’s an elephant.”
Double D stared at Muffie-Jo. “She’s for real, isn’t she?”
“Oh, yes,” Ian said.
“Muffie-Jo, would you help me with the mashed potatoes?” Patience said.
Muffie-Jo looked at Patience. “Over there?”
“Yes, over here,” Patience said.
Muffie-Jo stood up and walked to the counter. “What do I do?”
Gavin sighed. “Now, Doug, apparently cars don’t explode when they crash like they do in the movies.”
“A pity,” Double D said. Sixty years old, crusty as stale bread, Double D was a demolition expert for the Army in his youth. Upon his discharge, Double D, a nickname for his real name of Douglas, Douglas, brought upon when his divorced mother married a man with the last name Douglas) discovered there were people in the world who would pay him handsomely to blow things up. This was immensely pleasurable to Double D as he hated the world and loved nothing better than a good explosion.
“I need you to rig the gas tank in the car to explode when we crash it into the plate glass window of the Science Club,” Gavin said.
At the counter, Muffie-Jo held the potato masher over the pot of boiled potatoes and looked at Patience. “How does this work?” she said.
“Ian and I will be inside the trunk, so it needs to be on a timer,” Gavin said. “Twenty seconds should do it.”
“Pretend it’s the turkey baster,” Patience said.
Immediately, Muffie-Jo started smashing the potatoes with the masher.
“No problem,” Double D said. “How big you want the explosion to be? I can take out the entire block if you want. One big Ba-boom, it’s all gone.”
“Take that, Ian,” Muffie-Jo said as she mashed potatoes.
“One problem with that Doug, is you take us along with it,” Gavin pointed out.
Ian looked at Muffie-Jo. “Take what?”
“You won’t give me a baby, I crush your skull,” Muffie-Jo said.
“What in blazes is she talking about?” Double D said.
“Doug, focus,” Gavin said. “Can you set the explosion for twenty seconds?”
Double D turned away from Muffie-Jo and looked at Gavin. “Yeah, yeah, not a problem. The only unit of time that doesn’t work is zero, for the obvious reasons.”
“Crush, crush, crush,” Muffie-Jo said as she smashed potatoes.
“All this because I won’t have sex with a turkey baster,” Ian said.
Double D looked at Ian. “I know you young people have new ways of doing things, but I never…”
“Later,” Gavin said. “How will you rig the explosion?”
“Uh, simple job,” Double D said as he turned to Gavin. “A charge under the gas tank wired to blow when I push a button. If I set the timer for twenty seconds, that’s how long the timer will take to count down.”
“Which gives us plenty of time to exit the trunk and enter the building,” Gavin said.
“Um, what if the trunk gets stuck?” Ian said.
“Fubar will install a quick release inside,” Gavin said.
“Because I’m afraid of…” Ian said.
“Later,” Gavin said. “Doug, the charge has to be just big enough to ignite the gas tank. The gas will do the rest.”
“No problem,” Double D said.
“Who wants to carve?” Patience said from the counter.
Like a shot, Ian was out of his chair and at the counter where he took the carving knife from Patience.
“Will you have to be close by?” Gavin said.
“The intersection should do,” Double D said.
“Good, because that’s where Patience will be parked in a rental,” Gavin said.
“Really?” Patience said as she wiped her hands on a towel.
“I meant to talk to you about that,” Gavin said.
“When?” Patience said. “While I’m in labor?”
Ian returned to the table with slabs of roasted chicken and a mound of mashed potatoes on a plate.
“Later on tonight,” Gavin said. “And all you have to do is wait in the car for us, that’s all.”
Ian shoved chicken and mashed potatoes into his mouth and Gavin turned and glared at him. “I think she meant carve for all of us,” Gavin said.
Ian twisted open a beer, washed down the food and said, “It’s a buffet.”
“Doug, you can wait in the car with Patience after you discharge the timer,” Gavin said.
“Lee, would you finish carving the bird?” Patience said. “It’s the least you can do since I’m now your getaway driver.”
Gavin went to the counter to carve the chicken. “All you have to do is sit and wait.”
“As long as I don’t have to wait twenty-five to life,” Patience said. -
“What about me, what do I do?” Muffie-Jo said.
“Nothing,” Gavin said. “You do nothing.”
“I can handle that,” Muffie-Jo said.
Patience carried the bowl of mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots and corn to the table. Gavin followed with a plate of carved chicken.
“Everybody, help yourself,” Gavin said.
Ian’s fork shot out to spear extra chicken slices.
“If I do nothing, why do I have to be there?” Muffie-Jo said.
“That’s a very good question, Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said.
“Really?” Muffie-Jo beamed.
“Don’t let it go to your head,” Ian said as he shoveled food into his mouth.
“You and Fubar will just watch the show until the…” Gavin said.
“My date?” Muffie-Jo said.
“He’s not your date,” Ian said.
“You watch the show until the commotion breaks out,” Gavin said. “When Ian and I come down from the roof, we’ll slip you the egg and then get out of Dodge.”
“I thought we were staying in Manhattan,” Muffie-Jo said.
“She’s serious?” Do
uble D said.
“As a first class heart attack,” Ian said.
“I think get out of Dodge is just an expression,” Double D said.
“Like an allegory,” Ian said.
“You mean like my sweaters?” Muffie-Jo said.
“What the hell is she talking about?” Double D said to Gavin.
“It’s a mystery, isn’t it?” Gavin said.
“That’s angora, Muffie-Jo,” Patience said.
“What is?” Muffie-Jo said.
“Nothing,” Gavin snapped. “Now Muffie-Jo, all you have to do is enjoy the show…”
“With my date,” Muffie-Jo said.
“Fubar is not your date,” Ian said. “This is a job.”
“Enjoy the show until the commotion starts outside,” Gavin said. “Because of the explosion and fire, the police will keep everybody inside the comedy club. Ian and I will come down from the roof, act like we’re part of the crowd and slip you the egg. You keep it in your purse until the show is over and then Fubar…”
“My date,” Muffie-Jo said and stuck her tongue out at Ian.
“…Will drive you home where we’ll take the egg back. Do you have all that?” Gavin said.
Muffie-Jo nodded. “Do nothing, wait for the egg, go home,” she said.
“Good girl,” Gavin said.
“One question,” Muffie-Jo said. “What if the egg breaks inside my purse? I’ll have all that goo all over my stuff. It will never come out, even if…”
“The egg is petrified,” Gavin said.
Muffie-Jo stared at Gavin. Her blue eyes glazed over for a moment, then she shook her head and her blonde tresses flew everywhere. “How,” she said. “Can and egg be scared of anything? I mean, what does an egg have to be scared of, unless maybe an omelet?”
Patience smirked at Gavin, who stared at Muffie-Jo, who looked her question at Ian, who happily ate away while Double D sat with open mouth.
Finally, Patience said, “I think, Muffie-Jo, that in this case what Lee is saying is the egg is a rock, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
“The egg is a rock?” Muffie-Jo said.
Patience nodded.
“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” Muffie-Jo said and sniffled.
“You want to take a crack at this, Lee?” Patience said.
Gavin sighed. “See, Muffie-Jo, if something organic is stuck in the ground for thousands of years, it hardens and they call it petrified. Like the petrified forest.”
“Are we talking about eggs or trees?” Muffie-Jo said.
“This isn’t possible,” Double D said.
“Oh, but it is, but it is,” Ian said.
“If you’re going to make fun of me I’m not doing it,” Muffie-Jo said, stood up and raced into the bedroom, slamming the door.
“What just happened?” Double D said.
“Revenge for the turkey baster,” Ian said.
“Ian, go talk to your wife,” Gavin said.
“Can it wait until I’m done eating?”
“We don’t have that many years.”
Patience stood up. “I’ll do it.”
Muffie-Jo was on the bed, sobbing into the pillow when Patience entered the bedroom and quietly closed the door. She sat on the bed beside Muffie-Jo and gently patted her blond mane. “Muffie-Jo, listen to me for a minute.”
“Why, so you can make fun of me some more?”
“Nobody is making fun of you,” Patience said.
“Eggs, rocks, trees,” Muffie-Jo said and sobbed.
“Do you know what a lump of coal is?” Patience said.
“Yeah, what Ian is getting for Christmas next year,” Muffie-Jo said.
‘That aside, if you take a lump of coal and stick it in the ground and leave it for thousands of years, the weight causes it harden like rock,” Patience said. “In the case of coal, when it hardens it becomes a diamond.”
Muffie-Jo turned and sat up. Her mascara, wet with tears ran down her face and she looked like a beautiful, blonde raccoon. “Really?”
“And a big beautiful diamond is exactly what Ian will buy you if you do this,” Patience said.
“Really?” Muffie-Jo beamed.
“Oh, yeah,” Patience smirked. “Really.”
TWENTY-FOUR
When Gavin and Ian strolled into Johnny Peru’s west side garage, he, Double D, and Fubar were under the car that was on a lift. Double D was fixing a wire to a small block charge while Peru held it in place.
After a moment, everybody stepped back.
“There it is, the charge,” Double D said.
Gavin and Ian stepped under the car.
“That’s it?” Ian said.
“I just said that, didn’t I?” Double D said.
“Twenty seconds?” Gavin said.
“On the nose,” Double D said.
“What about the trunk?” Gavin said.
“Step out, I’ll bring her down,” Peru said.
Everybody moved from under the car and Peru pushed a button. The sedan slowly descended until it touched down. Peru opened the trunk.
“Empty and clean with room for two,” Peru said. “I installed an emergency pull latch in case the lock jams on impact.”
Gavin and Ian looked at the little pull cord on the right side of the trunk.
“What about a light?” Ian said. “It’s really dark in there with the lid closed.”
“There’s nothing to see,” Gavin said.
“I’ll bring a flashlight,” Ian said.
Peru opened the driver’s side door. “The problem with this model is the electronics. It’s all computerized these days. A chip activates a sensor when you step on the gas, another when you brake. If the chip or sensor is faulty, the car will accelerate when you want to brake. After the accident, the insurance company will impound the car and test the sensors, so it had better be faulty. I removed the sensors and installed faulty ones just to be sure. I’ll drive in low gear with the emergency brake on until I’m ready to crash. I changed the title so it’s in my name, so it will all appear legitimate. I’ll take her out late tonight for a test run and some practice.”
“Good thinking. Call me later at home with the results,” Gavin said. He looked at Double D. “Where’s the discharge remote?”
“My bag over there,” Double D said.
Gavin, Double D and Peru walked to a workbench in the corner.
Standing with Ian, Fubar said, “So, how do you think I should dress?”
“For what?” Ian said.
“My date with your wife,” Fubar said.
“Oh, for Christ sake,” Ian said. “It’s not a…”
“I know it’s casual, but I don’t want to look sloppy.”
“Wear anything but naked,” Ian said and walked to the workbench.
“How do you wear naked?” Fubar said. “Ian?”
“The nitwit thinks he’s going on a date with my wife,” Ian said.
At his desk, Wheezer worked his computer keyboard. Snafu, Gavin and Ian stood behind and watched.
“I’m programming the stoplights for an eight block square around the Science Club to stay green for fifteen minutes,” Wheezer said. “It will cause a major traffic jam and slow down police response time considerably.”
“Twelve years I’m happily married and this idiot thinks he’s dating my wife,” Ian said.
“Fourteen years,” Gavin said.
“Really?” Ian said.
“Wheeze, will you be able to run your program from a laptop?” Gavin said.
“No problem,” Wheezer said.
“Are you sure it’s fourteen?” Ian said.
“I’ll load the program onto my wireless and test it tonight,” Wheezer said. “If there’s any bugs in it, I’ll know right away.”
“Twelve, fourteen, doesn’t matter,” Ian said. “My wife doesn’t date.”
“For God’s sake, make him shut up,” Snafu said.
“Good job, Wheeze,” Gavin said. “You, too, Snafu
. Call me at home after the test run. Ian, you ready?”
Ian glared at Snafu. “It’s not a date.”
Snafu threw his hands in the air. “Take him!” he cried.
Patience was reading the brochure she picked up at the Comedy Club when Gavin and Ian walked through the door.
“If he lays a finger on Muffie-Jo, I’ll…” Ian said as he tossed his jacket.
“For God’s sake, give it a rest,” Gavin said and tossed his jacket. He walked to the sofa, kissed Patience and said, “You got it?”
“He wants to know how to dress, the nitwit,” Ian said.
Patience held out the brochure. “Show times, ticket prices, the menu.”
“Good girl,” Gavin said. “Ian, come have a look.”
“He snuck by you into the kitchen,” Patience said.
Gavin took the brochure into the kitchen where Ian was sitting down with a vat of leftovers and a bottle of beer.
“Your stomach is going to explode,” Gavin said.
“I’m stressed,” Ian said. “I eat when I’m stressed.”
Gavin plopped into a chair at the table. “It’s the job, Ian.”
“Ha! How would you like it if Fubar came by to take Patience out on a date?” Ian said.
Patience waddled into the kitchen belly first and lowered herself onto a chair with a loud groan.
“Okay, forget that,” Ian said.
Gavin sighed. “You have two days to set your brain straight.”
“Why two days?” Ian said.
Gavin held up the brochure. “That’s when he does a late show. On Friday. The heaviest traffic night of the week.”
Ian bit into a chicken leg and looked at Patience. “What else you got in there?”
Patience rubbed her swollen tummy.
“I meant the refrigerator,” Ian said.
TWENTY-FIVE
Gavin sat behind the wheel of the rented station wagon and looked at his watch. “Where the hell is Fubar?” he snarled.
Next to Gavin, Patience looked at her watch. “It’s only a few minutes after, Lee. The show doesn’t start for more than an hour.”
Behind Gavin, Double D said, “My trigger finger’s getting itchy.”
