by Al Lamanda
“He’s turning blue,” Muffie-Jo said.
“Do your Mr. Spock thing, sis,” Ian said as he forked cheesecake into his mouth.
Patience cautiously crept up behind Gavin. He was in his private zone and the world was locked out. “Lee?” she said, knowing there was little chance he would hear a stick of dynamite go off in his ear as her.
Patience examined Gavin’s neck, selecting the thickest part of the pulsating purple vein. With her right thump, she pressed against the purple vein. “Listen to me, hon,” she whispered. “It’s time to relax.”
Patience pressed her thumb harder into Gavin’s neck and after a few moments, as blood and oxygen was being cut off to his brain, he slowly started to relax. His grip slackened and Fubar fell to the floor. Then, as Patience kept up the pressure, Gavin started to sway like a drunk until finally, she released her thumb and he fell flat on his face. “That’s a good boy,” she said, softly. “You go sleepy.”
There was a moment of stunned silence, followed by loud clapping.
“Wow,” Snafu said, breaking the silence.
“Impressive,” Double D said.
“I wouldn’t have thought a bulldozer could bring him down,” Wheezer said.
“Can you teach me to do that to Ian?” Muffie-Jo said.
“What for, why?” Ian said as he shoveled in more cheesecake.
“Get Fubar to the table,” Patience said. “Give him some water.”
Wheezer and Snafu lifted Fubar to the table where he sat sucking wind while Double D filled a glass with cold water.
“What about Lee?” Wheezer said.
Patience looked at Gavin, who was passed out cold. “He’ll be fine,” she said. “Just a bit testy when he wakes up.”
Standing in the corner, half the cheesecake consumed, Ian said, “Boy, this is really good.”
Johnny Peru left the hospital with a white bandage on his forehead and another across his broken nose, stuck the bottle of painkillers in his pocket and grabbed a cab to Ian’s apartment on the west side. When he entered the apartment after knocking, he expected the mood to be highly celebratory and festive.
Instead, Peru found Patience, Ian, Muffie-Jo, Double D, Fubar and Snafu seated at the kitchen table quietly eating slices of cheesecake, which looked very good by the way, and drinking coffee.
That was odd in itself.
Odder was the fact that Lee Gavin appeared to be taking a nap on the kitchen floor, face down.
“What…?” Peru said.
“Don’t ask,” Ian said.
“Why is Lee…?” Peru said.
“Patience Doctor Spocked him,” Muffie-Jo said.
“The baby doctor guy, that guy?” Peru said.
“No, the Vulcan,” Ian said.
“What are you talking about?” Peru said.
“Beam me up, Scotty,” Ian said. “You know.”
“That’s why Lee is sleeping on the floor?” Peru said.
“No, because he choked Fubar near to death,” Snafu said.
“Poor Francis,” Muffie-Jo said.
Ian looked at Fubar. “Oh, my wife can call you that, huh?”
“Has everybody gone nuts around here?” Peru said.
“Pull up a chair,” Wheezer said. “There’s one slice of cheesecake left. We’ll fill you in over coffee.”
A little while later, Gavin moaned, rolled over and sat up. He rubbed his neck as he glared at Patience. “You did the finger thing, didn’t you?”
“Fubar was turning blue,” Patience said.
“He’s gonna get a lot bluer,” Gavin said, attempted to stand, slipped and fell on his duff.
“I wasn’t my fault, Lee,” Fubar said. “Honest. The police forced us out before we could get the egg back from the magician. Ask Muffie-Jo, she’ll tell you.”
Gavin placed his hands on the floor and slowly stood up by walking backwards. Once upright, he steadied himself and wobbled to the table. “I’ll get even,” he glared at Patience.
“His head was swelling,” Patience said.
Gavin plopped into the lone vacant chair beside Patience and looked at the empty cheesecake platter. “Couldn’t save me a piece, huh?”
Seven sets of eyes looked at Ian.
“Hey,” Ian said.
“So what are we gonna do, Lee?” Wheezer said. “All this work, we can’t just walk away empty handed.”
“Nobody is…P, anymore coffee?” Gavin said.
“I don’t know, is there Muffie-Jo?” Patience said.
“Me?” Muffie-Jo said. “Make coffee?”
“Just a thought,” Patience said as she stood up. “After all, it is your kitchen.”
“Ian usually doesn’t allow me to touch anything in here,” Muffie-Jo said.
“What does he allow you to do in here?” Patience asked as she filled the pot with fresh coffee from a carafe.
“Eat.”
Gavin looked at Muffie-Jo. “Tell me again what happened to the egg.”
“I didn’t tell you the first time,” Muffie-Jo said.
“Make believe you did and tell me a second time,” Gavin said.
“Umm, well, he sort of asked for my help,” Muffie-Jo began. “With some tricks, you see. He made my lipstick disappear and now that I think about it, it was my favorite color. Then my cell phone.”
Gavin’s eyes started to glaze over.
Patience arrived with the fresh pot of coffee and poured for all.
“And then…now let me think here, because this one is tricky,” Muffie-Jo said.
Ian stood up, opened the fridge, removed a second cheesecake and set it on the table. All eyes were upon him as he sliced off a huge piece for himself, sat and started to eat. “What?” he said. “It was a two for.”
“The egg, Muffie-Jo?” Gavin said.
“Right, right,” Muffie-Jo said. “Well, when he asked for another item, I reached into my bag and sorta grabbed the egg.”
“Sorta?” Gavin said.
“I was caught up in the magic of the moment,” Muffie-Jo said and started to giggle. “Magic of the moment, get it?”
“No,” Gavin snapped.
Peru looked at Ian, then the cheesecake. “You gonna share that?”
“Help yourself,” Ian said.
“Continue,” Gavin said.
Muffie-Jo stared at Gavin. “Me?”
Gavin lowered his head and massaged his temple.
“Headache?” Patience smirked.
“You know what’s good for that?” Snafu said.
“Later,” Gavin said, looking at Muffie-Jo. “Please, continue.”
“Well, I held the egg very tight in my hands like he told me to,” Muffie-Jo said. “And then all of a sudden it hatched a bird and the bird flew away.”
“It’s true,” Fubar said. “I saw it.”
“But, you didn’t stop it?” Gavin snarled at Fubar.
“What was I gonna do with three hundred people watching?” Fubar said.
“Man has a point,” Snafu said.
“Muffie-Jo, three hundred year old, petrified eggs don’t hatch,” Gavin said. “And if they did, they wouldn’t hatch full grown birds.”
“Umm, what’s your point?” Muffie-Jo said.
By this time, Peru had cut a thick slice of cheesecake for everyone at the table, but because Gavin was last to his right, Gavin’s slice was much smaller and thinner, about as thick as a pencil.
“My point, Muffie-Jo,” Gavin said. “Is that he did slight of hand, took the egg and replaced it with the bird. Do you know what that means?”
“Umm, he still has the egg?” Muffie-Jo said.
Gavin picked up his coffee cup, took a sip, turned and looked at Fubar. “More than likely up his sleeve or down a deep magician’s pocket,” he said.
“What?” Fubar said.
“Maybe you saw something?” Gavin asked, politely.
“Like what?”
“Like the egg, you dumb son of a bitch!” Double D shouted.
&n
bsp; “Oh.”
Licking his fork, Ian looked at Gavin’s uneaten sliver of cheesecake. “You gonna eat that?”
“So this clown has our egg, so what?” Double D said. “I say we go get it back and if he don’t want to give it to us, we blow the sumbitch to hell and back in a hand basket.”
“I don’t think…” Gavin said.
“Now what does that mean, hand basket?” Snafu said.
“Can we…?” Gavin said.
“I think it’s a basket you carry around by hand,” Fubar suggested.
“I know what it is, you bleeding moron,” Double D said.
“Well, what’s it got to do with blowing a guy up?” Snafu said.
“That vein is starting to stick up again,” Wheezer said to Patience.
“Maybe after you blow a guy up all that’s left is what fits inside a hand basket?” Peru said.
Patience looked at the swelling vein in Gavin’s neck. “Oh, if only I weren’t seven months pregnant,” she said.
“The point is…” Gavin said.
“If only you weren’t seven months pregnant, what?” Muffie-Jo said to Patience.
“The point is…” Gavin said.
“Never you mind,” Patience said to Muffie-Jo.
“The point is, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get the egg back,” Gavin said.
“And my phone,” Muffie-Jo said.
“And her phone.”
“And my lipstick,” Muffie-Jo said. “I really like that color on me.”
Gavin closed his eyes and Patience reached out with her thumb and gently massaged the bulging vein. “Slow breathing, hon,” she said. “Slow breathing.”
“Maybe he doesn’t even remember he has the egg,” Fubar said. “He could have tossed it out with the garbage for all we know.”
“He did, I’m blowing up his Goddamn comedy club,” Double D said. “Man doesn’t even tell jokes, for God’s sake.”
Gavin slowly opened his eyes and Patience removed her thumb.
“Better?” Patience said.
“Yes, thank you,” Gavin said. “Now look, through no fault of anybody at this table, the egg isn’t in our possession. Tomorrow, we go get it back.”
“How we gonna do that?” Snafu said.
“Tomorrow, we will pay a visit to the comedy club and politely ask him to return our property,” Gavin said.
“And if he refuses?” Fubar said.
“Then Jack-Jack Johnson gets to bust his head,” Gavin said. “Ian, pay him a visit tomorrow and have him standing by.”
Mouthful of cheesecake, Ian nodded.
Gavin looked at his empty plate, then at Ian. “How did you do that?”
Ian swallowed hard. “Magic,” he said.
TWENTY-SEVEN
It was a rare occasion that Fubar drove a vehicle that actually belonged to him, but today couldn’t be helped. Transporting Gavin, Ian, his cousin Snafu and Muffie-Jo would have been fine in his full size sedan, another vehicle he rarely drove, but to haul around Jack-Jack Johnson required and entire back seat and even that was a squeeze.
So Fubar dusted off the van and drove that for today’s outing. He picked up Jack-Jack last and when the massive, mountain of a man entered and sat, Fubar could actually feel the front of the van rise a bit.
Seated next to Fubar, Gavin turned around to look past Ian at the behemoth. “How ya been, Jack?” Gavin said.
“Oh, you know,” Jack-Jack said.
“Business good?” Gavin said.
“Fair,” Jack-Jack said. “Pinch a face here, break an arm there, it all adds up to rent money.”
“Sure,” Gavin said. “So, what did Ian tell you this morning?”
“Said some magician stole your magic egg or whatever the hell it is and I should bust his face he don’t give it back,” Jack-Jack said and cracked his gorilla sized knuckles.
“Close enough,” Gavin said and faced front.
“You want I should cut through the park at 79th or head east now and skirt uptown?” Fubar said.
“As long as we’re heading uptown, I need to make a ten minute stop,” Jack-Jack said. “Okay, Francis?”
“Okay by me,” Fubar said. “Lee?”
“Ten minutes?” Gavin said.
“If that,” Jack-Jack said.
On 49th and Second Avenue, Jack-Jack entered a quiet, six-story apartment building that was wedged between two luxury hi rise complexes while the group waited in the van.
“So Jack can call you Francis, but I can’t,” Ian said to Fubar.
“Jack can call me whatever the hell he wants,” Fubar said. “So long as he don’t sit on me.”
“I like your name, Francis,” Muffie-Jo said.
“Thank you, Margaret,” Fubar said.
“What about me?” Snafu said.
“I don’t think I know your real…” Muffie-Jo said.
“Do you hear something?” Gavin said.
“Yeah, I do,” Ian said. “What is that?”
“Screaming,” Gavin said.
Gavin, Ian, Fubar, Snafu and Muffie-Jo exited the van, stood on the sidewalk, and looked up at the six-story building where Jack-Jack was dangling a man by his ankles from the roof.
“Now what do you suppose this is about?” Ian said.
“Where’s my money!” Jack-Jack yelled and shook the man.
“I think I know,” Fubar said.
Loose change fell from the man’s pockets and bounced off the sidewalk.
“Goodness,” Muffie-Jo said.
“Tomorrow, Jack!” the dangling man cried. “I swear on my mother’s eyes.”
“I don’t want your mother’s eyes!” Jack-Jack yelled. “I want my money.”
“Tomorrow,” the man said. “Come by for dinner. Alice is making a nice Irish stew. I’ll have it then. I swear.”
“With the little potatoes and carrots in the stew?” Jack-Jack said. “And soda bread?”
“Yes, yes, please,” the man cried.
The man and Jack-Jack suddenly disappeared from view.
“Well, that’s that,” Ian said.
Back in the van, the crew rode in silence for several minutes until Muffie-Jo turned around and looked at Jack-Jack. “You should be ashamed of yourself, you big ape,” she chided. “That poor man.”
“He owes me money,” Jack-Jack said.
“And he’s supposed to pay you how if you drop him on his head from six stories?” Muffie-Jo said.
“Aw, I wasn’t going to really drop him,” Jack-Jack said. “He’s my brother-in-law. My sister would get real upset with me if I dropped him.”
“He’s married to your sister?” Ian said.
“Borrowed the money for her new boob job,” Jack-Jack said. “I can’t exactly take back her boobs he don’t pay me, can I?”
“Man has a point,” Ian said.
A little while later, Fubar parked the van in a vacant spot across the street from the Science Club where the group exited and stood on the sidewalk. The damage to the Science Club’s lobby was extensive, but not total. It wouldn’t take much in the way of an insurance claim to repair and replace. Window and front boarded up, a private security guard stood watch out front.
However, and this was one giant however, what interested the group far more than the destroyed Science Club’s lobby window was the fact that the Comedy Club appeared gutted while only last night it was untouched.
“What happened?” Fubar said. “It wasn’t like this last night when we left. They cleared the building, but the fire was nearly out.”
“Apparently not,” Ian said.
“Maybe it was one of those backdoor things?” Snafu suggested.
Gavin looked at the two buildings.
“What backdoor thing?” Ian said.
“Like in that movie where the firemen open a door and flames jump out in your face,” Snafu said.
“You mean Backdraft?” Ian said. “That movie?”
Gavin looked at the connecting wall between the two bu
ildings.
“I don’t know about no draft,” Snafu said. “I mean, it is winter.”
“I think I saw that movie,” Jack-Jack said. “Stars Russell Crowe.”
“No, that’s Kurt Russell,” Ian said. “And you only get a Backdraft when you open a closed door.”
“Maybe somebody opened a door?” Muffie-Jo suggested.
Everybody except Gavin looked at Muffie-Jo.
“I was a street fire, Muffie-Jo,” Ian said.
Gavin looked at the security guard across the street. “Wait here,” he said.
“It’s cold,” Muffie-Jo said. “Can we wait in the van?”
Gavin crossed the street without hearing or responding to Muffie-Jo’s question. As he approached the bored looking security guard, he said, “Say, my friends and I were looking to buy tickets to the Comedy Club, what happened?”
“Fire is what happened,” the security guard said. “Some dumb sumbitch drove his car through the window here; it caught fire and burned out the lobby.”
“And it burned through to next door?”
“That’s what they thought, but the arson squad figures the owner set the second fire himself to collect on the insurance money,” the security guard said.
“Really? How do they figure that?”
“Well, unless fire can pass through a cement wall without scorching it and reignite on the other side like magic, he’d a had to set it himself,” the security guard said.
“Well, he is a magician,” Gavin said.
“Good point.”
“I see you brought the giant along on this outing to brighten an otherwise bleary and slow afternoon,” Garko said when the group, led by Gavin, slid into an empty window booth.
“You talk funny,” Muffie-Jo said.
“He does, doesn’t he,” Ian agreed.
“My quirks and eccentricities aside, what will it be gents?” Garko said.
“What accent?” Muffie-Jo asked Ian.
“Not accent, eccentric,” Ian said. “It means…”
“Later,” Gavin said. “I’ll have a beer.”
“Same,” Ian said.
“Two unopened bottles of room temperature Jack,” Fubar said.
“With or without dust?” Garko said.
“With,” Snafu said.
“You?” Garko said to Jack-Jack.
