by Blair Holden
Because Travis will check up on me and he will do so multiple times a day. I already know that he’s looking for places closer to mine. Of course Dad offered him a place in this building, but I fear the strain in their relationship makes it difficult for my brother to accept anything from him. But I think I can lure him into renting a place in this building, tell him that any money he saves will be good for him, especially if he’s considering buying a home someday.
Ah, the responsibilities never go away.
As per my best friend’s advice, I shower and shave and get into comfortable clothes. There are a couple of Halloween parties I could possibly attend, thrown by old classmates, but I’m not interested. I feel restless about settling into the new place, and I might as well get a head start on unpacking. I should also probably call Cole at some point, but since our talk earlier this morning, I know that he’s planning on meeting up with his study group and that he’d be busy studying for the next couple of hours. Trying desperately not to miss him, I begin sorting out my things. Since the apartment is fully furnished, there’s not much to do except place my belongings around the space to make it mine. Dad’s interior designer has been in touch with me to ask my preferences, but I do love how this place looks right now, done up with shades of cream and gold with some blue accents across the place.
I spend the next couple of hours unboxing my clothes, my books, and the few decorative pieces I brought with me from Providence. The last three years, Cole and I spent making a home for ourselves, and it broke my heart just a bit to take it all apart and shove it into boxes. Cole took some things with him and I took some. The things we didn’t need, we donated to charity, but even now as I place framed photo across my new home, I can’t help but ache for what I’ve left behind, who I’ve left behind. The guilt strikes me again. I could have applied for more jobs in Chicago, I could have tried harder with my applications, but Cole knew and so did I that my heart was set on New York. It’d been a hard decision and a lot of tears were involved, but I think in the end, we both understood that it was simply time to focus on building the rest of our lives together, even if it meant that we’d be apart for some time.
I’m not sure if I’ll be in New York for the entirety of Cole’s law school degree, but for now, I feel like I’ve made the right choice, for the both of us. When we went off to college together, a lot of people, namely our parents, raised the issue that our relationship wasn’t healthy, that we needed the time apart to be our own persons. We proved them wrong, because right now even though there are hundreds of miles separating us, I’m not plagued by insecurities or worries, and I know Cole isn’t either.
We’re going to make this work.
Shaking off the melancholy, I put away my clothes making sure to leave enough space in the wardrobe for Cole’s things. I don’t know when it is that he’ll be able to visit, but even as I place a few of his t-shirts that I stole on his side of the wardrobe, I realize that it’s still not sunk in yet. I can’t see him whenever I want to, I can’t touch him, feel his skin under my own whenever I feel like it, I can’t look into his eyes and trace the lines of his face when he smiles. I can’t run my hands through his hair, I can’t wrap myself up in him when I’ve had a bad day. I can’t feel his lips against mine, and the thought devastates me.
Long-distance relationship, huh? Great idea, Tessa.
I’m so lost in my depressing musings that I don’t hear the buzzer until it’s been ringing for a few minutes. I jump, the noise completely unexpected. There are only a few people on my list which the front desk can let up and two of them have just left. I roll my eyes; Travis must have forgotten to change a light bulb and come all this way because, lord forbid, I don’t have adequate lighting. I stride toward the door, a purpose in my step. If I’m going to be living here, then Travis better start respecting my boundaries.
Throwing the door open, I say, “Travis, will you please—”
The words die on my lips. I temporarily lose the ability to form coherent sentences. My brain is too busy trying to process what’s right in front of me. My eyes bug out, my heart starts pounding, the idea that I miss him so much that I’m hallucinating that he’s here when there’s no way on earth he could’ve caught a flight today...
“Am I going mad—is that it?”
Imaginary Cole, who looks as breathtaking as real Cole, in a navy sweatshirt and jeans that fit like a dream. His face is flushed from the cold, his hair tousled by the wind. He’s got a coat hanging over one arm and a suitcase in the other hand. The look of utter joy on his face is so real that it hits me like a truck, the feeling of something crashing into your chest with so much force that you can’t breathe. He looks so absolutely real, nothing like what my imagination is capable of.
But he can’t be here, it’s not possible.
“Shortcake.” His voice is raspy, he’s slightly breathless as though he’d had to run up the stairs with suitcase in hand because the elevator isn’t working. I mean, come on, Tessa, if you’re going to conjure him up, at least give the man a working elevator.
“Do you think this is what lovesick means? You miss someone so much you go absolutely batshit crazy and start seeing things?”
He cocks his head to the side, an amused but endearing smile on his face. “You think I’m not real?”
“I think I spent a little too much time sniffing your t-shirts and it’s gone to my head. You’re supposed to be in Chicago, studying. You barely have time to breathe, let alone fly to another state. So with that reasoning, I can assume that I’m clearly losing my mind.”
“Tessie...” Imaginary Cole takes a step toward me. “It’s me.”
“But that’s not possible,” I take a step back, “I’m too young to go crazy. I haven’t even had a real job yet. There’s so much left for me to do, to see. We haven’t even discussed getting a dog yet. Do you realize how bad this is? Oh God, why am I talking to a hallucination?”
And that’s when Imaginary Cole barges in, shutting the door behind him, pulling me into his arms and kissing the life out of me. I lose my footing for a while, both literally and figuratively, but when my brain catches on that a figment of my imagination could not be kissing me with this level of toe-curling skill and intensity, I realize that Cole really is here and that I’ve been wasting precious seconds with him being an idiot.
I kiss him back and he groans, obviously happy with the fact that I’m on board with the whole, “I’m real” situation. Winding my arms around his neck, I allow him to pull me closer until there’s not an inch of space between us, and we kiss until neither of us can breathe. I haven’t seen him for nearly three weeks, since he last came to visit me in Providence. He started school back in September and it’s been full throttle from there on out. Although he only has classes three days a week, the workload he’s got means that he doesn’t have a lot of time for plane hopping.
But he’s here now and I crush myself to his body, his arms coming around my waist to secure me to him.
“What’re you doing here?” I struggle to breathe.
Cole tips my chin up to meet his gaze and kisses the underside of my jaw.
“You think I’d miss your first day here? I know you’d be nervous, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be here earlier to help you move, but I wanted to be here for you today.”
“But...but...you shouldn’t have. You have work and school, you said you had a huge workload for the weekend!”
He shrugs. “I’ll just catch up on it here.”
I tear up, because my hormones are not under my control right now. Stroking the side of his face, I lean up and place the gentlest kiss on his lips. “Have I mentioned just how much I love you?”
He grins. “Maybe, but I’d like to hear it again.”
And I tell him, repeatedly, in several different ways.
Chapter Two: A Tween Would Find It Easier to Resist Velour Tracksuit Bottoms
“You made it!” Beth is smiling from ear to ear as she greets me and Cole the ne
xt day at a cafe a couple of blocks away from my apartment.
“You seem surprised.” I lean into my boyfriend, who wraps his arm around me and tucks me into his side.
“Yeah, well, I honestly thought you would be otherwise occupied.” She winks and laughter rumbles from Cole’s chest. Beth gets up to hug him as it’s been a while since they’ve met. Since college, or rather after we left school, it’s been getting harder and harder to meet up regularly. Still, now at least I’m closer to Travis and Beth. But on the downside? Even though I’m closer to my family now, Cole is farther away than ever.
Just a few more years, I remind myself, just a few more years.
Travis gets back from getting coffees for all of us and greets Cole enthusiastically. They’ve come a long way from being two people who never really could stand each other.
“How long have you guys been planning this?” I ask, taking a sip of my sugar-loaded hazelnut macchiato.
“Since you finalized the day you were moving.” Beth grins. “What? You thought your boyfriend was getting out of doing all the heavy lifting?”
“I think all those shoes might have permanently damaged my back.” Travis groans theatrically and I chuck a napkin at him.
“Don’t worry, Tessie, I’ll take care of the rest of it and not even complain like this wuss right here.” He slides his arm around the back of my seat and in turn I shift closer to him in the booth. I’ve realized that we’ve become that very couple that I used to make fun of while ignorantly single. I’d wondered why it was that two people couldn’t bear being apart for that short while that they were in public. My naive fifteen-year-old self perhaps couldn’t see that when you’re that in love with a person, you need to have contact with them in some way possible. And it’s the smallest touches, the lingering of his hand on the small of your back, a kiss on the cheek, a caress of his fingers down your palm, all the things he does without even thinking about it that tells you that a guy is absolutely devoted to you.
I look at Cole and bite the inside of my cheek. It shouldn’t still feel like this, this crazy emotion that sweeps up inside of me whenever I think about him. What’s that they say about the honeymoon period? I’m pretty sure we’ve surpassed whatever time period you’re supposed to stay in that phase, and to be honest? I still feel as in love with him as I was five years ago. Nothing has changed for me; no feelings have diminished. If anything, with time our relationship has grown, evolved into something that I consider the most important thing in my life.
“So how long before you have to fly out?” Travis asks him and I feel his eyes on me as he asks the question. The concern he feels is palpable. I know he doesn’t like the fact that I live alone and, well, my history of self-doubt means that I’m not to be trusted to do well with long-distance relationships.
I like to think that that’s changed.
“I’m here till Monday night.” I see Cole gritting his teeth. “Technically, I don’t need to attend Tuesday’s session, but the professor’s being a hard-ass. But at least I’ll be able to see you off to your first day at work.” He grins at me and I feel a mixture of elatedness and nervousness. Work, actual adult life and responsibilities that I may or may not have been avoiding in previous years. I’d interned here and there, but imagining myself in a situation where I’d be at a desk from nine to five and be responsible for something huge, well, it gives me the slightest bit of a panic attack. The interview process had gone smoothly and I’d applied to several publishing firms, but in the end when I’d gotten a job as an assistant to a beauty magazine editor, I had of course been taken aback.
My dream job had always been to go into publishing, to find books and writers whose stories deserved to be told. I wanted to bring out the most magical and unforgettable books that would stay with the reader forever. I wanted these books to play as big a part in someone else’s life as the books I read as a child had done for me.
Now I’d be writing about lipstick; yeah, it’d been a bit of a surprise.
Realistically I knew I could work my way up, that this job is just the beginning. I could work here for some time before looking for a position elsewhere. The job itself on paper is great and could help me save up for the future, but in my head, I’m definitely walking into a Devil Wears Prada situation.
“Hey, you okay?” Cole nudges my arm slightly and breaks my thought process. I look around to see three very concerned faces.
“You’re going to be okay, Tess. Don’t tell me you’re still worried about fitting in?” Beth gives me a pointed look. She’s obviously concerned that her pep talk hasn’t worked on me.
“I spent the past couple of days subscribing to all these beauty channels on YouTube. Do you realize how complicated makeup’s gotten?” I turn to Cole. “Baking is not what Nana Stone does on Thanksgiving, it’s something you do to your face. You bake your face. How is that supposed to make sense?”
He looks slightly horrified. “Uh, so you rub flour all over your face then?”
Beth snorts. “You’re close enough. But Tess, stop worrying. There’s nothing you don’t know already, and if you don’t know, you can always Google it. That’s what I do.”
“It’s just...I never saw myself working in the beauty industry. I had to buy all these fancy clothes and work outfits when all I ever wanted to do was work in some up-and-coming publishing house where they let you come to work in sweatshirts.” I groan.
“You’ll get there, Tessie, I have faith in you.” My boyfriend rubs my back comfortingly. “But for now, you gotta bake that face.”
***
After breakfast we go our separate ways with plans for a night out tomorrow. I’m too exhausted from the previous day’s move, and I know Cole must be feeling pretty rough after his flight, so the plan is to take a quick nap before going on a date later this evening.
You say we’re boring, I say we’re in a stable relationship.
“To think, I’m slumming it in an apartment that has no heating or hot water and always smells of Chinese takeout.” He groans as he falls on my bed. I laugh and settle down next to him.
“Hey, you chose to slum it. You can afford to stay in a better area, but I have no idea why you’re doing this to yourself.”
“If I save now, we’ll be in a better position to get a place in this city. You know, a place where I don’t feel like I’m taking freebies from your dad.”
My heart warms, gosh darn it, why does he always have to say the right thing?
“I get that, you know I’m trying to save too. But if you try finding someplace, you know, where you don’t run the risk of becoming a human popsicle, I’d be able to sleep better at night.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure there’s one thing you definitely need for a good night’s sleep that you’ll be missing around here.”
“Nope, I think I’m good. I mean have you felt this mattress? And the pillows? They’re actual clouds; you wouldn’t even spend money on the good ones from IKEA.”
I’d helped him shop for some furniture online before moving and man, I think he’s really taking the whole, “save money for a New York apartment” seriously because he’d balked at the $13 price tag.
Then again, it’s the fact that he’s working so hard for us that makes me fall in love with him over and over again.
“I wish you’d let me get you some things without it turning into a huge issue.” I stare at his profile, the guilt seeping into my insides. Here I am, living the luxe life while he’s working and studying his butt off.
“You wanted to buy me a thousand-dollar bed, that was obviously going to be an issue.”
“If you stopped thinking about yourself for a minute, you’d realize that the bed was as much for me as it was for you. Now whenever I come visit you, I’ll be sleeping on the bed that’s the equivalent of being on the ground.”
“Whatever, princess, you and I both know that anything that involves you, me, and a bed won’t entail a whole lot of sleep, so how comfor
table the furniture is going to be isn’t really a prerogative.”
He gives me that wicked grin of his that gets my blood heated up and sends my heartbeat skyrocketing, yes, even five years later.
“You’re very good at changing the topic,” I tell him, my voice slightly husky. For the moment, I forget about how tired he looks, how worn down and exhausted he’s sounded over the past couple of weeks. Flying out to see me, if only for two days, is taking its toll on him, but I shove the guilt deep down because I’m not letting it ruin the time we have together. So when Cole draws me closer and kisses the life out of me, I’m thinking about him and only him and not the fact that right now, I have no idea of the kind of life he’s leading all on his own.
***
Cole passes out for hours, a whole lot of hours. As time rolls around for our dinner reservation, I forgo trying to wake him up and order some Italian for us when he does eventually get up. His phone has been going crazy the entire time he sleeps and I see it lighting up repeatedly. So even though I’m not in the habit of checking my boyfriend’s phone, I do anyway because there could be an emergency while he’s dead to the world.
The first thing I see are a bunch of messages on a group chat. The group name sounds like a class he might be taking this semester, and the texts that come up confirm my belief. There’s a bunch of people talking about some law terminologies that I’ve passingly studied in college, but more importantly, I see a couple of texts about them being upset at Cole for leaving them in the middle of a group project. I don’t get to read more because I hear footsteps behind me and Cole emerging from the bedroom.
I don’t jump or pretend that I’m not going through his messages.
“So, I’m guessing it wasn’t exactly easy for you to make this trip, was it?”
He looks adorably disheveled after the five-hour nap he’s just had. There’s still some exhaustion in his eyes and I vow to make sure he’s well rested before I send him off, but for now, we need to talk about some things.
