by Blair Holden
“I can’t risk the two of you getting what I have. No way! I know how hard you’ve worked to surprise her with this and you’ve spent so much time planning everything. So just go and make my best friend the happiest woman on the planet.” I say this while coughing my lungs out, and I bet it doesn’t quite make the right impression.
“Fine, be that way, but I’m still getting someone to check up on you.”
“Travis, you don’t have to—”
“Sorry, can’t hear you, must be bad reception in here. I’ll talk to you later, bye!”
Rolling my eyes, I toss my phone aside, contemplating turning it off. All I want to do for the next two days is catch up on some sleep and watch endless Gilmore Girls reruns. I’d been in enough control of my senses to buy a boatload of flu medication before coming home, and I’d also stocked up on takeaway menus. There’s no pressing need for me to leave my bed or my apartment for the rest of the weekend, so he could send whomever he thinks can nurse me to health.
I’ve totally got this.
Or not.
***
You may be wondering how, after my exquisite Chicago trip where you’d last seen me waltzing away in a ballgown, did I end up being this heap of a pathetic mess? Well, since coming back from seeing Cole play house with a mother-daughter duo, I’d been in less than a stellar mood. There isn’t something specifically wrong with Cole, nor did he do something that should hurt me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Something feels different, like I’m on the outside looking in on his life. There’s this weird nervous tension between us since then that’s never been there before. I could chalk it up to leading significantly different lives and having different priorities, but I never thought that long distance would get to us like it has. Maybe it’s the stress of it all and all the overthinking I’ve been doing that’s finally taking a toll on my body?
Shrugging the thoughts off, I settle into bed and resume watching the best show on earth, because there’s no one like Jess Mariano to bring you back from the brink of death. Although knowing my brother and the fact that he now knows just how sick I am, I bet my phone will start ringing in three, two, one...
“Are you okay?” Cole sounds out of breath, like he’d been running. I like to imagine that he’s running to the airport, hoping to catch a flight so that he can come to me and take care of me, but there’s such a thing as reality, and reality suggests that Cole is just as bogged down, if not more, because of school.
“Travis can be a little dramatic.” I try to make my coughing a little more discreet. “I’m totally fine.”
“You don’t sound fine, at all.” I hear his footsteps, the sound of traffic behind him, and can’t help but wonder what he’s doing out this late. From what he tells me, his life’s been reduced to attending classes, working with his study group, and late nights in the library.
Also, of course, taking care of Lainey and Melissa.
“Yeah, so I’ve heard, but you don’t need to worry. I’ve got my supplies ready for the weekend and I’ll be as good as new on Monday.”
“As much as you’d like to believe so, KitKats don’t have magical healing powers.”
“Give me a little credit, Stone, I’m not a complete stranger to a pharmacy.”
He still sounds a little skeptical to me, but even more than that, he sounds a little hurt.
“Tessie...are we okay?”
Now he wants to have this conversation? NOW, when I’m pumped up on way too much cough syrup and can hardly keep my eyes open?
Boys.
I stifle a yawn. “Of course. Why would you even ask that?”
Even though he’s so far away and even though I’m increasingly headed into drunk-slash-medicated Tessie, I can tell how much it’s taking him to put himself out there like this. The vulnerability puts a crack in my heart where there was previously anger.
“I just...I know it’s not the right time to have this conversation and I hate that I’ve put if off for so long.”
“Cole...please tell me you’re not doing this right now, not when I can’t possibly have a sane conversation.”
“I don’t want to wait.” His voice sounds urgent and I’m immediately worried at just how stressed out he sounds. For a second my worst fear comes to haunt me.
Maybe something’s changed?
Maybe he’s met someone, maybe something happened with a girl? With Melissa?
No, no, and no, I’m not letting my mind go there.
“I...we’re fine. If you think I’ve been pulling away from you, then maybe I have, but we’re always going to be okay.”
“You promise?”
“Swear on my life.”
He breathes a sigh of relief that’s so potent, it’s as if it seeps through the phone into me.
“I love you, Shortcake, forever.”
I close my eyes; a sense of peace washes over me.
“I love you too.”
And then it all fades to black.
***
“She’s okay...yes, I’m here, no, I haven’t but...would you stop shouting for a second there, Cole Grayson Stone!”
I come to my wits with a dizzying amount of disorientation, the kind where you struggle to place yourself or remember what day, month, or even year it is. I almost jump in fright, away from whoever has forcefully entered my home, but even in my current state of semi-consciousness, I know that the voice is familiar.
“She’s waking up. I’ll call you when I’ve got more to tell.”
Cassandra.
Oh boy, I’m going to kill Cole.
Trying not to envision the state of my apartment, I let Cassandra gently lift me up so that I’m sitting upright against the headboard of my bed. My head still feels fuzzy, my body just as exhausted and in pain. There’s light outside my window now, telling me that it’s probably the day after, and somehow my boyfriend’s stepmother is inside my apartment when it certifiably looks like a dump.
“Hey,” she says gently and I find it in me to return a tentative smile.
I like to think that we’re in a better place now than we were three years ago, but things never went back to the way they used to be between us. I’ve avoided any one-on-ones with her since the last one turned out to be such an epic disaster, and Cassandra’s never tried to mend our relationship past a certain point either, so we’re both happy coexisting in our truce of sorts.
Which makes this moment as awkward as one would expect.
“Hi.” I press my back firmly against the headboard, wishing I could disappear. Surely I look like hell puked all over me, and when I’m with people who’re generally not that fond of me, I try not to look like the aftermath of being poisoned by alcohol.
“So you gave us all quite the scare.”
I shake my head. “I don’t even know what happened. The last thing I remember is talking to Cole and I must have fallen asleep.”
“You passed out from the medicine and dehydration.” She checks my forehead. “High fever as well. Luckily, I was already on my way to the city for a conference when Cole called me. I don’t think he’s managed to get any sleep since you hung up on him yesterday.”
I wince and try not to take it personally. Maybe it’s just me and maybe I’m reading too much into things, but it’s like despite everything that’s happened, Cassandra still finds small ways to make me feel guilty about my relationship with Cole. I don’t know where her head’s at or why she still thinks I’m enemy number one, but the kind of passive-aggressiveness she brings into my life is exactly that kind I’ve spent years trying to get away from.
I clear my throat, ignoring the immediate burning sensation it causes. “I told him I’d be fine,” I manage to croak out.
“Doesn’t seem like that’s happening, so maybe it’s a good thing I dropped by. I have to say I’m impressed by the security at this place; it took me mentioning all my medical credentials to convince them I was here to treat you.”
This seems more like a
n ambush than her just checking up on me, and I have a pretty good idea how this happened. My boyfriend is nothing if not a chronic worrier and must have told Cassandra about the spare key hidden underneath a plant pot outside the door.
I let her do her thing, considering she’s a doctor and I’d like to be well enough to go back to work tomorrow. She gets me to take a few different medicines, takes away the ones I don’t need, and makes sure I drink plenty of water. But not once do I feel comfortable with the situation, and I’m hoping and praying that she leaves soon so that I can call Cole and yell at him.
Bet she’d hate that and blame me for ruining his life.
“You’re still pretty sick,” Cassandra tells me once she’s made sure I’ve eaten enough of my toast. “Maybe I should stay—”
“No!” I cut her off and then turn beet red, or as red as I can turn when I look corpselike. Trust me, Cassandra made me take a shower and what I saw in the mirror would haunt me for days.
“I mean, you’re obviously here for work and I wouldn’t want to...”
“Either I get to check up on you regularly or Cole barges in that door, not caring that he’s got exams in a couple of weeks.” She raises an expertly defined brow. “Take your pick.”
Blackmail, nice.
“Look, I don’t understand why everyone’s making this out to be such a big deal. It’s the flu, everyone gets it, and if a two-year-old can live with it, so can I. I’m not—”
“He feels guilty that you’re out here on your own, I can tell.”
Ah, again. I shake my head in disbelief, wondering what on earth gave her the impression that she can come to my home, pretend to care about me, and then go right back to making me feel bad about my relationship with Cole. It worked for her before, when she tried talking for Cole, as though she knows the ins and outs of what goes on in his head, and I let it get to me.
Now, though, horrible as I feel, I don’t think I’m going to give her the opportunity to make me feel small.
“Dr. Stone, while I appreciate the fact that you’re always so concerned about Cole, and I’ll make sure to tell him that,” her eyes flash with anger, “but with all due respect, our relationship is not up for discussion.”
She grimaces and then nods. “I understand.”
“And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me today, but I hope you understand that I won’t let anyone make me feel guilty for being with Cole, not again.”
“Right.”
And that’s that.
***
I spend Saturday recuperating and not at all feeling bad about how I treated Cassandra. Naive, young, and a freshman at college Tessa may have allowed her to walk all over her but not me. If Cole has a problem with our relationship or if he’s struggling with his feelings in any way, then mommy dearest shouldn’t be the one who’s coming and complaining about it.
I regain enough strength to pull myself together and throw on some clothes other than pajamas. Slapping on some makeup, I think about venturing out but then shudder at the thought of it. And then it all crashes down on me, just how lonely it is for me to be here. I may have a big apartment and all the luxuries I could ever ask for, but does any of that even matter when I’m constantly on my own?
I groan, falling back into bed, since even standing up for more than five minutes gets my head spinning. I hate the directions my thoughts are taking, and I know it’s partly because I’ve been cooped up inside without any human contact, or, well, preferable human contact for a while. If only I could go out, meet with some friendly, familiar faces, I’d be okay.
Only there aren’t any familiar faces in this city, not friendly ones, that is, and maybe that’s my problem. I think about going home for the weekend but I don’t want to put a damper on Travis and Beth’s weekend. If things go according to plan, I’m going to be on the receiving end of a very exciting phone call, and I cross my fingers for both of them that nothing ends up messing this up, least of all me.
It’s when I’m contemplating life and thinking about getting some goldfish and maybe a cactus that I get a call from the lobby, telling me that I’ve got a visitor. That in itself is a surprise because I don’t know anyone who’d come to visit me, but the surprise and curiosity become even more magnified when I’m told who it is that’s come to see me.
“Uh, sure, please send him up.”
Well, isn’t today turning out to be quite the day for unexpected visitors.
I fix myself up the best I can while trying to appear as though I haven’t tried too hard. I glance down at my outfit, not caring that I’m in a pair of sweatpants and one of Cole’s U of Chicago hoodies because at least they’re freshly laundered and my hair’s clean.
Those, my friends, are the important things.
On cue, I hear a subtle knock on the door and with some trepidation I go to answer it. Part of me knows nothing good could possibly come from this visit, while the other part rolls her eyes at my juvenile thoughts. I’m not in high school anymore, none of us are, we’re all civilized adults capable of making good decisions, so spending time with him shouldn’t be a problem.
Then why do I think that this is a bad decision?
It could potentially be.
“Hey.” I open the door to a blinding smile, in the sense that the guy really needs to cut back on the teeth-whitening strips. But indeed there he is, dressed like he’s headed to the country club in his dress shirt and neatly pressed slacks.
I cross my arms across my chest, perhaps a little defensively. “Two Stones in one day? What did I do to deserve the honor?”
He shrugs. “You made my brother think you were dying, so he had to rally the forces.”
“Hard to believe he’d send you.”
Jay chuckles. “He didn’t send me, I mean we’re working on our relationship, but it’s not quite gotten to the point where he thinks I deserve to be in your company.”
“Cassandra then?”
“She told me how she acted toward you and trust me, she feels bad about it.”
I refrain from rolling my eyes or shouting, for that matter, and do that mature, adult thing and invite him in.
He whistles as I close the door behind him. “Nice place.”
“Thanks, my dad paid for it.” I’m obviously not in a good mood and the poor guy’s going to be on the receiving end of it.
He sighs then gestures toward the couch. “Why don’t you sit down? I was sent here to make sure you’re okay, not to irritate you.”
“It’s not your fault...I’m just really cranky when I’m sick.”
He laughs. “I can see that.” He sits down next to me but keeps a respectable amount of space between the two of us. I take a moment to study him, noting how his golden boy looks do nothing for me now. Blonde hair, blue eyes, an unbroken nose, and a sunny disposition all seem rather bland to me. It’s funny how things change, isn’t it?
“Look, my coming here was purely out of concern for you and not because of Mom. If it’s bothering you, then I can leave; obviously, you’re feeling better.”
That tells me the guy’s still got the perceptiveness of roadkill.
“So you just happened to be in the city?”
“That’s actually a funny story,” his laugh is a nervous one, “and I don’t think it’s one I got the chance to tell either you or Cole.”
“Uh huh, that sounds...strange. What’s the story, and will it really make me laugh?”
“It potentially could; depends how you choose to see it.”
“Spill it, Jason, I haven’t got all day.”
“Igotajobinnewyork,” he says hurriedly and all jumbled up, and I strain my ears to make out the words but I think I hear enough.
“You said what now?”
“I have a new job starting Monday and it just so happens to be here, so you know I’ll be here, a lot.”
I stare at him, unblinking.
Despite playing baseball through college, Jay surprised all of us by deciding not to go pro. I
nstead he made use of his marketing degree and ended up getting a job in a high-rolling firm where he’d interned the year before. Last I heard, he’d been achieving milestone after milestone where he worked in California, so to hear...
“My firm’s setting up their offices here and they wanted me to be the lead on a new project. It’s an amazing opportunity for someone still so new in the industry and I couldn’t pass it up,” he says as though he owes me an explanation, and I tell him that he doesn’t.
“That’s...that’s wonderful! Congratulations.” The sentiments are accompanied by the cough from the black death.
“Thanks,” he says, almost shyly. “I know it’s hard for you to be here, without Cole, and I know that you’ve got Travis and Beth, but they’re obviously a bit further out. I don’t want you to think I’ve got any ulterior motives here, but Tessa...I’m always here if you need a friend.”
You might have heard the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
That, my friends, is a theory we’re about to test out.
Chapter Nine: Nothing Screams Platonic Like Being Able to Discuss Facial Hair
Here’s the truth about being in a long-term relationship, and it’s not going to be full of rainbow sprinkles and magical unicorn glitter. The fact is, relationships are hard even if you’re madly in love with your significant other. It takes time, tears, and a whole lot of work for two people to be able to stay together over a certain amount of time. You’re going to disagree, you’re going to want to and probably will throw things at one another, and there will be times when you just want to quit.
But you don’t because in the end you realize that you’d rather chop off your right arm than be without that person.
Cole is my person, I know that from the depths of my soul, but would I say that being with him or that our relationship so far has been easy? No, because if I did, I’d be a liar. It’s taken us a lot to get where we are, and even that place is rocky. I fell in love with him when I was seventeen years old, maybe even earlier, and now at twenty-two I’m still very much in love with him, but things have changed, we’ve evolved as people. Different things tend to cause a rift between us and different things help settle our problems. But there’s one thing that’s remained constant and it always will be, so take notes, folks. No matter how long you’ve been together, a week or a decade, always know that unless and until you’re completely honest with your partner, things aren’t going to work, simple as that. Lies eventually catch up with you, they poison your relationship and make something wonderful turn ugly. So if you find yourself constantly avoiding the truth in front of your partner, always making excuses or, you know, practicing that wonderful thing that is lying by omission, know that nothing good or long term can come of it.
