by Blair Holden
That he’s fallen out of love with me.
My mind did not go there at all. I never stopped to think about our own relationship, the current dynamics of it, and have spent hours analyzing what kind of things Mel is blackmailing Cole with to have him at her beck and call. Maybe I need to step back a little and take a good look at us.
No.
Leila’s wrong, because that’s the downside of her being a stranger, she doesn’t know me or Cole at all, and the things she’s just said about our relationship? It’s so far from the truth that I almost find myself laughing for the first time in days. But hey, it’s a good thing I talked to her, because at least now I know what exactly I don’t need to speculate over.
I think it’s time to call off that DNA test.
As the workday winds down, I find myself thinking about Cole and about how to move forward from this point on. I’m angry, so angry at him, but I know that if only he’d tell me what it is that ties him to Mel and her daughter, that I could try to understand. He’s a good guy, one of the best, and I’m sure that when he saw a young mother in need, he went out of his way to help her out. Lainey, from what little I’ve seen of her, seems to be a cute kid. Cole, being the kind-hearted soul that he is, must not be able to say no to her. But the fact that he’d just refuse to have any kind of conversation with me about them is what stuns me. That he’d bail on me during our weekend, which I’d planned so tediously so that we could spend time together, for another woman, drives me up the walls. The fact that he apologizes, but when I ask him to tell me what happened that night, he completely walls up, fuels my anger, so I’ve decided that unless and until he rethinks his priorities, he can go have a grand old time with his neighbors.
“So what are you going to do now?” Leila asks as we’re slipping on our coats and getting ready to head out. Surprisingly, despite the bad advice, she’s been willing to lend me an ear and be my sounding board. But there’s not much I have to tell. I’m here, Cole’s back at school, and there’s a huge wreck of unspoken words and regrets wedged between the two of us.
“I’m not sure, but I do know that I need some time to cool off.”
The elevator descends, and absentmindedly I check my phone, skipping the texts from my friends who’re worried I might be descending into a deep, unescapable despair, but really, that’s so circa 2012. I might be hurting but life goes on, and sometimes on this wild ride called life, you run into the most unexpected people, like Leila, for example.
“Do that. Don’t let him think that you’re weak and that he can treat you however he likes and you’ll sit back and take it. Better yet, make him jealous so that he doesn’t think he’s the only one with a sidepiece.”
“Mel isn’t...sidepiece is so offensive I can’t even.”
The cold December wind ambushes us as we step out of the building, our heels clicking on the ground. “Besides, I don’t do mind games. We’ll talk about this like normal, rational adults just as soon as I don’t feel like driving a Basilisk fang through Melissa.”
“That sounds painful.”
“Oh, it is.”
“But think about it...” She stops midsentence as something catches her eyes, and the sound that comes out of her mouth can only be described as a purr.
“Oh, who is that?”
I follow her line of sight to see a man leaning against the building that houses our office. But he isn’t any man, and the fact that Leila’s melting into a muddle right next to me does not bode well for our somewhat-delicately established peace.
Why is Jay loitering outside of my office? When did he become a loiterer?
When he spots the two of us, he begins walking in our direction. From the look of his still-immaculate suit, he must have just gotten off work, and I know that the expensive-looking designer briefcase in his hand has a large part to do with just how much my coworker is panting.
“Oh my God, he’s coming this way. Oh my God, how do I look? Does this dress make my stomach look bloated? I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bag of kale chips for lunch.”
I swat her on the arm. “Hold on to your dignity, woman, it’s just Jay.
“You know him?” She hisses as he comes closer, “Introduce me now!” She grips my arm tightly, long, pointed fingernails digging into my skin.
“I will if you could just stop cutting off my blood circulation.” She removes her hand, puffs out her chest, and fluffs her hair when a poor, unsuspecting Jason Stone reaches us. I’d have thought that he’d seek me out sooner following last week’s fiasco, but to his credit, this is the first time he’s tried finding me, and it’s about as awkward as you would expect.
“Hey.”
Beside me, Leila is buzzing with energy and the need to sink her claws into her next victim.
“Fancy seeing you here. Do you often hang outside of people’s workplaces?”
He shrugs. “I knew you wouldn’t answer my calls or texts, so I thought we could get some food, maybe share an Uber home?”
Cole would hate that, he would hate the access that Jay has to my life and the fact that he can come pick me up after work, take me out to dinner, and make sure my thoughts don’t get the better of me. Instead, he’s playing family in another state and I’m stuck with Jay.
“Aren’t you going to introduce us, Tessa?”
Right, my utter silence in wake of Jay’s invitation has made the moment awkward and Leila dives right in.
“This is Leila, we work together. This is Jay, we went to high school together, and he’s kind of my boyfriend’s brother.”
I’m sure there have been more animated introductions in the history of introductions, but when all you want to do is go home, get into your pajamas, and watch videos of cats dancing on YouTube, matchmaking isn’t your priority. Besides, I don’t think Jay’s particularly into Leila. He has a type and usually goes for gullible weaklings who’ll worship the ground he walks on. Leila would eat him alive but hey, if she wants to have a go at him, why not?
“Hey.” She extends her hand and I see Jay’s eyes go wide when he reciprocates and Leila grips his hand a little too tight. “Oh, so you’re from that cute little town as well? Tessa was just showing me pictures. It’s so quaint.” She giggles as though she hasn’t called my town a shithole every chance she’s had.
“Hi, yeah, we grew up together.”
She wrinkles her nose in distaste. “That’s...cute. But you live here now?” She’s trying to salvage the situation and make sure that her possible future husband doesn’t live in a hick town. I’ve tried telling her that my town is home to some of the richest families in the country and that’s the only fact she’s managed to retain. Plus, Jay looks like such an investment banker cliché that Leila must be salivating at the thought of all those trust funds.
Still, I do think I like the woman.
“Just moved here for work a couple of weeks ago. It’s good to be back near friends again.” He looks at me meaningfully and I think Leila scowls.
“I bet you must know a lot about my friend Tessa here. I’ve gotten to know her so well these last few weeks, but you’d have the real dirt, right?” She giggles again and it makes my ears hurt. Is this what she’s reducing herself to? Blatantly lying and demeaning herself enough to call me a friend? I roll my eyes. Jay ducks the question, but she tries making a few more efforts to engage him in conversation, but we’re standing in the middle of a crowded street with people rushing to get home or to the bar, depending on the kind of day they’ve had so far, so now’s really not the time for polite conversation.
“Yeah, so, I don’t know about the two of you, but I’d really like to get home and order a large pizza.”
Jay seems relieved, Leila angry.
“Well, I’ll let you guys go, but how about you bring Jay to my party this Saturday?”
I’m confused and about to ask her what party, except the pity-themed one that I’ve been attending the entire week, could she possibly be talking about. “You know, I just sent you
an evite to that. It’s a small, intimate gathering at my home, and you should definitely come with Tessa.”
She tilts her head as if threatening me to go along with her bed of lies or else she’d make my life more miserable than how much she already does.
“Yes, party, Saturday. You should come with me?” I turn to Jay and he acquiesces. Poor guy, he seems lost in a confusing mess of estrogen. But by agreeing to go to this newly thought-out party, he’s put Leila at ease and makes a run for it before she’s even done dictating her number to him, which she insists he puts in his phone.
On our way to a hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant, he actually begins laughing, and I think he’s having a little hysterical meltdown, because that tends to happen after you first meet Leila. But when he doesn’t stop, I have to intervene.
“Are you high?”
“What? No!” He wipes actual tears from his eyes.
“Then what’s so funny?” We’re greeted at the door of a Chinatown restaurant by the lovely couple who run the place, and although Jay and I have told them multiple times that they don’t need to play the mood music or put the candles on our table, they still seem to think that we’re in the middle of an angsty love affair. I think Mrs. Xiang has a whole backstory for us, which explains why she gets all giddy and enthusiastic whenever we show up. Today we’re given a private table for two, so that we have minimum interruptions, as she kindly informs me. We place our orders and then it’s just the two of us.
“This is weird, right?”
“So weird?” He’s still got a huge smile on his face, eyes secretive and playful.
“What is it? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?”
“No,” he laughs, “your teeth are perfectly fine. It’s just that...I can’t believe you came all the way to New York, four years of college later, to end up...”
“What?”
Another Nicole.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here.” I really don’t.
He looks incredulous, like I’m missing something that’s right in front of me. “You don’t see it?”
“Stop talking in riddles, or do you magically turn into a fortune cookie when you’re near Asian cuisine?”
He huffs, “Your friend Leila—”
“She is not my friend. Some days I won’t even consider her my fellow human. She straddles the line between barely human and a man-eating cobra most days.”
“Okay, so this acquaintance of yours, do you realize she has an uncanny resemble to your former best friend and my ex who shall not be named?”
“Nicole and I are okay. I liked her Facebook status the other day, but then again it was basically her saying that she was tired of her saddlebags.”
Serves her right for making fun of my hard-earned excess fat.
“You need to pat yourself on the back for going out there and finding someone just like her then.”
I think about it and realize that he makes a valid point. The weird, we’re-civil-but-she-kind-of-hates-my-guts-but-still-can’t-leave-me-alone kind of thing that I’ve got going on with Leila is oddly similar to my relationship with Nicole.
Huh, I think, much like Jay, I’ve got a type as well.
“She was tripping on her own two feet to get you to ask her out. She really must be like Nicole. Why do we always fall for the toxic and vapid mean girl, Jay?” I ask dramatically and he shudders.
“My days of toxic and vapid are done. Girls like Nicole and Leila? They corrode your insides and by the time they’re gone? You’re half the person you started out as.”
“Wow, sounds rough.”
He chugs down the beer they just brought out. “It was.”
We’re quiet as our food arrives and pensive as we dig in. There’s a lull in the conversation as Jay gears toward asking me about Cole. I haven’t made it easy for him, though. Whenever there’s even an inkling of him talking about the weekend, I change the topic. So far, I’ve made him agree to going to Leila’s party on Saturday because unless I drag him to it, she’s not going to stop. And I’d rather not be worrying about my coffee being poisoned while I’m at work for the foreseeable future.
He insists on paying the bill when it arrives and I insist that he shoves that regressive notion back where it came from. We end up splitting the amount, and Mrs. Xiang seems crushed that we still haven’t managed to end our little spat. She kisses my cheeks as we leave, making me promise to give the “good boy” another chance. I humor her and tell her that he’s been lying to me and that he’s getting really friendly with a girl at work recently.
She holds on to both of my hands and whispers in that gentle voice of hers, “If you love him, you will do everything in your power to make it work. Love, if it’s true and honest, doesn’t disappear when things get difficult. You have to look after it, nurture it like a living, breathing thing. Understand, dear?”
I’m spellbound. Her hypnotic voice has reached out to a part of me that I’d locked away, and although she doesn’t know me or know my story, remember what I said?
Sometimes strangers give the best advice.
***
When I get home, I do the math and then look at my schedule. My boss, Amy, has been in a good mood lately, probably because we’ve absolutely knocked the spring issue out of the park, landing the supermodel Kardashian on the cover and all.
So when I email Amy, I’m quite hopeful. She might either agree, be completely okay with it, or I might find myself unemployed. Although she’s been surprisingly non-tyrant-like to work with, recently she’s been acting a little cagey. There have been lots of secretive meetings going on behind closed doors and I have a feeling something big is up. As long as they’re not planning on getting rid of me, I’ll be fine, because unemployment on top of everything else that’s been going on would just be too much, even for me. I speculate over it, wondering if Starbucks will hire me while I desperately attempt to find another job in this saturated market, but I’m put out of my misery surprisingly quickly when she responds and gives me the go-ahead. Apparently my wallowing at work has been making her consider giving me some time off to deal with my problems. Great, not fired, but just considered pathetic. She specifically tells me to keep my emails open and that if she saw me for one more day staring tearfully into my coffee, she was going to drive me to her therapist herself and even foot the bill.
Nice to see that I’ve got such a caring boss.
But with Amy’s blessing, I jump into action. I’m determined and not thinking too much about the future or considering the what-ifs. Right now, I need to act and that I do. With a few clicks, the travel arrangements are made and I cancel my midnight pizza order for a much better cause.
***
“You’re crazy.” Cami hisses at me but as much as she’d like to, she can’t attack me through the phone.
“Not that I’m nervous or anything, but if I were, you’d really make me regret calling you,” I hiss right back as I wait for the car I booked to show up. I took the first flight I could find and as a result I’m walking through a reasonably empty O’Hare at three in the morning. Those who were unfortunate like me to be traveling through the night, chug their coffees and bury their heads in their iPads.
I’d called Cami because I knew she would be up studying right now, but had I known what a Negative Nelly she was going to be, I’d sooner have called Megan.
“I’m all for grand gestures, and any other day, I’d be cheering you on from the sidelines, waving giant-ass pom-poms as you fly hundreds of miles to get to your boyfriend, but when said boyfriend has been acting like a major douchebag? Yeah, I’m not on board at all.”
My hearts sinks because of course in the thrill of the moment, I didn’t really stop to consider my options. I’d been driven by the words of the nice lady who ran my favorite Chinese restaurant and made my favorite Kung Pao chicken. I’d repeated those words to myself as I rushed to get to Cole, but now that I’m actually in his city, self-doubt comes flooding back
.
“Oh no, what have I done?” I cry, and instead of heading out the gate, I end up heading to the Starbucks inside. Maybe I should go back right now. Cole will never know that I came, and perhaps that’s what’s best. Perhaps I should let him come to me and just...
“Stay calm, Tessa, stay calm. You’re already there, so don’t do anything rash. Are you sitting down somewhere right now?”
“Yeah, I’m at Starbucks.” I longingly stare at the racks upon racks of pastries that they’re just bringing out and decide that the least I could do for myself is stuff my face full of a few flaky almond croissants.
“Get yourself some food while I’m on the phone and let’s regroup. We got this.”
And so in the middle of the night while most people in the country are fast asleep, I have Coach Cami in my ear, talking me through my incoming panic attack.
***
Unlike my initial plan, I don’t go straight to Cole’s and instead get myself a room in the best hotel in the area for the next three days. If I’m here, I might as well treat myself, right? I’d be missing work tomorrow, but Amy had been quite understanding and, in her email, had added that I desperately needed the time off.
So that’s exactly what I do.
I order myself some room service and run a hot bath. I’m exhausted and there’s only so much I could accomplish at this time, so it’s best to take a nap. I don’t even charge my phone; here’s hoping the world doesn’t end as I sleep. With food in my belly and freshly washed hair, I don the comfiest hotel-provided robe and fall into a bed that swallows me whole.
Ah, bliss.
Tomorrow, I take on the world, today I just rest, because God knows I’ve been crying myself to sleep enough nights.
***
My first official day in Chicago starts off well, with room service fit for a queen. I chill out, watch some TV, and catch up on my emails. The urgency from yesterday is gone but there’s still a determination to get things done. I wear clothes that make me feel good about myself, namely my most worn pair of skinny jeans that I know Cole is a fan of and a gray, ribbed, V-neck sweater that fits me just right and does incredible things for my boobs. The weather demands that I throw on a wooly coat and scarf but I don’t sacrifice my shoe game, opting for unpractical and painful, thigh-high boots with a chunky heel. I spend some time on my hair and makeup and when I feel like I don’t look like the bottom of a shoe anymore, I head outside for my first day of exploring.
