“Finally deign to answer? Big of you,” Ella said flatly. Her image was perfectly blank, perfectly pretty and perfectly deceiving.
“Got a job soon,” I cut her off. I shoved off the side the mattress. My boots snapping against floor.
“What?” That was the thing about Ella; work came first no matter what. She needed no protection. This bitch was a snake in the grass and good at her job – subterfuge and strategy being her speciality. Combat and telekinesis was a powerful combination too. She was the only female on my team and the only member who never met at Vince’s Vendetta. Ella was above fraternizing with unit members personally. I really liked that about her.
I told her about the GMT leaks, the auction.
“Could be bad news,” she agreed. “But it ain't gonna get you out of an ear bashing,” she smiled eerily. Her sweet blonde hair and fine features an enigma; Ella was hard and focused.
Her cat like features pinched venomously.
“What the FUCK did you do to make Delilah leave?”
I made to answer but never got around to it. “You priggish, narcissistic, inflated pig of a man! She has allowed you to hold her back and limit her for years - Stars know why,” Ella rolled her eyes, “I wouldn’t have, though I will be sure to buy a ticket to your next tiff. That girl is going to rip you from here to next week. I’ll smile through it, you know that?”
“I’ve got a fair idea,” I agreed.
“So what did you do?” her eyes scrunched suspiciously.
“How the fuck am I supposed to know? She won’t talk to me and she left without telling me. As far as I know I haven’t done a thing.” I lied. Lied so well even Ella could only wonder if I was capable of one.
“That’s it then,” Ella declared.
“That’s what, then El?” I sighed.
“She’d given herself a time limit for you to shape up. You didn’t; she left. I’m proud of the girl,” she explained happily.
“You would be you slag,” I said, invoking just enough affection to portray a friendly bond, allowing her a belief in whatever she wished.
Ella laughed. “Carne you’re a fucking idiot sometimes. A well meaning idiot but still…”
“I told myself that recently,” I admitted honestly, surprising myself.
“The time apart will do you good. Don’t sulk like a woman, it’s unbecoming of our team leader,” she advised.
“That time is finite,” I said.
“You’ll see her soon enough, if we’re heading her way for the GMT job,” Ella said. “And you better pull it together and back down from her like a scared fuckin’ kitten when she growls.”
“I’ll not-” I was cut off again.
“You will or you won’t see that girl again and I wont blame her. Not one fuckin' iota,” Ella promised.
Delilah
Traipsing up our grimy communal stairs, I felt so much heavier than normal. Shopping was something akin to bleeding out from a gunshot wound to the thigh and struggling to get to the pick-up destination before passing out from blood loss: give me a week before I feel the urge to go through it again.
I was decidedly ignoring that freakish bout of TK -itis. And if it never reared its head again I wouldn’t miss it. It hadn’t all day but the suspense left a sense of urgency and it gouged my attention.
Lolly and I rounded the corner on our landing, food shopping bags in arm.
“Didn’t they say they couldn’t deliver until tomorrow?” I asked, surprised to see my doorway blocked.
Lolly lifted her chin over her grocery bag to see the life-size boxes jamming the width and length of the hall in front of my door.
“Maybe the hip, sway and dip I performed for your benefit did work,” she did a re-run, swivelling her hips and dipping to reveal epic cleavage.
“Uh-huh, that was for my benefit,” I added derisively.
“Hey, I needed an excuse. You were the closest one available. Where were you’re eyes? He was smokin!” She licked her fingertip, making a sizzling noise.
“Uh-huh.” No, actually I hadn’t noticed.
“We have got to find you something gorgeous to manhandle,” Lolly laughed. Mostly, I think because she was picturing me manhandling some poor shmuck.
I read the delivery docket taped to the largest box. And mewled. I drowned the pathetic sound with a growl even as my lips needled to numbness and I zoned out.
“What? What is it?” Lolly harped.
“Ah. Nothing. Just a present from home.” I mumbled, stalking into my apartment fighting a jellied backbone.
Lolly inspected the gifts. “Fucking Stars, is that comforter covered in real silk? Even I wouldn’t know where to find that! Who sent it? Bet it was your mum, huh?”
“Mmm?” I asked despondently. Why did I think he wouldn’t find me? “Oh, yeah. My Mum.” No, it hadn’t been Ava.
“No it wasn’t, you little tart!” Lolly disagreed happily, holding up a tag that had been taped to the box she’d squatted at to rifle through.
“Deli-Flower. Get some sleep. C,” she read loudly. Lolly suddenly tumbled over backwards, as her heels toppled and she lost balance. She landed flat on her arse with her legs outspread.
Served her right. I swiped the damned evidence out of her hand while she was down.
Her voice followed me into the apartment. “Oh no, Missy. You can’t run off after that without details!” she banged her hip as she shuffled past the largest box blocking half the door while trying valiantly not to drop the box of linen. She wasn’t letting go of that silk.
“Who’s C?” She nagged. When I scowled, the best I had, she laughed and began a sing-song while I began to unpack the groceries into the sun yellow cupboards at eye level in the kitchen.
“Deli-Flower has a lover, Deli-Flower can’t tell her mother. Oh what to do? Deli has a lover! Da-DA- Di” she mocked me sarcastically.
“So, who is he?” she twirled before falling lightly on my couch. Maybe she was on drugs? Eupho was trafficked nearly as much as food these days.
No. No one could be so annoying on Eupho. I swiped my chocolate bangs out of my face and contemplated a lie.
“Don’t lie,” she ordered, head turned away from me as she fingered the material in her possession.
I faulted. “Mind-reading?” I scoffed.
“Maybe,” she looked over her shoulder at me. I stared.
“You should see you face!” she joked it off but I’d forever be suspicious. My abilities came from somewhere. Some advanced human gene. Lolly telepathic? Absurd.
Chapter Fifteen
“Spit it out, already. Honesty is the best policy,” she advised.
Honestly, I didn’t know how to describe my relationship with Carne. He owned me in a way no one should possess a person. He showed no ego to the world, no great emotion to anyone, but I kept quarters in his mind, a very small place I used to hide from the same world he showed a mask.
Disturbingly, his ego came second to me in that lightless place. Behind the mask was a focused cold darkness that placed me very carefully within it’s lofty cloud, at it’s very peak. That place of priority concealed my own depravity.
The placement was self-serving no matter how I benefited. Carne was the epitome of overbearing no matter how well meaning. It’s scale could not be compared.
If my life was simply filled with a man possessive of my time, who sheltered and restrained me when I needed to breathe, then perhaps I’d have stayed home; stood my ground, refused to allow his wants to overshadow my needs but the extent was so much more ensnared than that.
He owned me.
How corrosive that one thought always proved to be and how altogether relieving.
He proved it whenever he confused my train of thoughts as dangerous. I was surveyed at all times. He missed nothing from his front row seat in my mind. I’d think, Stars, I want to kill that idiot! And that frightening boulder would roll over me, plunging me deep into an inescapable sink hole. Buried. Again.
“Gaol Keeper,” I told Loll
y, conveniently forgetting that I considered Carne my one trusted confidant. I pushed away teenage memories, curled up in his bed, military corners so tight we were encapsulated under those covers, talking about the world and our place in it.
Carne always considered me, whether it was his future, retrieval of breakfast or constructive critique while sparring. He opened doors, cushioned my falls and took bullets for me, literally. While I have done the same for him in that department, I evaded constantly distancing myself from him emotionally - but Carne had learned to hunt better than I had to hide.
It started in my early teens. I’d never wanted to see who Carne really was to me, because if I looked deep enough I’d find an answer. One I wouldn’t like and one he’d accepted during childhood. Though he did go through his own phase of denial in his late teens, he got over it relatively quickly. Too late and not late enough I realised how precious I was to him and what he would mean to my future. And that future had already begun.
I was stationed/gaoled at home in communications instead of leading a team. I champed at the bit; my tantrums came in the guise of silence and sparring brutally. Those moods were monumental and lasted months. Nothing changed though. Carne escorted me on sparse missions and eventually, even those stopped. The ones he knew about anyway.
I wasn’t even sure how the rumours started but they definitely attributed to me. I wasn’t comfortable with the intangible no-name. I wasn’t comfortable yet with the missions Spartan sent me on, but I’d continue eventually. I despised that I was so frail and distracted while escaping Onyxeal. The task took all my will power right now, I didn’t trust myself yet not to fall into routine and await Carne’s return. Desperate and frantic for the scent of him to cover me again.
I missed the purpose though. While the missions were bloodthirsty and etched away at me, I held my ground, rebelled and took more. They had given me reason and identity. Separate from him.
Pain is temporary.
Spartans betrayal punched my one yearning goal, the one I’d once opened myself to tell him of. The one Carne had vowed to keep above the monkey bars.
Fooled and asinine, I loathed who I’d become.
I’d sequestered certain information in the furthest reaches of my psyche. From myself and Carne. I was learning and I’d hide Spartan’s missions from Carne indefinitely if I could, but if he ever went searching I’d never be able to stop him. Distance helped. Distance helped many things.
Our sexual relationship was co dependant, violent and intrusive. It was also a treasure I had trouble letting go of. But, lately I was too angry with myself for allowing him the authority he’d slowly gained over me. It was only our biological closeness that drove me to want. I was trapped with him and I knew it. Worse, he knew it.
Wasn’t I entitled to a few years of my long life without his constant supervision? Of him constantly seeing to my needs?
I could admit to myself many things. Among them that Carne wasn’t the sole reason I left, although the guilt trips he laid on thick with the ‘time to grow up Delilah’ speeches were tiring. I blamed myself mostly. I betrayed myself every time I gave in and slept with him. I blamed myself for not seeing the lie Carne hid to keep me at Base or the one Spartan blatantly kept in front of my face.
I’d changed that now. I’d left… but those damn lectures on responsibilities snuck up on me constantly.
Yes, I delayed the inevitable. Yes, I realised the teams would pass to Carne and I when his parents retired. Yes, I identified with the world’s problems. Did that mean I empathized? Not if I didn’t fuckin’ have to. Had I asked for an arranged partnership? No.
I fight my empathy so hard. I experience the constant barrage of the emotional turmoil of others but it does not affect my emotions. I inspect the sentiments, wrestle the emotion and the mindsets of others but I force myself separate. I am apart. I must for sanity’s sake, which is why I suspect my anger at Carne maddens me. I shouldn’t feel. I shouldn’t care. But I do.
Even as I think that ‘sanity’ is mine, it is stolen from me. Carne gave me that sanity.
Without him, I’d be nothing but an engine for the world’s emotions.
“Ah,” she nodded while happily rummaging and I was mind fucking myself. Again.
“Got one of them. My brother,” her lip curled, yuck. Thugs-in-suits came to mind. No wonder she hid in her apartment. Lolly’s situation might just rival mine. At least Carne was on another continent or had been for the past eight months. I confessed to myself that to leave while he was on mission was cowardly but crucial. Hadn’t changed the fact that he’d still managed to locate me from half way round the planet. The gift was a show of retaliation and a gentle reminder that he lived in me.
“Well, come on ya silly twat, lets unwrap it!” Lolly slapped my shoulder affectionately. I let my body flow with the movement and took a moment to ensure the bond was shut down as hard as I could with him so far from me.
To my surprise Lolly and I man-hated while putting my bed together. Who needed men? After dressing it we lay upon it top to toe and somehow badmouthed the male population without either of us divulging any personal information. Definitely neatly done on Lolly’s part. I suspected she had experience hiding familial particulars and wondered what other reasons she had for it.
The door chiming interrupted our man-hating fun. Jobe?
Lolly bounced off the bed. I followed.
“Want a coffee?” she asked over her shoulder.
“Sure,” I replied giving in to the fact that maybe I had made a new good friend. I enjoyed her company. It made no sense considering we were opposites in so many ways. But I had to say that Lolly’s sense of self put mine to shame. I believe I was in a small amount of awe that someone could be so totally independent, so unique. And welcoming. How did someone become that way?
Jobe stepped into my apartment, crisp in another customized suit, nose at his organiser, until Lolly breezed by and around the L shaped bench in the kitchen.
I’m not sure Lolly realised she did it; enlisted attention from men like a conscription. Lolly certainly wasn’t Jobe’s cup of tea. Or, then again - Yep. Another glance away from his life-in-a-file to steal a glimpse at Lolly.
My stare must have felt heavy; he swung his gaze to meet mine.
“General,” Jobe greeted, forcibly keeping his attention my way.
I hushed him discreetly, gesturing with downward hands. “Delilah,” I told him.
“Delilah,” he repeated. He made to pass me a storage device.
“In a moment,” I suggested, nodding in Lolly’s direction.
We waited in silence while Lolly poured the coffee she’d purchased, from a kettle that decided gurgling noises were the best way to communicate it was nearing a well-deserved retirement. She asked politely how my guest liked his.
I didn’t realise he was staying.
“Black with one,” Jobe answered. “Thank you…”
Oh, right. “Lolly, this is Jobe. Jobe, Lolly,” I made introductions. I was very quickly throwing out every lesson I’d learnt. I equalled Ella at top of the unit in subterfuge but now, somehow, I’d managed to mangle keeping work and private life in a matter of days. Maybe I’d never been good at it; I’d just never had a personal life to conflict with before.
I took a sip of my coffee and it tasted marginally better with the milk Lolly poured in. She hadn’t asked me how I took it.
“So, how do you two know each other?” Lolly asked Jobe. I pinned him with a warning glare Lolly couldn’t see.
“Colleagues,” Jobe replied aptly. Couldn’t have described it more simply myself.
Fortunately for me, Jobe had no trouble making new acquaintances and it turned out Lolly had perfect manners. She made no innuendos, didn’t shuffle her ‘girls’ and made an effort not to pry. Not that she needed to. Jobe was a well of personal information. Lolly had a talent.
“So after my four years in service I left to do a degree in law,” Jobe said.
“Ah. Is tha
t how you know Delilah?”
“Yes, of course,” Jobe lied brilliantly. He didn’t even slow. “I have some documents that require a few signatures for the finalisation of the sale on her old apartment.”
I was excused from answering Lolly’s eventual questions about said old apartment when her phone rang. Lolly excused herself to the kitchen bench to retrieve an actual device from her gold spangled bag. Many people were morally against implanting technology. She looked at the ID for a second longer than I would have then visibly sighed.
“Excuse me, please?” Lolly asked politely. I pointed her toward my bedroom. She mouthed thank you, answered her call with a, “Hi Ordi,” and shut the bedroom door behind her.
I could hear her through the partition and wondered if it would be considered lying to listen in on a conversation you couldn’t help hearing.
“What? Tonight? No… Well… I have plans,” Lolly told the phone obstinately.
“You can’t keep using that as an excuse Ordi.”
“But… All right, fine. I’ll be there,” she agreed, disgusted.
Lolly came out of the room on a wave of rage, not that you’d notice it from outward appearance. She apologised to both Jobe and I, told Jobe it was ‘lovely to make his acquaintance,’ and then hurried out flinging a goodbye in for good measure on her way.
“You’re a lawyer huh?” I turned on Jobe.
“Yes, although I do not practice at the moment.”
“Oh? All these secret agent gigs keep you busy?” I asked.
“Actually, this is my first,” he dazzled me with a smile, or tried to.
“How did Spartan drag you into this, Jobe?” My eyes narrowed in suspicion.
“If you must know,” Jobe dragged out while rinsing his cup at the sink. He dried it with a towel hanging on the wall, then placed the cup handle out, on the rack.
“It was my father’s dying wish,” he admitted sadly. “He worked for Spartan. I’ve seen Spartan come to our home since I was a child. I believe they were friends. My father died three weeks ago and had asked me to carry out this assignment.”
“What did he die from?” I was curious to know if working alongside Spartan had been what killed him.
Variant: A Sci-Fi Romance (Variant Trilogy Book 1) Page 10
