by Sean Kennedy
I slowly turned and looked at Dec, watching as he continued talking to Nyssa. Our house had slowly blurred away and been replaced by fireworks brightening the night sky. I felt that if I looked behind me, it would only be the crushing darkness of a star-free galaxy.
I was more scared than I had ever been in my life. Even the threat of cancer hadn’t been this terrifying.
Everything crashed to its normal rhythm as Dec looked at me strangely. The FaceTime session had ended; my phone screen was dark in his hand.
“Aren’t you excited?” he asked.
“Of course!” I said immediately, kissing him. He melted under my touch, his lips salty with his tears. They still tasted sweet to me, and I hoped by taking them in, my worries would alleviate.
ALCOHOL WAS consumed by the bucketful, and a dinner somehow lost amongst it. Drinking gave me a courage I had been severely lacking before, and only fed Dec’s buzz.
“Oh my god.” He was lying on the couch, his feet in my lap, a bottle of beer at his lips.
“You can say that again.”
“Oh my god.” He began to giggle to himself. “Do you want to know something funny?”
“What?”
“I told Paul that if this started to happen for us, he’d have to be aware that I could disappear every now and again because of visits to Nyssa.”
“Really?”
“Yep. I made it a stipulation.”
We hadn’t even gotten around to talking about his job offer, which obviously was now an acceptance.
“And how did he take that?” I asked.
Dec shrugged. “Not a peep about it. Do you know what? I think they were pretty desperate to get me for some reason.”
“Probably because they know how good you’ll be. But don’t get a swollen head, Mr. Headswell.”
He adjusted his feet in my lap. They were such knobbly feet, probably affected by years of professional athleticism. I suddenly had a vision of a baby running around the house, gender indeterminate, with those same bony toes. Another thing to distinguish it from me, the father by proxy.
Fuck, I hated these stray thoughts. I knew if Declan could read my mind, he’d be horrified.
I bowed my head and kissed the top of his foot in penance.
Dec was bemused. “I thought you said not to let my head swell?”
“It’s not like I think you’re the Messiah or anything, so calm down.” My beer was empty, so I took his and had a swig before handing it back to him. “I just thought your foot looked cute.”
“Maybe you should hold off the booze,” Dec said, sloshing the remains of his beer around in the bottle. “I think your nose is cute.”
“This honker?” I was dismayed.
“I wish our kids would have it.”
And I wished he hadn’t said that. I quickly derailed that train of thought. “Can you believe this? All of these dreams coming true in one day!”
“Yeah, when things happen to us, I guess they really happen to us.” Dec sat up and kissed me hungrily.
Even as I succumbed to his advances, I couldn’t help feeling that the sinkhole which had been slowly growing beneath me for some time was finally opening its jaw and swallowing me without a second thought. I hoped its appetite would be sated.
A FULL bladder awoke me, and the alarm clock read a quarter past three. Dec was lightly snoring, and Maggie was lying on his side, stretched out along his hip. It made for a beautiful sight.
I went to the loo and was about to get back into bed when I heard something rustle along the hallway. I stepped out, but nothing seemed amiss. A soft glow illuminated the space thanks to the skylight and the street lamp positioned above it.
My feet, with a mind of their own, led me farther down the hallway. I was freezing and briefly wondered why I wasn’t in my warm bed with my warm partner and my warm cat when I found myself standing outside the nursery.
Nursery was a bit of a generous term at the moment. It had actually been a haphazard storage room when we first moved in, as we’d chucked in any old piece of furniture or unpacked box we didn’t really need. We had been slowly getting rid of it, lumbering down to the nearest op shop with boxes of donated goods, but it hadn’t made any visible difference yet. The streetlight coming in through the open curtains gave everything in the room a murky silhouette, and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, there was the unmistakable shape of a woman looking down upon the street below.
Sweat breaking on my brow, I hit the light switch.
The room was empty of any human being besides myself, living, ghostie, hallucination, or otherwise.
“Hello?” I asked, feeling foolish. There wasn’t even an “atmosphere” to the room to suggest something supernatural had occurred. For all I knew, the “woman” I saw was only a couple of the boxes and an old coat rack.
I turned off the light, returned to the bedroom, and crawled back in beside Dec. Maggie hadn’t stirred either. Weren’t cats meant to be sensitive to ghosts? If she wasn’t worried, neither was I.
And in the morning, the whole thing seemed like a fragment of a dream, barely remembered.
Fourth Quarter
Chapter Nineteen
DEC WANTED to leave for New Zealand straight away, but Nyssa told him to at least wait until the three-month period. I could tell Dec was disappointed; I think if he could have, he would have moved to Auckland and stayed there until the birth. He was also starting his new job, however, and it wasn’t exactly the best look to disappear and shirk his duties. I also needed to wait for postsurgery clearance, I guess to ensure my one remaining testicle didn’t explode from cabin pressure while flying.
I actually think that was what cooled Dec’s jets more than anything; he had already travelled once without me and didn’t want to do it again no matter how much I told him it was okay. He could always go over if it would ease his mind to make sure Nyssa was okay. It wasn’t like she wasn’t a very capable and independent woman, who also had a protective and loving half-Maori husband who managed to tower over even Declan. Besides, I could go on the next trip, as I would sure there would be many.
But, no. Dec was satisfied with staying until I could go. Maybe he worried that I should be included more in the process, as my situation had stopped me from being a contender for paternity. It was sweet and earnest of him, but sometimes it made me feel worse.
Both of our mothers threatened to come with us.
Dec managed to convince his mother early on that it wasn’t a great idea.
“Seriously?” I asked my mum. “He or she isn’t even born yet, so you’re not missing out on much. It’s, like, gestating.”
My mother was horrified. “You’re talking about the miracle of life, Simon.”
“Yeah, Simon,” Tim echoed as two of his little miracles scratched his legs while trying to climb him like a tree. “The miracle of life.”
We both exchanged sly secretive smiles, and I realised we were having a shared moment. A bonding. We were both fathers—or father-to-be, in my case. It was an affection I didn’t even think was possible at this early stage, but here we were.
Maybe I was starting to get over my fears. Or maybe they were rollercoaster carriages, navigating hairpin turns and making me emit a scream that would never be heard above the wind after moments of apparent calm.
But Nyssa’s three-month period ended, I was given the all-clear to fly, and Dec and I soon found ourselves in Auckland. I was disappointed by the lack of Hobbits or Orcs meeting us at the airport, and no ominous Eye of Sauron in the skies. But there were plenty of the fluffiest white clouds I have ever seen in my life, and I marvelled at the cliché New Zealand was living up to, as Land of the Long White Cloud.
“Watch it!” Dec said as I tripped over my feet and once again crashed into him. “The ground, not the sky.”
“You’re being blasé because you’ve been here before,” I reminded him. He was actually being rather tetchy. He had been ever since we first stepped upon the plane. I knew, even th
ough he hadn’t said anything, he wanted everything to go perfectly so he could go back home to Melbourne assured everything would stay that way.
But Declan Tyler was a born worrier. He would never be at ease until the baby was home with us. And maybe not even then, as he would be a father and constantly worrying about that kid’s welfare and ongoing maintenance until he died.
I just had to stop him from becoming a helicopter parent. For his sanity or my own, I wasn’t too sure.
Nyssa and Paddy were waiting for us when we came through the sliding doors. Each had a squirming child slung on their hip. Paddy looked like a giant in comparison to Nyssa. A single hand of his could easily have covered her face. His muscles strained beneath his shirt, and I smiled as Dec self-consciously adjusted his own even though he was no slouch in the muscle department. I guess they were just a footballer player’s muscles, though. Paddy looked like he could bench press all three of us and the kids on top without any difficulty.
“You’re right,” I muttered to Dec. “He looks like Aquaman. I forgot.”
“I told you,” he whispered back.
I was a bit nervous, as this was only the third time I was meeting Paddy offline. The first had been in a professional capacity and the second at his wedding to Nyssa. Before now he had still seemed like a mythical creature, but in the flesh, he was a myth come to life.
Nyssa handed Tayn off to her husband and ran towards us, squealing, hands outstretched.
“She shouldn’t be running,” Dec said immediately.
“Let her run while she still can.” And with that, I ran into the embrace of my friend.
Paddy approached Dec, and they hugged like long-lost brothers, one of the kids—I think it was Ari—squashed between them. When Nyssa released me to greet Dec, she and Paddy swapped the kids effortlessly, a balletic move born of practice. Dec eventually took Tayn to say hello, and the kid raised his grubby little hands expectantly for the hug to come. Dec made it look just as effortless as Nyssa and Paddy, and I felt a strange catch in my throat as I imagined him doing it in the future with his own child.
Paddy came to me, arms wide open, and I felt like I was in the shadow of a skyscraper. I found myself in a bear hug both wonderful and comforting while also threatening to break every bone in my body and take my last breath along with my soul.
“Good to see you again,” he said.
“Same here,” I wheezed, as if a boa constrictor was slowly crushing my ribs. “It’s been too long.”
I looked over to see Declan watching us, amused. Tayn was resting in one arm, and his free hand was on his other hip, slowly rubbing it. He had experienced the same injury that obviously came with a Paddy Hug (TM).
It wasn’t exactly Middle-earth, but Nyssa and Paddy lived a little beyond the city limits, on a five-acre property, in a house that looked like it came out of an architectural digest.
“Pretty fancy, huh?” Declan said to me as we first got out of the car.
We lived in an old fire station, so it wasn’t like we weren’t used to impressive housing. Their house looked like a castle, with bluestone walls and the crenellations that looked like giant’s teeth running along the top of the roof.
Dec and I practically had a wing of the house to ourselves. We put away our things and freshened up before joining our friends downstairs. Paddy’s mother, who did have a granny flat (although it was attached to the house via a separate door), had taken the kids to leave Nyssa and Paddy free for some socialising.
“Do you think we can convince your mother to move in?” Dec teased me.
I paled. “Nobody’s mother is living with us unless they’re infirm and refusing to go to a nursing home.”
Paddy grinned. “That’s how we ended up with my mum.”
“Your mum’s not infirm!” Nyssa chided him.
I was desperate to get some alone time with Nyssa, as it was rare nowadays. I had to share her with Dec or, how selfish of them, her husband and children. Even when she had last been in Melbourne, our time together was limited because I was sick and our house was always full of people I had to entertain when they dropped by for well wishes and/or updates. The rest of her time was taken by Dec, laying plans with her about how to tackle the whole IUI thing.
So at one point when she went to the kitchen to grab more drinks, I followed her only to find Dec had beaten me to it, almost colliding with her as he made his way back from the bathroom. I hesitated at the door, then hung back. They hadn’t seen me.
“There’s one thing I’ve been dying to do since I got here,” Dec said.
Nyssa shut the fridge door with her butt. “I can guess.”
“I know they say it’s the worst thing you can ask a pregnant woman.”
She put the drinks down on the kitchen table. “Oh, Dec. You’re the father. Of course you want to do it.”
You’re the father.
I hadn’t expected somebody else saying it would hurt so much. Everybody was automatically taking for granted Dec’s paternity, and I had nothing, no matter what Dec and Nyssa might say to me to assuage my fears.
Here they were, voicing it when they thought they were alone.
Dec’s hand nervously stretched out towards her belly, which was now a gentle swell. That hand I loved so much was now on another person’s body, caressing it gently. No words could ever live up to the radiance of his expression.
It shook me. I managed to make my way back to Paddy, and he immediately stood when he saw me.
“Are you okay?”
“I think a little bit of air sickness has caught up with me,” I lied effortlessly. “I think I’ll just go and lie down for a bit.”
He looked concerned. “Should I get Dec? I mean, this isn’t about your—” He gestured towards his junk.
I gave a small laugh. “Nope. All good there, thanks. Stomach, not goolies.”
He let me go with that explanation, and I made my way back to the room assigned to Dec and me. I only got lost twice. I kicked off my shoes and pants and crawled into bed in my T-shirt and boxers. I thought my anxiety would keep me awake, but my body decided to be kind to me.
Until Dec woke me up about ten minutes later. I bet he hadn’t gotten lost on the way to the bedroom. Bloody perfect bastard. If only he’d been straight, he would have gotten a family far more easily.
The vision chilled me. And I hated myself for thinking it. I was the worst. The literal worst.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, rubbing my shoulder. Much like he had rubbed Nyssa’s belly except without the rapturous expression.
“Just not feeling a hundred percent.” My voice was thick with sleep, as I had just been woken. It helped make me sound a little stuffed up from cabin pressure.
“Paddy assured me it wasn’t your balls,” he said, trying to keep it light. But I could still hear the concern in his voice.
That only served to make me feel guiltier. I knew how much he loved me; why was I being so irrational?
I guess that’s why they call it irrational.
“I’m fine,” I told him, attempting a smile. “I don’t think I should have been drinking after the flight.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sure I’m sure. I just need to sleep it off. Go back downstairs.”
“I don’t like seeing you sick,” he said. “I’ve seen it far too much lately.”
I took his hand and pressed it to my lips. “I’m okay. Seriously.”
He nodded and leaned over to kiss me on the forehead.
In the original book of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum, Dorothy is given a protective kiss by Glinda that glistens on her forehead and shows everybody she has Glinda’s blessing for safe passage in her lands.
Dec’s kiss kind of felt like that, and I hoped it meant I should be able to journey from here on without fear.
DEC WOKE me once more when coming to bed, and assured himself that I seemed to be better, accepting that it was just some flight sickness that I had to get rid of. In
the morning he was already up when I finally opened my eyes, his side of the bed empty. I lay there for a while and drank in the smell of his cologne that still remained on the sheets.
After my shower I headed for the kitchen, but it was deserted. Rather than immediately panicking and thinking I was trapped in a Twilight Zone episode, I hunted down some cereal and a bowl, munching to myself and staring out at the Technicolor-green fields stretching towards the horizon.
As I rinsed the bowl clean, I noticed five little lumps emerge into higher definition. Nyssa, Paddy, Dec and the kids. They must have gone for a walk. If Paddy hadn’t been there, Dec and Nyssa would have looked like the picture-perfect family, which only reminded me of the heterosexual version of Dec that had tormented me the night before. Straight Dec was a straight-up nightmare.
But I plastered on my biggest smile and went out to greet them.
“Are you feeling better?” Nyssa asked when they were within shouting distance.
“All good!” I called back.
“Oh, good!” Her embodiment of sweetness itself pulverised the dark bitter little stone in my heart once again.
Dec took long strides towards me, and this time Glinda’s protective kiss glistened on my lips. He kept his arm around me as we walked back to the house, Nyssa and Paddy a little ahead of us.
“Are you really okay?” Dec asked.
“Yes, really.”
“I was worried.”
“I know,” I said. “Sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. You won’t believe the things Nyssa has planned for us today.”
“There better be Hobbits,” I said.
THERE WERE.
Nyssa had obviously decided to make one of my dreams come true. We stood in the middle of The Shire, and as I looked up the rise of the hill before me, the round yellow door of Bilbo Baggins’s house came into view, as if the man himself would throw it open and come out to greet us.
To tell you the truth, I hadn’t really thought I’d get to see it this time around, as Dec would be too focused on getting his baby (in the belly) fix.
