Annie: You can do this.
She’d texted Annie about her plans for the morning and received a lot of motivational messages back.
I can do this, Cassie thought to herself as she stood in front of the mirror. Gone were her usual yoga pants in favor of dark-wash Jeggings. Sure, they were still leggings, but no one could tell.
A yellow baby-doll shirt hung past her waist. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d worn a shirt that wasn’t either an old hockey t-shirt or a button up flannel shirt.
Grabbing the faux-leather jacket she’d hardly ever worn from the hook in her closet, she shrugged it on and fixed the collar.
This outfit belonged to someone not afraid to venture out into the world, someone who was seen by other people.
“Hey, sexy lady!” Hadley called.
Cassie whipped around to find both Hadley and Charlotte grinning to her from the doorway. She’d called them over but hadn’t told them what she wanted to do—or at least, try to do.
Nausea rose in her just thinking about it.
“You look beautiful.” Charlotte eyed her up and down. “But what’s the occasion?”
Hadley flopped onto Cassie’s bed. “Yeah, we’re used to the slug-wear normally adorning your way-too-perfect frame.” She powered on Cassie’s e-reader, her eyebrows shooting up. “Ooh, our girl is naughty.”
Cassie swiped the e-reader away from her and shoved it into her desk drawer. “I… ah… need your help today.”
“Anything, Cass.” Charlotte lowered herself into the desk chair. “What’s up?”
“You guys are my friends, right?” She held her breath, waiting for the answer. There’d been a time when the only people she wanted to hang with were Roman and Jesse. Over the past two years, she was on her own most of the time. She’d never really had girlfriends before and didn’t know if her brother’s girlfriend counted.
Charlotte’s brow creased.
Hadley grinned.
Neither said a word.
“If I wanted awkwardness, I’d go find Roman.” The words burst out of Cassie before she could call them back.
She hadn’t spoken to Roman since the conversation with her dad, managing to avoid him despite living in the same house. She’d lied to her dad about her feelings for the boy living in the next room, but what could she do about it? She wouldn’t be the reason he had to go live with his parents.
Hadley’s grin widened, and she stood, crossing the room to Cassie. Draping an arm over her shoulder, she squeezed. “I’m going to pretend I’m not offended you had to ask.”
Charlotte stood to join them. “It used to be just us, me and Hads. But now there’s Jesse, Roman, and yes, you too.”
“Now.” Hadley gripped her shoulders, forcing Cassie to look at her. “I hear you were once quite diabolical in your plans. Let us have it.”
Cassie swallowed, her pulse hammering at her temples. “I… want to go to Target.”
Hadley and Charlotte shared an incredulous look.
“Target?” Hadley asked. “That’s the mischief you need our help with? Are we going to go streaking down the aisles—”
“I totally wouldn’t do that,” Charlotte cut in.
“—or release farm animals in the store?”
“Where would we even get those?” Charlotte crossed her arms and looked as if she was really contemplating it. “Guys, I can’t do anything that would get me in trouble. I have enough on my plate without jail time.”
Who were these people? Cassie swallowed, shaking her head. “No jail time, I promise. I just… I want to walk through the front door.”
It sounded so simple, and to most people, it was. Shopping didn’t hold the same fears for the average person. It didn’t represent everything they couldn’t handle. Crowds. Noise. Strangers.
Cassie gripped the back of the desk chair, her knuckles turning white. Breathe, Cass. Annie’s voice in her head reminded her to keep going, keep pushing.
She didn’t have to be content with the life she had.
“I know it sounds easy for you guys, but… just help me. Please.” She could have asked her dad or her brother, but they were on the inside with her and this anxiety. They’d been there since the beginning, and if she couldn’t do it, she didn’t want to see the disappointment on their faces.
Charlotte looped an arm through Cassie’s and Hadley mirrored her on the other side.
“We’ve got you.” Hadley bumped her hip.
Charlotte nodded in agreement.
It was final. With friends Cassie never imagined she’d have, she was going to take the biggest step forward yet, proving there was hope one day she could beat this, she could win.
The past didn’t have to control her future.
There were moments that define a person’s life. Tragedies like the death of Cassie’s mom. Joys like the birth of her brothers.
And then the times when a person is forced to be brave. Cassie had always believed that no one was truly stronger than anyone else. Overcoming obstacles does not make someone better or tougher.
It only means they were forced to use their strength.
A strength that exists in everyone. It’s the most human of features. Struggles and strength were two sides of the same coin.
That was how she knew her anxiety didn’t make her weak. It didn’t mean she was worth less than anyone else. Sure, it took her a long time to see it that way, but sometimes epiphanies come in stages.
It gave her an opportunity to use her God-given strength.
So, she had to try.
The red target hanging above the building taunted her like a beacon calling her anxiety forth. Nervous energy buzzed along her skin as she sat in Hadley’s car, her two friends watching her to see if she’d step out into the busy parking lot.
She had to do this. It was time.
Lifting her eyes to the brilliant February sky, she let her lids flutter shut. Her mom would want this for her; she’d want her to move on.
When she opened them again, she was ready.
Pushing the door open, she stepped out into the chilly air and zipped her jacket. Shoppers pushed red carts out through the doors in droves, piled high with new purchases they probably didn’t need. Her mom used to joke about Target, saying everyone went with a list that doubled by the time they left the store.
Fingers threaded through hers, and she looked down to see Charlotte and Hadley each take a hand.
A wave of dizziness crashed down on her as her eyes tracked the customers. It dissipated, and she squeezed her friends’ hands.
They led her through the busy parking lot and stood just outside the door. Each time it opened, a blast of air struck them. Yet, Cassie couldn’t move.
She’d never told Charlotte and Hadley just how bad her issues were, but by their lack of surprise, she assumed Jesse had. Relief washed through her at the thought.
“We don’t have to go in,” Charlotte whispered.
Hadley nodded. “We could get in the car and head to the beach where it would be just us.”
For a moment, the idea tempted Cassie. She imagined never having to walk through those automatic doors into the busy store, and the thought calmed her.
But it wouldn’t bring her any closer to reclaiming her life.
She shook her head. “I need to do this.”
Releasing a long breath, she stepped forward, swallowing back the bile rising in her throat. Her breath came rapidly as she entered the alcove between the two sets of doors, her friends at her sides.
The second set of doors slid open, revealing white tiled floors stretching all the way to the back of the store. They entered into the grocery section, not releasing each other’s hands.
Somehow, having friends with her grounded her and kept her from running back the way they’d come.
As she walked farther in, her breathing evened. People glanced at them as they passed, grumbling when the three girls refused to break contact to let people by.
“I’m h
ere,” Cassie whispered more to herself than anyone else. She’d walked into a store, into public, and didn’t fall to pieces.
Maybe the girl she’d been before wasn’t buried as deep as she thought.
“Is this when we start streaking?” Hadley asked.
A laugh broke free of Cassie, followed by another. She couldn’t stop the sound rolling through her.
Charlotte’s lips quirked up, and Hadley grinned.
A crack sounded against the tile, and Cassie froze. Another crack and she was back in that alley outside the furniture store in Tampa with bullets ripping through the air.
She couldn’t breathe.
Her feet froze at the end of an aisle. A young boy threw cans onto the ground. Even as her eyes saw the source of the sounds, she couldn’t stop thinking of that day. She sucked in a long breath before releasing it, calming herself as Annie taught her.
There were no gunshots, only an ornery kid. A woman ran toward him, probably his mom, and forced him to stop.
“You okay?” Charlotte asked.
Cassie managed to nod, her heart rate slowing. “Yeah, I think I am.”
They walked the entire perimeter of the store, not buying a single thing. After the incident with the cans, everything else seemed easier, and Cassie even found herself enjoying looking around with her friends.
When they reached the parking lot again, Hadley let out a yell and pulled both Cassie and Charlotte into a hug. “You did it!”
She did. In that moment, she felt like she could do anything.
They cranked up the music in the car, but as Hadley sang at the top of her lungs, Cassie’s thoughts drifted to someone else, someone she hadn’t allowed to be there.
Because now that she’d crested the top of her largest, most jagged mountain, there was only one person she wanted to tell.
Cassie’s heart hammered against her ribs, but it wasn’t fear racing through her, not this time. She thought of the words she’d said to her dad, the ones she’d tried to make herself believe.
She didn’t want to risk losing Roman, but hadn’t she felt like she was losing him already? She’d pulled away from him. Again. It was what she did, and she didn’t want to be that person anymore.
Hadley dropped her off at the curb in front of her house. “We’d stay to hang, but I need to take Charlie to the rink to see her dad before tonight’s game.”
Cassie barely heard them as she jumped from the car, slamming the door behind her. She ran up the driveway, elation racing through her. She’d done it. She’d walked through Target without freaking out.
Annie would be proud.
She hadn’t texted her therapist yet, not when there was someone else she needed to see while this courage still raced through her. She burst through the front door.
“Rome?” she called.
No one answered.
“Roman!” She raced up the staircase and knocked on his closed door.
After all this, he wasn’t home.
Her shoulders sagged as she tried once more. Her knuckles hit the painted wood, and the door popped open. No light spilled into the hall.
She knew it was wrong to go inside when he wasn’t there, but something told her she had to, that this was important.
Pushing the door open farther, she felt along the wall for the light switch. Fluorescent light flooded the room. The empty room.
The pounding in Cassie’s chest stopped abruptly, and she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes scanned the lonely space, taking in the bed that had been stripped of sheets and the open top dresser drawer. Peeking inside, all she found was the oak bottom.
Gingerly, as if scared of what she’d find, Cassie opened each drawer. Tears built in her eyes as she opened the closet, finding it empty as well.
Her legs shook, and she sat on the bare mattress. Roman was gone. Had her dad sent him to his parents in Estonia? Had he left without saying goodbye.
She wiped a tear from her cheek, knowing she was too late.
Roman’s smiling face flashed through her mind. He’d been her best friend, then nothing, then everything. Nothing was ever simple between them.
But this was supposed to be.
She buried her face in her hands as her back shook.
“Cass?” Jesse’s worried voice came from the doorway. “What are you doing in here?”
She lifted her tear-stained face to her brother. “He’s gone, Jess.”
Jesse sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her into a side-hug. “He had to leave. I didn’t want him to either, but I get why he did it.”
“This was his choice?” She lifted her gaze to his.
Jesse nodded. “It’s going to be okay.”
“How can you say that when your best friend is stuck in some foreign country without us?”
“Foreign country? Cass, I know Wentwood seems like another world sometimes, but just because the uber-rich live there doesn’t mean they’re any different from us.”
She sat up and turned her entire body to face him. “What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?”
She spoke slowly, so he’d understand. “Roman went to live with his parents.”
A grin spread from one side of Jesse’s face to the other, and she wanted to slap it off. “He didn’t.”
“What?”
“He moved out of our house, but he didn’t leave Gulf City. The Gibsons offered to let him stay there.”
“But…” She didn’t understand. Why? “I was just with Hadley all day. She didn’t mention it.”
“Maybe it wasn’t her thing to tell.”
“That’s just it, Jess. He didn’t tell me.” She’d had to find his room empty and assume the worst. “That’s so like Roman. He can be a real braindead idiot sometimes. Ugh, I hate him. The Gibsons can have him for all I care.”
“You’re in love with him.” Jesse scrunched his face as if trying and failing to hide his discomfort.
Cassie opened her mouth to refute it, but no sound came out.
“Okay, so I’m your brother and this is kinda icky. He’s my best friend, which just makes it like ten times worse.” He sucked in a breath. “Yes, Roman has some idiot tendencies. Okay, a lot of idiot tendencies. But I have never seen him with anyone the way he is around you. At first, I thought he just couldn’t stand the idea there was a girl who couldn’t be charmed by him. Then I started thinking it bothered him that you refused to say a word around him.”
He paused. “But, sis, when he’s around you, it’s like he wants to be better for you. I see the way he tries to protect you, to help you. It kills me to think in all this time, I wasn’t able to help you move forward the way he has.”
“I went into Target today,” she whispered.
“I’m so proud of you.” His eyes glassed over. “You know I love you, right? I would have done anything to help you. But I wasn’t the one you needed. It was him. It’s always been him. Even when we were kids, you two had this connection.” He shook his head. “Have you ever wondered if the reason you couldn’t talk to him for so long was tied into the fear you lived in? The family was a safe place for you, but Roman has never been safe. Even now.”
“Because I love him.” It was the first time she’d said it out loud.
Jesse nodded. “And falling in love with someone is the most dangerous thing we can do.” He scooted off the bed. “I have to get going or I’ll be late for warmups. Dad took the boys to Emma’s before he brings them to the game.” His lips ticked up. Cassie couldn’t remember the last time her dad attended one of Jesse’s games.
She smiled, happy for her brother.
“You going to be okay?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know.” Roman left without a word. He walked out of her life and didn’t tell her.
Jesse leaned down to give her a hug before leaving to gather his gear.
Cassie sat frozen in the empty room, wondering how she got there. When she heard footsteps on the stairs, she realized it di
dn’t matter.
All that mattered was where she went next.
Bolting from the room, she ran after Jesse. “Jess!”
He turned as he opened the front door. “What’s wrong?”
Her chest heaved as she reached him. “I… can I have a ride?”
“Where?”
“T-the arena. I need to go to the arena.”
He grinned. “Yeah, I think I can help with that.”
They locked up the house and slid into the car. The sun was long gone, letting the moon bathe the world in a silver glow.
Just like the moon, Roman lit the darkness inside Cassie. He let her accept the anxiety coursing through her veins, the fear clouding her mind.
Because none of that could stop her. Not anymore.
24
Roman
“Has anyone seen Carrigan?” Coach Morrison’s voice rang through the locker room as the team readied to take the ice. “Sullivan?”
“Yeah, Coach?” Roman stood from the bench in front of his locker.
“Have you tried calling him?”
“Yeah, no answer.” Roman checked his phone again, hoping for a text from Jesse. He’d seen him a few hours before when they moved his stuff to Hadley’s house. Their parting had been awkward to say the least.
Roman never wanted to disappoint his friend, but he knew Jesse understood on some level. So did Mr. Carrigan. When he’d told the man he was moving out, he would have sworn he saw respect in his eyes.
Roman took a seat again, replaying that conversation. “Is this because of my daughter?”
Roman met his gaze. “Yes.” It was the truth. Cassie just didn’t know it yet. “Sir, I have feelings for Cassie, I think I have for a very long time. But I want to do this right and that means waiting until we aren’t living under the same roof. I’m not going to ask your permission to be with her—because she has her own mind.”
Mr. Carrigan had raised an eyebrow at that.
“When I tell Cassie how amazing I think she is, how brave and smart and beautiful, I don’t know how she’ll react. But I know now that’s not a good enough reason not to tell her.”
Roman and the Hopeless Romantic (Gulf City High Book 2) Page 15
